So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

krakauer says...

So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.


post(ing) secret(s)

my secret is that i don't judge this person or think that he/she is a bad person; in fact, i recently said something to this effect to a friend.  

of course i don't wish devastation or destruction on any specific peoples, but -- geesh, it's getting pretty crowded around here.  and hot...

does that make me a bad person? 

Thursday, October 27, 2011

jobs says...

You tend to get told that the world is the way it is, but life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: and that is that everything around you that you call life was made up by people no smarter than you. Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again.


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

idle autumn morning

Tuesday morning.  the house is silent.  i'm posting to say that i'm having a great week and that i feel lucky to have great friends like T, who came to visit last night (and brought me Tina Fey's "Bossypants" on audiobook [!!!]) and who is still sleeping like a lazy kitten, at 10:45 AM...

last night we made mulled cider with rum and watched a truly terrifying film that gave me nightmares as a child and that i still found disturbing while re-watching as a 29 year old man.  Return to Oz.  so.  scary.

if you haven't seen it, i recommend that you watch it between now and Halloween.  'tis the season.  

it's pretty dark, compared to The Wizard of Oz.  basically, Dorothy ends up in a mental institution for some electro-shock therapy (because she's a lesbian, i assume, and that really is what they did to gays back then); she escapes; she flies to Oz, which has been decimated beyond recognition since her previous, sparkly visit.  some old bitch with interchangeable heads captures Dorothy and wants to steal her youth (kind of like the film Hocus Pocus, and Madonna).  then a lot of other scary stuff happens, but i don't remember because i fell asleep last night halfway through the movie.  oops! my bad...

i blame the rum, but also i woke up at 4:30 yesterday morning after foolishly staying awake until after midnight.

in other news, today i'm test-driving a new car -- that is, if my guest ever gets out of bed.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

in re: double dates

tonight the doctor and i are going on a double dinner date with my roommate and her lover.  reservations are made, and i'm excited for The Brewer's Art (which, i found out on Friday night, you can't just walk into and have dinner, unless you're willing to wait for more than two hours for a table). maybe i'll write a review about it -- though since i only have a couple Baltimore readers, that might be a waste of time. 

in honor of the occasion, i looked up an old post i wrote about double dating.  yeah, that's right.  i have nothing original to share here, so i'm recycling old thoughts.  wanna fight about it?

in other news, it has been a beautiful, autumnally perfect weekend in Baltimore, and my favorite guy, Bryce, came for a short but fun visit.  all is right in the world.

post(ing) secret(s)

Saturday, October 22, 2011

palahniuk says...

That's the best revenge of all: happiness.  Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good f*cking life.


Sunday, October 16, 2011

Friday, October 14, 2011

to go out or not to go out?

there's a topic that i've been discussing with friends and acquaintances for the past few days, and i want to know what my blog buddies think about it: going out with the person with whom you're going out.  in other, more sensical words, is it weird to go out drinking with your boyfriend/girlfriend/person who you're dating?

obviously it's normal to go out to dinner and drinks with the object of your affection; that's just a date.  but some people think that it's very strange, almost inappropriate, to go out drinking and/or dancing with that person.  what do you think? 

i started thinking about this last week when D asked me, "Do you think [the doctor] will ever come out drinking with us?"  

"I'm not sure.  Probably," i guessed, considering that the dance floor is where we first met.  then again, a dance floor isn't the place for the get-to-know-you romance involved in courtship.  for most of us, the bar is where we socialize, catch up with friends, and drink away the week's problems.  for some people, the dance floor is a place for sluttiness and for others, friendliness.  but it's certainly not the place for quality time with someone you care about.  

unless, as D and i decided, you're with a group of friends.  a group, by the way, has to be more than three people.  i've only had one serious relationship that involved going out together often, and it was almost always with a group of people who i invited over to my house to have cocktails before going to the bars in my hood.  in other past relationships, i tended to either become a homebody with the boyfriend, or to separate my social and romantic lives and go out only with friends.  based on my experience, i think that the you + me + our friends model seems to work best.   

