to be that guy

Sunday, busy Sunday

2012-01-29T13:11:00.003-05:00

days off are few and far between lately -- well, i should specify: days off without a sleep deficit and without a hangover are few and far between lately.

so when i'm lucky enough to have one, like today, i have lots of things on my to-do list. it sucks to do anything on Sunday other than lie supine and stare at a television box, but yesterday was my hung over, napful, foodful day for the week, so i got that all out of my system.

thus, i give you today's to-do's:

1. 5 loads of laundry. almost finished.

2. coffee and brunch with the doctor, to celebrate his awful exam being finished. done. when you're in Baltimore, make sure to stop by Milk & Honey. one of my favorite neighborhood hangouts. even T likes it when she visits, and she's a total cafe snob.

3. change bed linens. i used to do this about twice a week, and lately i've become really lazeballs about it. i assure you that i'm not super gross, but i'm changing my sheets not even once per 7 day week these days. kinda sick.

4. buy new shoes while shopping in the suburbs this afternoon. i hate all my shoes this week.

5. buy new gym shorts. i don't know how it has happened, by two of my regular pairs suddenly seem so short. i'm a little bit embarrassed to walk around my very straight gym wearing short shorts. somehow that never bothered me at any other gym.

6. buy Ingrid's new album while shopping in the suburbs. i should've had it days ago when it came out, but i never buy albums on iTunes -- mostly because i like to pass them along. i buy the hard copy, rip it onto my computer, and then give away the cd.

7. visit a big chain restaurant in suburbs during our shopping trip, and eat something unhealthy. i've already discussed this with my buddy Peter, and he's down for it.

8. catch up on about 100,000 weeks of blogs and celeblogs, which i miss terribly but never seem to find the time to enjoy.

9. continue to ponder the mysterious onset and equally mysterious, though welcomed, decline of Atti's bulimia, which has miraculously been cured during the past week and a half (praise Buddha!).

10. vacuum. always vacuuming.

11. try taking melatonin again and see how it makes me feel, as it didn't put me into a coma the first time i tried it, but then i realized that maybe it's not supposed to work that way.

12. tell myself that i should spend more quality time with my computer in the future, as i miss all your blogs and Facebook shenanigans.

well, i better get busy. it's after 1 and i've completed only the first three on my list. time to shop.

dahl says...

2012-01-16T16:04:00.000-05:00

And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places.

too bad i already chose my 2012 mantra, because this is a lovely idea onto which to hold.

post(ing) secret(s)

2012-01-15T16:04:00.000-05:00

outta my, outta my head

2012-01-11T20:08:00.000-05:00

in case you forgot, i love Ingrid. yeah, still.

wilde says...

2012-01-07T15:33:00.000-05:00

I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.

summer breeze

2012-01-07T13:11:00.004-05:00

blowin' in through my house. in January.

if you live in the eastern US, i hope you're enjoying this beautiful summer weather. my patio door is open, which is my favorite way to enjoy a warm, sunny day: from the couch.

my roommate and i are being lazy, though she's using the excuse that she has strep. throat or something. i don't care to make excuses; laziness is my favorite way to spend an afternoon following a productive morning finishing all my to-do's. now it's just me with my face covered in honey while i enjoy a Kardashians mini-marathon.

"Is the world ending this year? Does that have something to do with this weather?" the roommie asked.

the answer is inarguably yes. live it up while you can, sluts!!!

to quit while i'm ahead

2012-01-03T23:11:00.005-05:00

...or not to quit while i'm ahead.

as i mentioned to you back in October when i received a cryptic pub urinal message from the gods, i'm most likely expiration dating right now. when the doctor's time at his hospital is up, he could end up anywhere in the country -- nay, anywhere in the world. as of late, he has begun mentioning in passing that he has thought about returning home (far, far away and not even in this hemisphere). chances are, he won't be here a year from now.

so i come to you, dear friends, readers, and fellow bloggers, with a question: do i quit while i'm ahead (e.g. we enjoy time together, but we haven't gotten too serious yet and have only said the "L" word accidentally while half asleep, and i could get out without being hurt or upset, so long as it's my choice) or risk getting closer and having a really tough time if/when he leaves Baltimore?

notwithstanding your much-appreciated advice, i'm leaning toward having the "just friends" talk soon. because if i'm going to be left here in Baltimore 6 months down the line, i should be spending these months lining up a replacement boyfriend. when i was packing up and leaving Philly, a friend very lovingly called me a "cold-hearted son of a bitch;" it's times like these that the cold heart comes in handy.

i'm too old for this shit. i should be married to an I-banker by now, living in the suburbs, working part-time for a cancer non-profit and lovingly raising two children (King Charles spaniels. obviously.).

thoughts? go.

new year, new mantra

2012-01-02T12:12:00.000-05:00

"I have not wasted today."

happy new year to you.

lennon says...

2012-01-01T11:11:00.000-05:00

When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. I wrote down, "happy."

They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life.

buh-bye

2011-12-27T15:03:00.002-05:00

this morning when i ended a call with a male customer service rep from Serius, i caught myself saying "buh-bye." softly, and to a man.

then i realized -- i say that to EVERYONE on the phone! i've been doing it for years, without putting any thought into it. in the office, to family and friends, in customer service situations, with complete strangers. i never thought twice about it until today.

"Okay, thanks again, buh-bye."

"Buh-bye now. Buh-bye."

is "buh-bye" weird/inappropriate/too gay? do i need to make an effort to stop saying it? or am i making a mountain out of a gayhill because it's my first day off in, like, months, and i'm already a little bored?

LMK, guys.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-12-26T13:01:00.000-05:00

playing catch-up

2011-12-20T19:07:00.009-05:00

hey erryboday! what's new?

i wanted to check in and mention that i haven't stopped posting; i'm just busier than i've ever been in my life, basically. even busier than law school finals or studying for the bar exam. but not the bad kind of busy. just busy. full of energy, but still collapsing at the end of the day.

so here's an update.

first of all, my favorite Postsecret this week is:

i've wished for years that i were a Hebe, mostly because of lovely traditions/rituals, but also because of 9 days of gifts and no student loans. in related news, HAPPY CHANUKAH/HANUKKAH/MAKEUPYOURMINDS,JEWS! this is night one! boop boop! wish i had a Menorah to light. i'd also enjoy the shame and guilt of being Jewish while dating my Muslim doctor.

second of all, i haven't been up to much aside from work. but things have been good.

D's birthday a couple weeks ago was pretty fabulous. we spent a beautiful, sunny and cold Saturday touring Maryland's wine country. you didn't know Maryland has a wine country? nor did i...

it was a beautiful day. i imagine the four vineyards we visited will be even more beautiful when there is live vegetation growing thereon, rather than empty dead vines. yeah... so...

the wine was still delicious, and we came home with multiples bottles in tow.

i started the day as DD of our big rented van but ended the day as a passed out passenger as D's lover safely guided our Enterprise ship home to Balimore.

since then, life has been mostly work. tonight i got home before 7 PM for the first time in almost two months, and it was glorious. instead of going to the gym after work, i hauled ass home to clean the house and have a glass of sauv. blanc.

what else? well, T's annual holiday mix CD arrived in the mail recently, so my head and car have been filled with lots of lovely Christmas music. if you haven't heard Justin Biebs sing "Silent Night," you simply have not lived. have not felt. have not been a pedophile like i --- wait, isn't he legal now? i think he is. to vote, i mean.

last night after dinner, the doctor gave me a really lovely Christmas gift that, upon returning home, i promptly Googled and then felt sick about how much he spent combined with the fact that i've still gotten him nothing. my excuse was going to be that i didn't want to offend him (see above), but now it'll just be a belated gift that, "i kept forgetting to bring over" until right after clearance sales coincidentally begin.

finally, i should admit to you that my face is currently covered in honey that is slowwwllyyyy dripping down onto my shirt and into my mouth-hole. i work with a really gay organic aesthetician (as he would refer to himself -- well, maybe he wouldn't include the gay part, but there's no hiding it) who has convinced me to do yogurt masques and honey masques on my skin. you may laugh and call me a flaming idiot, but my skin looks fantastic. serious, y'all. meanwhile, Atti keeps trying to lick the honey off my arms and neck, but i won't let him. i think that's bad for cats. but good for infants.

what's new with yinz?

important firsts, part II

2011-12-06T21:09:00.015-05:00

first fight -- or, more importantly, first make-up.

so the doctor and i had our first fight during the past week. first weirdness. first emo moments, though thank Buddha they were mostly via text (the adult way to cop out of an awkward situation!), and finally, first make-up talk.

what's the solution when a really stupid situation arises out of the blue and complicates otherwise simple, straightforward, and uncomplicated relationship? pretend it didn't happen.

that's exactly what we did last night, over gummy bears:

