So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

i have lived so many lives, but i'm not old

i decided to move. my other space was getting a little old, and too many people knew where i lived. some people i had decided to leave behind were difficult to get rid of, and besides -- a little change can always be good for us. so here i am!

however, i didn't want, simply for the sake of ease in moving, to throw away all the stuff i've accumulated over the years -- all the baggage i've been carrying around with me. not to sound arrogant, but my baggage is, to say the least, color-coded and quite stylish. why would i want to dispose of it?

so here i am, and this is simply my "hello" entry. a storage entry. my attic, if you will. i'll be decorating the rest of this new space over time. come visit whenever you like.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

every season has its rhythm

regardless of how many times i write out the word "rhythm," it always looks like it's misspelled. but my spellchecker tells me that it's correct. and that "spellchecker" is not a word. which i guess it would know, if anyone would.

at any rate, here's el songo del momento, as our hispanoparlante friends would say. me encanta.

all at once

there are certain people you just keep coming back to
she is right in front of you
you begin to wonder could you find a better one
compared to her now she's in question

and all at once the crowd begins to sing
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

maybe you want her, maybe you need her
maybe you started to compare to someone not there

looking for the right one you line up the world to find
where no questions cross your mind
but she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
much longer for you to sort it out

and all at once the crowd begins to sing
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

maybe you want her, maybe you need her
maybe you started to compare to someone not there
maybe you want it, maybe you need it
maybe it's all you're running from
perfection will not come

and all at once the crowd begins to sing
we'd never know what's wrong without the pain
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

maybe you want her, maybe you need her
maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
maybe you want it, maybe you need it
maybe it's all you're running from
perfection will not come

maybe you want her, maybe you need her
maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another another

big ups to the fray for this lovely ditty (i know, they're so whiny, but whatta 'ya do?), and here's hoping radio doesn't get a hold of this and play it to death, causing everyone in the country to effing hate it. you know, like what happened to this band's other songs. and that overplayed snow patrol song. and 'hey there delilah' (which my friend cass sings as 'hey there vag*na,' giving it a fun twist. try it! you'll like it: "hey there vag*na, what's it like in new york city?") and every one of alicia keys' songs (i predict it'll happen with her latest release, btw. in fact, when radio overplays her songs, they overplay them for years, for some reason. enjoy it while you can.)

p.s. my song of the moment totally should have been featured on tonight's episode of bros & hos. it would have been uber-appropriate for when kevin told scotty he broke up with that other guy and that he wants to try again. becase he likes it hard. er, that he's up for a challenging relationship; because sometimes the hardest thing is the right thing.

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Saturday, November 24, 2007

running into an ex at a bar

Maybe I'll share my life with somebody... maybe not.
But the truth is, when I think back on my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.

The real truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content. Because, then what?
I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun.
The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to.

What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it...

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Sunday, November 18, 2007

you stink, justin matisse!

bernice: at home we had a pet skunk. mama used to call it justin matisse. do you think that's just a coincidence? all day long she would scream, "you stink justin matisse!" then one day she just picked up a club and killed it.
justin matisse: now that's a sad story.
bernice: if you liked the skunk... which we didn't.

isn't it funny how, as we change, we can read a book or view a film differently than we initially experienced it? a movie you didn't even appreciate five years ago can take on new meaning. because you're in a different place. because you've experienced new hurts and joys. because you're a different person...

beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.
try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning.
just give hope a chance to float up.
and it will.

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Friday, November 16, 2007

"how can i answer that??"

the other day, in mid-90's dishwalla fashion (wait, do any of you remember dishwalla's hit song 'counting blue cars'? me neither!), one of my best friends on earth asked me, "tell me all your thoughts on god."

* * *
he wrote to me and asked:
i wanted to ask you what your thoughts on God were - the other day i was thinking about a little place in time where we were both kind of innocent and i was curious about what you believe about God these days. i've been wrestling more with these questions lately... these days, it seems like every other day i'm flirting with atheism... anyway, i just wanted your thoughts.

my first inclination was to say "buddy, i haven't figured that out yet" or "mr. hall, how can i answer that?", but then i re-read. and he didn't say, "tell me your beliefs" or "tell me your scientifically proven, or at the very least tested, hypotheses." my dear friend asked for my thoughts. and at just that moment, my buddy hemingway whispered into my ear, as he tends to do, "all you have to do is write one true sentence. write the truest sentence you know." and so i did. i wrote back:

* * *
such a difficult question should be answered only after a great deal of thought, soul-searching, and certainty in the matter. i have, over the past couple years, given your question quite a bit of the first two of those... and have still not come anywhere near the third.

so my answer to you should be, "i'm not sure..." but come on, you know me. i'll talk even if i have nothing to say.

and i'll answer your question as best i can even if i'm genuinely not sure about the answer -- or, rather, about the truth. because i am certain of my answer, and i will be 100% honest with you about what i believe and where i still come up short. therefore, i should say i'm genuinely not sure what the truth is, but i believe

*that there is a God. i will never be an atheist because i know there is something more than what we see and touch. there absolutely must be. i think you, too, feel this way.
*but i believe everyone experiences God in a different way and meets with God through different means and experiences. for some, it's meditation or chant. for some, it's ritual. for some it's music *winks at you* and for some it's simply love and giving of oneself to others.
*i believe that hindus and muslims and catholics and buddhists all believe in the same God. i really do. we all know that there's SOMETHING out there.
*i'm kind of becoming buddhist. (i know, right??) but i read buddhist teachings every single day. it's part of my morning ritual now, along with saying the prayer of jabez. sometimes the buddhist teachings/meditations seem crazy to me. but other times i stare at the words as if someone had just answered a question that i asked years ago but which the arrogant college professor couldn't answer.
*if i have to say something descriptive about God, i believe God is extremely - beyond comprehension - loving and understanding and good. i do not believe God is angry or wrathful, i truly do not, despite what we've been taught in our presbyterian churches with beautiful stained windows and vaulted ceilings and 45 minutes of guilt per serving.
*despite this abounding love, i believe that we are still responsible for ourselves, for our lives and for our futures. we attract into our lives what comes into our lives. we are independent and have free will, and we are the only ones to blame when it all goes bad. because our hearts have asked God for it. i don't mean our hearts are asking for horrible tragedies like hurricanes and tsunamis and britney shaving her head; BUT on the other hand, when i focus on and dread the inevitable demise of my romantic relationship, he eventually will hurt me. and when she focuses on sadness and depression, she soon sinks into a depression.
we receive what we call out to and what we hold onto. sometimes for the worse. hopefully for the better from now on.

now for the holes i'm still trying to fill:
*i don't know what to do with Jesus. i'm not sure who He was and how He fits into the whole grand scheme. it's clear where he fits into the "Christian" scheme, but what about the other 2.5 billion people on earth? how does He fit into their lives/rituals/legends/histories/beliefs/fears/hopes? i don't know if He had ALL the answers. i'm working on this one.
*i don't know how to react to the Church and the destruction that it is doing. i don't like that i've stopped going to church here in philadelphia, because i have always loved the ritual of it. it is calming and it centers me like few other things (one of which is vodka... just kidding! or am i?) but seriously, i feel healthy when i'm sitting before an altar. i feel grounded. i feel the smooth flow of energy from my mind through the pew..
that said, the Church as an organization is so exclusive (and not in the cool, "that vest was disgusting" way) and, i believe, is genuinely confused about the truth due to centuries of politics and decisions made by men who have polluted the truth and selectively incorporated what they, personally, humanly, fallibly, believed to be "good" for the people. who decided which books to include in the Bible? what if the answer to MY question is in one of the scrolls that was tossed aside so many centuries ago?

that will have to do for now, buddy.
so, i showed you mine. now you show me yours.

* * *
so... tell me all YOUR thoughts on God. i'd really like to hear them.

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Thursday, November 08, 2007

humming around my head

oh in a dream my father came to me
and made me swear that i'd keep what's sacred to me
and if i get the choice to live in his name
i'll pray my way through the rain singing, oh happy day

i don't mean to close the door but for the record my heart is sore
you blew through me like bullet holes
left stains on my sheets and stains on my soul
you left me broke down begging for change
had to catch a ride with a man who's deranged
he had your hands and my father's face
another Western vampire different time same place
i has dreams that brings me sadness
rain much deeper than a river
sorrow flow through me, tiny waves of shivers
corny movies make me reminisce
they break me down easy on this generic love sh*t
first kiss frog and princess

ima shake you off though
get up on that horse and
ride into the sunset
look back with no remorse...

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Sunday, November 04, 2007

seriously, there’s one a block away

$2,002.50 = the amount of sur-charges i've paid at bar ATMs this year.

$2,002.50 = the amount i would've saved had i just gone to the PNC ATM before going out.

it's actually less than a block from my apartment. but in the wrong direction.

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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

go ahead, make my day! my week, even!

in the historically optimistic yet culturally manipulative church tradition of turning evil pagan rituals into Christian holy days, i am taking some time this halloween, the darkest of all holidays, to give thanks for all the blessings in my life.

my friend oprah and i share the belief that expressing gratitude is an important and edifying practice that should occur daily. she's said many times on her show that she thinks everyone should keep a gratitude journal. then again, she also thinks everyone's wardrobe should naturally include a Burberry tweed trench coat, which retails for an affordable $1,495.00. now that's gratitude. *updates Christmas list*

with all this talk about gratitude, i can't help but wonder: why doesn't our society have a holiday dedicated specifically to giving thanks for all the blessings in our lives? because i think we should!! i propose that we should have a national holiday for just this purpose! and i'd call it Givingthanks Day!! but until such a holiday exists, this gratitude blog will have to suffice.