last night i tried just that with the doctor for the first time.  usually, due to his 14-hour days and my general laziness, our quality time together is one-on-one in restaurants, always followed by television or sleeping.  i decided that it's about time that we start hanging out with other people -- finally go public, if you will.  i met up with D and two of our friends at a divey pub in our neighborhood, and i invited the doctor, who said he would bring along his co-worker (who D and i had met previously).  the pub was lively, and our group was getting along swimmingly.  i was having a nice time talking and laughing with everyone, while also discreetly holding hands with my guy under the bar.  it was nice seeing friend circles mix and seeing my two, separate free-time worlds come together.  then somebody suggested dancing.

a pub is one thing, but going dancing -- not to mention at the same club where we initially met -- was another; i foresaw awkwardness.  i suggested that we stay in the cozy pub.  "Oh look, it's pouring outside," i warned.  no one seemed to care.  the crowd was a mix of eager-to-dance and indifferent-and-easily-convinced.  D quietly assured me that she always has a great time going out dancing with her lover, which, i pointed out, is quite different considering they're heading toward their 2-year anniversary.  unfortunately, it was the doctor's friend who suggested dancing.  this early on, i lack standing to overrule his friends; i could argue no more.  so we danced.   i had a few drinks, which always helps in an awkward situation because it either relaxes everyone so that there's no awkwardness, or it just helps me to ignore and forget the awkwardness.

friends, it was a little strange.  i was self-conscious about my dance moves.  i didn't know whether to touch or not touch, whether to dance with my friends or with him.  it wasn't very fun, so despite having braved the rain and paid a cover to dance, i suggested calling it a night fairly early.  this time, no one objected.  

after parting ways with everyone but my roommate, then eating pizza and french fries (i really wish that restaurant weren't on the walk home...), i texted the doctor to say good-night and to tell him i'm looking forward to spending time with just him this weekend.  he responded that he felt the same way and was thinking just that on his way home.  

maybe it is just too soon, or maybe we're just not the type of couple that likes going out together.  in that way, i mean.


Sunday, October 9, 2011

some Sunday thoughts

i've had a bad week, but i'm not in a bad mood.
i'm in pain, but i'm not focusing on the injury.
i'm laying low for now, but there are high times ahead.
the friends i've made are nice, and soon i'll be making more.  
old friends are coming to visit, which gives me incentive to heal and to get ready to party.  
it's all about perspective. this could've been much worse.
i am the luckiest.   


the most ridiculous word of the day

to date, that is.

post(ing) secret(s)

Thursday, October 6, 2011

seeing a doctor

due to a series of unfortunate and painful events involving a wooden shelf crashing into my face, i spent the morning in the emergency room.  

i currently look awful, with bloodshot eyes and a huge bandage on my bloody, gnarled face.  see Exhibit A:

the most ridiculous part of my awful day is that i'm not as upset about the pain or the damage to my gorgeous face as i am that i had to cancel a fun date with my doctor guy tonight.  i've lost count on which date it would have been, but we had fun plans because, for once, he wasn't going to be on call starting at 5 AM tomorrow.  and no, he can't see me this way.  this is totally different than that time i canceled a date because of a zit.  this is serious, people.

for days i've been excited to see the doctor, but the ER wasn't what i had in mind.  


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

"doesn't mean i'm lonely"

yesterday on Facebook Kelly Clarkson "leaked" her next single, the title track of her album coming out in 19 days.  it's better than any feel-good, pick-yourself-up track that Gaga has released, and KC's vocals are strong.  

needless to say, i.  am.  excited.  

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

in the mealtime...

the excitement of wandering around my new city has worn off, and i'm officially bored.  my long-time readers (all three of you) know what happens when i'm not working and boredom sets in: i cook.  when i'm snowed in, i cook.  when i have nothing to do on a rainy Sunday, i cook. and in other circumstances for which i do not have past blog post links, i cook.

i'll be the first, and sometimes the second, to offer that i'm not a great cook, though i'm a fairly successful baker.  i'm better with sweets than savory.  my savory palate must be immature, because meals often backfire on me; however, that doesn't stop me from wandering around the supermarket aisles and praying to Ina Garten for culinary inspiration.  

this week, with the onset of autumn weather and the taste of fresh butternut squash soup lingering in my memory from Saturday's autumnal dinner party, i decided to finally make a dish about which i've been curious for a long while: spaghetti squash.

