la la la

so if you wanna be with me
with these things there's no telling
we just have to wait and see

but i'd rather be working for a paycheck
than waiting to win the lottery

besides, maybe this time it's different
i mean i really think you'll like me


.

where's the beef?

8 days ago i started a new diet -- er, new lifestyle, as they say -- okay, that's just false. this is a crash diet, and i can be honest about that.

the goal: a lean beach-ready body by august, as the yin to my previous goal of putting on weight (which i think i did fairly well with - 15 lbs from Christmas to may 1)
the punishment: no carbs, basically. well, some carbs at breakfast are ok, and fruit (which i don't really like anyway) is ok. also, increased cardio.
the preliminary results: in 8 days, i've lost 4 - maybe 5 - pounds, according to the scale at the gym. this is the same scale i've been using since december, even though my mom got me a scale for at home (a christmas gift. probably because at thanksgiving she and my brother both noted that i had "gotten a belly."). anyway, i don't use the at-home scale. it's glass, and i feel like i'm going to break it and have shards of glass in my feet. anyway...

so it's going well, right? 4 pounds lost in a week?

but no. because that wasn't really the plan. i didn't want to lose pounds, i just wanted to lose fat. and i thought that if i ate enough protein and fat, i could keep up my weight and yet somehow turn into this chiseled, muscular, big, lean machine. i was wrong. because i'm starving to death.

no matter how much i've eaten in the past week, i've remained hungry. i bet that if i'd have even one little triscuit or a crouton, i'd instantly feel satisfied. but i've tried not to do that. so here i am, wasting away to nothing.

i'm open to all advice you may have. remember the goal: beach bod, NOT skinny bod.

what is your word?

in a fit of not unexpected insomnia last night, i picked up Eat, Pray, Love from my nightstand and began reading. i forgot how much i love this book. have i told you? yes, i have. see about 20 of my previous entries about it.

before i knew it, i was through with italy and ready to begin india, which is the second part of the 3-part adventure. in case you forget, the book is the memoir of a woman who flees her post-divorce life and spends a year traveling in pursuit of happiness.

one of my faaaavorite parts:

He said, "Don't you know that the secret to understanding a city and its people is to learn - what is the word of the street?"
Then he went on to explain, in a mixture of English, Italian, and hand gestures, that every city has a single word that defines it, that identifies most people who live there. if you could read people's thoughts as they were passing you on the streets of any given place, you would discover that most of them are thinking the same thought. Whatever the majority thought might be -- that is the word of the city. And if your personal word does not match the word of the city, then you don't really belong there.

"What's Rome's word?" I asked.
"SEX," he announced.
"But isn't that a stereotype about Rome?"
"No."
"But surely there are some people in Rome thinking about other things than sex?"
Giulio insisted: "No. All of them, all day, all they are thinking about is SEX."
"Even over at the Vatican?"
"That's different. The Vatican isn't part of Rome. They have a different word over there. Their word is POWER."
"You'd think it would be FAITH."
"It's POWER," he repeated. "Trust me. But the word in Rome -- It's SEX."

Now if you are to believe Giulio, that little word - SEX - cobbles the streets beneath your feet in Rome, runs through the fountains here, fills the air like traffic noise. Thinking about it, dressing for it, seeking it, considering it, refusing it, making a sport and game out of it -- that's all anybody is doing..
Giulio asked, "What's the word in New York City?"
I thought about this for a moment, then decided. "It's a verb, of course. I think it's ACHIEVE."
(Which is subtly but significantly different from the word in Los Angeles, I believe, which is also a verb: SUCCEED...)

But Giulio was already on to the next and most obvious question: "What's your word?"

last summer as we were reading this for the first time, cpg and i decided that Philadelphia's word is HISTORY. because everyone here is obsessed with it. we want to be defined by its highs, and we want to overcome its lows. the bottom rung of society is desperately trying to escape it. and possibly more than in any other city in the US, HISTORY truly is all around us in Philly.

but what's my word? that's a tougher one to answer.

and what's yours, friend?

my week

I find the key is to think of a day as units of time, each unit consisting of no more than thirty minutes. Full hours can be a little bit intimidating and most activities take about half an hour. Taking a bath: one unit, watching countdown: one unit, web-based research: two units, exercising: three units, having my hair carefully disheveled: four units. It's amazing how the day fills up, and I often wonder, to be absolutely honest, if I'd ever have time for a job. How do people cram them in?
-from About a Boy


that's basically my life this week.
today i slept 'til noon, then took a 2-hour nap. so wrong.
in my defense, it was a late night.
watched that movie. talked to atticus.
this is temporary, though.
i just wanted a taste of lazy summer.
i think i've satiated my hunger for now.

tomorrow i'll be productive. maybe even leave the house.