"I've decided that you and I haven't seen each other for a week."
me: "What do you mean?"
"Well, I've been away. And you've been away. We haven't spoken in a week, and I really missed you."
me: "Oh. Right, you were in Iran or somewhere, right?"
"You're racist. Learn geography."
me: "I can't be racist, I'm dating a man of color."
"Fine. I was visiting family in Africa. And you were visiting your mother in Kentucky."
me: "I missed you, too. How was your week?"

dig holes in sand. insert heads.

dangerous? ...meh. it's working for now. and i don't think i'd do it if the fight/misunderstanding were at all important, but trust me -- this one was just stupid.

my morning smile

2011-12-05T08:08:00.002-05:00

any time you need a pick-me-up, come back here and watch this.

thanks for sharing, Patrick.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-12-04T20:08:00.000-05:00

this made me laugh.

because i've done that so many times, and it makes me feel like an idiot every time i do it.

posting no secrets

2011-12-03T12:12:00.001-05:00

i was disappointed this morning to find that Postsecret has not been updated yet today. that's just crazy; it is new every Sunday morning, like clockwork.

oh, right. today is Saturday. i've had off yesterday and today, so my mental clock is out of whack. i guess Postsecret isn't malfunctioning after all.

at any rate, i'd like to inform you that i've done something great with my two days off -- like a hiking trip, or sailing on the Chesapeake, or a tour de museums of DC -- but that's just not the case. aside from a raucous night out on Thursday, drinking with some old and some new friends, i haven't done much of anything.

sure, the house is clean, and i'm caught up on American Horror Story and Once Upon a Time, but that's pretty much all i can say. last night was expected to be a date night, but i accidentally fell asleep last night before i was supposed to go meet the boy (his fault for working such unreasonable hours). rescheduled for tonight. at least that's something that i'll be able to say i've done over my "weekend" away from work.

since i can't impress you with all the great fun that i've had over these couple of days, i'll leave you with this:

that kid's hair is disgusting, but the crescent dogs are amazeballs. Danielle made them last night, and i've declared them the official food of our house. at least until next week, when something else covered in cheese and fried and taking less than 2 minutes to warm up comes to my attention.

i'm allowed to eat such crap, because i've been going to the gym religiously. i think once i turn 30, i might become a vegan. that seems like the healthy, forward-thinking thing to do, doesn't it? until then, i'll just work out and eat animal fats.

some video about something

2011-11-27T11:11:00.002-05:00

people keep posting this on Facebook and stuff, so i thought i'd post it here.

i don't even know what the video is about, because i'm so focused on the cute actor. but watch it anyway, and let me know what the purpose of it is. k, thanks.

post(ing) secret(s)/my morning smile

2011-11-27T10:10:00.002-05:00

Happy Drunksgiving

2011-11-24T23:27:00.001-05:00

11:20P. omg need to go to bed. 2 more people stopped by. lovely to see them, but i cannot watch any more 'Love Actually' deleted scenes. everybody (except T) needs to go home and let me sleep. it turned out to be a not-too-drunk-sgiving. great success.

9:09 P. "Oh, no. That is so inconvenient." i feel you, Prime Minister; love can be just so inconvenient. oh, um, watching 'Love Actually'... obviously.

8:42 P. coincidentally, once i began washing dishes and banging pots around, everyone woke up! crazy timing, because i was hungry for dessert and M2 was ready to make whipped cream for his pies. pies sure wake people up. so does egg nog, but eventually that makes them all pass out again.

7:20 P. people are droppin' like flies, yo! er'body be fallin' asleep. i told an old friend who lives in DC that i'd meet up for a drink while he's in town visiting family, but my resolve is growing weaker. 'Chicago' is on a movie channel; perhaps because i know how this story ends, i am not on the edge of my seat. i am on the verge of saying goodnight to the half-asleep gang. what happened to Drunksgiving? no one has even had any nog.

5:00 P. during the meal, we went around the table and each shared what he or she is thankful for this year. as i shared with my friends, this year i am most thankful for happiness and stability. i've been happy every day since moving to Baltimore, and life here feels very stable. when it was D's turn to share, she said that i took her answer.

4:40 P. so much good food. now all i want to do is nap. it's kinda late to nap, though, right? i think that if i nap after 2 pm, then either my night's sleep will be ruined or i'll be unable to wake up and will just sleep until 4 in the morning. like that Gwen Stefani song. which reminds me, i love this Gwen Stefani song and haven't heard it in a while. the video is great.

2:30 P. we were supposed to eat 30 minutes ago, but otherwise everything is going smoothly. D asked me to "say grace" before the meal, so we'll see if i can come up with something nice and non-offensive to any christians who may be hiding within earshot. everyone likes the punch, and since nobody has eaten yet, it's quite effective.

1:02 P. the fizzy vodka fruity punch is great. in perfecting the recipe, i've had about two drinks, and i haven't even started my famous egg nog yet. also, our second import from Philadelphia just arrived, dressed up and looking hot. i was just informed that we're all "dressing up" for the meal today. just now. thanks for the heads up, guys. what to wear?

12:05 P. we just gave one of the cats a bath so that she'd be fluffy and pretty for our guests. i don't have the patience/strength to bathe Atticus, and i have a lot of work to do anyway. what to wear? what to put in my fizzy vodka drink? what to wear? just ate a banana, for the K.

11:10 A. still on the phone with Ma, who advises me that i'm waking up to "Charlie horses" and muscle spasms because i need potassium. "You need to eat bananas," she says. i'm so tired, i almost blurt out, "Bitch you don't know my life!" but catch myself at the "B---" and end up saying, "But I ate an entire bunch of bananas this week." i really did. and why does that woman start every sentence with "You need to..."?

11:00 A. everyone is awake. turkey is going into the oven soon, with absolutely no help from me. i did vacuum, though, and have been talking to my Ma on the phone forevz. this call is longer than usual. because it's a holiday? i know i should be home. my brother's home. i just couldn't make it this year. oh, cool, someone left the patio door open all night. that explains the frostbite. and i really liked my toes (but only the ones on my right foot).

10:30 A. awoke again, this time not due to a muscle spasm, but rather panic: no one is awake yet! everyone was out partying last night, so the house is sleeping in. but that bird isn't going to cook itself, and the meal is scheduled for four hours from now. i just want to sleep. someone else please wake up.

7 A. [Interior (even though it's so cold it feels like i'm camping)] rough start this morning. got to bed at 2:30 (not too bad), but woke up to the horrible pain of a muscle spasm. rubbed leg. now can't sleep. guess i'll check Facebook.

outta my, outta my head

2011-11-22T11:11:00.005-05:00

i fear that my hasty review of Breaking Dawn embedded in Sunday's blog post may have been too harsh. i'd like to point out that there was one nice scene in the fillim (as Chloe would call it).

the wedding scene. it was quite beautiful, and it was set to an awesome song that was also on the Twilight soundtrack (and to which i woke up every day for a year and a half).

my morning smile

2011-11-21T11:11:00.003-05:00

pizza, tv OnDemand, and in bed by midnight = the perfect weeknight date. *swoooon*

baila pa' tu papi

2011-11-20T10:10:00.024-05:00

so many things to tell you. where do i begin, considering my lack of posting lately?

1. work. going great. so busy, but mostly enjoyable, and a great excuse for not going home for Thanksgiving this year (every year i find a new excuse).

2. Thanksgiving. this year, since i have only one day off, and my housemate is in the same boat, we're having an intimate Friendsgiving with 5 or 7 lovely people. the turkey has been purchased, the house is full of food just waiting to be cooked, and i'm in charge of nothing but cocktails. sweeeeeeet!

i'm thinking of concocting a vodka-cranberry-fizzy-punch thing that everyone will love and that no one will be able to tell is 50% vodka. i'll begin testing proportions today while i do laundry. now where's my punch bowl?

3. car. somehow in my hectic life juggling work, an eating-disordered cat (who is on meds and is doing much better), finding time for dates with the busy doctor, and trying to get to the gym as often as possible (twice a week is pretty good, right?!), i bought a car.

i haven't had or wanted a car for several years. why would i want a depreciating hunk of metal that will require expensive and time-consuming maintenance for the rest of our time together? i didn't. i don't. but i'm living in a city where everyone has a car, and for the time being i have a commute, so it just had to happen.

that's not my actual car. i obviously did not take Papi the Jetta to a scenic hill for a few glamour shots. if you want to see my actual car, i'll text you a horrible photo that my Ma insisted on taking, or an embarrassing one that Cass took on the day that i got the car. picture me draped over the hood, smizing and cooing. why do i still let her talk me into shit like that? we're not 19 anymore.

at any rate, i like the car a lot, and it's the second Jetta i've owned. it wasn't my first car choice. i made sure that the first song i played in my new car was J.Lo's PAPI. i don't even like the song that much, but i had to play it in honor of the Fiat that i so badly wanted but didn't buy because it's ridiculously small (also, two guys told me i would look so gay driving it; one of them said he'd break up with me). listen to see if you catch the part in the song where J.Lo pays tribute to Willow Smith.

the video features J.Lo's acclaimed acting skills and reminds me of the little-known 1992 film Love Potion No. 9, starring a young and much less attractive, diamond-in-the-rough Sandra Bullock. now you know.