* * *

this Holyween i'm grateful for:

Candy-grams! i received two, and i didn't even send any! bwahaha!
"I don't send them, I just get them. So you better send me one, biotch. " (mean girls. obv.)
thanks, jamma! as soon as i got the "you've got a candy-gram waiting for you" e-mail, i thought it might be from you. you totally made my day. my week, even!

Please don't stop the music. after hearing this pulsating tune on the dance floor a hundred times and again last week in dr. ben's automovil, i wondered why i didn't have this song in my personal collection. i had to get over my annoyance with rihanna due to that effing umbrella song and just download this un-released gem.
since downloading it sunday night, i have listened to it 42 times. in 2.5 days. that's approximately 50 times per day, or something like that. i'm not good at math.
during periods of high stress and low energy (AKA this semester for me), it's music like this that keeps me moving. gets me out of bed. keeps me regular. what?

anniversaries. even if it's not my own ((someday)), i'm genuinely happy for the couple. for example, the g-parents of one of my friends just celebrated their 35-year anniversary, which is tooootally awesome. i want in on that action!! ...wait. that... i didn't mean it the way it sounded. i don't want in on their action. just... my own. you know?

gmail and gchat. oh, google, the only way i know to express my love for and appreciation of you is through the medium of song: how do i live without you, i want to know? how do i breathe without you, if you ever go? how do i ever, ever [e-mail or chat]? how do i..? oh, how do i live? ew, leeanne rhymes, your husband is a homo! then again, so is my friend _name redacted out of respect_'s husband, and she doesn't seem to mind or even notice.

last, but not least, today i'm thankful for
friends, both near and far i'm not sure what it is about the fall, but it's definitely a nostalgic and very emo time of year (see e.g. my "stings a little" post. friends-only).
i'm sad that i missed el sandorado's birthday celebration in new york. i just had sooo much going on that weekend. or was that the saturday i slept until 4 pm? i don't recall.
also, around halloween i always think back to the most fun halloween of my life, dancing with my fireman at sanctuary, that crazy church-turned-insane-nightclub in pittsburgh. where are you, firefighter? i miss you. (don't think i'm not keeping tabs - i know you're in south america. the facebook photos are v. cute. come home safely, and without malaria!!!)
i'm even thankful for friends who sleep in the room adjacent to mine. you light up my life and entertain me to no end. i <3 style="font-weight: bold;">

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

if God had a face, what would it look like?

and would you want to see, if seeing meant that you would have to believe..?

i've written before about it. i've probably talked to you about it in person. maybe i've even told you that you need to read it. and since i know you haven't done so yet, i'm going to share just one piece of it that i find beautiful. maybe you, too, will appreciate it -- even if you are one of those who claims to not believe. hehe. that's funny. but i'm not here to argue. that's another post entirely. i'm just here to share.

eat * pray * love


Faith is a way of saying, "Yes, I pre-accept the terms of the universe and I embrace in advance what I am presently incapable of understanding." There's a reason we refer to "leaps of faith"–because the decision to consent to any notion of divinity is a mighty jump from the rational over to the unknowable, and I don't care how diligently scholars of every religion will try to sit you down with their stacks of books and prove to you through scripture that their faith is indeed rational; it isn't. If faith were rational, it wouldn't be — by definition–faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity, it would just be … a prudent insurance policy.

I am not interested in the insurance industry. I'm tired of being a skeptic. I'm irritated by spiritual prudence and I feel bored and parched by empirical debate. I don't want to hear it anymore. I couldn't care less about evidence and proof and assurances. I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water.

. . .

religious ritual

This is what rituals are for. We do spiritual ceremonies as human beings in order to create a safe resting place for our most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don't have to haul those feelings around with us forever, weighing us down…And I do believe that if your culture or tradition doesn't have the specific ritual you're craving, then you are absolutely permitted to make up a ceremony of your own devising…If you bring the right earnestness to your ceremony, God will provide the grace. And that is why we need God.

So I stood up and did a handstand on my Guru's roof, to celebrate the notion of liberation. I felt the dusty tiles under my hands. I felt my own strength and balance…This kind of thing--a spontaneous handstand--isn't something [God] can do, but a human being can do it. We have hands; we can stand on them if we want to. That's our privilege. That's the joy of a mortal body. And that's why God needs us. Because God loves to feel things through our hands.

. . .


People universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, you strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.

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Friday, October 19, 2007


the trouble with love is, it can tear you up inside
make your heart believe a lie

and if i try to save him, my whole world could cave in
it just ain't right, and i don't know what he's after

and i know i let you have all the power
and i realize i'm never going to quit you over time
it's like i can't breathe
it's like i can't see anything
nothing but you

sometimes shattered, never open
nothing matters when you're broken
that was me whenever i was with you
always ending, always over
back and forth, up and down like a roller-coaster
i am breaking that habit

my heart can't possibly break
when it wasn't even whole to start with

what do you do when you look in the mirror
and staring at you is why he's not here

and i don't know, i could crash and burn
but maybe at the end of this road
i might catch a glimpse of me
so i won't worry about my timing
i want to get it right
no comparing, second-guessing
no, not this time

i would never wish bad things
but i don't wish you well...
never again will i love you

i don't want to be tough
and i don't want to be proud
but i don't need to be fixed
and i certainly don't need to be found
i'm not lost

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

love today

* * *
we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really.

how many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? perhaps four or five times more. perhaps not even that.

how many more times will you watch the full moon rise? perhaps twenty.

and yet it all seems limitless.

* * *

paul bowles. author.

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Friday, October 05, 2007

it stings a little

over three months, and i'm still sober. i feel good about the decision i made in june. honestly. and with that in mind, i feel safe admitting to you that i have never felt more single.

in the past i've spent longer periods of my life without a love interest, but this time it's different. i feel siiiinnnngggle. you know what i mean? well, i'm certain that some of you understand, because some of my friends are always single. i don't know how you do it. and i don't mean for this to depress you, because the truth is that you are such strong people, to get by on your own the way you do. i don't know if i have it in me. not that i'm completely pathetic -- like i said, i've been single for much longer periods of time. but this time it feels different.

i think the difference is that, in the past, even when i was single there was always someone lingering in the back of my head - or my heart - albeit, the same person for 4 years. and by "person" i really mean "mistake." but still, in the past that void was always filled, and when it was vacant, there was a runner-up whose memory or image could easily and temporarily be fitted into the space. again i should assure you that i write this with no regret. i'm just esplainin'.

and i'm not trying to be negative, and i'm not depressed. the truth is that i'm quite happy. really, y'all! i am! i'm just taking this opportunity to express my thoughts/feeling. yes, singular. although, now that i think of it, despite my happiness, i've had some depressing moments as of late.

like this morning on my daily commute: 'great escape' began playing on the m'ipod and it was a really good thing that every surface inside the train car had beveled plastic edges, or else i may just have cut myself. it's a great song, though, and i should thank patrick, who passed it along on the so-called "depresso" mix cd. for that matter, i should thank kelly, who put together a really wonderful mix cd and gave it to patrick, even though we all know he doesn't listen to that genre. in college he thought i was insane because i listened to john mayer and other bands that weren't the spice girls. (i jest. a little)

so there i was, listening to patrick watson's 'great escape,' sinking low - and so early in the morning! - thinking about the sadness of my life, from which i wish i could escape... but i quickly recovered by hitting shuffle. thank the lord for shuffle!!! and *poof* i was saved by trainwreck britney's GIMME MORE. and i danced the rest of the way to school. more or less.

back to what i was saying: my intention is not to be negative or to whine, but when you're alone the world does feel different. when your mind doesn't have anyone to drift off and think about, you're forced to look at what is around you. and sometimes it's ugly. especially in philadelphia. don't get me wrong, i love this city. it's my home. but lately it has been looking pretty ugly. a little more grey. a little more square. a little more stinky.

oh, that reminds me -- the other day on the train, a man with the worst B.O. i've smelled since italy was standing about 3 feet from me (i believe that we, as civilized humans, have an innate sense of who in the room has the B.O., so YES, i am absolutely certain it was that guy), and my eyes were stinging as if cpg were cutting onions in the kitchen. i almost got off a stop early. and walked. 5 entire blocks. that, my friends, would have been an act of desperation. it's partly my fault, though. i mean, my ophthalmologist told me to wear my glasses all the times. and if i had, the burn wouldn't have been so terrible.

i guess i should stop whining. i should enjoy this time alone. aallloooooone. i should get to know myself. yes, that's it! and all those other trite sayings to make single people feel better about themselves as well! and for my theme song, i choose the most obvious '80's self-empowerment anthem there ever was! sing it with me!

* * *

on the floors of tokyo
or down in london town to go, go
with the record selection
and the mirror's reflection
i'm dancing with myself

when there's no-one else in sight
in the crowded lonely night
well i wait so long
for my love vibration
and i'm dancing with myself

oh dancing with myself
oh dancing with myself
well there's nothing to lose
well there's nothing to prove
and i'll be dancing with myself

if i looked all over the world
and there's every type of girl
but your empty eyes
seem to pass me by
leave me dancing with myself

so let's sink another drink
'cause it'll give me time to think
if i had the chance
i'd ask the world to dance
and i'll be dancing with myself

oh dancing with myself
oh dancing with myself
well there's nothing to lose
and there's nothing to prove
i'll be dancing with myself

if i looked all over the world
and there's every type of girl
but your empty eyes
seem to pass me by
leave me dancing with myself

so let's sink another drink
'cause it'll give me time to think
if i had the chance
i'd ask the world to dance
and i'll be dancing with myself

oh dancing with myself
oh dancing with myself
if i had the chance
i'd ask the world to dance
if i had the chance
i'd ask the world to dance
if i had the chance
i'd ask the world to dance

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Saturday, September 29, 2007

in the deep

if you want to be given everything...

give everything up.