Loving

"The older generation’s fears and prejudices have given way, and today’s young people realize that if someone loves someone they have a right to marry. Surrounded as I am now by wonderful children and grandchildren, not a day goes by that I don’t think of Richard and our love, our right to marry, and how much it meant to me to have that freedom to marry the person precious to me, even if others thought he was the “wrong kind of person” for me to marry.

I believe all Americans, no matter their race, no matter their sex, no matter their sexual orientation, should have that same freedom to marry. Government has no business imposing some people’s religious beliefs over others. Especially if it denies people’s civil rights.

I am still not a political person, but I am proud that Richard’s and my name is on a court case that can help reinforce the love, the commitment, the fairness, and the family that so many people, black or white, young or old, gay or straight seek in life. I support the freedom to marry for all. That’s what Loving, and loving, are all about."

-Mildred Loving, plaintiff in US Supreme Court case Loving v. Virginia, which struck down anti-miscegenation laws (anti-miscegenation means forbidding people of different races from marrying one another. which any second-grader would know, obviously. but in US history, these laws were enforced only with regards to blacks and whites inter-marrying.).

benediction

"Okay, so let me get this straight... You're finished with exams. You have a great job lined up for the fall. Graduation is in two weeks. Your fabulous paper is being published. And to top it all off, you can pass my class even if you don't write the final paper. Matthew, get out of here and go play!"

-my tax professor when i stopped in to see her this afternoon.


she makes a good point.



.

sleep disorder

if it weren't for sleeping pills, i'd probably never get more than 10 or 11 hours of sleep per night.

thank heaven for pharmaceuticals.


.

shut up

The purpose of a fish trap is to catch fish, and when the fish are caught, the trap is forgotten. The purpose of a rabbit snare is to catch rabbits. When the rabbits are caught, the snare is forgotten.

The purpose of words is to convey ideas. When the ideas are grasped, the words are forgotten.

Where can I find a man who has forgotten words? He is the one I would like to talk to.


.

it's no secret

i will always love you

dear ms. parton -- dolly, if i may,

i'd like to offer you my sincere thanks for a truly fantastic show tonight. your voice is amazing, you look great, and you made us laugh so much. further, it always amazes me how many instruments you have mastered. tonight alone you played about 10 different instruments, from the fiddle to the celtic flute, or whatever that was.

as e and i drove home, we remarked that so few people truly appreciate your talent and your grandeur. people know you for those big boobs (wow, they are absolutely huge) and honky tonk personality, but they don't realize how your voice fills a performance hall. maybe we should be thankful for this, because if the general public realized how amazing you are, we couldn't have gotten 5th row tickets for only $100 each. you are a musical gift.

how is it that i am lucky enough to know your music? my ma listened to you all my life, probably even while i was floating around in her womb. i was most likely born with a taste for your smoky mountain blues and fabulous wigs, and not just because i'm a big mo. it's in my blood.

if i could offer one tiny suggestion, i would advise you just to keep the racial comments to a minimum. when you were talking about your chinese imported wigs and said "you never can trust asian hair, so thick and coarse... and once you bleach it, who knows what it's gonna do," e and i looked at one another in shock.

we had a good laugh, as did all the other white people (and the one - really, i counted - one black person) in the audience. i genuinely think you're sweet and so funny, but i wouldn't want some uppity korean to take this the wrong way. you know how uptight they can be. (no offense to any readers, of course! my best friend is asian. just kidding, she's black. just kidding, she's a dirty irish. just kidding, they're not dirty. just kidding, everyone knows they are.)

at any rate, it was an amazing show. 2 hours of non-stop laughs and tears. just like the last time i saw you in concert, "i will always love you" brought tears to my eyes. you truly have a way with music. thank you for sharing that with me, and with the rest of the world. one day they'll all appreciate you.

very truly yours,

matthew

i wanna be, i'm gonna be...

i refuse to settle for something less than great
and if it takes a lifetime, then that's how long i'll wait
'cause all i want is everything, is that too much to ask?
have romance, love and passion; find magic that will last

and i want someone to think they'll die if they can't be with me
i want to be their joy, their pride,
their dreams, the very air they breathe
i want to wake up feeling loved and go to bed the same
yes, i want to be somebody's everything, somebody's everything
...
and i'm gonna be somebody's everything


big ups, it's dolly day!

proust says...

Like everybody who is not in love, he thought one chose the person to be loved after endless deliberations and on the basis of particular qualities or advantages.

can't get over this

bright eyes

taking inventory

yesterday i received a performance review by my clinical supervisor. i got all "excellent"s across the board. my supervisor told me, matter-of-factly, that she had tried to think of something i could have done better, so as to offer me suggestions and constructive criticism, but that she had failed. she said i was a fabulous intern, and i made the world a better place for fags and lezzies and trannies. well, okay, i added that second part myself. but she DID say that i was fabulous. and lesbians don't just throw that word around the way the boys do, so i think she really meant it.

continuing in the spirit of constructive criticism, i've decided to give myself a performance review. i should start off by saying that, thank Universe, my life is quite pleasant. things are going really well. that said, there is always room for improvement.

what's going well in my life:

1. my positive outlook
i still maintain that positive thinking is immeasurably powerful. in my life, this extends to positive music and uplifting mantras as well.