4. Twilight. the series drags on, and unfortunately i am committed for the long haul. if you haven't yet seen Breaking Dawn, here's some advice: drink beforehand. it is so awful and hilarious, what with the cartoonish talking dogs and Edward chewing a demon baby out of Bella's womb (oops, i should've said **Spoiler Alert**. my bad!), that i wish that i'd had some vodka-cranberry-fizzy-punch to make the film seem less ridiculous and maybe less memorable. the final film (what number are we on, now, the seventh?) will be released in a year. just let it end already. just --- enough.

on the upside, we finally see our beloved idiot characters having sexual relations, and it looks absolutely nothing like this:

that is not R.Patts' body, not even close. the promos for this film all deserve Photoshop Emmys. also, the sex scenes are laugh out loud funny.

and there you have it. this has been an in-depth, multimedia update on my life. tell me what's going on in yours?

also, i'll be live-blogging the Drunksgiving shenanigans on Thursday, since i'm not doing any of the cooking or other hard work. stay tuned.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-11-13T20:08:00.001-05:00

less-guilty pleasures

2011-11-12T21:09:00.000-05:00

now that i have so little time to watch television, i've been forced to make difficult choices.

this fall i've traded in my guilty pleasure CW shows (i bid you adieu, Gossip Girl. i'll miss you most, Vampire Diaries) for a few new guilty pleasures that just happen to be more adult.

okay, Once Upon A Time is pretty embarrassingly girlish, but American Horror Story is ridiculously entrancing and even a bit scary, and best of all is Revenge.

are you watching Revenge? it's so good (and believe it or not, it has nothing to do with the shirtless guys. they always wear shirts on television).

our Sunday rituals

2011-11-06T14:22:00.013-05:00

used to be church. now just hangovers and brunch.

speaking of brunch, which one of you called the author of this piece and told her everything about my life?

oh, your life also? what's with us?

HOW TO GO TO BRUNCH

Wake up moderately-to-completely drunk from the night before. Think to yourself, “I’m never drinking again, unless it’s right now.” You think this because you know drinking is the best hangover cure – though that isn’t necessarily true, is it? You’re not so much “curing your hangover” as you are “getting drunk again,” and god knows that once you’re wasted, you’re not one for multitasking. PEACE OUT, HANGOVER. See you tomorrow!

Roll out of bed and assemble the brunch squad. Wake up roommates/bedmates. Call people. “You’re still in bed? Well, haven’t you heard? We’re brunchin’ it up! Get your ass in gear or we’re making decisions without you. You have 20 minutes to get over here, we’re all dying of hunger. No admittance without beer, sowwy, byeeee.”

Once your key players are in place, argue about where you’re going to eat. You want the place with the drink specials, they’re tired of the chicken salad there, you tell them to be more creative with their order, they say, “Jesus, you’re obsessed with that place. Can’t we go somewhere else for once?” And you’re all, “Fine. YOU pick a place where we can get plastered for a flat rate of $25 and I’ll consider it,” just do that until everyone is too hungry and murderous to disagree with you.

Put on your brunch shirt. You know, your brunch shirt. It’s the shirt you somehow manage to wear every weekend, without fail; essentially it’s the easiest shirt to find/ coordinate with/ look cute in when you’re drunk. Often, it resembles something you’d sleep in and disguises stains well enough. Plaid button down? Kurt Cobain t-shirt that was once black but now rocks that proud “I’ve survived over 2,000 washes” gray? The too-small hoodie you had to cut half the sleeves off of, just to make it fit again? PUT IT ON. YOU’RE GOIN’ TO BRUNCH.

Have a beer while everyone meanders around in a hungover stupor. “Guys, I’m starving!”

Someone/ everyone proclaims. “What did we do last night? There’s like, potato chips everywhere. And hot sauce.” “Where?” you say, I mean you’re not going to eat them or anything, you’re just curious. “Guys. Hold the phone. What did we eat last night? I vaguely recall eating something…” and no one remembers. You never remember.

Put on your sunglasses and walk to brunch. Link arms with one of your friends and tell her a secret. “I almost texted him last night…” She’ll look at you like you just told her you’re considering ass implants. Then she’ll slap you harder than intended. “Bad!” You keep full sentences to a minimum, at least until noon.

Arrive at your brunch destination, where everybody knows your name because you’ve announced your arrival every weekend for the past six months. “EVERYBODY IT’S ME, THE FOURSQUARE MAYOR! Y’ALL GOT A MAYOR SPECIAL YET?” Lucky for you, this restaurant hasn’t quite taken off yet so the staff is endeared by your loyalty. Sit down and order a round of mimosas/ Bloody Marys/ bellinis. “What’s a bellini?” a new member of the brunch squad asks, and you’re all “God. Where did you grow up? Guam?” and they’re all, “Yeah, actually. Never mind, I’ll take a Bloody Mary. Prick.”

Whenever the waiter approaches your table, order another round. Even if no one needs a new drink. Unlimited drinks brunch prefix, this ain’t a game. Speak now or forever hold your empty glass remembering what once was. After polishing off your meal and 904089084396 drinks, begin taking suggestions for what to do next. You all have a default bar in mind, just in case. “There’s some bands playing down the street,” one person offers. This suggestion gets a universal MEH until, “and it’s open bar” is tacked on to the end of it. “Shall we?” You shall.

Have a nightmare of a time trying to figure out who owes what. The plight of the financially stagnant 20-something. Resolve to make a rich, guilty friend in 2012. “Well, your meal is $3 more because you added prosciutto. Sorry to be the bearer of the bad news.” “Um, whatever, because you two shared a side of bacon so, hi! We’re even!” “Not really, because I paid .90 cents more on the cable bill this month, so get over yourself. Cheap ass.” Cell phones are drawn (to calculate the tip). The newbie brunch squader rescinds her membership. I mean, brunch isn’t for everyone.

in other news, i'm so hung over today, and neither my roommate nor i know what happened during the final two hours of last night. it was a perfect day for brunch, and i'm so happy that the above is what i found on my Google. i suddenly feel so not-alone in this world.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-11-06T10:10:00.000-05:00

my morning smile

2011-11-04T09:09:00.001-04:00

this stupid comic made me chuckle and reminded me of something. well, of two things:

1. when i was young, i couldn't get enough of The Far Side comics. for hours i could sit alone in a library or bookstore (where i grew up, that was called Wal-Mart. gross.) and chuckle at the books of comics.

2. i also spent a lot of time as a child looking for Waldo. i had so many Where's Waldo books that -- wait. that means they still must be somewhere in my mom's house. i have to find them the next time i go home. for old time's sake. for the child/nerd in me.

neruda says...

2011-11-03T09:11:00.000-04:00

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

outta my, outta my head

2011-10-31T09:09:00.001-04:00

i'm getting old, and i need something to rely on

so tell me when you're gonna let me in

i'm getting tired, and i need somewhere to begin

let's all pretend that the trailer for the new "Winnie the Pooh" film wasn't what reminded us of this great song...

krakauer says...

2011-10-30T11:11:00.000-04:00

So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-10-30T09:09:00.004-04:00

my secret is that i don't judge this person or think that he/she is a bad person; in fact, i recently said something to this effect to a friend.

of course i don't wish devastation or destruction on any specific peoples, but -- geesh, it's getting pretty crowded around here. and hot...

does that make me a bad person?

jobs says...