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Tuesday, September 25, 2007

a song for the lonely

well, it's not really a song. and it's not really for the lonely. and i'm not even into cher.
rather, it's for those of you who need to say good-bye to someone -- the person in your past who hurt you. the person you can't seem to let go of. maybe you're holding onto anger... but you're still holding on, aren't you? you should know that you're not alone. not by far. so this one's for you.

i'm currently reading eat * pray * love elizabeth gilbert's autobiographical tale about her post-divorce, post-depression sabbatical, and before i even finish it, i'm recommending it to you. i love it. cpg loved it, too. it's that fantastic. and you can be sure that i'll tell you all about it some other time.

but for now i have to share with you just this one section. i read it last night. it struck me. it kept me awake. it's self-explanatory. it's for you.

* * *

What I had wanted for so long was to have an actual conversation with my ex-husband, but this was obviously never going to happen. What I had been craving was a resolution, a peace summit, from which we could emerge with a united understanding of what had occurred in our marriage, and a mutual forgiveness for the ugliness of our divorce...

I climbed to the top of the tower... the sun was going down right now. The breeze was warm. I unfolded the piece of paper the plumber/poet had given me.
He had typed:

1. Life's metaphors are God's instructions.
2. You have just climbed up and above the roof. There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now, let go.
3. The day is ending. it's time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that was beautiful. Now, let go.
4. Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God's response. Let go, and watch the stars come out - on the outside and on the inside.
5. With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.
6. With all your heart, forgive him, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and let him go.
7. Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.
8. Watch the heat of the day pass into the cool night. Let go.
9. When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.
10. When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy.

... And then, to my surprise, still in meditation, I did an odd thing. I invited my ex-husband to please join me up here on this rooftop in India. I asked him if he would be kind enough to meet me up here for this farewell event. Then I waited until I felt him arrive. And he did arrive. His presence was suddenly absolute and tangible. I could practically smell him.
I said, "Hi, sweetie..."

* * *

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Sunday, September 23, 2007

big ups to my 5000 readers*

my blog is officially the most-read blog in the WORLD!!

well... okay, not really. not at all. but this is a landmark day. because at some point today, as i studied and drank coffee and generally scowled at anyone who looked like he or she was enjoying a sunny sunday afternoon of relaxation, my blog got its 5000th hit! and I DIDN'T EVEN WRITE ANYTHING TODAY! let alone anything interesting!

*note: by 5000 readers, i actually mean 5000 hits. for all i know, i have only 5 readers, and one of those readers is compulsively reading my blog and maybe even stalking me by hiding around the corner of the kimmel center and watching my every move. that... would be.... awesome. the sincerest form of flattery, as they say. ((dear lord, please let someone be stalking me. it's been a rough week.))

September 18, 2007 - Tuesday

black magic woman

it's no secret that i love my job. i've probably told you all a million times how great my office and my coworkers are. there are so many reasons why i look forward to going to work, but i'd like to tell you about one of them. her name is lois.

lois is seventy years old, but you wouldn't know it. you might guess that she's around 50. i swear she has some secret elixir in her spice pantry. lois spends her free time figuring out her daily lucky numbers, and then she plays the lottery. every. day. and i'm telling you (like jennifer hudson), at the end of the week, she has never lost any money. the woman just entertains me constantly. she likes to tell me the crazy things she did in the '70's. basically, lois is the highlight of my work day.

i sometimes worry that lois is crazy. well, not just sometimes -- often! but lately i've been wondering, maybe lois is onto something. maybe she knows something the rest of us don't...

like i said, sometimes i think she's just crazy. like when she told me that if someone on the subway asks me for a quarter, i better give it to him, because we don't know what Christ will look like when He returns -- to which i replied that i doubt the Son of God will return to earth and walk around philadelphia reeking of bottom-shelf, bankers' club gin. He would at least drink tanqueray, right?

anyway, i told her to her face that she's crazy, and she just laughed at me and said she may be -- which immediately makes me think that she's not insane. because crazies don't know they are crazy. (i'm reminded of the film proof, in which gwyneth tells her dad that if he were really crazy, he wouldn't be able to admit it. jake gyllenho was also in proof. mmmm. jake.) i'm throwing the word 'crazy' around so much i feel like gnarles barkley. but thinner. at any rate, i guess lois isn't crazy. in fact, she might be right about some things.

i really am beginning to think that lois is onto something - something we could all plug into. how do i explain this?

for instance, the other day she came into my office and told me i needed to go buy a light bulb. why? because a lamp went out in the reception area, and it was draining the boss's energy. she could hear it in his voice when he called in from court. he was upset. an important hearing wasn't going well. he needed all the energy he could get backing him, and the energy in his office was weak. she was completely serious.

i walked the two blocks to cvs. the truth is, i wanted to take a walk in the beautiful fall morning. besides, you can't argue with crazy. you know i tried!

lois changed the light bulb. and -- i promise you this -- within hours, good news came from the courthouse. i know you don't believe me, but i don't care. i don't front, ok?

i never liked to be called "religious," even when i was studying the Bible as part of my college education at Holier Than Thou University. i think it's a term that connotes self-righteousness and spiritual superficiality. but i am a believer - in a lot of things, really. i believe in daily prayer, whatever that means to you. i believe that mantras quiet the soul. i believe that positive thought is powerful, even if my roommate and i are slightly disgruntled about 'the secret.' (but we're still trying, oprah!)

i believe that, whatever it is, if it helps - do it. if it brings you peace. if it calms your anxiety. if it gives you hope. then believe. (unless we're talking about scientology. that's just bullsh*t.) and if changing a light bulb can send energy out to empower someone, then i will do just that.

lois inspires me. maybe i'll even give my spare change to a homeless person tomorrow. even if they smell like cheap gin. but not whiskey. oh, no. not again.

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September 16, 2007 - Sunday

rule of thumb

i bet you've heard it more than once. it's become almost a cliche. but these words hold such power. they comprise the simplest of statements but deliver a sophisticated punch of wisdom. for that reason, the phrase is worth repeating. in fact, it's worth reminding yourself time and again:

when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

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August 23, 2007 - Thursday

the truth about dogs and cats

last week a friend of mine told me that my catticus is poorly-behaved and arrogant. while i neither disagreed nor even bothered to feign surprise at this notion (because i know my puss better than anyone else does, and i realize he is... um... strong-willed), i began to ponder my kitty's attitude. i don't think i've done a terrible job of raising him or training him -- but then, i think the idea of training a feline is absurd. you simply cannot train cats. and here's why: because cats have no sense of shame. and that's what sets dogs and cats apart.

when i scold my puppy nephews, they pout and lie down quietly for a while, because they know they've done something wrong to deserve such discipline. on the other hand, if i attempt to discipline atticus in any way - be it by screaming at him or spanking him or pointing my finger - he reacts quite differently. often he tries to bite me. on a good day he hides under the futon, but only so that he can lie in wait until i walk by and he jumps out and attacks me. but never has he ever expressed any remorse for his bad behavior.

i grew up surrounded by cousins of all ages, but one of them was my age, and we did almost everything together, including getting into a lot of trouble from our parents. but when that parental wrath came, we reacted very differently. with as little as a stern look from an adult, my cousin would lower his head and begin pouting. he cried a lot. whereas i would fight back and argue. once i retaliated by packing a bag and running away for several whole hours, which i spent eating snacks and reading in the forest behind my house. another time, i hid the paddle my ma used to spank me and my brother (note: in the early 80's, paddling/spanking was still a technique used by some conservative parents and was generally not considered abusive, nor did it lead to overly masochistic fetishes in adulthood.... i swear..... i'm not into spanking. at all. i don't care what you heard.) years later, when we moved, that paddle was found covered in dust in a corner of the attic. job well-done.

thinking back to my un-discipline-able childhood self, i couldn't help but wonder: am i poorly-behaved and arrogant, like my cat? and if so, is that such a terrible thing?

maybe i chose atticus because he is strong-willed. maybe that's something i admire, something to which i am drawn. i am a leo.

maybe each of us is attracted to personalities like our own. and in the simplest of worlds, we would compare to either the defiant, autonomous feline or the loyal, submissive canine. we either have or lack that sense of shame. some of us think we're always right, no matter what. some of you will admit defeat and cooperate, no matter what.

but what's most important here, the true moral of this story is this: i just didn't feel like doing any more work until after lunch, so i thought i'd sit in the office and blog a bit. thanks for reading, bitches.

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August 13, 2007 - Monday

hand out the window, floating on air
Current mood: calm

just a flip of the wrist and i'm waving summer good-bye. time for lasts: last chance for a getaway, last weekends of last weeks, last trip to the beach, last year of school. as usual this time of year, i'm ready for what lies ahead. all things go. friday night felt like autumn. did you feel it? i wore a jacket, and as dominican and i walked home from our friendly neighborhood bier haus, it was actually chilly. and it was lovely. i hope you walked outside and felt the air. so long, so long summer.

but first, a bang. because that's how summer should go out. the summer has been fantastic thus far, or at least the second half has been. i forget the first half.

even law review cite checking couldn't keep me indoors this weekend. despite the work weighing on my mind, i felt in my soul that this was a weekend for meeting up with friends, for train rides, for leisure reading. the witch of portobello was fantastic. you've done it again, paulo coelho. just magical...

