So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

watch it again. part II.

forgive me for being such a sappy girl (or a romantic, take your pick) but when a good commercial moves me, i have to share it. 

remember that Google commercial

well this is my new favorite.  i actually stop fast-forwarding my DVR'd tv when this comes on, and i watch it as intently as if it were a sweet chick flick.  i am sure you've seen it, but watch it again.  now.

rice says...

I quit being a Christian. I'm out. In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life. In the name of Christ, I quit Christianity and being a Christian. Amen.

 On July 29, 2010, devout Catholic Anne Rice publicly renounced her dedication to her religion, yet remaining committed to Christ:

It’s simply impossible for me to “belong” to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. For ten years, I’ve tried. I’ve failed. I’m an outsider. My conscience will allow nothing else.


Thursday, July 29, 2010

next to mine

Dear Brandon,

I love love love the new song, and I'm listening to it all the time.  And I love to watch you sing, as always...

Just one question: why do solo work if it's going to sound like just another Killers' song? 

Just curious.  I mean, so what? Who cares?  Of course I'll buy your solo album.

Love and light,


P.S.  I love Charlize.   Did you see Hancock?  I was surprised how good it was.  Anyway, TTYL.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

just five more minutes, ma.

like a teenager who can't seem to wake up for school, i had a tough time climbing out of the comfortable haze of my birthday celebration.  

not just one night, mind you, but the celebration lasted for about a week.  dinner dates, drinks with the boys, and a ridiculously fun outdoor cook-out the likes of which only a hipster without sweat glands could appreciate (but i tried really hard not to complain, despite the 108-degree real-feel temperature. no exagg.):

the week was a non-stop party, is what i'm trying to say.  

it was also my week off, in a sense, despite my technically having - um - many weeks off as of late.  but for the past week, i shunned my usual daily activities -- obsessively cleaning my house, walking to Whole Foods to buy fresh salad ingredients, going to the gym, and most of all, anxiously job hunting for 6 hours at a time -- in favor of walks in the sun, lying around reading a couple great books, and happy hour every day.  

then, after my actual birthday celebration, which was amazing and fun and made me feel like the luckiest boy in the world, i was physically unable to do anything for an entire day.  i was forced to take just one more day off.  finding myself in an unknown state between severe pain and temporary narcolepsy, i decided that it was best if i stayed in bed all day, with only short breaks for peeing and eating cupcakes (not simultaneously). i didn't want to see another glass of wine or bottle of vodka for a very long time week!

Monday morning i finally returned to my place at my desk and put in a long work day, and i did the same this morning, but i found myself thinking about how nice it is to escape for a little while.  

i think we often try to mentally escape, and not just for birthdays or other monumental events, but for whatever reason we can justify.  example: on Friday afternoons, don't you begin to phone it in after lunch? because it's almost the weekend, and the escape from work may as well begin a little early.

although it is so nice to escape occasionally, as part of my personal Happiness Project, i'm making an effort to enjoy daily life without needing to escape it.  even when life is filled with uncertainty, i want to take a moment to appreciate the walks in the sun and the occasional happy hour with the boys as if it were a mini vacation.  i'd like every day to feel as special -- if only for a few minutes -- as my birthday week felt. 

Monday, July 26, 2010

mayer says...

Even if you think the flame has died, there’s at least one lyric that’ll hit that last hot spot, and then you’ll find yourself as fucked as you were the day you lied and said you never wanted to see her again.

Friday, July 23, 2010

my afternoon smile

and by smile, i mean laugh out loud.

Catherine Tate never gets old.  it's about time i re-watch the DVDs.


emerson says...

To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded.

so in some small ways, i am a wild success.


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

an aging man's truth

well, kids, it's almost my birthday, and i'm not sure what to say.

i know you all look to me for advice and wisdom and golden nuggets of hope, but some days i don't have all the answers.  i know, i look like i do.  

because you rely on me, i will dig deep inside my heart and soul to offer up a life lesson.  give me just a minute.

well, all i can tell you after twenty-eight (28) years on this earth is this:  you never know.

you never know where you'll end up, or what you'll be doing and not doing, or whether your plans will pan out.  i can't say that, a year ago or five years ago, i would've expected to be here just wondering and trying daily to stomach uncertainty.  