2011-10-27T17:55:00.002-04:00

You tend to get told that the world is the way it is, but life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: and that is that everything around you that you call life was made up by people no smarter than you. Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again.

idle autumn morning

2011-10-25T10:10:00.002-04:00

Tuesday morning. the house is silent. i'm posting to say that i'm having a great week and that i feel lucky to have great friends like T, who came to visit last night (and brought me Tina Fey's "Bossypants" on audiobook [!!!]) and who is still sleeping like a lazy kitten, at 10:45 AM...

last night we made mulled cider with rum and watched a truly terrifying film that gave me nightmares as a child and that i still found disturbing while re-watching as a 29 year old man. Return to Oz. so. scary.

if you haven't seen it, i recommend that you watch it between now and Halloween. 'tis the season.

it's pretty dark, compared to The Wizard of Oz. basically, Dorothy ends up in a mental institution for some electro-shock therapy (because she's a lesbian, i assume, and that really is what they did to gays back then); she escapes; she flies to Oz, which has been decimated beyond recognition since her previous, sparkly visit. some old bitch with interchangeable heads captures Dorothy and wants to steal her youth (kind of like the film Hocus Pocus, and Madonna). then a lot of other scary stuff happens, but i don't remember because i fell asleep last night halfway through the movie. oops! my bad...

i blame the rum, but also i woke up at 4:30 yesterday morning after foolishly staying awake until after midnight.

in other news, today i'm test-driving a new car -- that is, if my guest ever gets out of bed.

in re: double dates

2011-10-23T16:44:00.008-04:00

tonight the doctor and i are going on a double dinner date with my roommate and her lover. reservations are made, and i'm excited for The Brewer's Art (which, i found out on Friday night, you can't just walk into and have dinner, unless you're willing to wait for more than two hours for a table). maybe i'll write a review about it -- though since i only have a couple Baltimore readers, that might be a waste of time.

in honor of the occasion, i looked up an old post i wrote about double dating. yeah, that's right. i have nothing original to share here, so i'm recycling old thoughts. wanna fight about it?

in other news, it has been a beautiful, autumnally perfect weekend in Baltimore, and my favorite guy, Bryce, came for a short but fun visit. all is right in the world.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-10-23T11:11:00.000-04:00

palahniuk says...

2011-10-22T14:02:00.000-04:00

That's the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good f*cking life.

outta my, outta my head

2011-10-21T16:04:00.000-04:00

new favorite tune. on repeat all week.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-10-16T10:10:00.001-04:00

to go out or not to go out?

2011-10-14T15:03:00.027-04:00

there's a topic that i've been discussing with friends and acquaintances for the past few days, and i want to know what my blog buddies think about it: going out with the person with whom you're going out. in other, more sensical words, is it weird to go out drinking with your boyfriend/girlfriend/person who you're dating?

obviously it's normal to go out to dinner and drinks with the object of your affection; that's just a date. but some people think that it's very strange, almost inappropriate, to go out drinking and/or dancing with that person. what do you think?

i started thinking about this last week when D asked me, "Do you think [the doctor] will ever come out drinking with us?"

"I'm not sure. Probably," i guessed, considering that the dance floor is where we first met. then again, a dance floor isn't the place for the get-to-know-you romance involved in courtship. for most of us, the bar is where we socialize, catch up with friends, and drink away the week's problems. for some people, the dance floor is a place for sluttiness and for others, friendliness. but it's certainly not the place for quality time with someone you care about.

unless, as D and i decided, you're with a group of friends. a group, by the way, has to be more than three people. i've only had one serious relationship that involved going out together often, and it was almost always with a group of people who i invited over to my house to have cocktails before going to the bars in my hood. in other past relationships, i tended to either become a homebody with the boyfriend, or to separate my social and romantic lives and go out only with friends. based on my experience, i think that the you + me + our friends model seems to work best.

last night i tried just that with the doctor for the first time. usually, due to his 14-hour days and my general laziness, our quality time together is one-on-one in restaurants, always followed by television or sleeping. i decided that it's about time that we start hanging out with other people -- finally go public, if you will. i met up with D and two of our friends at a divey pub in our neighborhood, and i invited the doctor, who said he would bring along his co-worker (who D and i had met previously). the pub was lively, and our group was getting along swimmingly. i was having a nice time talking and laughing with everyone, while also discreetly holding hands with my guy under the bar. it was nice seeing friend circles mix and seeing my two, separate free-time worlds come together. then somebody suggested dancing.

a pub is one thing, but going dancing -- not to mention at the same club where we initially met -- was another; i foresaw awkwardness. i suggested that we stay in the cozy pub. "Oh look, it's pouring outside," i warned. no one seemed to care. the crowd was a mix of eager-to-dance and indifferent-and-easily-convinced. D quietly assured me that she always has a great time going out dancing with her lover, which, i pointed out, is quite different considering they're heading toward their 2-year anniversary. unfortunately, it was the doctor's friend who suggested dancing. this early on, i lack standing to overrule his friends; i could argue no more. so we danced. i had a few drinks, which always helps in an awkward situation because it either relaxes everyone so that there's no awkwardness, or it just helps me to ignore and forget the awkwardness.

friends, it was a little strange. i was self-conscious about my dance moves. i didn't know whether to touch or not touch, whether to dance with my friends or with him. it wasn't very fun, so despite having braved the rain and paid a cover to dance, i suggested calling it a night fairly early. this time, no one objected.

after parting ways with everyone but my roommate, then eating pizza and french fries (i really wish that restaurant weren't on the walk home...), i texted the doctor to say good-night and to tell him i'm looking forward to spending time with just him this weekend. he responded that he felt the same way and was thinking just that on his way home.

maybe it is just too soon, or maybe we're just not the type of couple that likes going out together. in that way, i mean.

some Sunday thoughts

2011-10-09T16:04:00.003-04:00

i've had a bad week, but i'm not in a bad mood.
i'm in pain, but i'm not focusing on the injury.
i'm laying low for now, but there are high times ahead.
the friends i've made are nice, and soon i'll be making more.
old friends are coming to visit, which gives me incentive to heal and to get ready to party.
it's all about perspective. this could've been much worse.
i am the luckiest.

the most ridiculous word of the day

2011-10-09T13:01:00.001-04:00

to date, that is.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-10-09T12:12:00.000-04:00

seeing a doctor

2011-10-06T14:48:00.001-04:00

due to a series of unfortunate and painful events involving a wooden shelf crashing into my face, i spent the morning in the emergency room.

i currently look awful, with bloodshot eyes and a huge bandage on my bloody, gnarled face. see Exhibit A:

the most ridiculous part of my awful day is that i'm not as upset about the pain or the damage to my gorgeous face as i am that i had to cancel a fun date with my doctor guy tonight. i've lost count on which date it would have been, but we had fun plans because, for once, he wasn't going to be on call starting at 5 AM tomorrow. and no, he can't see me this way. this is totally different than that time i canceled a date because of a zit. this is serious, people.

for days i've been excited to see the doctor, but the ER wasn't what i had in mind.

"doesn't mean i'm lonely"

2011-10-05T12:12:00.003-04:00

yesterday on Facebook Kelly Clarkson "leaked" her next single, the title track of her album coming out in 19 days. it's better than any feel-good, pick-yourself-up track that Gaga has released, and KC's vocals are strong.

needless to say, i. am. excited.

in the mealtime...

2011-10-04T17:05:00.001-04:00

the excitement of wandering around my new city has worn off, and i'm officially bored. my long-time readers (all three of you) know what happens when i'm not working and boredom sets in: i cook. when i'm snowed in, i cook. when i have nothing to do on a rainy Sunday, i cook. and in other circumstances for which i do not have past blog post links, i cook.

i'll be the first, and sometimes the second, to offer that i'm not a great cook, though i'm a fairly successful baker. i'm better with sweets than savory. my savory palate must be immature, because meals often backfire on me; however, that doesn't stop me from wandering around the supermarket aisles and praying to Ina Garten for culinary inspiration.

this week, with the onset of autumn weather and the taste of fresh butternut squash soup lingering in my memory from Saturday's autumnal dinner party, i decided to finally make a dish about which i've been curious for a long while: spaghetti squash.

with a little help from Martha's video tips for making a spin-off of the classic spaghetti and meatballs, i got started with plenty of time to roast and prep before my new roommate D got home. in case you don't know, the spaghetti squash is in the squash family and somehow can be turned into a substitute for spaghetti. i know, i'm like Wikipedia. so much useful information shared on this blog.

first i seasoned a sliced and disemboweled gigantic squash with olive oil, salt and pepper. next, i roasted the squash for exactly twice the amount of time that Martha told me i would need to roast it. (what kind of space oven are you using, Stewart?) fortunately, D was late getting home from work.

next i went totally off-recipe and made my own meatballs. MS's recipe involved fresh herbs and ground turkey. i've learned my lesson with ground turkey, and i no longer even try. i can't tell you how many times i've bought the lean, healthy alternative and been unable to use it because even when it's perfectly fresh, i think it smells rancid. three times. i just threw it away, fresh from the grocery store, three times. i guess i could tell you how many times. i think it smells like vomit every time i encounter it. last night i opted for super lean beef and whole grain bread crumbs instead. i also forgot to add parmesan cheese, but retrospectively decided, and told D, that i had opted for a lower calorie, still-delicious meatball.

once roasted to fleshy softness, the innards of the squash can be shredded with a fork and scooped out onto a plate, where upon far inspection they look like a pile of pasta. the roommate's late arrival allowed me to slow-cook the meatballs for approximately forever in a delicious sauce made by Ragu and very much tweaked by me.

the result was a meal that was good -- so good that i had eaten half of it before i was able to snap a blurry photo -- but that will never pass as pasta. D very much enjoyed it, and we both felt proud and healthy for choosing the low-carb, low-dairy, high-fiber alternative. as expected, it simply wasn't as satisfying as real spaghetti and meatballs.

in the end, i'm reminded of what the Bible says about food, "Life simply isn't as good without carbs."

on the other hand, a simple pasta dish couldn't have kept me busy for 2.5 hours on an otherwise lonely and boring night. thanks for that, spaghetti squash.

quote of the week, thus far

2011-10-04T08:08:00.000-04:00

"Honey, I'll gladly go out with you."