~i can see the storm approaching. like all storms, it brings destruction, but at the same time, it soaks the fields, and the wisdom of the heavens falls with the rain. like all storms, it will pass. the more violent it is, the more quickly it will pass. i have, thank God, learned to weather storms.~

where do we go from here? what is there to do but jump back into the maelstrom that is being twenty-five years old? and prioritize, of course. always make time for the important things: the dinners, the dancing, the relaxing moments in the park. it has always been about priorities. if you want something to happen, you will find the time to make it happen. or let it happen, as it were. my story was long, but i tried to explain that to you last week. the fact that i made it about myspace indicates that my reality has been warped by my being over-connected. speaking of which, i said i wasn't going to bring my laptop along home this week. a few days without e-mail or perez would be nice, i thought. then i caved and packed it. so addicted.

~does he love me?~ ~you're asking the wrong question. what you need to know is, are you in the position to give him the love he needs. and whatever happens or doesn't happen will be equally gratifying.~

time to sleep now. because here at home, we call it a night pretty early. plus tomorrow i have a little road trip. i already made mix cds. and pretty sweet mix cds at that.

as i bid you buona notte, i leave you with one last coelho quotation. just because.

~the truth is that with each step we take, we arrive. repeat that to yourself every morning: 'i've arrived.' that way you'll find it much easier to stay in touch with each second of your day.~

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July 30, 2007 - Monday

the way you make me feel

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday,
And I know that I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?
And in a wide sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize

And I know that I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you.

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife, she stayed for a couple of days and passed away
I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong...

That I know
That I am
The luckiest

* * *
dear ben folds, i appreciate you putting all that down in words. because you did, i don't have to. and that's good, because i'm really busy lately. oh, hey, call me sometime. we'll sit around writing lyrics. but none of that morbid stuff like you were writing back in the 90's. i'm not really into that. no offense or anything... anyway, talk to you soon. love, matthew

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July 27, 2007 - Friday

dirty hipsters....

it was the first day of law school - i remember it like it was yesterday. i was wearing flip flops, a green polo and my favorite summer jeans, which i've had since freshman year of college and which are currently performing two miracles: 1) they still fit my fat *ss, seven years later and 2) no matter how thin they are, they haven't yet fallen apart. anyway, what was i saying? oh yeah... it was the first day of school...

the professor split us up into small groups, and there she was in my group: the antithesis of me. big holes in her ears, tattoos covering her arm (and god knows what else), wearing worn-out vans and a logo tee that (i wasn't sure, but i thought it was a safe guess) bore some veiled reference to illicit drug use, and lugging around a big dirty messenger bag.

i had two questions: first, what was this person doing in law school, which i had envisioned to be a professional setting where students wore lacoste polos or j.crew button-downs (depending on the severity of the air conditioning) and cute slacks from banana? second, why was i placed in a small group with this grubby, tattooed bike-messenger-turned-law-student? her kind are already taking up all the good seats at the last drop -- now they're crowding my study group!?

little did i know that this crazy girl would become one of my favorite people in philadelphia, and two years later i would be so very sad to say good-bye as she moved back to the left coast, hipster heaven. i think i fell in friend-love with andrea at the end of that first, hellish week of school. we were standing outside at the first-year picnic when, in front of a group of strangers, she announced that i was her new gay boyfriend. sure, i was surprised at her sixth sense, an uncanny ability to spot a mo. because most people don't know. but i was also touched that someone so very different from me considered me so likeable, and so quickly. and the sentiment was mutual.

oh, the memories... the gallons of coffee we drank, the weekends of studying, the countless events andrea promised and failed to show up at... more imporantly, though, i owe this friend a big 'thank you' for opening my mind to new ideas, new culture, and new fashion choices. she was the one who encouraged me to buy my first pair of vans. she was the one who explained to me that the clothes hanger pin i found and stuck on my backpack wasn't a fun reference to mommy dearest - "NO WIRE HANGERS...EVER!!!" - but rather that it was a trinket of pro-abortion propaganda. silly me, walking around the city, unwittingly supporting choice...

isn't that the way with real friendship? anais nin said something along the lines of, 'each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive...' i have the quote on a card in my box of wonderful that mrs. sussman gave me years ago. (that makes you sound like my teacher, you know that? you're so... married.) friendship is expansive. friendship is having little in common with someone but enjoying his or her company nonetheless. friendship is disagreeing on almost everything but still discussing it. friendship is finding common ground, which was there all along, despite your not seeing it.

well, here's to friends... to those we see every day, to those who have moved away, to those from whom we've moved away, and to those who are about to come into our lives and expand our universe. be ready. be open. it'll be great.

with love to you, andy, and to all the rest of you as well. what would i do without you?

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July 18, 2007 - Wednesday

second verse, better than the first
Current mood: restless

we decided the other day that this summer isn't quite cutting it. that's right, WE did. i mean, this summer has had its moments of fun, but -- look -- for many of us, next summer at this time will be miserable. we'll be studying for the bar, we'll be stress-eating, maybe even stress-dating... so this summer has to be fantastic. the rest of this summer, rather. do you realize it's well past half over?

at any rate, the rest of summer must be FUNNER than the first half has been. who's with me?

i'm learning that fun isn't difficult to find, if you just get off your fat junk and seek it out. like the way cpg has become a happy hour scavenger! if there's a good happy hour, with drink specials and free hors d'oeuvres, she'll find it. and we'll be there. and maybe they won't all be as fabulous as today's happy hour at the prime rib (i actually had to come home from work and dress up MORE for it), but happy hour is like pizza - even bad happy hour is good happy hour. my top hora feliz pick of the summer, thus far? tavern 17. it's all about the sliders.

you know what else is fun? finally, after two years living in this city and going out in the gayborhood (for any oblivious hetero readers, that's the homo-ful section of the city, AKA washington square west), i finally found the remix (again, for you guys, you should know the gays love their remixes. they remix everything - even dance tracks already mixed for dancing) of neil diamond's "sweet caroline" (now i REALLY feel like i have some explaining to do, but if you were to go to tavern on camac [gay bar] on a friday night, you would hear this awesome remix, and everyone around you would sing along and literally laugh with enjoyment. maybe you have to be there...) so i finally found it, and it's one of my new running mix favorites. i'm even learning the lyrics, which have long eluded me, much like the lyrics of footloose. in the mood for a little diamond?

* * *
but now i look at the night
and it don't seem so lonely.
we fill it up with only two
and when i hurt
hurtin runs off my shoulders.
how can i hurt when i'm with you?
* * *

thanks, neil. that was great. but back to the fun... ooh, if you haven't seen harry potter yet, or twice, then i recommend you head on over to your friendly cinema de luxe and watch it. t recommended it to me, saying "it's the best one yet." and i second that emotion. i thought it was fantastic. that hermoine is so damn hot. she's like a female version of keira knightly. and don't even get me started on harry. am i right, ladies?

...too soon?

parties. let's have more parties. more parties all around! cpgb and atticus and i are planning one for mid-august to celebrate our joint birthdays (exactly one month apart). speaking of birthdays... i'm a week away from being half a century old. 25 years. old. 25. and what do i have to show for it? nothing more than a hot car, a mansion shared with all my friends, and a nice rack -- oh, wait, no. i was getting myself confused with 'the girls next door.' again.

slightly off topic, is nicole richie really pregnant? is that physically possible? can substance-abusing anorexics carry children? it seems so wrong. though i have to say, i think she'd be a very fun mom. she's got wit, which is more than i can say for that other blonde coke whore - what's her name? oh yeah - kirsten dunst. yeah, you thought i was going to say paris. but i hate kirsten more. waaay more. so even when she's completely irrelevant (always), i will find ways to bring up her name, and my hatred thereof, in conversation. or blogs. blog, i guess. singular.

oh, speaking of fun - ENTOURAGE - it's my world. i haven't yet finished season 2, but i started at the beginning, and i can tell you already that i am in for the long haul. yee-haw! this is quality tv. oh, wait --- it's not tv. it's HBO. i think ENTOURAGE is the antithesis of Sex and the City, but something about it has me (and the roommate) completley hooked.

that's all for now. i should be in bed.

what more do you want? the lyrics of footloose? even i can't help with that... just be content with neil diamond!

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July 6, 2007 - Friday

breaking up is easy to do
Current mood: optimistic

"what is going on?" my roommate asked the other day. "it seems like everyone is breaking up!" she's right, you know. she's right. in the past month, five couples in my friend-circles alone have called it quits. is it the summer heat?

another friend said to me yesterday, "breaking up basically just... sucks." now, i know that doesn't sound like much. but you should know that it came out of a straight guy's mouth. so it was actually pretty deep. it does "suck," doesn't it? and every one is unique. every end (or hiatus) has its quirks and charms, masked by heavy but ephemeral emotion.

one of my best friends ended a long-term relationship, and i know she's strugglin'. but she's honest enough with herself to admit that it probably isn't over for good. when you've been with someone for a couple years, it's difficult to just let go. and you don't have to if you're not ready, dearest. just make sure it's a healthy situation. (hint: it rarely is).

another good friend had a sort of friend break-up. what is a friend break-up, you ask? it's saying, "i don't think we're friend material, let alone dating material. let's see films with other people." like walking through a mine field. but i think my friend executed it gracefully. you gotta do what you gotta do.

come to think of it, i myself went through a break-up not too long ago -- on valentine's day, quite ironically. (though i bet if we polled enough people, we'd find that quite a few relationships stall out on the v-day hill, and it's not so surprising after all). but yes, it occurred on that most romantic of days, which made it just a little more emotional. fortunately, just as tears were welling up and the sadness settled in, my iTunes in the background began playing laura branigan's "how am i supposed to live without you?" immediately, glum faces begain laughing hysterically. a romantic comedy couldn't have been scripted with better timing. and as we laughed, i knew we'd be good friends. ((p.s. don't judge me for having laura on my laptop. you know you have some embarrassing ish on yours, too!))

as i go through these stories, it occurs to me that they're not sad. hm. well, what do you know? maybe that straight guy was wrong. maybe they don't suck so badly. in my favorite of all his plays, billy shakespeare wrote, "the course of true love never did run smooth." sometimes i think billy was onto something, but other times i disagree totally.

call me a romantic, but i think true love is effortless, like a petal falling from a flower (thanks, kelly). i think true love is silly and happy, like staying up all night quizzing one another from the english-spanish diccionario - or night sledding turned into snow wrestling and hugging - or finding a deserted parking lot to kiss in like innocent middle-schoolers. that's true love, and it was as smooth as smooth can be, shakespeare.

all this nostalgia reminds me, i enjoyed this year's hot, humid independence day in a cool and clean (well, somewhat clean - effing gum everywhere) movie theater watching EVENING, starring claire danes (AKA ugly crier), meryl streep (she was in it for only 2 minutes. booo), and the unknown but absurdly beautiful hugh dancy (i repeat: beautiful. only because i have the parenthetical thing going on here). at any rate, the reason my july 4th activities are relevant is that as the main character is dying (i didn't just give anything away, so don't freak out), she says to her daughters that there are no mistakes in life.

hmm.... if i had to sum up what i got from the movie, in a nutshell, i would tell you this: in the end, a lot of what has transpired won't matter. but it's still very important that a lot transpire while you live. capice?

life is for the living, as i've said for years. so enjoy your so-called mistakes, and enjoy your break-ups. it's all in good fun.

and when true love comes along, you'll know it. it will melt like ice cream and taste just as sweet.

mmmm ice cream...