2. my new diet
given, today is only the second day, but it's still going great.
i'll admit that my soul cried when i ordered a lettuce wrap "unwich" at jimmy john's for lunch, but it turned out to be delicious. apparently, if you put 4 tablespoons of real mayonnaise on anything, it will taste like heaven. even vegetables.

3. preparing for the summer
listen dawg, it's all figured out. i bought my regalia (gayest word ever) for graduation, i paid all my bar prep program bills, i got my bar apps in on time (kinda.... $100 gets you an extension), and my summer trip is planned, y'all.

4. my romantic relationship
that's right, kids. i've taken a lover. or, as SJP would say, "a luvvah." too gay? sorry.

um, i guess all there is to say is that things are going well. i'm sublimely happy. boy seems to be happy. we have fun. i still laugh at his Borat impressions. who could possibly ask for more?

5. adventures in the gym
a few months ago i had a serious conversation with luke, my friend circle's token muscular gay, about branching out, trying new exercises, and experimenting. it's sometimes difficult for me to try a new technique, because i feel like people will watch me and judge my form. luke assured me that no one was watching me, because every buff hunk in the weight room of the gym is looking only at himself.

since that conversation, not only have i noted the proud stares and doting looks the gym hunks cast into the mirror at their own reflections, but i've overcome my anxiety about experimentation. and i feel good about it. i've even begun showering at the gym, though that's an entirely different discussion of overcoming anxiety.

what needs improvement:

1. my addiction to blogs
this one i've been trying for years to kick, and still i haven't made a dent in it, with the exception of during lent, at which time i abstained (almost) completely from the blogosphere. i will re-assert that i, myself, never accessed a celeblog. if others happened to be viewing such material on their monitors, i may have been prone to glancing in the general direction of -- YOU KNOW WHAT? i don't have to defend myself. eff you pigs!

but lately the blog viewing has gotten out of hand once again. how can i possibly study if there is the possibility that heidi and spencer were photographed in public for the 2038th time this month, and i might not have seen the latest pics? life is hard.

2. focusing on studying in general
again, life is hard. i'd rather do anything right now than study for monday's final. eff.

3. giving up beer
in the beginning of the night, i behave intelligently. i get seltzer in my drinks, rather than sugary tonic. i stick with fairly harmless vodka. then after a few of those, i get out of hand. first i order tonic, which is like sucking down an entire bottle of Sue Bee's honey.
next i'm ordering beer, because at 1 am, that's really all i want to drink, and because it's less likely to spill on the dance floor, unless i get it in a big mug and then drop it in the middle of the floor, like that time at sister's with E and T. mortifying. i can't even -- whatever.

4. teaching Atticus a little French
i feel so embarrassed sometimes by how un-cultured my only child is, so lately i've begun speaking french to him. only in small doses, because - let's be honest - my own command of the language is at about a three year old's level.
but when i say "bonjour le chat!" or "oooh, mon chat noir!" he barely responds. is it possible that Attipuss shares our nation's unwarranted disdain for the birthplace of champagne and croissant?

5. eating fruits & veggies
last week i ate a rotten banana just to prove cpg wrong, because she says i never finish the produce i buy before it goes bad. apparently frozen vegetables don't count?
cpg remains correct, despite my eating that banana, because it was so rotten that i spread it onto bread as if it were butter. and then i gagged it down. anything to prove a point. i mean, what? i didn't just admit that.
starting TODAY, i'm going to eat more fruit. well, no. that requires going to the grocery store. but i will eat more fruit-flavored trident, and when i finally make it to rittenhouse mark-up, i'll buy some fruit. and i may even eat it.


okay, that's enough criticism for now. i feel totally deflated. and you know, it's amazing that there's so much room for improvement, considering how flawless i undoubtedly appear to everyone who knows and/or encounters me.

what is wrong with you?

i'm sitting at my kitchen table, laptop open, working on an outline.

beside me on the floor, atticus is eating his meow mix, but not as a normal cat would do.

i watch him as he reaches his paw into the dish, grabs a handful of food, and pulls it out onto the floor. some of the food falls right beside the dish, while other chunks roll a few inches away. atticus eats only the food that falls right outside the bowl, leaving other food scattered within a foot of his dish.

thus ends the mystery of how and why cat food gets scattered throughout my apartment.

my cat is so crazy.