twenty-seven year old Matthew knew exactly what he was doing, and he was usually smiling.  he had secured a good enough job before he graduated law school, had been quite successful at the education parts of life, and was confidently, if somewhat smugly, prepared to be just as successful at the next step.  of course he would be, he'd always gotten exactly what he wanted.  

twenty-three year old Matthew was even more confident, excited, hopeful.  he had just moved to a new city for a fresh start, was celebrating one last birthday with old friends before returning to his new home where he had only one friend, a curly-haired ginger who spoke of art and things that Matthew would never understand, but who was always there to have coffee with the lonely yet happy boy from the Midwest.

now at twenty-eight, i really don't know.  the toughest part is not that i'm not getting what i want, as i'm accustomed to doing.  more frustrating is that i no longer know what it is that i want.  it's getting hard to hope for something i can't name, but still i remain hopeful and thankful and i am usually smiling.

so there you have it, a gift of wisdom from an aging sage.  i know it's not much, but you asked, and i --- what?  you didn't ask? 

Sunday, July 18, 2010

quote of the week, thus far

Go have an ADVENTURE.  Good for you for rethinking your life -- I bet people don't always think that when you say you're not sure you want to be a lawyer anymore, but I do. I mean, who KNOWS.
Go have an adventure. 

-in an e-mail from an old friend who i haven't seen in years.  she always did inspire me.


Saturday, July 17, 2010

they just want

The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? "I Want to Hold Your Hand." The first single. It's effing brilliant, right?  That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four-hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand. 

Friday, July 16, 2010

soundtrack for life III

i've decided that this song, which i have listened to every day for the past couple months, has to be my official Birthday Week Anthem this year.  

this is a great mood song. 

Thursday, July 15, 2010

From Beginning to End

tonight at Philly's QFest, i saw one of the best films i've seen in a long time.  years, maybe, with only a few exceptions.  

i highly recommend it, but not to all of you.  it is one of the most novel love stories i've ever heard told, and it's not for the faint of heart.

"And why do you love me too?"

"I love you because... to understand our love, they'd need to turn the world upside down"


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

that means he likes you, part II

i'm going to go out on a limb and make another proclamation that many guys won't support -- won't want to support: men don't like to cuddle with you.

yeah.  i know, right? 

that sucks.  but they don't.  men aren't meant to serve as cuddlebuddies.  do you want to know why?

oh, well, because: we sweat, we like to move in our sleep, your heads are heavy, our arms are valuable, we like to retain feelings in our limbs, your hair tickles/itches, we hate when limbs feel like they're "asleep" especially when we're not yet (that feels like a slap in the face). 

so cuddling is not easy, nor is it enjoyable.  if it's post-orgasm*, it can feel like a chore.  if it's pre-orgasm, it can feel like an obligation.   but --- 

If he cuddles with you, if he holds you, for longer than the obligatory time period, that means he likes you.

it's not because he's comfortable.  i promise you, he's not.  if he's still holding you, he likes you.  he wants to be next to you.

guys are comfortable only when we're perfectly supported with strategically arranged blankets and impeccably situated pillows and precision-aimed fans.  no head has ever made our arms more comfortable than they were before you lay down.  no chin has ever made our chests more relaxed.  you grind your teeth and make noises in your sleep.  yeah, all of you.  

the thing is, that doesn't matter.  in the beginning, when it's fresh, when we're so happy to just be spending the night with you; none of that matters.  you can snuggle into whatever nook you prefer.  you can cuddle on whichever muscle best suits you.  you have free reign of this foreign body, as if you're a lion and it's your savannah.  why? because we want, at that moment, only your comfort.  your happiness.  

after the second or third date, if he's still holding onto you while you sleep, he seriously digs you.  belie'dat!

there's no more game involved -- he just wants to lie next to you.  yeah -- despite your morning breath or your sweat -- he is enjoying you so much.  he wants to be beside you.  i'm not saying this is a marriage proposal, so don't get too worked up; however, it is noteworthy.  he won't get a great night's sleep.  he wants to spend his early morning holding you despite the numbness in his arm.  he wants to make sure that you're comfortable even if your fat head is heavy on his chest.  that means he likes you.  

i know all this from experience.  i also know that it isn't always the gal who spends the night trying to cuddle onto her guy: sometimes it's the the guy who's the cuddler (in heterosexual terms, that is.  my roommate, a sexy female of the species, informs me).  

*i think that's the first time i've used the word "orgasm" in 4+ years of this blog.  oops.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

quote of the week, thus far

"Yeah, it does."

