in my in my head

the more you see the less you know
the less you find out as you go
i knew much more then than i do now

neon heart day-glo eyes
a city lit by fireflies
they're advertising in the skies
for people like us

and i miss you when you're not around
i'm getting ready to leave the ground....

don't look before you laugh
look ugly in a photograph
flash bulbs purple irises
the camera can't see

i've seen you walk unafraid
i've seen you in the clothes you made
can you see the beauty inside of me?
what happened to the beauty i had inside of me?

...time
time won't leave me as i am
but time won't take the boy out of this man

oh you look so beautiful tonight
in the city of blinding lights

the more you know the less you feel
some pray for, others steal
blessings are not just for the ones who kneel... luckily

the entire spectrum

it wasn't so much a movie as it was an emotional experience.

in the past two hours and fifteen minutes, i think i experienced the full range of emotions i've felt in the past four and half years. and i don't think i'm the only one.

is that sad? that a film can be so manipulative/effective? or that there are so many emotions that one slight, blunt prod can almost burst the balloon like a pin prick, or at least tear the tiniest hole in it?


so as not to spoil it for anyone, i'll say only that it was fantastic. it was lovely.

bounce bounce bounce bounce

the first 10 seconds of migrate, on mariah's new album

best on the entire cd



JSYK

why i hate vegetables, installment #209

when i was young, i lived on a farm full of apple trees, pear trees, raspberry bushes, strawberry patches, and honeysuckle. i can't tell you how many millions of times i reached out my dirty little hand, grabbed one of those dirty little things and stuck it in my dirty little mouth. that's a lot of dirty. and never once did i get sick from pesticides or insects or anything else, if you exclude the diarrhea that little green apples always caused me and my childhood bff and original fag hag, bethie.

fast forward a couple decades, and all the veggies i reluctantly eat are grown in corporate fields and then packaged and, if i'm really lucky and feeling generous with my borrowed cash, has the lie "organic" somewhere on its wrapper. and now, all of a sudden, i'm not allowed to eat anything -- ANYTHING -- without first dousing it in cool water, boiling it 'til it's dead, and spraying it with expensive supermarket "Veggie Spray," which i'm sure you have seen in the produce aisle and which i'm pretty sure is nothing but water, poured into a windex bottle and sold for $5.99.

I HATE YOU, VEGETABLES!

no, actually, i hate the guilt. the horrible corporate guilt of it all, as if failure to wash my food before eating it will be the death of me and i'll have only myself to blame.

so today as i poured some lettuce (unwashed) from a bag onto my plate, sprinkled it with carrot chunks (unwashed, but some manufacturer found the time to cut them into crinkle-cut coins, so i would hope his lazy ass could spritz them with some agua before sealing the bag), and opened a pack of broccoli sprouts, i paused. "rinse thoroughly before eating," read the sprouts packaging. innnnteresting.

now i had a choice: i could wash these sprouts, at which time all the green (and, i assume, healthy) parts would fall off into my sink, and then try to shake the water from them, but inevitably i would fail to truly "dry" the sprouts. then i would put a pile of soggy, ruined, nutrient-ridden sprouts on top of my salad, only to wet everything else on my plate. OR i could risk e.coli or samo-- salma-- ... other diseases and enjoy the crisp, dry, antioxidant-packed sprouts on my salad. i chose the latter.

i want my lean beach body by august, and i don't care if it comes from healthy eating and exercise or if it is simply what's left of me after months of malaria, dengue fever, and food poisoning.

i still hate you, vegetables!

oh, i dunno... is that me?

i'm not a fan of horoscopes. the daily inbox kind are often either annoyingly pessimistic (you will encounter great resistance in your work today...) or so humorously vague that anyone could fit in (you are a person with strong feelings, and today some feeling may be stronger than others... unless the moon is in venus, in which case that feeling will be normal. and also you may or may not meet the love of your life soon, "soon" being a relative term...). to those types of silly horoscopes i say, no thank you!

but a friend of mine back in pittsburgh had a serious-looking astrology book -- you know, the kind with an engraving on the cover, some emblem that makes a good christian boy feel guilty for worshipping satan by even gazing upon the binding. and in this sacred wiccan text (presumably) there were no silly ann-landers-type daily horoscopes, but rather personality profiles based upon astrological sign. i will admit that these fascinated me.

i remember reading and being amazed at how on-point the profiles were -- not only for me, but also for several of my past and present lovers. how did the author choose various personality characteristics (read: flaws) and line them up precisely with my ex boyfriends' birthdays? amazing.

today a certain roommate of mine, who shall remain nameless, was online-stalking a certain cute person of the opposite sex, who shall also remain nameless, when she decided to check out his astrological profile. as she exclaimed about how on-point the profile was, i decided to take a look for myself.

sure, some of what it had to say was slightly vague, but a lot of the words hit close to home. it sure did sound like me. but, then, does anyone really know himself? maybe you can tell me what you think about my supposed personality. here's part of my profile:

Traditional Leo Traits

Generous and warmhearted
Creative and enthusiastic
Broad-minded and expansive
Faithful and loving

On the dark side....
Pompous and patronizing
Bossy and interfering
Dogmatic and intolerant


About Leos...

