So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

fəɾ o̜ːl lɑŋ səin 2009

should old acquaintance be forgot,

and never brought to mind...

one year later, i sit listening to Auld Lang Syne on repeat. once again i wait at home alone for the night's party to begin. the calm before the storm. a time to reflect.

and surely you'll buy your pint cup

and surely i'll buy mine

and we'll take a cup o' kindness yet

for auld lang syne

i didn't make a to-do list in 2009, and i learned my lesson for it. the year passed by so quickly, and i'm not sure how many accomplishments i can tally. it was a year of settling in. it was a year of routine and work. it was a year of trying to focus and trying to find energy just to wade through the long days.

we two have run about the slopes

and picked the daisies fine

but we've wandered many a weary foot

since auld lang syne

a year ago i wondered if 2009 could possibly be as full of as much happiness, love, triumph, and celebration as 2008 brought with it. it wasn't.

it was... different. not just for me, either. it was a trying year for a lot of my friends and family.

and there's a hand my trusty friend

and give us a hand o' thine

and we'll take a right good will draught

for auld lang syne

the good thing is that 2009 has been a year of growth and change. i learned how to deal. i said good-bye a lot. i learned that i'm quite all right on my own. i kept my chin up.

i am absolutely certain that 2010 will be an amazing year full of happiness and new joys. and i think i'll appreciate it all the more thanks to what the past year has brought and what the past year has taken.

for auld lang syne, my dear

for auld lang syne

we'll take a cup of kindness yet

for auld lang syne

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

better in time?

One of the lies we always tell ourselves is that the pain will go away with time, that we'll get over it, that time heals all wounds, and it's not true. Every loss is forever raw, and we can feel it all again with just a thought or a reminder, like a Christmas phone call to the family. The older you get, the more of these moments of grief you accumulate, and they never leave you.

A.Sull. linked to an article about feeling sadness and lingering grief during the holiday season. i understand the sentiment, as my ma's mother died on Christmas - before i was born, but ma reminds us every single year that it's a sad time. debbie downer, right?

i appreciated the above portion of the original article not as it pertains to the holidays, but rather because it's true every day of the year.

time heals all wounds? false. time brings distractions and more immediate emotions.

the old wounds can be overlooked, the pain ignored. but in an instant - with the sound of a voice, the scent of a stranger's cologne in a corridor, or finding a photo you wish had been destroyed, rather than just filed away - a wound can be split open unexpectedly, reminding you what's inside and proving that time has but distracted you.

the flood of emotion leaves you feeling as if you've been set back months, years... if only for a few minutes, before something or someone else distracts you.

thank god for the distractions, especially - for many people, like my ma - during the holidays.

miller says...

The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware -- joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


here to remind you

as we close out 2009, i'd like to remind you of two of the greatest memes we got to enjoy this year, conveniently and brilliantly mashed together into this work of art:

this still makes me laugh. thanks, C.Bale's temper. thanks, David. thanks, painkillers.

christmas promise FAIL

last night i received the following e-mail message:

You have no follow through--I really was looking forward to this...and, yes, I am checking up on your performance over the last year...Christmas promise FAIL!

that's all she said. it's all she had to say.

and she's right, i broke my promise by gifting her only a serial killer book and some Twilight Saga chocolates. i didn't get her the A i promised. not even a hockeybortion.

maybe next year.

Monday, December 28, 2009

i hear that

let me start by saying that i do NOT hate the holidays.

but an article entitled "I Hate the Holidays!" caught my eye nonetheless, and i feel like sharing.

the author laments the worst aspects of this holiday season from the perspective of a single person. while i don't sympathize with most of her complaints, number 6 touched a little too close to home.

i won't go into my own complaints about this holiday season - of which i've had few, by the way! - but rather, i'll let the author speak for me and the many other single people looking for a special kiss to ring in 2010, and to ring in every other evening of the year, for that matter.

here's to 2010! and to guaranteed kisses, however long i must wait for them.

rule for life #720

here's a rule i wish the partners at my firm would obey: when you want something to be done, don't say "let's file a motion to ___" or "let's get in touch with ___."

you and i both know that YOU'RE not going to be doing any part of the task, so cut out the "let's," okay?

say what you really mean: DO IT. thanks.

in the city...

to do list


i want to go to Paris.



Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

like one moment

“Do you ever have those moments in life where everything’s okay? You know what I mean? Just for like one moment, everything is great.”

reality bites

Monday, December 21, 2009

text monster

Text from D: How's your weekend going?
Text from Me: Fine. So lazy. Just watching movies all day, haven't left the couch since 2.
Text from D: Then why didn't you answer when I called?
Text from Me: I was watching Intervention. And I wasn't in the mood to chat.

[two hours later]

Text from Me: What r u doing? I tried to call you.
Text from D: I wasn't in the mood to chat.

people, this is why i was averse to texting for the longest time. because once i get comfortable communicating through text, i no longer want to talk on the telephone. and it's hurting the people i love.

also, some of the people i love need an attitude adjustment. sassy.

don't go back

He misses you? Good. He should. You’re sexy, pretty, fun, outgoing and fun to be around. Guys that haven’t met you yet -- miss you.
But don’t get back together with him, because somewhere out there, there is a guy searching really hard for you. He’s the one who deserves someone as amazing as you, so wait for him. Give yourself to him and don’t go back to the asshole who left you.

it was a lazy weekend, and somehow i ended up watching that stupid chick flick again. maybe it's growing on me a little. like a rash. or ear hair.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

dust of snow

the way a crow
shook down on me
the dust of snow
from a hemlock tree

has given my heart
a change of mood
and saved some part
of a day i had rued.


Friday, December 18, 2009

soundtrack for life III

camus says...

In the depths of winter, I discovered in myself an invincible summer.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

new kid on the blog

in case you didn't notice, i added a new favorite blog to my daily blogroll over there --->

my friend, former law school classmate, and birthday twin Colleen is a fun blogger and a great writer. she writes a lot about life in Manhattan, the joys of being a stay-at-home housewife, and her pet peeves, which are often grammar- or language-related. *sigh* a blogger after my own heart.

check out Collology when you get a chance.

that's all.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

c.s. lewis says...

Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea... until they have something to forgive.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

ever expanding

as we grow older, we expand in so many different ways.

we grow physically, of course. we become larger, taller. we men become bulkier and sturdier (well, most of us do).

and our worlds constantly expand as well. new friends, new places, new favorites, new adventures. i think this is a necessary part of maturation and personal evolution. "enlarge my territory," i phrase it in one of my mantras. i've been repeating the same mantra off and on since freshman year of college, and to this day it is faithfully answered when i focus on it.

with time and effort and a sense of investment, our friendships become more sturdy, more reliable. the less are weeded out from the more worthwhile. our social circles grow and encompass, and often they stretch a bit to include some great people who otherwise might seem like outliers.

lately my territory has been enlarging quite a bit. my world has been expanding through the help of new friends and acquaintances, new experiences and adventures. let's just say i've been doing a lot of "social networking" recently. it's the part-time job of every single man.

my recent social expansion has taken me to some unexpected places. after years of joking about Fishtown hipsters (for you New Yorkers, i'll point out that Philly's Fishtown is like NY's Williambsburg: it's inconvenient, hard to get to, none of the mainstream bars are located there, and of course it's full of dirty hipsters... but it has the potential for so much fun, it's usually worth the trip), i've recently begun hanging out in Fishtown and other areas of too-far-north Philadelphia.

for me, hanging out in a hipster neighborhood in Philly is like traveling to the UK. i speak the language, but i don't fit in. the beers are all brewed locally but are completely foreign to me, and you'll get the side eye for asking for anything "light." the pants are all so much tighter than mine, even though i'm gay and wear some pretty tight jeans. no one wears button-down shirts. ever. unless they're genuine flannel. which makes me feel awkward, since button-downs have become a staple of my wardrobe these days. finally -- well, no. don't get me started on deodorant.