-a very small, very old woman working at Harry & David yesterday, in response to my telling her that i came in "looking for dates." then she handed me a scone hot out of the oven. she and the scone made it well worth wandering into the store.

FYI, H&D does not sell dates.

pub urinal message from the gods

2011-10-03T11:11:00.002-04:00

last night i was enjoying my fifth date with a guy who's turning out to be really great, when a trip to the men's room left me reconsidering the whirlwind relationship in which i seem to have gotten caught up in the last few weeks.

my date and i had some time to kill before a movie, so we stopped for a bite and some heat in a pub (as is typical of Northeast U.S. weather, Friday was still Summer and by Sunday morning everyone was wearing a winter jacket). while standing at a urinal, i looked up to find that someone had left me (?) a message in this bar in which i had never before been:

i'm not usually one to be superstitious or to read great meaning into insignificant things (fine, i AM), but the message caught me off guard. i wish someone had left it as "F MATT," rather than to cause me to question whether i was being told to slow down and to just be friends with my date. "Friend MATT!" that exclamation point is just so --- so -- harsh. if there were a comma (i.e. "Friend, MATT!") i probably would have called the whole thing off already. fortunately, drunk guys in bars aren't super concerned with grammar. and for that i thank them. i like the wiggle room on this one.

to make matters more thought-provoking, during the course of our evening together, my date told me that there's a chance that he'll be taking a position with a hospital in a different city in the new year. just a chance, but a great enough one that he felt the need to mention this early on. and while i haven't known him long, i already know that i'll be devastated if he leaves -- that is, unless i heed the pub urinal message, wind back the dating, and have a "just friends" talk with this really great guy.

do i take it as a word of caution, or do i ignore it? am i being crazy? is the universe speaking to me? you tell me.

in other news, the Anna Faris film "What's Your Number?" is laugh-out-loud funny yet surprisingly serious for the leading lady, considering her customary slapstick roles. as a fun rom-com, especially for purposes of a date, i highly recommend seeing it.

i should be ashamed

2011-10-02T23:11:00.003-04:00

D: You were listening to music in bed last night.
me: I do that sometimes when I'm really drunk...
D: You were playing "Skyscraper" on repeat.
me: I just -- needed to hear it.

change of scenery

2011-09-28T15:33:00.002-04:00

i decided to take a leap. make a change. abandon ship -- the ship being my life in Philadelphia. 6 years was long enough.

as i write this, i'm sitting on my bed in my new apartment in Baltimore, Maryland. after two months of back-and-forth, spending weekends in Baltimore so that i can acquaint myself with the city and meet some new friends, today it's official. i'm home. the only thing left in Philly for me to bring here is my catticus. by the time he gets here, the place will be put together and ready for him.

for now, there are boxes and suitcases everywhere. the apartment is a mess. i have a lot of organizing, unpacking and decorating to do, but i'm excited and happy to do it. i'm excited and happy to be here.

i'm living in a beautiful, historic neighborhood within walking distance to the Inner Harbor. i don't yet know my way around, but i have some before starting my job; i'll get to know the city in time.

i'm hoping that this graffiti-covered bench is correct. i'm hopeful that, for me, Baltimore will be a great city.

here goes...

that means he likes you, part III

2011-09-27T11:11:00.007-04:00

i'm picking back up with a series that i started last summer, and for which i honestly haven't had much material during my past year of dating abstinence. i had forgotten all about my own series when something so random and cute happened that i was reminded and inspired.

today's general rule is this:

If he commits an unexpected and thoughtful act of kindness for you, that means he likes you.

because men don't do such things regularly, the way a woman might. women are prone to think about you and pick up a card, a small gift, or your favorite [insert noun]. women are caretakers like this, and their thoughtfulness comes so naturally to them.

not to men. men don't usually just think of you while they walk around the grocery store. men usually don't happen to be at Hallmark and see a card that seemed absolutely perfect for you. if he's thinking about you at a time when he's able to pick up or buy something for you, that means that he's thinking of you constantly. the random act of thoughtfulness from him means that he can't get his mind off of you.

having shared with you that general rule, let me share with you the specific one that inspired me today:

If you text him to complain that Target is completely sold out of Bridesmaids on DVD, and his response only 4 minutes later is, "I just bought it for you on Amazon. It'll be here in 2 days. Come and get it." that means he likes you.

outta my, outta my head

2011-09-26T15:33:00.002-04:00

this town is colder now

i think it's sick of us

it's time to make our move

i'm shaking off the rust

i've got my heart set on anywhere but here

really into OneRepublic lately. new and old.

the dog days are near

2011-09-25T23:11:00.007-04:00

for those of you who know me IRL (in real life. i just invented that.), it's not a surprise to you that i very much want a dog.

i love dogs. i love my friends' dogs. i love TV dogs. i love strangers-on-the-sidewalks' dogs. i love dogs.

when i was 7, i opened the best birthday gift of my life: a dog. a beautiful black lab named Bawl-Baby (my choice btw. don't ever let a child name a pet. srsly.). the name was given because in the beginning she cried constantly. no matter, i instantly loved that dog. i slept with her and held her like she were my favorite "April" Ninja Turtle figure. i remember her puppy toys. i remember excitedly coming home to her every day after school.

after 6 months, my mom decided that it would be better for BB to live with my aunt and uncle on a farm, rather than waiting on me to get off the school bus every day. i. was. devastated. i may or may not have written to Oprah, who was very picky about material at that point. it was my first heart-ache.

fast-forward 12 years: i love my cat. above all other currently living mammals, i love my dear Atticus. BUT that doesn't change my desire to have a healthy, long-term relationship with a canine. a canine who sleeps on my legs and gets beyond excited when i arrive home for work.

recently, with all of life's changes, i've been thinking often about adulthood. for me, "adulthood" entails a mortgage, a partner, and a dog. i'm not sure why Atti isn't quite sufficient for my adulthood equation, but it is what i imagine it is. and my imagination has a dog in mind. that seems redundant.

not today. not tomorrow. soon. time passes quickly these days.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-09-25T18:06:00.000-04:00

i'm not really sure what i think this secret means.

i am really sure that my someone is a man.

back in the saddle

2011-09-17T18:06:00.012-04:00

last night i got hit on and "picked up" at a club. wait, "picked up" doesn't mean taken home, does it? because i wasn't taken home. i was just picked up, as i understand that terminology.

and i'm not telling you in order to brag; rather, i have to tell you how out of practice i am. i'm only 29, but sometimes i feel like i'm past my prime. then again, 29 is equivalent to 43 in gay years... maybe i am past my prime.

back to last night. my friends and i were dancing. he and his friends were dancing. he smiled. said hello. asked if he could buy me a drink. all was going well, and i was enjoying the conversation. then...

we were at the bar chatting and ordering drinks when he put his hand firmly on my leg. not a light brush (which happens to be one of my signature flirting moves). not a tap. not talking with his hands. just planted an open palm on my thigh. this is there point at which i felt like an old man. should he have been touching me already? is this acceptable courtship behavior? all this guy knew about me is my name and my alma mater (we quickly established that we attended the same law school, though he was about ten years ahead of me). i let it go, but i thought he was being too forward. am i a prude?

then it got worse. i should preface this by pointing out that it was around 1 AM, and he was probably as tipsy as i was, but he touched my belly. my beer belly (my new rule is that once i'm out, i drink only beer, because that way i remember everything the next day. the pre-gaming is still with the love of my life, vodka. when i hit the streets, i'm finished with vodka for the night.) so he casually reached over and rested his hand on my side, with his thumb touching my stomach, as if it were a normal gesture that one would make to an acquaintance on the street. yeah, i probably looked touchably good, but still, no. just, no. my belly is boyfriend territory, not new-potential-friend-in-a-club territory. so i backed up. my non-verbals made it clear that he shouldn't be touching me so prematurely comfortably, and he returned his hand to my knee.

in the end, i gave the guy my number. it won't go beyond friendship, but he's a successful lawyer who seems to have a nice group of friends. and it can't hurt to meet someone new, whether he turns out to be a personal or professional contact. he texted me today to ask me to dinner, which i'm happy to let him pay for.

that said, i felt uncomfortable with the personal bubble violation, despite it having happened in the wee hours of the morning. i wasn't drunk, and i don't think that he was, either. a friendly, almost professional (due to work and school talk) conversation got unexpectedly physical. am i being crazy here? am i being a prude? (my personal dating history reflects that usually i am not.) be honest.

pray tell, is it normal to touch strangers like that when you're not dancing with them, but rather are simply sitting on adjacent bar stools? i submit that it is not. and that is just one reason why i feel that i might be too old for this game.

i need to meet new people. i need to get back into the dating game. i think i need to loosen up and not be so quick to back away from new people.

coelho says...