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June 27, 2007 - Wednesday

buddha says...
Current mood: okay

i really need a moment of zen right now, or i might set something on fire. do you know that feeling?

let's take a moment and meditate on a few positive thoughts:

Live your life in happiness, even though those around you lead lives which are unhealthy, and wish to spread their illness to you. Be happiness itself. - Buddha

But if you do not find an intelligent companion, a wise and well-behaved person going the same way as yourself, then go on your way alone, like a king abandoning a conquered kingdom, or like a great elephant in the deep forest. - Buddha

thanks, buddha. i feel better now.

* * *

in other news, i love kelly's new album. and so does everybody else. they told me so. i think it is genuinely very good and very different (though you'll still taste a subtle hint of bitterness reminiscent of BREAKAWAY). if you're a downloader, i suggest you snag MAYBE and HOW I FEEL. they're my initial favorites.

i'm assuming you've already downloaded SOBER. oh, you didn't? well, then... do it. NOW.

how i feel


oh, another dead end - again
oh, I'm getting tired of believing
even sicker of pretending
that it's not so bad, just wait it out
oh, I think you're feeding me lies again
the only good man left wasn't him
and that's how I feel right now

bitter pill that I've swallowed
just how low can my heart sink
fairy tales from so long ago
save them for someone that's not smart enough to know

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June 21, 2007 - Thursday

sober, but rambling as if i weren't
Current mood: satisfied

she sang, "and i know it's never really over." but sometimes, kelly, it is over.whether you like it or not. and you just know it. sober after all these years.

my city.
tonight, as i sat at a table of people from the west coast, listening to them complain about philadelphia (of course they're entitled to their own opinions, and i love them despite their b*tching :-), i realized how much i love this city. this is my home. and with the exception of the last few months, these two years here have honestly been the happiest time of my life. for now, this is my city. anyone who doesn't like it should probably move. except you, andrea. and you, fejes. you kids should really consider staying.

the old college try.
what is failure? it's embarrassing, that's for sure. it's hard to admit failure when you've told people of your success, when you've built up an idea of the future based on success, when you wish you hadn't tried to begin with. but who would we be if we gave up without trying? (the first answer that comes to mind in this case is SMART, but that thinking won't get me anywhere.) we would be weak people. we would never get anywhere. sure, it's humiliating to fail. oh, and you had such high hopes. you convinced yourself that this time you would be successful. but trust me: you are a better person for having tried. maybe you were on a losing team, but you really did give it your all, and you took a lot of hits. get back in the game... on a different team this time.

speaking of humiliating... that was the first and the last time i drink too much, jump up on stage, and make a fool of myself in front of strangers. but the truth is.... the truth is, it was so fun. me and my best bud singing kelly clarkson and asking the MC for more fog. i love those nights when everything makes complete sense AT THE TIME.

i shaved atticus last night. not bald. not bare. not mr. bigglesworth. i shaved atticus's back and belly with a number 5 buzzer -- same length as his daddy's hair! as fur flew everywhere, atti behaved surprisingly well. i think he even enjoyed it a little. hopefully his shedding will slow down significantly.

going to visit patricio in 2 days. it's been so long -- 7 months!? that's ridiculous. don't let it happen again.

that's what i'm going to be when i have to wake up for work in 7 hours. i should be in bed.


p.s. danielle reminded me of the saddest and most (only?) memorable moment in the mexican...

"I have to ask you a question. It's a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?"


it's a nice thought, and i agree wholeheartedly - but only where the two people actually love each other.

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June 12, 2007 - Tuesday

Current mood: good

It has been brought to my attention recently that I haven't blogged in quite a while. We all go through slumps, you know? And some days I just have nothing to say -- well, that's not true. I always have something to say. I guess lately I've just been saying them out loud, rather than writing them on here.

So when someone reminded me that I haven't blogged recently, I popped on here to see what's happening. And despite my not having written a word for a month, I can see that people are still reading my blog. NO, i do NOT attribute that to utter boredom at summer job desks. Au contraire! To me, those blog hits mean that there's a need. A desire. A DEMAND for my product. So here I go again on my blog.

I wanted to catch you all up on my life, but the details as of late are too dirty, too nitty gritty, too real-life for you all to handle. So I decided to just do this survey that my buddy P posted. That'll catch you all up.


1. Do you still talk to the person you FIRST kissed?
NO, but I still get news from the ONE high school friend with whom I've maintained ties, and from what I've heard, that little girl I kissed in 5th grade is now a fat slut.

And speaking of high school, I'm going home this weekend for the first time since December! I'm excited to see my Ma, my grandma, and Cass (the ONE person from high school who I didn't want to see burned in a tragic late-night post-football game car crash).

2. Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
Well, that's tough. I think I've seen Danielle cry a few times in all these years, but I'm not sure I've seen Eric cry... OH WAIT. Yeah. That's right. There was that one time. And by "one time," I mean EVERY EFFING TIME HE WATCHES OPRAH. But the truth is *blushes* we cry together. That's why we're friends.

3. What kind of vitamins did you take as a kid?
Generic Flinstones, I think. My Ma was always a very thrifty shopper. (Read: we was po'.) We had fun cereals like Rice Cracklies and Honey Nut O's and Lucky Mallows.

4. What was the last food you ate?
Beanless Turkey Chili. What made it chili, I have no idea. Hm. Now that I think of that, I'm kind of p*ssed off. WHERE'S THE CHILI?!?! It was just TURKEY. RED TURKEY. SICK!

5. Did you get any compliments today?
The lovely receptionist in my office compliments me every single morning. Some days I'm really flattered, like when she asked, "Have you been lifting weights?" I blushed and told her my shirt was just tight. (It looked gooood though.)
And some mornings it's more of a commentary, like "Matthew, you look smart with your glasses on."
But she always makes me feel noticed. And that's what I really want: 55 year old women noticing me, and occasionally winking.

6. Did you ever go to court?
Hel-LO. I'm in court all the time. Depositions, mediations, hearings... The courtroom is my third home. Qdoba is the second.

7. Whats the fifth text message in your inbox say?
I absolutely do not have the energy to pick up my phone.

But I will take this opportunity to remind you all that I HATE TEXT MESSAGING. There are a very limited few instances in which receiving a text does not infuriate me and in which I might, if I'm in the best mood of my year, even respond. Those situations are
a) you're very drunk and want to tell me how you really feel
b) you absolutely cannot call, but you need to tell me where to meet you
c) you just deposited $50K into my IRA, because you feel like I deserve a treat
d) you are legally deaf

8. Are you friends with your neighbors?
Don't get me started on the neighbors. About 4 of mine go to Temple Law. They're nice enough, I GUESS.

Where's 9?

10. What languages do your parents speak?
Aw, that reminds me, Patrick, I'm really looking forward to hanging out next weekend. Let's go to the Bronx zoo! Oh, right, you did that without me. Hmmm. Still, totally looking forward to it!

11. What towns have you lived in?
Q: You know what I really hate about Philadelphia?
A: People from New Jersey.

12. What's the last piercing you got?
I was 20. Living in Costa Rica. It was before I knew my character. I took it out. END OF DISCUSSION!

14. Do you get distracted easily?
No. I'm not a half-wit.
(No offense to those of you whose doctors told you that you have ADD or ADHD in the ever-growing movement to over-medicate the youth of America in order to sell more prescription drugs.)

16. Do you get jealous easily?
I'm on my sixth consecutive listen of Kelly's new song, SOBER. I like it very much. So chill. I don't think she's ever actually had a drinking problem. (Eating, maybe.) I don't know what this song is really about.

I have a feeling that the alcoholism and sobriety alluded to in this song are actually metaphors for addiction to a person and the release of finally letting go and moving on. Wow. That came out of nowhere. But it actually makes sense, especially considering her ADDICTED song on her previous album, which was about being addicted to a person.

Now I love this song even more.

*three months, and i'm still standing here
three months, and i'm still breathing
three months, and i'm still remembering
three months, and i wake up*

18. Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?
Yes, but with girls involved. WASTE!

19. Have you ever toilet papered someone's house?
Remember how I said I wished almost everyone in my high school would die in a fiery auto accident? Those were the people who toilet-papered people's houses. In a way, I don't really wish they had died. In a way, I get my justice every time I go home and see another one of them working at the supermarket. Wait, does that make me sound like a bad person? Because it's true.