with a little help from Martha's video tips for making a spin-off of the classic spaghetti and meatballs, i got started with plenty of time to roast and prep before my new roommate D got home.  in case you don't know, the spaghetti squash is in the squash family and somehow can be turned into a substitute for spaghetti.  i know, i'm like Wikipedia.  so much useful information shared on this blog.  

first i seasoned a sliced and disemboweled gigantic squash with olive oil, salt and pepper.  next, i roasted the squash for exactly twice the amount of time that Martha told me i would need to roast it.  (what kind of space oven are you using, Stewart?)  fortunately, D was late getting home from work.  

next i went totally off-recipe and made my own meatballs.  MS's recipe involved fresh herbs and ground turkey.  i've learned my lesson with ground turkey, and i no longer even try.  i can't tell you how many times i've bought the lean, healthy alternative and been unable to use it because even when it's perfectly fresh, i think it smells rancid.  three times.  i just threw it away, fresh from the grocery store, three times.  i guess i could tell you how many times.  i think it smells like vomit every time i encounter it.  last night i opted for super lean beef and whole grain bread crumbs instead.  i also forgot to add parmesan cheese, but retrospectively decided, and told D, that i had opted for a lower calorie, still-delicious meatball.  

once roasted to fleshy softness, the innards of the squash can be shredded with a fork and scooped out onto a plate, where upon far inspection they look like a pile of pasta.  the roommate's late arrival allowed me to slow-cook the meatballs for approximately forever in a delicious sauce made by Ragu and very much tweaked by me.  

the result was a meal that was good -- so good that i had eaten half of it before i was able to snap a blurry photo -- but that will never pass as pasta.  D very much enjoyed it, and we both felt proud and healthy for choosing the low-carb, low-dairy, high-fiber alternative.  as expected, it simply wasn't as satisfying as real spaghetti and meatballs.

in the end, i'm reminded of what the Bible says about food, "Life simply isn't as good without carbs."  

on the other hand, a simple pasta dish couldn't have kept me busy for 2.5 hours on an otherwise lonely and boring night.  thanks for that, spaghetti squash.


quote of the week, thus far

"Honey, I'll gladly go out with you."

-a very small, very old woman working at Harry & David yesterday, in response to my telling her that i came in "looking for dates."  then she handed me a scone hot out of the oven.  she and the scone made it well worth wandering into the store.

FYI, H&D does not sell dates.  


Monday, October 3, 2011

pub urinal message from the gods

last night i was enjoying my fifth date with a guy who's turning out to be really great, when a trip to the men's room left me reconsidering the whirlwind relationship in which i seem to have gotten caught up in the last few weeks.

my date and i had some time to kill before a movie, so we stopped for a bite and some heat in a pub (as is typical of Northeast U.S. weather, Friday was still Summer and by Sunday morning everyone was wearing a winter jacket).  while standing at a urinal, i looked up to find that someone had left me (?) a message in this bar in which i had never before been:

i'm not usually one to be superstitious or to read great meaning into insignificant things (fine, i AM), but the message caught me off guard.  i wish someone had left it as "F MATT," rather than to cause me to question whether i was being told to slow down and to just be friends with my date.  "Friend MATT!"  that exclamation point is just so --- so -- harsh.  if there were a comma (i.e. "Friend, MATT!") i probably would have called the whole thing off already.  fortunately, drunk guys in bars aren't super concerned with grammar.  and for that i thank them.  i like the wiggle room on this one.  

to make matters more thought-provoking, during the course of our evening together, my date told me that there's a chance that he'll be taking a position with a hospital in a different city in the new year.  just a chance, but a great enough one that he felt the need to mention this early on.  and while i haven't known him long, i already know that i'll be devastated if he leaves -- that is, unless i heed the pub urinal message, wind back the dating, and have a "just friends" talk with this really great guy.

do i take it as a word of caution, or do i ignore it?  am i being crazy? is the universe speaking to me?  you tell me.

in other news, the Anna Faris film "What's Your Number?" is laugh-out-loud funny yet surprisingly serious for the leading lady, considering her customary slapstick roles.  as a fun rom-com, especially for purposes of a date, i highly recommend seeing it.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

i should be ashamed

D: You were listening to music in bed last night.  
me: I do that sometimes when I'm really drunk...
D: You were playing "Skyscraper" on repeat.
me: I just -- needed to hear it.