2011-09-17T09:09:00.001-04:00

You drown not by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it.

these days, i'm gasping for air and trying to grab onto rocks along the way.

"Who's Caleb?"

2011-09-09T18:06:00.004-04:00

if i had a dollar for every time i've been searching for a contact in my phone and have noticed a name that rings absolutely no bells...

it's always a male first name. never a last name. that would jog some memory. probably.

there's usually not a descriptor, because that also would help my memory. i've recently used a few descriptors in my address book. you know what i mean by a descriptor, right? i've been chatting with some Indian kid named Sam but haven't met him or Facebooked him yet, so he's obviously in my phone as Sam Indian.

i need to just save boys in my phone according to how we met, or where our one and only date occurred. John Irish Pub. why don't i do this every time?

oh, i know why. because at the time when i'm first talking to a new guy, i assume that our courtship will go so magically and unprecedentedly well that within a short time, i'll not only know his last name, but will be making plans to add it to my own, after a sexy hyphen. because i'm a romantic. because i'm always looking for my future husband. because i'm an idiot.

and i have absolutely no idea who Caleb is.

bad times in Philadelphia

2011-09-05T13:11:00.035-04:00

WHAT -- a weekend. if this holiday weekend were a mixed drink, i'd tell you not to make it again; however, if you were to do so, you'd need one part fun, two parts anger, three parts frustration, and one part much-needed therapeutic drunkenness. garnish with a few tears.

let me elaborate.

Saturday night i was out on what was shaping up to be a really fun second date with a tall lawyer when my phone begins ringing repeatedly. it was one of my roommates. of course i immediately feared that something bad had happened. it had.

i rushed home to find my roommate Moody talking with police officers, as our apartment had been burgled within the short, two-hour period between the time that i left for my date and when the roommate got home from his. despite the police officers' warnings to leave everything as the fu@$%ng criminal pieces of s&%t (hereinafter, fcpos's) had left it, i ran around checking to see what was taken. at first, it appeared that not much was taken. the fcpos's left our flat-screen televisions and my four bottles of vodka, so i wasn't too alarmed about my weekend plans being ruined. oh wait ----

every small, portable and prized valuable was taken. our laptops. our watches. our backpacks. our jewelry. my prescription eyeglasses (who the -- why would -- whatever). just things, i know. i've told myself repeatedly that they're just things, but i haven't been convinced. because my roommate's watch wasn't just a super nice watch; it was a gift from a family member. and our laptops aren't just electronics, but they contain so much information -- mine contained almost seven years of my music, my writing, my photographs, my favorite po--- um -- websites. and yes, it's almost all backed up, thank Buddha. but some of it's missing, and worst of all, some fcpos out there has MY STUFF and MY INFORMATION. i'm so angry right now. angry again. angry still. angry FOREVZ.

and then worst of all, for me: my backpack -- you know, my North Face "hiking" backpack that came with a wine/water pouch and drinking tube. not because it's a nice one and it was a great gift from Moody that i wouldn't have bought for myself because it was expensive, but because it contained so much. the journal i had kept since high school. that's where the tear garnish comes in. that's the worst for me. my roommates have their own worst losses from this event, but mine is the journal.

so i do the only thing i know how to do: i shift into attorney mode and try to think ahead, rather than to be emotional.

first we demanded that the locks be changed (did i mention that there was no forced entry? long story.). the locks to our building and apartment were changed within hours, thanks to Shaunice's screaming.
next we catalogued every item missing and looked up either cost or replacement value.
then i pulled out the only laptop left in our house (again, thank you Buddha for the one) and drafted a demand letter to several potentially responsible parties. someone is responsible for our loss, and i'm happy to let the Philadelphia civil court system sort it out if necessary. i'd be happy to tell you details, but i shouldn't do that right now.
now we wait, but not patiently; rather, we make life miserable for our apartment management company until we get somewhere.

i'm ready for this weekend to be over. i'm angry and in a bad mood, and drinking my feelings only works for so long.

coupland says...

2011-09-03T20:08:00.001-04:00

In the end, I think relationships that survive in this world are the ones where two people can finish each other’s sentences. Forget drama and torrid sex, and the clash of opposites. Give me banter any day of the week.

yesterday my best friend and i drove from Baltimore to Philadelphia. as we arrived in Philly, i noticed that during the entire drive, for approximately an hour and 45 minutes, we never stopped talking. we never turned on the radio.

that's a great relationship -- a best friendship. i can only hope that i'll find a man with whom i can have that kind of relationship. any day now.

here comes the rain again

2011-08-27T18:06:00.000-04:00

RAINMAGEDDON 2011 has begun. Philly will get up to 12 inches of rain overnight. Mayor Nutter just warned everyone that the electricity might go out for "ten days to two weeks," which seems ridiculous.

i'm freaking out. i like rain a lot, but i really hope that we don't lose electricity. i can't sleep without a fan blowing on me.

pray for us sinners and our electric companies.

outta my, outta my head

2011-08-25T16:04:00.003-04:00

today i'm listening to Coldplay's "Every Teardrop is a Waterfall" on repeat. i heard it in a pub last week, and i immediately loved the tinny sound and the Irish-y guitar. the video is pretty sweet, too:

when i get tired of hearing that, i listen to my girl Robyn's cover thereof.

love it. love it bad.

hoffman says...

2011-08-24T15:33:00.000-04:00

It doesn’t matter what people tell you. It doesn’t matter what they might say. Sometimes you have to leave home. Sometimes, running away means you’re headed in the exact right direction.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-08-22T16:04:00.004-04:00

i checked Postsecret today, rather than yesterday, because where i was yesterday included:

-Baltimore. so much fun.
-I-95. not a fun drive when horribly hung over.
-my couch. so hung over.
-my bed. early. so tired.

these weekend adventures wear me out.

fun times, though. my awesome travel companion took some cool photos. maybe i'll be able to share one or two.

my afternoon smile

2011-08-17T17:05:00.001-04:00

today at the cafe i received such an unexpected, surprising compliment from a regular customer: that i look like a teenager.

wellll.... kind of. the conversation went as follows:

nice red-headed girl: Did you cut your hair?
me: Yeah, I just got bored and shaved it off.
nrhg: It looks good!
me: Thanks. People keep telling me that I look younger.
nrhg: Yeah, you do.
me: Like I'm 16?
nrhg: Yeah.

[later, when the customer was leaving]

me: See you later! Thanks for saying I look like I'm 16.
nrhg: You sort of suggested it, so --
me: Okay, see 'ya.

wasn't that so nice of her? here i am, almost 30, and people think i look so young, including the produce lady at Reading Terminal last week.

raining on Sunday

2011-08-14T14:22:00.010-04:00

a rainy, grey Sunday afternoon. i've already done lots of laundry, cleaned the house, and gone out shopping at Reading Terminal.

the only things left to do are to crawl back onto my bed, start a new book (which came highly recommended from both T and Tay [yes, they're real people even if they don't sound like they are]), and spend the afternoon in silence.

you probably can't see him, save for his fur poking out, but Mr. Finch is lazing with me, in his favorite prison cell of a laundry basket.

plath says...

2011-08-13T14:02:00.001-04:00

Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to.

so much is going on, or gearing up to go on, right now that i don't know where to start. how to frame it. which reasons to offer, which to keep to myself. so, for the time being, i'm simply not writing about any of it on here. my old-fashioned, pen-to-paper journal helps me to get it all down in sentences, and out of my brain, for now. i'll tell you all about it when i know how to do so.

idle hands...