20. Have you ever had a crush on your brother or sister's friends?
Yes. My older brother had some very attractive buddies.

21. Have you ever gone to a beach?
No. I have never been to the beach. Heard about it? Sure. Dreamed about it? Every night! Been there? Never. Because I'm Amish. Stupid.

22. Have you ever had a stalker?
I think I have a stalker right now. You know who you are. *Putting on my new tie.*
Totally joking. 100%.

23. Do you remember your music teacher's name from elementary?
Oh my gosh. I should. I must. The woman loved me because I could sing back then. I sang WE THREE KINGS and RAINBOW CONNECTION in the 4th and 5th grade plays, respectively. I think her first name was Rose. Bless her soul.

24. How good is your eyesight?
I'm squinting to read this. My glasses are about 9 feet away on the counter.
*reaches, unsuccessfully*
*gives up*

Still squinting.

25. Have you ever gone to a party?
I can't keep answering questions like this. Patrick, I blame you.

26. Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
I'm on my 8th listen of SOBER.

27. What would you say if I told you I was in love with your brother?
I'd tell you, SORRY but he's dating a woman who is old enough to be his mother, and it seems as if they're pretty stable after all these years, which makes my Ma feel better, because you KNOW that weirded us all out when he began dating her.

28. Have you ever been out of the country?

29. Have you seen one of your best friends naked?
The boys, yes :-) The girls, no thank you. Well, then again, I have seen CPG almost completely naked, if not completely. And last week she accidentally saw my after I got out of the shower. DON"T TELL ANYONE! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! (or so she claims).

30. What's the best wedding you've been to?
Last summer, the wedding of my friends Ed and Danielle. It was a lovely, charming day :-) and I got some play. SLUT I know. I'm just such a romantic...

31. Would your parents be mad if you got arrested for fighting?
i'm a lover.

32. Where are your sibling(s)?
In their respective homes, having dinner, watching tv, playing video games (my brother acts like a 16 year old. what's with adult men playing video games? i think it's absolutely ridiculous).

34. What's the last dream you can remember?
I had a sexy dream about Morgan, who I haven't seen since before I moved to Philadelphia. But she did just post some fun photos on Facebook, and let's face it - she's hot - so I guess that's how it all happened. I'll talk to my therapist about it tomorrow.

35. Who was the last person who called you?

36. What time did you wake up this morning?
7:30. It hurts more and more every single day.

37. What are you doing this weekend?
Going home to Honey Grove! Visiting family! Going to a wedding in Johnstown! Doing all my laundry for free! Bringing my car back to Philly.

38. What does the 13th text message in your inbox say?
I... don't have... time.

39. What is the last item of clothing you bought?
Ties. Two of them. Returned one of them the next day. teehee...

40. When was the last time you were really sick?
This spring. For a few days. I blogged about it, unless that was a hallucination.

41. Who's the last celebrity you touched?
Unlike Lee, I didn't see 50 A-Listers last night at the Tony Awards. *gay*

42. What's in your back pocket?
I'm wearing running shorts. I like to pretend that I just got back from a run, but I've just been lounging on my couch.

43. Who is the last person you took a picture with?
CPG. It's my default photo right now. LOOK AT IT!

44. What is the last thing you drank?
Water. Before that? Diet coke this afternoon. Before that? Vodka with lunch. Kidding...?

45. Do you wear colored contacts?
I don't need *squints* contact lenses.

47. What were you doing at 4am this morning?
Probably getting up to use the loo without waking Atti, who was sleeping on my feet and who is currently sleeping on the coffee table beside my propped-up feet. I think he has a foot fetish. Or narcolepsy. Or both.

And on that note...

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May 6, 2007 - Sunday

Current mood: thoughtful's like crashing except you get to do it over and over again.

Your company... the pleasure of your company. I want your input on video rentals. I stand there for hours, I can't pick anything out. I want someone to say goodnight to, a last call of the day.
I don't have a last call of the day. Do you?

*You only took 2 puffs of your last one.
---That's cause I don't really smoke. Yeah, well, last year I started chewing the gum, you know? Because my friend, Donna, she was trying to quit smoking and she found that the gum was soothing to the nerves. So I started chewing it, then I got hooked on the gum and then I got TMJ from the chewing. So this is just to get me off the gum. I'm 10 days off the gum.
*Sounds like a good plan. Next week you'll be on heroin.

* * * *

If you haven't seen it, you should. I love it.
Happy summer.
The end.

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April 23, 2007 - Monday

ranting and raving
Current mood: energetic

je suis desole. i realize i haven't blogged for quite a while. i also realize that some of you HAVE been holding your breath...

it's finals time again, which means i have all the time in the world to blog, or at least it would seem that way looking over my past entries. the moment i'm expected to sit and focus on something, i come up with so many important things to blog about.

i'm probably just feeling blog-deprived, because once again i gave up celeblogs for the duration of finals. that's right - i'll have NO CLUE what is going on with britney's comeback, or whether nicole has actually kicked that little bucket, or anything of the sort (unless, of course, you TELL ME IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING!!!please). i just can't be spending (notice i didn't say "wasting") so much time on blogs this time of the semester. i can't be distracted. i just have to STUDY STUDY STUDY! nothing but study. focus focus focus.

so my new thing is craigslist. i'm obsessed with it. i spend hours a day just looking at people's ads. isn't it amazing what people are buying and selling and looking for and having sex with these days? well, i think so! i mean, anything you want or need - you can find it on craigslist.

well, sir, i'm in the market for entertainment, of which there is a hearty supply on craigslist. i have two favorite categories: *missed connections and *rants and raves.

missed connections are not a new obsession for me. for many moons i have read them religiously, and i am very proud to have found two listings on there about friends of mine. it's fun to call someone and say, "were you at starbucks on 12th last night? because this sounds just like you..." i was right both times. although some of them are painfully generic, i'm occasionally surprised how thoughtful people can be and what emotions a quick glance on the street can stir in a man's romantic little heart. one of my recent favorites read:

***i put something in your pocket. a name. a number. a request. i would love to go have a coffee or just meet up. if one doesn't try, one never knows what could be. i think you are beautiful.***

that's just lovely. and a little spooky, sure, but lovely nonetheless.

oh, but rants and raves are the real fun. ooohhhh yes they are. thousands of people every day have some thought, some criticism, some joke inside of them that they absolutely cannot hold in long enough to tell a real person - or, on a sadder note, maybe these people have no one real to tell - so they rant or rave on craigslist. some are funny. some are terribly pessimistic. many are posted with the obvious and seemingly sole purpose of stirring up dissent (which, if you're idealistic, you'd probably call discussion/ideas/dialogue).

today i read a great one. a man posted all the things he's "OVER" - a long list that included seafood, getting married, American Idol (who isn't?), his brother, the Mighty Mighty BossTones, and white women. his post made me laugh out loud. strangely, i agree with him on almost all of those. bless his heart, the guy just needs a blog.

i was going to come up with a list of rants, but i just decided to stay on the sunny side today, so here are my raves:
*warm afternoon in rittenhouse square with T - lying on a blanket
*qdoba. ohhhhhh qdoba, how i love thee. let me count the ways
*flip flops have officially replaced shoes!
*atticus, my furry little love
*new spring music (thanks P)
*birthday dancing at l'etage
*wearing sunglasses
*summer plans

what do YOU have to rant or rave about today?

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April 6, 2007 - Friday

oh happy day
Current mood: excited

hello and good friday to you all!

this is the season of good news, for more than just religious reasons, which are valid but will not be addressed in depth due to the rich, varied spiritual views of my readers, as well as my appreciation and respect for almost all beliefs (i say "almost" because i have a really hard time respecting ridiculous cults - like scientologists - and baptists.) on that note of respect and inclusion, i'll keep my holiday cheer to a minimum: yay Jesus! Hallelujah! that is all, thank you.

i have so many reasons to praise the Lord, but the one i'm most excited about right now...

and i am so delighted to share this with you...

because i've been waiting for it for two years...

two long years of waiting - hoping - praying

and finally the time is here

april 11th - less than one week from now

kelly clarkson will release the first single from her new album

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Friday, March 23, 2007

matthew's favorite things
Current mood: mischievous

YOU get a car! and YOU'RE getting a car!!! and YOU'RE GETTING A CAR!!!!!

okay, we all know i'm a lot like oprah, right? i mean, the poor, deep-southern upbringing, the continuing struggle with my weight, the rise to fame and global popularity, the deep yet effeminate voice... people have told me time and again that oprah and i are practically the same person.

so i thought, iiiiii should do a "favorite things" show, too! because, you know, people are genuinely curious about how we live, what we find interesting, how we spend our money...

needless to say, channel 6 wouldn't give me a time slot, so here i am! MyBlog!


first on the list because it pervades every part of my day. i think i would cut myself if i couldn't turn on my iPod and drown out the world for about 2 hours a day while i commute, work out, ignore people i don't want to talk to in the hallways, etc. so there are a few faves here:
1. Lily Allen
bless her heart, she's so cute and unassuming, and the profanity that spews forth from her sweet british tongue really lights up my day. you should download "littlest things" or "everything's just wonderful." i think if anyone could bring the word "twat" back, it's lily.
2. Keith Urban
even though we broke up a couple months ago (because i canNOT date an addict, no matter how sweetly he sings to me), i'm still pretty much obsessed with his music. i haven't gotten bored with his album Be Here in 8 months. that's true love. true love gone bad, but still true love
3. Fergie
okay, first of all, don't judge me. judge yourself. because you know you're feelin' her, too. and can i just say that whoever decided to take a chance on her and play russian roulette with the music industry deserves mad props.
fergie ferg's songs are catchy and fun (fantastic to work out/run to), and people are just eating it up! no one seems to care that the songs are over-produced and fergie spells out everything she sings. g-l-a-m... o-r-ou-s. furthermore, i believe it is a true testament to the open-mindedness and advancement of our society that a transsexual can sell so many millions of albums in the u.s.