in the end, i feel out of place. slightly insecure. the strange thing is that there was a time, long before i ever found myself unexpectedly hanging out in the Northern Liberties, that i would've fit in and felt comfortable there. during my early 20's there were a few chameleon years when i would've worn anything and felt comfortable. i was skinny and self-confident enough - cocky, even - to feel good in any situation with any number of new people.

then i became a lawyer. i gained weight like a 30-year old man. i became set in my ways and resistant to anything outside my comfort zone. i became borderline uncool (please, just humor me with the "borderline"). i started wearing "slacks" every day, leaving my collection of favorite jeans sitting alone and emotionally wounded in my closet. i have more ties than i have pairs of casual shoes. what happened to me?

but that's a discussion for another time...

regardless of where life has led thus far, we all need to keep evolving, keep expanding, keep enlarging our territory, if you will. which reminds me of a deeply philosophical discussion i had with my bff when we recently attended a high school friend's wedding:

me: "Wow, she really hasn't changed since she was 19. That's sad..."

bff: "Is it? Or is it good, that she's still the same person?"

me: "No, that's not good. We're supposed to change, to have new ideas, and to evolve as we get older."

bff: "I guess you're right. If I hold my glass under the table, can you pour some vodka into it?"

me: "Sure. But the flask is almost empty. Can you re-fill in the car?"

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

remember when

remember when we first met

and everything was still a bet in love's game

you would call, i'd call you back
and then i'd leave a message on your answering machine


god is awake

Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.


Tuesday, December 8, 2009


i forgot to check postsecret until last night.

it was a hectic weekend.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

don't sleep... i know what you're thinking.

i love sleep.

i know you know that, because i've said it time and time again on this blog. sleep is one of my favorite things. i once feng shui'd my room so as to sleep better. i whine like a girlchild when i don't get enough, and i require a lot of it. my nightcaps help. sometimes it hurts to get up because i enjoy sleep so much.

hemingway said it best when he wrote, "I love sleep. My life tends to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"

given my love for, and apparent fixation on, sleep, you might be surprised to hear that i'm trying not to do it as much anymore.

for the past week, i've been staying up much later than usual. shaunice might think it's because i enjoy spending the evenings with her, having a glass of wine and watching Chelsea Lately when it's actually on, rather than a day late. and i do enjoy all those things. but that's not why i'm staying up until midnight or after.

it began accidentally. last week, as i geared up for the approaching holiday, i stayed busy and just forgot to go to bed at my usual 9:30 or 10. it surprised me to find that, the days after staying up later, i felt just fine. in fact, i might have even had more energy.

sunday night my experiment began. it continued all week long. now, on thursday, i look back at a week full of energy and productivity -- not only at work, but also in the evenings. i've had no trouble getting out of bed any morning this week. i haven't found myself on the verge of dozing off at my desk. i feel great.

could getting fewer hours of sleep actually give me more energy and leave me feeling better rested?

seems so. maybe i don't need 10 hours of sleep per night after all. who knew??

okay, maybe you knew. i have plenty of friends who sleep only 5 or 6 hours per night. i once thought this a dangerous, terribly unhealthy lifestyle, despite reading various reports over the years about personal sleep needs being different for everyone.

i'm not yet sure what my perfect number of hours is, but i'm working on that. and i'm feeling great. JSYK.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

rule for life #238

Love knows no virtue, no merit; it loves and forgives and tolerates everything because it must. We are not guided by reason.
-Leopold von Sacher-Masoch

one of the most true and most unfortunate things i've ever read. you can't choose who you love, and what's worse -- you can't choose to stop feeling something for someone despite dozens of reasons why you shouldn't feel that for that person.

no news there, i guess. i just like how that other guy said it.