2011-08-07T14:22:00.001-04:00

this morning, in what was likely a subconscious effort to expunge all of the sins of this weekend, i thoroughly cleaned my entire bedroom and bathroom, moving furniture and pulling frames off walls and books off shelves. so much Clorox, Comet and Lysol used. life is now so clean and so fresh-smelling.

apparently my hands, when idle, are the germophobe's playground. that may not make sense.

then, still restless, i shaved off all my hair (on my head. not elsewhere, though i could stand for some trail maintenance and -- nevermind).

and yes, people, i know i need to Botox that forehead wrinkle away. it's on my to-do list in the upcoming years.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-08-07T13:11:00.001-04:00

i think i learned this lesson in my early 20's. the single life can be a lot of fun, and waiting for someone to come along is a waste of time.

having said that, it will be nice to once again have a guy to call mine. whenever that may happen.

one of these things is not like the other

2011-08-03T06:06:00.029-04:00

during my weekend trip home to the country, Cassifrass and i hung out for a little while with my brother and his girlfriend. when we arrived, they were drinking beer and swimming with some friends; these are good things, as they made it easier to cut the visit short once the smalltalk got boring.

as Cass and i sat talking to the ladies, my older brother and his friend engaged in what appeared to be a cannonball contest. with every splash of water that came in our direction, Cass's cringe became more bitter, and i couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous it was that two slightly under-the influence, 31-year-old men were having an awesome time together, just challenging one another to bigger and splashier jumps off the diving board.

as i sat with my legs hanging into the pool, content to enjoy the sunshine and the peaceful backyard, i couldn't help but note the many differences between me and my brother. we grew up together, but we never had much in common.

you see, i was never like that. ever. not even at the horseplayful age of ten did i engage in such antics -- let alone at 30. i remember that once i was old enough to do so, i preferred to swim alone so that i could pretend to be a mermaid and see how long i could sit on the bottom of the pool before surfacing. back then my brother and his neighborhoodlum friends were an annoyance during my imaginative, self-contained playtime.

my ma still likes to tell people that i was such a quiet child that she would have to come looking for me to make sure i was all right, and she'd find me in silence, writing or playing with Legos in my bedroom. not that i wasn't an active youth; i could spend hours jumping on our trampoline while listening to my walkman (when i got my first Ace of Base tape, i almost wore out that trampoline). did Ma wonder why i sat in my room reading and re-reading my favorite books, like "Ten Kids, No Pets" (i loved that book and read it so many times) while my brother and the other neighborhood boys built and raced bikes outside?

most likely, she always knew i was -- um -- different. this weekend's visit home reminded me that i still am. i guess i was born with it.

on an unrelated note, here's this photo:

note: this is not a photo of me or of anyone i know. i only wish i had that complexion.

burroughs says..

2011-08-02T10:10:00.002-04:00

I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say, "Hi." They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word.

sometimes i find myself saying hello to strangers and asking them, "How are you?" as if i'm working -- when i'm not working but am simply in a public place.

in my experience, the elderly are happy to answer and even chat. young people just seem to be creeped out. i'm not even a creepy person. i guess if you start talking to a stranger who's around your age, he or she thinks that you're flirting or trying to pick him or her up. i should just save my niceties for the elderly.

my afternoon smile

2011-08-01T16:04:00.019-04:00

i just caught myself chuckling as i remembered a ridiculous conversation that i had with my normally sensical mother during my weekend visit to the country. i was trying to pet my neighbor's goat, seen here:

Ma: They had another one, but it died.
me: That's sad. What happened to it?
Ma: Nothing. It just died. Goats do that.
me: It didn't just die. Animals don't just die for no reason.
Ma: Goats do. Out of the blue.
me: No they don't.
Ma: Trust me. They have seizures or something.

all i could do was laugh at her. if any of you have experience with goats spontaneously expiring, let me know. i have some experience with goats, believe it or not, and i don't recall them dropping like flies. when i was young, i had a pet goat named Nanny. she didn't die. we had to send her away because she kept spitting on us and biting everyone who came near her.

at any rate, it was a nice weekend away from Philly and a nice visit with the fam.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-07-31T16:04:00.001-04:00

if i had achieved that six-pack for which i so desperately yearned, i would've been a total slut.*

*read: even more of a slut.

outta my, outta my head

2011-07-25T16:04:00.000-04:00

Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts

and we’ve got to find other ways to make it alone or keep a straight face

and I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance

and up until now I had sworn that I'm content with loneliness

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-07-24T10:10:00.000-04:00

quote of the week, thus far

2011-07-23T17:57:00.001-04:00

You know what I discovered? It's not who you want to spend Friday night with, it's who you want to spend all day Saturday with.

truth, people. from Friends with Benefits, which i saw today and which i very much enjoyed.

i love Mila Kunis, J.Timbs is naked during the majority of the film, and the acting was surprisingly good. also, lots of cameos by random stars who i didn't even know were in the film, including my fave, Emma Stone.

welcome home

2011-07-22T15:03:00.001-04:00

it was great to arrive home and find this little birthday gift waiting for me. the Brown Betty cupcakes were nice as well. thanks, roommates!

i'll return to my healthful detox after this weekend of partying.

coelho says...

2011-07-18T17:05:00.001-04:00

I can see the storm approaching. Like all storms, it brings destruction, but at the same time, it soaks the fields, and the wisdom of the heavens falls with the rain. Like all storms, it will pass. The more violent it is, the more quickly it will pass.

I have, thank God, learned to weather storms.

T and i are re-reading Paulo Coelho's "The Witch of Portobello." i haven't read it since the Spring of 2008. it is now a totally new book to me, and for it i have both new understanding and a different level of identification.

when i revisit Coelho's writing, i always wonder why i stayed away for so long. the man writes to my soul, and i should read him all the time.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-07-17T16:44:00.001-04:00

i hope you dance.

2011-07-16T12:12:00.004-04:00

last night i tried a sort of social science experiment, and the results were just as i had hypothesized: it is very difficult to go out dancing without being under the influence.

i like to drink. i like to dance with my friends. i like to do these things in tandem. they go well together, these things.

what would prompt me to go out to a dark, sweaty, over-crowded, straight, divey, hipster club while sober? well, i've been detoxing. for the past 12 days i've been abstaining from alcohol in order to both give my liver a short break and to lower my tolerance so that i can get totally pissed on my upcoming birthday.

it should not surprise you that avoiding alcohol can be a damper on a strapping young man's social life. i've turned down countless social invitations for fear of being unable to avoid temptation once face to face with the sweet nectar of the gods that i lovingly call wodka. it had been only two weeks, but that's two very quiet weekends on my couch and taking walks and getting to bed early. by last night, i was ready to go out.

as i mixed cocktails and grabbed beers for the five guys pre-gaming in my living room last night, i wasn't really tempted to mix one for myself. i was armed with sugar-free Red Bull, and aside from trying Skinnygirl Margarita for the first time, i didn't really feel the urge to drink. fast-forward two hours and a short taxi ride away, and the urge was coming on strong. music blasting, floor vibrating, sweaty slutty girls bumping into me, ambiguously gayish cute boys dancing around me, headache knock knock knocking on my lobes.

"I need a drink," my soul cried.

just then one of my boys leaned in and yelled into my ear, "It's not as fun when you're not drunk, is it?"

"I'm having fun," i responded.

"No you're not. You're miserable."

i buckled under pressure and had a couple PBR's. they weren't enjoyable. they didn't measure up to the Stoli-seltzer of which i would've liked to have an IV drip. but they took the edge off, and i was able to dance (kind of) comfortably (kind of) for a few hours, all the while very conscious of how i was dancing. it was a fun night, and the energy drank got me so amped up that i opted to walk the 1.7 miles home and then stayed up to enjoy my new fave show (Curb Your Enthusiasm) until 3:30 AM.

today i'm left wondering how teetotalers can party and let loose in public places; my gal pal dated a guy who was in AA and who enjoyed going out to clubs and dancing while drinking only Red Bull. when he told me this, i couldn't fathom finding that enjoyable, let alone exciting. kudos to people who are able to do so. it means more vodka for the rest of us.

my detox isn't over, despite a few sips of Bethenny's tequila juice and the two cheap beers. i'm still abstaining until my birthday, and i may try again to go out while above the influence. in fact, i may try again tonight.

i hope that you're having a fantastic weekend, sober or intoxicated.

campbell says...