i'm a re-reader, so i don't have a who lot of new material for you. in fact, i've got some old material:
A Moveable Feast
Hemingway wrote this when our grandparents were young, but it remains a readable and even relatable book. i think it's full of so much beauty and sensory titillation. as i read it, i'm suddenly strolling through the streets of paris. i'm writing my heart out in small cafes and praying my work pays off in the end. i'm taking the very little money i have in my nearing-poverty-level life and spending it on cheep wine, good beer, and countless books to read. oh, wait, that actually IS my life. but it was Hem's, too, so maybe that's why i relate to it.

paris is out. nicole is on the verge of death and getting thinner by the minute. britney lost her ish. so who's left?
1. Mary-Kate Olsen
2. Ashley Olsen
since these two are the same person, i'll just do them together. but not in that college boy fantasy sort of way, which probably doesn't happen anymore, since they've become ghostly pale and bobble-headed, but you know it was every dude's fantasy back when the twins were 15 and on some zany vacation-gone-awry in rome or egypt.
everyone has an eating disorder, but these girls are the best. because they stay just on the line, without overeating (like britney, whose purging eventually stopped working) or nicole (whose starvation has turned her into one-eyed willy from the goonies). the olsens know what it takes to stay alive: soy lattes. all the nutrition you could ever need, in a handy, portable white and green starbucks cup. poof! you're still alive!
i think these two have genuine potential for not only staying power but g-l-a-m.... o-r-ou-s power. they're going to rule the world. they just have to get through senior year of college first. BUM-BUMMM.

i don't actually haaaave tv, but i have my ways of keeping up with anything worth watching.
oh yes.... i have my ways....
1. Brothers & Sisters
if you haven't been watching this show, you are a total retard and will kick yourself when you realize how fantastic and engaging it is. i think it will be even better next season, but it is great now, too. i mean, sure, calista flockhart is getting a little thick, and there's only a moderate amount of boy-on-boy love scenes (often involving smith jarrod from sex and the city!), but it's still a fantastic premise, and sally field is in it. who doesn't love gidget?! i mean, right? it's GIDGET!
2. The Sarah Silverman Program
heaven. i'm in heaven when i watch this show. the season was short, but it may have been the highlight of my year. not christmas eve. not my new kitten. definitely not new years' eve. but sarah silverman was pretty much as good as it got. does that make me pathetic? maybe. but you're a whore.
so, as i was saying, even though i LOVE Brothers & Sisters, if both it and TSSP came out on dvd the same day and were the same price ($13.38 at target - and WHY does target do that with its prices? why not round it out with 99 cents like a normal store would?!?! i hate the world!), and i had only $13.38 remaining on my AmEx balance, i would buy TSSP. because it is so funny that anyone who has a heart condition or is carrying a fetus is advised not to watch it.

you knew this would be a category, considering my love/hate relationship with anything edible.
1. avocado
it's soft, it's buttery, it's spreadable. it's GOOD FAT! not all fat's bad! cpg has painstakingly taught me how to tell when this succulent little fruit is ripe and what to do with it when it is ripe. her advice: use 1/4 of the avocado to garnish a salad. i hear: make 4 pieces of toast, spread on avocado, salt heavily, and enjoy! wash down with vodka. be fat.
2. chocolate-covered macadamia nuts
you thought choco-covered almonds were as good as it got? well i submit that they are NOT! the much-appreciated caterers at last friday's barrister's ball bought wonderful desserts from philly's beloved Termini Bros. (located in s.philly but also conveniently stationed at reading terminal market!). one of those desserts was my number two food. best thing i've ever eaten. maybe.

of course for this one we all rely on blogs, normally celeblogs, but perez and pink have left me feeling empty and even slightly superficial as of late, so i found a NEW blog:
it's mostly gay-oriented, so if you're straight, don't even bother. they won't give you a password until you've PROVEN yourself. it's totally worth checking out, though. it's a little bit entertainment blog, it's a little bit talk soup, it's a little bit anderson cooper 360. i find the combination of politics and hollywood very fulfilling, like a salad that i feel good about eating but that, given all the dressing i just poured over it, is actually not so wholesome in the end. the photos of ricky martin in a speedo doing push-ups add to that feeling.
for all you heterosexuals who feel left out by my treatment of this favorite things category, well... i dunno... don't you have... like... natural reproduction websites to look at or something? maybe something having to do with taking for granted your civil rights? no judgment.

there isn't much more to say about this category beyond informing you that my absolute favorite word EVER, this week, is:

Jake Gyllenho
although we are no longer lovers, jake and i continue to be the best of friends - - and NOT in the way that tom craze and nicole "botox" kidman are "truly close friends who will always love one another. but actual, close friends.
...back to the point, i saw Zodiac. i liked it. i have no idea what to tell you was the point of the film. i don't know why it was made. it left a lot of questions and after 3 whole hours, had to be wrapped up by a few paragraphs of "updates" telling us where all the characters are NOW. you'd think that, after spending 3 hours in the same seat at the ritz, i might have some sort of closure about at least one character or storyline in the film. WRONG!!!!

1. Anyone who is NOT Kirsten D......
anyone who is NOT Kirsten Dunst.
sorry that took two tries, but i threw up half-way through saying it the first time. i know i used to call toni collette "fugmo," but that position on the cabinet of disturbingly ugly, don't-know-why-they're-actresses list has been overtaken by kirsten. she used to be kinda cute. i loved interview with the vampire. i even kinda liked bring it on. but since then, the fugly has been broughten on by the dunst.
and it's getting progressively worse. i think soon her job opportunities will be reduced to "gollum's sister" in the ABC Family spinoff of Lord of the Rings: The Teen Years and "disabled adult female #3" in a low-budget documentary about the effects of fetal alcohol syndrome.
2. Nicole Kidman
i know i called her "botox" above, but i did not mean that to have any negative connotation. in fact, there's such little stigma to cosmetic medicine these days that we would hold it against her if she DIDN'T buy a little botulism every now and again. and no matter what eric says, i think she is absolutely beautiful. i don't think it GETS much more beautiful. is that even possible? probably not. if she were any more beautiful, she would immediately break through to the ugly side, like a runaway 8-year-old tunneling his way to china. and once she arrived on the other side of pretty - namely, UGLY - she would look exactly. like. kirsten dunst.

YOU get a blog! and YOU get a blog and YOU get a blog!!!!!
join us tomorrow, when the cast of "Wild Hogs" flies in on travolta's huge, long, hard jet and all four actors pretend to be heterosexuals so that middle america will still buy their films on dvd!

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Sunday, March 11, 2007

"what's it like not to feel anything?"
Current mood: sleepy

* * *

let's say there was a little girl, and from the time she could understand, she was taught to fear... let's say she was taught to fear daylight.

she was taught that it was her enemy, that it would hurt her.

and then one sunny day, you ask her to go outside and play... and she won't.

you can't be angry at her, can you?

we are who we are. people don't change.

* * *
great expectations.
haven't watched it in so long that i almost forgot how much i love it. i almost forgot why it's one of my favorite movies. ever.

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Tuesday, February 27, 2007

the one you feed
Current mood: mellow

An old man is teaching his grandson about life.

"A fight is going on inside of me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves.
One wolf is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other wolf is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you--and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old man replied simply, "The one you feed."

from the book Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life - by Wendy Mass.
i haven't read it, but T has, and she shared this with me.
i am so glad she did.
and i wanted to share it with you.

thanks, T. *baci*

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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

paper cuts.
Current mood: inquisitive

and when it does, those cuts hurt. no matter how small or even invisible they are.

but what i want to know is, who are the people who write those long, redundant, sometimes-thematic myspace surveys that silly myspacers like me and you copy, paste, fill out, and post as bulletins?
please tell me if you know who is doing that.
someone has to know.

i know one thing: we've all heard countless admonitions and lifetime channel tales of the importance of loving yourself. oprah says it almost daily. so does everyone else. according to dr. robin smith (oprah's new favorite guest and dr. phil's replacement), "what self love means is that if i love myself, i'm able, i'm capable, i'm equipped with what it requires to love somebody else." even horse-mouthed closet-case sheryl crow is in on the act. she says, "loving yourself— i think that's so key and that's really what love is. it begins inside." who knew she was a philosopher.

the point is, we hear constantly of the need to love self before loving - in fact, before being capable of loving - another.

but what if that's not the problem? what if you love yourself... a lot? you're okay sleeping in bed alone. you enjoy being with yourself. you love yourself enough that it's ... well... enough. what bearing does that have on your relationships? you can't be accused of not loving yourself too much.

seems like a really appropriate time for an, "i couldn't help but wonder..."

more questions than answers, really. but i never said i had answers.

i do know 3 things, though:
1. i love my catticus
2. i'm ready for spring break (even though i'm not planning a fun vacation)
3. my new favorite food is avocado on toast

and i want to know 3 things from you:
1. why do paper cuts hurt so much?
2. who writes those silly myspace surveys?
3. who was the last person who texted you and why?

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Friday, February 02, 2007

can't hold me down
Current mood: relieved

date: february 2
weight: 149 lbs (*dancing in my chair)
calories: 560 (bad, since it's only 10 AM)
days of suffering now come to an end: 3


I'm sure most of you realized and were quite upset by my absence around these parts over the last few days. First, I would like to assure you that everything is all right, so please calm down. It's okay now. Second, I must say that no one was more upset by the past few days of myspace-less life than myself.