They are ambitious, courageous, dominant, strong willed, positive, independent, self-confident there is no such a word as doubt in their vocabularies, and they are self-controlled...
They are at their most effective when in a position of command, their personal magnetism and innate courtesy of mind bringing out the best of loyalty from subordinates.
They are uncomplicated, knowing exactly what they want and using all their energies, creativeness and resolution to get it, as well as being certain that they will get whatever they are after.
If Leos meet with set-backs they thrive on the adversity.

On the whole they are powers for good, for they are strongly idealistic, humane, and beneficent. They have powerful intelligence and are of a broad philosophical, sometimes religious, turn of mind. Those who are devout may become very obstinate in upholding traditional beliefs and will cling tenaciously, but with complete sincerity, to practices and doctrines which liberal thinkers regard as absurdly out-of-date.

Their faults can be as large in scale as their virtues, and an excessively negative Leonian can be one of the most unpleasant human beings imaginable, displaying extreme arrogance, autocratic pride, haughtiness, and excessive hastiness of temper... Self-centeredness, greed for flattery, boastfulness, and bombast, pomposity, snobbish superiority, and overbearing, and intolerant disdain of underlings; to whom they will nevertheless delegate the carrying out of minor details in their grandiose schemes, and from whom they are not above borrowing immoderately if an occasion necessitates it.

In his or her relations with others the Leo type is open, sincere, genuine and trusting. Outgoing, spontaneously warm hearted and plain spoken, though never lacking in kindliness, Leos are more disillusioned than the average if let down by those they trust. They are not good judges of character and are inclined to favoritism and an exaggerated faith in their followers which too often ends in disappointment.

LIKES
Speculative ventures
Lavish Living
Pageantry and Grandeur
Children
Drama

DISLIKES
Ordinary,Day to day living
Small minded people
Penny pinching
Mean-spiritedness

is that me? oh, well, i really couldn't say.
anyway, i don't really like to talk about myself.

what about your sign?

"these are hard times for dreamers."

amelie to a blind man on the street:

Let me help you. Step down. Here we go!
The drum major's widow! She's worn his coat since the day he died.
The horse's head has lost an ear!
That's the florist laughing. He has crinkly eyes.
In the bakery window, lollipops. Smell that! They're giving out melon slices! Sugarplum, ice cream!
We're passing the park butcher. Ham, 79 francs. Spareribs, 45!
Now the cheese shop. Picadors are 12.90. Cabecaus 23.50.
A baby's watching a dog that's watching the chickens.
Now we're at the kiosk by the metro.
I'll leave you here. Bye!


my favorite scene. magical.

father, forgive me

time for confession
and i'm not even catholic
but i need to get it off my chest

this afternoon
i had an iTunes downloading spree
only one artist, though
jesse mccartney


i know. i know. just... don't say anything to anyone, okay?


also, on a completely and totally and wholly unrelated note, i'm thinking of getting a video iPod so i can watch videos of jes-- um... of... oh, yeah, episodes of the office. like... while i'm not at home. or whatever.

maelstrom

the roller coaster is my life;
life is a fast, dizzying game;
life is a parchute jump;
it's taking chances, falling over and getting up again; it's mountaineering;
it's wanting to get to the very top of yourself and to feel angry and dissatisfied when you don't manage it.


coelho.
once minutos.

a blog a day keeps the doctor away

Blogging--It's Good for You

Self-medication may be the reason the blogosphere has taken off. Scientists (and writers) have long known about the therapeutic benefits of writing about personal experiences, thoughts and feelings. But besides serving as a stress-coping mechanism, expressive writing produces many physiological benefits... A study in the February issue of the Oncologist reports that cancer patients who engaged in expressive writing just before treatment felt markedly better, mentally and physically, as compared with patients who did not.

Scientists now hope to explore the neurological underpinnings at play, especially considering the explosion of blogs. According to Alice Flaherty, a neuroscientist at Harvard University and Massachusetts General Hospital, the placebo theory of suffering is one window through which to view blogging. As social creatures, humans have a range of pain-related behaviors, such as complaining, which acts as a “placebo for getting satisfied,” Flaherty says. Blogging about stressful experiences might work similarly.

Flaherty, who studies conditions such as hypergraphia (an uncontrollable urge to write) and writer’s block, also looks to disease models to explain the drive behind this mode of communication. For example, people with mania often talk too much. “We believe something in the brain’s limbic system is boosting their desire to communicate,” Flaherty explains. Located mainly in the midbrain, the limbic system controls our drives, whether they are related to food, sex, appetite, or problem solving. “You know that drives are involved [in blogging] because a lot of people do it compulsively,” Flaherty notes. Also, blogging might trigger dopamine release, similar to stimulants like music, running and looking at art...