2011-07-13T16:04:00.000-04:00

You must give up the life you had planned, in order to live the life that is waiting for you.

i've given up. all of it. i've given up all of my plans.

in the know

2011-07-12T19:07:00.002-04:00

if you don't yet have Google+, you're so two thousand and late. i have it, and all the cool people i know have it.

in other news, i have no clue what Google+ is supposed to do for me. every day when i log on, the plus informs me that my friends are "hanging out" online without me.

once upon a time, when i was 17 years old and used Yahoo! to "meet" "friends" all over the country, we used to call this phenomenon a chat room. (what's your a/s/l?). for a brief period in 1999, i was dating a gorgeous blonde girl who lived in Virginia and who i never met. i am certain that she was real, because she sent me handwritten letters and cards enclosing her senior class photos. we met in a public chat room for Christian teenagers, but once we got serious, we chatted privately on AIM every night before bed. for me, it was the perfect romantic relationship with a girl. at any rate, the chat room thing is now called a "hangout," according to Google.

now you know.

the dog days

2011-07-11T18:06:00.042-04:00

if you hate summer weather as much as i do andalwayshaveandalwayswill, i can offer you plenty of suggestions for ways to spend a free day in the dead of summer.

most Philadelphians migrate "down na shoowuh" (translation: to the beach) every weekend of the summer. i've learned that, for many of my neighbors, "the weekend" extends from Thursday after work through Monday morning at 6 AM, leaving these people just enough time to make it back to the city to work.

i still am not like these Philadelphians, possibly because i grew up too far from any beach to ever become accustomed to going. or possibly because i don't really like the beach that much, and if i happen to make it there any time between April and October, i spend the entire trip sitting in the shade and re-applying sunscreen. i would like to still look like this when i'm 45. well, like this but more muscular. and richer. i'd like to look richer and more muscular.

at any rate, this weekend was a hot one. so, so hot. beautiful and sunny, but humid as your knee pits, as per usual in Pennsylvania. so i spent Saturday at a cool museum. after 6 years in Philadelphia and visits to almost every other art and science museum that the city has to offer, i finally visited PENN's Museum of Archaeology and Anthropology. it's a fairly small museum compared to the PMA or DC's and Pittsburgh's natural history museums, but it's full of fascinating finds and precious artifacts.

standing at the foot of the second largest sphinx ever unearthed made me feel very small (hey, remember that Postsecret from yesterday?).

all the sarcophagi (sp?) and unwrapped mummies (there are many at the museum, which surprised and impressed me) made me feel very --- well, alive, obvi. but also insignificant. in the end, we're all just piles of bones decaying in the ground. or piles of ash scattered to the wind.

this African god mask made me feel very handsome.

those are rhinoceros teeth.

and looking at my roommate through the second largest flawless crystal ball in existence (from, like, 8th century China or something) just made me feel like a great photographer. i'm so creative...

i have many more photos, but those are the highlights. i can't just share every exciting thing that i do every day, people. first, i don't have the time. my life is very exciting. second, i need my privacy.

just a couple of my other suggestions are sitting at the art museum and reading, as well as seeing a double feature at the theater (if you can find two movies that you want to see; i couldn't find even one this weekend. well, i'm thinking about "Bad Teacher"...). but for this weekend, the archaeo/anthropology museum was perfect.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-07-10T18:06:00.000-04:00

me, too.
the beach.
volcanoes.
looking up at the starry sky while home on the farm.
also, looking out of airplane windows.

so small.

genetically predisposed

2011-07-05T19:37:00.006-04:00

today my mom beat me for the first time at an iPhone app/game called Hanging with Friends (a combination of hangman and Scrabble/Words with Friends). i wasn't pleased.

i don't like to lose, and i almost never lose at Scrabble or the like. ask anyone who's played either with me during the past 15 years.

i got my competitive spirit from her. and our current game just got real serious, y'all.

"grant her a rough patch"

2011-07-04T15:03:00.005-04:00

i came across this "Prayer for My Daughter," written by the brilliant and always hilarious Tina Fey. i don't yet have a daughter, but i love this and have to share.

i am still laughing, and i've read it three times.

First, Lord: no tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from acting but not all the way to finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the drums to the fiery rhythm of her own heart with the sinewy strength of her own arms, so she need not llie with drummers.

Grant her a rough patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, for childhood is short – a tiger flower blooming magenta for one day – and adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a bitch in front of Hollister, give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, for I will not have that shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

”My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a mental note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-07-03T09:09:00.001-04:00

OMG, same here. but more like when i'm 50.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-06-26T17:05:00.000-04:00

outta my, outta my head

2011-06-20T20:08:00.001-04:00

basically, i wish that you loved me
i wish that you needed me
i wish that you knew when i said two sugars,
actually i meant three

Kate Nash plays so often on my Pandora stations, regardless whether i've punched in Robyn or Flo+TM. the first few times i heard her, i thought that Lily Allen was finally singing something nice and not using the f*ck word in a song.*

the more Kate plays, the more her voice and her lyrics grow on me.

currently, this is my jam. i'm developing a crush on the idea of having a crush.

*to be fair, Kate also sings this song. so basically all British gals have filthy mouths, eh?

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-06-19T17:55:00.000-04:00

shaw says...

2011-06-16T16:44:00.001-04:00

It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.

Debbie is my dream date.

2011-06-13T17:05:00.000-04:00

thanks so so much to Colleen for sending this link to me. it's truly truly truly outrageous.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-06-12T10:10:00.003-04:00

no postcards today, as they're all about Father's Day.

instead, my own "secret." on this Hallmark holiday, i send Father's Day cards to my mom. she was both.

she always thanks me, but she never expresses how the cards make her feel. i hope they make her feel strong and good about the job that she did with us boys. i really don't know.

something different

2011-06-12T09:09:00.000-04:00

You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant. It happened to me.

-from Life as a House. <3 that movie. watched it again yesterday, which may have been the laziest day of my life.

post-conversion perspective

2011-06-06T16:04:00.001-04:00

tonight i'm thinking way back to the days that i spent writing and re-writing college admissions essays in hopes of being one of the few, the proud to be accepted to study at God's Concentration Camp, where only 20-odd percent of applicants are accepted and where the Lord himself hands you your diploma at your commencement ceremony.

i wanted to attend GCC for so many reasons, not the least of which was that attendance would guarantee each male alumnus a fulfilling career as either a poor but ecstatic missionary or a wealthy elected official who would represent strong family values but who could still maintain a very private personal life. the female alumni are promised marriage and pregnancy -- IN THAT ORDER, MIND YOU!-- within months of graduation. i wanted so badly to be accepted at that particular college that my church family and i prayed over my application.

i recall writing in my admissions essay about the horrors of growing up personally devoted to Christ while living in a heathen family and attending a secular school. i thought that i was born into the wrong family. only by attending a Christian college could i set myself on the right path, could i correct the Lord's unfortunate mistake.

tonight i find myself thankful for being able to grow up free from the shackles of religion, even though i voluntarily chose those shackles for most of my teen years. i just watched a documentary called "Sons of Perdition" on Oprah's OWN network.* the docu-film focuses on the lives of several young Mormons (of a very specific and fanatical sect, i should clarify) who flee from their family compound, are aggressively hunted down by parents and church members who want them to return, and struggle to adjust to life in the real world. the young men and women learn that once they fall out of grace with their church, they will forever be exiled from not only their communities but also from their own families.

watching this documentary after watching "Latter Days" (coincidentally, a film about a sexy gay Mormon who is shunned by his church and family. it was, like, Mormon weekend on tv or something.) over the weekend has reminded me to be thankful for my upbringing. while my childhood wasn't perfect and though my parents made plenty of mistakes, no one indoctrinated me with religious beliefs until i sought out religion on my own as a teenager. it was just a phase, and one that my family and close friends were content to see pass -- mostly because i made them feel very uncomfortable when i insisted that we all bow our heads in prayer before meals, despite my being the only person at the table who believed in God.

*that's redundant, i know.

not right now

2011-06-06T11:11:00.000-04:00

Do you ever read the Sunday comics? Well, when I was a little kid, I use to put my nose right up to them. And I was just amazed because it looked like this mass of dots, and none of it made sense until I pulled back. Life looks like that mass of dots to me sometimes. None of it makes any sense, but I like to think that, from God's perspective, life, everything - even this - make sense. It's not just dots. Instead we're all connected, and it's beautiful and funny and good. This close we can't expect it to make sense, not right now.

-from Latter Days, which i recently watched again after many years. gay movies are mostly terribly low quality, but this one has its moments. just a few.

outta my, outta my head

2011-06-05T19:07:00.000-04:00

new Robyn. i love this girl.

i also love the way she's rolling around and dancing like a little monkey. sometimes when i'm home alone i do the same thing. it's a great way to get amped up before a night out.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-06-05T18:06:00.000-04:00

andreas says...

2011-06-04T07:07:00.003-04:00

"There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling rain and remember it is enough to be taken care of by myself."

it's been a long short week. i'm impatient with life, though i am having lots of fun here and now.

i hate that i can't sleep in past 6:30 on a Saturday morning when i have nothing for which to wake up early.

also, i have a cold. my throat hurts. vodka helps only temporarily, but at least i have that.

i'm going to spend today taking care of myself.

quote of the week, thus far

2011-05-30T20:08:00.003-04:00

"Oh, you're a lawyer? My husband calls himself a 'recovering lawyer.' Now he's in real estate. He's a lot happier."

-a random woman who i met and who saw deep, deep into my soul.

post(ing) secret(s)

2011-05-29T08:08:00.000-04:00

quote of the week, thus far

2011-05-28T20:08:00.002-04:00

"We grew up with loose ends, loose labels and high expectations. I think we are doing just fine."

-from the article to which i linked in yesterday's post. i really like that line.