It all began Tuesday morning. I went through my normal AM routine: evacuate, take multivitamin, cuddle atty, check myspace. That's when the day got CRAZY. I tried to log in and NOTHING HAPPENED! I tried again and again and again. Worried that someone had pirated my password, I sent myspace a password request and, sure enough, I was using the correct e-mail and password. I was simply being denied access to my own space.

I felt impotent and out of control. I had been brutally rebuffed by the second or third biggest internet whore, out-used by only Google and Youtube these days. What was going on?

It took 3 days, two pleasant but firm e-mails to myspace customer service, and one ALL-CAPS, frantic e-mail to myspace customer service asking them to stop giving me the same instructions and "troubleshooting tips" over and over again as if I were an illegal immigrant struggling to find the Power button on my laptop. But we finally resolved the issue. Thanks, Myspace customer service! Sorry for the threats... hehe... I guess I got carried away... *uncomfortable smile*

This all seems so tedious and even a bit petty today, since last night I FINALLY was able to log onto Mydearsweetspace - EUREEKA! - but let me tell you: for 3 days, I was strugglin'.

Oh, hm, what else is going on?

Restaurant week = Fun! Twenty Manning. Good. Nice place for a date. School = Okay. Same old. New Job = Very good. I like it. All is well. And how are YOU today? I missed you guys...

Okay, my friend Erin showed me this and I thought it was hilarious and wonderful enough to post on the blizzog...

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Saturday, January 20, 2007

for your information
Current mood: hopeful

date: january 20
weight: 150 lbs (progress!)
calories: 1450 (v. good)
kitty scratches on body: 4 (i trimmed atticus's nails :)

"Times can blind us to certain truths and later generations can see that laws once thought necessary and proper in fact serve only to oppress."

marinate on* that for a minute. really. do it. those are the words of the u.s. supreme court, and i think they are some of the most poignant words i've ever read, especially in a homework assignment!

it's rare that homework has an emotional effect on a student, i assume. at least it is rare for me. but a it has occurred a few times: one or two tragic torts cases that brought tears to my eyes first year. a couple groundbreaking civil rights cases that have caused me to feel angry and even hurt by injustice in this world that barely even applies to me. and again this week.

my family law professor loves the gays. we've studied probably 10 cases in the past couple weeks in that class; i think 7 of them have been gay-related. seriously. and this week we read the big one: lawrence v. texas. this is the supreme court case that changed the world (at least in the minds of millions of men and women in this country) in 2003 when it declared to the u.s. that it is no longer acceptable to discriminate against gays. but it didn't stop there.

you see, less than 2 decades earlier, the supreme court held in a case (bowers v. hardwick) that two men don't have a right to have sex. there it was. written in stone, it seemed at the time. they may as well have slapped every gay person in the face while screaming, "your love is invalid." the first time i read that opinion, it hurt. a lot like the first time i read the supreme court case romer v. colorado. did you know that the state of colorado actually passed a constitutional amendment forbidding laws that protect homosexuals from discrimination? when i read that, i thought, "why? why would you prohibit protecting people? why would you purposely send the message that it is okay to discriminate against someone?"

the supreme court struck down that amendment in romer. and then it struck down its own decision in bowers when it decided lawrence v. texas. the court said, "bowers was not correct when it was decided, and it is not correct today. it ought not to remain binding precedent.... [it] should be and now is overruled." and just like that, i believe, the world changed. when the highest court in our nation admitted, "we were wrong," when they said, "we take it back," the world changed.

i'm going to repeat it, just for good measure: "Times can blind us to certain truths and later generations can see that laws once thought necessary and proper in fact serve only to oppress." every time i read this, i can't help but feel that some day, not TOO far into the future, we will look back in disbelief at the unjustified denial of rights to certain minorities. okay, that's all. i just had to share that with you. because some of you might not have know.

you may also not have known that today is dolly parton's birthday!!! it should be a national holiday, but it's NOT. ugh. facist state in which we live! IF YOU CAN EVEN CALL THIS LIVING! okay, truth: i don't even know what facist means, but it sounds like a fitting response to my having to sit in class when a national hero turns 61 (and most of her body parts turn anywhere between 10 and 25 years old, depending when she had the respective jobs done). at any rate, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOLLY!!!

i'm currently listening to the dolly tribute cd "just because i'm a woman" on which female vocalists including melissa ethridge, norah jones, joan osbourne, and even some non-lesbians like shania twain and emmylou harris sing dolly's songs. then again, who isn't singing dolly's songs? you're aware that dolly wrote most of the songs you know the words to, right? like collective soul's "heaven let your light shine down." just one example. one out of thousands. maybe millions. no, probably just thousands. or A thousand. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

okay, it's suddenly very late/early in the morning, and i should be sleeping. i'll leave you tonight/this morning with the lyrics to a wonderful dolly song, one of my new favorites that even borah jones couldn't ruin by singing it on this tribute cd. note: i found these lyrics on - SICK!!!!

The Grass is Blue

I've had to think up a way to survive
Since you said it's over
Told me good-bye
I just can't make it one day without you
Unless I pretend that the opposite's true
Rivers flow backwards
Valleys are high
Mountains are level
Truth is a lie
I'm perfectly fine
And I don't miss you
The sky is green
And the grass is blue

How much can a heart and a troubled mind take
Where is that fine line before it all breaks
Can one end their sorrow
Just cross over it
And into that realm of insanity's bliss

There's snow in the tropics
There's ice on the sun
It's hot in the Arctic
And crying is fun
And I'm happy now
And I'm glad we're through
And the sky is green
And the grass is blue

And the rivers flow backwards
And my tears are dry
Swans hate the water
And eagles can't fly
But I'm alright now
Now that I'm over you
And the sky is green
And the grass is blue
And I don't love you
And the grass is blue


*although used inconsistently with the literal meaning of marinate, this phrase is one of my new faves ever since t and i watched 'kissing jessica stein'. so i will use it. incorrect as it is. even though i'm normally against that sort of thing :-)

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Wednesday, January 10, 2007

"and just like that, i lost my head"

date: january 10
weight: 154 lbs (good)
calories: 1120 (v. good)
kitty scratches on body: 720 (better than last week)

how early does senility usually set in? because i think it has.

yesterday i sat down to do homework for my first civ pro class and realized that i simply hadn't bought the book. i bought books for all my other classes. just not this one. totally skipped my mind.
this morning i left home without my phone. just imagine all the calls i've missed today! my phone's just lying there, in my bedroom. still. just LYING there. ALONE! while i'm at school. for those of you who must have called me today, i apologize. i'll try to get back to all of you within the next couple weeks.

and the final straw came today, as i sat eating lunch. peaceful day. i was just relaxing with my sandwich (turkey, which i'm eating now. but not all meat. mostly because i didn't like the term "vegetarian." it's so 1994.) when an IM popped up on my screen. it basically consisted of:
melanie: where are you? i don't see you in class.
me: what are you talking about? i don't have class
melanie: yes you do! family law
me: *punches self in face for being a complete obliviot*

i told carey that i forgot i had class, and she wasn't the least bit surprised. she added "along with lights and water." i have this horrible habit of leaving home with all the lights on. worse yet, i walk away from the kitchen or bathroom and leave the water running, often full blast. i honestly do not hear it. some nights i lie in bed listening to water running, only to get up and walk into the bathroom to find that i left the faucet on. this isn't normal, is it?

i can't imagine what i'll forget next. i'll probably forget to feed atticus for a few weeks, or i'll lock carey in the refrigerator somehow. my great uncle started peeing in the living room when the alzheimer's set in. i'm scared that peeing on my futon could be my fate. does anyone know where to buy plastic furniture covers?

i should probably get them even if my senility doesn't progress, because atticus is destroying everything in the apartment. i've completely rearranged the furniture, packed away the rugs he was slowly tearing to shreds, and put all household and decorative items on top shelves and in closets. it will be another month before the vet will even consider declawing him. "he has to weigh four pounds," the vet said. i pleaded, "but don't you have mittens or tape or something i can put on his paws for now?" thirty percent of my body is covered in scratches. i'm afraid to tie my shoes for fear of an attack launched from a dark corner. if you have ever had a kitten (or, i guess, a baby with really long, sharp fingernails, or something) then you surely understand. atticus is like a cheetah, but with sharper claws. God love him.

speaking of pain, school is back in swing - and back with a vengeance. there's no easing into spring semester. no way. not for 2L's. first day of school: did you read those 80 pages assigned? second day of school: you have a presentation to give! third day: you should have already started outlining for the final exam. fourth day: i want to die. can it be summer already? or retirement? i'm already senile.

what else is new? um, the new year's diet - excuse me, LIFESTYLE CHANGE - is going really well. it's kind of a complicated regimen, but to sum it up for you: i'm hungry. all the time. and poof! i'm skinny by summer!

but seriously, i just have to break myself of old habits, like eating when i'm hungry. and consuming calories when i eat. today for dinner i had 2 pieces of trident WHITE and a diet soda. (calm down, i'm kidding! i wish i had that kind of will power.)

also, i'm really into 'sam's town' even though i don't really like the killers. hot fuss made my ears bleed. literally. that one time, there was blood. but my long lost love patrick sent me this cd, so i listened to it, and i like it.

but you know what i didn't like? little miss sunshine. will you explain to me what was so great about that movie? because i didn't get it. it's like an inside joke between 150 million people, and i'm left standing there, looking confused, asking, "what? what happened?" it's like that time in elementary school when someone put a note on my back -- it didn't say "kick me." rather, it said "smear the queer." looking back, i see that it was probably meant as a compliment. because that was a popular game. and they wanted me to play, too! i was a very popular 10 year old. i was friends with ALL the girls in my class.

okay, time for trial ad. the fun never ends around here.

by the way, what's new with YOU?

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