Some hospitals have started hosting patient-authored blogs on their Web sites as clinicians begin to recognize the therapeutic value. Unlike a bedside journal, blogging offers the added benefit of receptive readers in similar situations, Morgan explains: “Individuals are connecting to one another and witnessing each other’s expressions—the basis for forming a community.”

maybe that explains this whole blog thing.

she's just bein' miley

compared to all the great things
that would take too long to write
i probably should mention
the 7 that i like

the 7 things i like about you
your hair, your eyes, your old levi's
and when we kiss, i'm hypnotized
you make me laugh, you make me cry
but i guess that's both i'll have to buy
your hand in mine
when we're intertwined everything's alright
i wanna be with the one i know
and the 7th thing i like the most that you do
you make me love you

what love should sound like

my new second favorite love song

the first time ever i saw your face
i thought the sun rose in your eyes
and the moon and stars were the gifts you gave
to the dark and the empty skies, my love
to the dark and the empty skies

the first time ever i kissed your mouth
and felt your heart beat close to mine
like the trembling heart of a captive bird
that was there at my command, my love
that was there at my command

and the first time ever i lay with you
i felt your heart so close to mine
and i knew our joy would fill the earth
and last till the end of time my love
it would last till the end of time my love

lovely.

paulo says...

There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control.


and there have been a lot of those moments in my life as of late. i have lost control. i can't catch my breath. i need to take a moment but don't have one to take. and it's lovely.

in a frenzy of change, i graduated law school, began studying for the bar, found a new apartment, threw a wild and crazy party (couldn't have done it without the help of my lovely friends), and -- wildest of all -- rearranged my breakfast nook. i know, right!? crazy.

the past week is a blur, but here's what i know for sure:

i am loved. and i love. i want to hug my awesome friends and squeeze each one of them until he or she drops dead from being loved too much, or suffocated in my soft, curly chest hair. haha just kidding... i trim that off. but for real: squeeze to death. love. suffocate.

*t makes the best pizza ever, and because it's made with fresh ingreeds and whole-wheat crust, it is a negative-calorie food. it actually burns more calories to eat and say "mmmmm" than are contained within the food item itself. win-win.

sitting on top of my refrigerator and within it are: 5 entire bottles of vodka, incl. 1 handle, 1 belvedere, 1 skyy, 2 smirnoff regular sizes. 1 bottle malibu, 2 unopened red wines, 1 huge bottle of white wine and approx. 40 beers. if you're reading this, stand up. walk to my house immediately. knock on my door. come in. have a drink. or five of them.

i am skilled at willful blindness, mostly regarding the future. as i sit on my futon in my sunny living room, feet propped up, atticus asleep on the chair beside me, i allow myself to forget about the million and one things i have to do next week, next month, before the bar, blah blah blah. some might say this is "living in the moment," or tapping into "the power of now." that's a little different, but i'm trying to get better at that, too. in little ways. by breathing deeply. by relaxing my propped-up legs and feeling my feet tingle a little. by paying attention to the sunlight getting brighter and then disappearing as a cloud must be passing overhead.

i can be moody. irrationally moody. and i occasionally need reminders, like A telling me, "matthew, all your friends are here and everything is great. what are you upset about?" or cpgb reminding me that i'm being negative and/or allowing my ego to get the best of me. thanks for the reminders, bitches.

i need to buy enough furniture to fill a big apartment, and i neither the funds nor the time to do it. i've been thinking about not decorating. not right away. usually when i move into a new place, i can't sleep for a day or two because i won't sit down until everything is in its place, unpacked, decorated, cleaned, and organized. maybe this time can be different. maybe i can live in an empty apartment until august, when i'll have time to shop, decorate thoughtfully, and max out my credit cards. fun.

i am still the luckiest.

but every time he smiles at me i know

the only single this sexy bitch has released in english.
lovely. sad, but lovely.


makes me wish i understood hebrew.

hugo says...

be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her
still she sings away all the same
knowing she has wings


.

when your eyes say it

atticus sensed that today was a big day. he sat on the sink and watched as i brushed my teeth, as i did my hurr, as i sighed repeatedly. he followed me around the apartment as i got dressed and gathered my books. then, when it was time to head off for my first day of school... well, actually by that point he was already asleep in my sock bin, which has become his new favorite place.

i think all the cute med residents (in their sexy scrubs, no less) heading over to HUP could sense it, too. not only from me, but because there were 7 of us on the bus, all clutching the same 20-pound outline book, all with the same slightly far away look in our eyes.

the name of the game is routine. that's not so hard, is it? wake up early, go to review, work through the afternoon, have dinner, go to bed. it's really no different from the average working man's daily life, except we're not like that everyman. we've been in school for 20+ years, and surprisingly we don't do well with the same strict routine every single day.

it's only for 2 months.

it'll be fine. it'll be great. i feel nothing.