-my friend's response when i mentioned how great my skin looks today.  

some days you just need a compliment.  even if you have to give it to yourself.

Monday, July 12, 2010

hammarskjold says...

How long the road is. But how I've needed every turn of the road in order to learn what the road passes by.


Sunday, July 11, 2010

yeah, it's pretty much the best one i've ever taken.

what did i ever do without an iPhone?  my Blackberry took horrible pictures, so i didn't even bother.  now i snap photos of everything, sometimes inappropriately (of strangers' children -- that always makes me feel like a creep, but when they're doing something funny...!) or just awkwardly (taking photos of adult people who can see me doing it, last weekend at the Teabagger Rally outside Independence Hall -- those obese hicks are just too funny, as they scream about "Mexicans" needing to "speak English because they're in America!").  

but every now and then i snap a shot that makes me feel like the next Ansel Adams.  and i simply must share it with you because i am a Gift that must be shared, for fear of wasting that with which God has anointed me.

in other news, it's a rainy Saturday and i'm kinda bored.  

update: a reader responded with another lovely door.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

some people aren't so great at matchmaking

copied from Gchat, without permission:

Kimberly: btw
his older brother is totally available
for you
me:  is he gay?
Kimberly:  yeah and he's really hot
but he's in jail
me:  oh NICE
for how long?

he wasn't wearing a beret this time

in a horrifying turn of events, the other night i ran into Squealer at Target.

in a city as small as Philadelphia, this sort of thing is bound to happen once in a while, especially when discounted toothpaste and DVDs are involved.  but the run-in took me by surprise nonetheless.

i guess Squealer is eating these days, because i was meandering through Target's awesome grocery section when i hung a left around the corner out of one aisle, ready to swoop into the next aisle, and there he was.  right in front of me.  

i suppressed a yelp and a gag -- i didn't have time for such luxuries -- as i spun my cart back around to the right and hauled ass down the cereal aisle.  i made a bee line across the store and spent the next 20 minutes hyperventilating while checking out all the new Wii games.  i don't own a Wii.

needless to say, my shopping experience was ruined.  i found my roommate and told her that that person was somewhere in the store.  i was on edge until we were safely seated in the car, with all doors locked.  

this city is becoming littered with ghosts of dates past.  i gotta move.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

that means he likes you, part I

since i'm a huge fan of series, i'm starting yet another one on this blog.  i'm calling it, "that means he likes you."  i know that many of my readers happen to be single ladies (put your hands up!), and i also know that you could all use an encouraging male perspective every now and again.

am i a licensed relationship counselor? no, not yet.  but do i know men? yes. yes, i do.  

"HOW?" you ask. first and foremost, i am one.  second, i've dated hundreds -- maybe THOUSANDS! -- of men over the years, and i think i have a pretty good handle on how we all operate.  there are exceptions to every rule, but the rules are the rules for a reason.  moreover, stereotypes exist for a reason.  men are quite simple, really.  and i'm here to help.

one more thing: if you find yourself wondering if gay and straight men are similar enough that my perspective would be helpful/applicable, let me assure you that they are surprisingly similar.  i've listened to and sympathized with my girl friends' relationship woes and wins for a decade, and the experiences are basically the same.  like i said, men are quite simple.

without further ado, i offer you part I of the new series:

If he calls in late to work in order to sleep in and simply cuddle with you for a while longer, that means he likes you.

questions? comments? get at me.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

quote of the week, thus far


-Cassie, to me.  i know she means it when she e-mails me in ALL CAPS. love it.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

coelho says...

In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel. It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.

That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.

Friday, July 2, 2010

and now here you are, wanting to be happy

Construiste un mundo exacto de acabados tan perfectos,
cada cosa calculada en su espacio y a su tiempo.
Yo que soy un caos completo --
Las entradas, las salidas, los nombres y las medidas
no me caben en los sesos.

Y ahora estás aquí, queriendo ser feliz
cuando no te importó un pepino tu destino 

yeah that's right, i'm jamming to old-skool Shakira today.  from back when she still looked like una latina.  

 and this is one of my favoritos:

Thursday, July 1, 2010

rule for life #45

If you e-mail someone to ask what his or her e-mail address is, you're a retard.  Close up shop.

yes, this happened to me today.  
yes, my brain fell out of my skull in disbelief.

but to where?

I've got this energy beneath my feet, like something underground's gonna come up and carry me...