So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Hunger Date

when the doctor called a few days ago "just to catch up," i was caught off-guard.  we've talked often since the dating game ended, but we hadn't seen one another in person for a while.  because of my surprise, i failed to -- as my roommate called it -- "hide the eagerness."  

doc: I really want to see The Hunger Games.
me: Yeah, so do I.  It looks awesome. 
doc: Did you read the books? 
me: Yeah -- well, the first one.  It's really good.  I can't wait to see the movie. 
doc: I'm on call this weekend, but, um, what are you doing Monday night?

and just like that, we had a "date."  a friend date, though.  we're just friends.  he's leaving the country/hemisphere.  these are the things that i told myself during the time leading up to The Hunger Date.  

i didn't have too much time to be nervous, though, since i had a novel to read by Monday night.  you see, i hadn't actually read The Hunger Games when i told the doctor that i had read, and enjoyed, The Hunger Games.  oops.  sometimes i lie to guys.  

i spent Saturday evening in bed (yes, i gave up a night of drinkdancing) reading THG.  i was on the edge of my comforter.  it may have been written for teenagers, but The Hunger Games has everything i needed to get hooked into a fascinating, gruesome, page-turning story.  i simply couldn't put it down, and not only because i needed to have read it by Monday's date.  i read until 2:30 AM and enjoyed every minute of it.  

okay, people, i can sense your judgment from THIS FAR AWAY.  i know, it was somewhat desperate.  i'm hungry for romantic time with a man who i enjoy, and the doctor and i have great chemistry.  whether the night held in store a kiss or a cuddle or even just that special movie theatre lean-in, i wanted it.  i was out to get it.  i was hungry for some quality time.   my roommate assumed that i just wanted sexy time, which i promise you was not the case.  

"Okay, see you in the morning," she said as i checked my intentionally bouffant hair and got ready to walk out the door.  

unfortunately, i saw her at home three hours later.  

there was no kissing.  there was no sleepover.  there was only that special movie theatre lean-in, throughout most of the movie, during which i should've suggested that he sit in my seat, since it appeared that he so badly wanted to be there.  i, on the other hand, played it cool, boy.  reeeeal cool.  

i let him lean onto me during the gruesome parts of the film (which is so vanilla compared to the gory details of the novel).  i told him that i miss him and that it was good seeing him.  but i did not walk him home, four blocks from the theater.  i insisted upon an intersection good-bye.  i allowed a hug.  i was a good friend and a good movie companion.  because we are friends.  we are companions.  

i would never admit it to him, but i was hungry for much more.  

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

all things new

i was so happy for my friend who, via phone the other night, told me about being accepted into a graduate program in a new city.  

"When are you moving??" i asked. 
"I don't know.  I have to figure that out.  I have to figure a lot of things out."

friend, i've been thinking about you and your exciting life changes all day.  i know you're both elated and overwhelmed.  your head probably feels like it's spinning, like you've had one too many glasses of wine and you're just the tiniest bit dizzy.  i understand this feeling.  it's natural.  (for relief, i suggest having a few glasses of wine and taking your mind off of things for a while.)  you've been in Philadelphia for so many years, and suddenly it is no longer "home."  it's a waiting room.

if i were to give you any advice, i would say to look only forward.  of course, be mindful of and enjoy those things about your longtime home that you will miss -- the walks through familiar parks, the sticky buns at the market, the constant reminders of years gone by and friends gone away.  

but soon you'll find new parks through which to wander, new photo opportunities, new decadence, new coffee shops where you feel comfortable enough to have a bm, and new memories with new friends.  you won't have to think of the people who have moved away or the ones remaining who you hope you won't run into.  you'll be in a new place.  you'll be a new you.  

i am so excited for you, and i hope that when your head stops spinning, you are full of joy and excitement. who knows what's in store for you?  who knows the great people you will meet? who knows who you will love?  Jesus knows.  but he doesn't want to talk to you, because you're gay. 

seriously, though...  so happy.

amore e baci.  

Sunday, March 18, 2012

rule for life #203

If you like someone enough to date him, you should like him enough to be his friend when the dating ends.

if i haven't told you about, or haven't updated you recently regarding, NASA guy, don't get too excited for this update.  in short, it didn't end well.

it would appear that i have, as of late, behaved responsibly and maturely in my dating life.  i took things very slow with NASA -- slow like one drink, no touching, and a scheduled second date an entire week later.  like an adult would do.  the truth is, maturity had nothing to do with it.  when we first met, i was cautious only because he seemed like a good catch, and i didn't want to tarnish his sterling opinion of me.  even now, looking back, i have to admit that NASA is great on paper, which reads like this: ex-military midwestern guy, taller than me, blue eyes, drives an awesome Volvo, works for NASA (obvi) and has a dog.  for what more could i ask?  

a personality, for starters.

after a couple weeks of talking and one date under our belts, i still wasn't sure what was the deal with this guy.  he wasn't getting any more interesting, and i needed to figure out if i should check the friend box or the boyfriend box beside his name.  on date two, i decided that NASA was boring and that there was no chemistry.  afterward, at our sidewalk goodbye that he made uncomfortable by asking for a good night kiss (dear everyone: never ask.  asking, in reference to kissing, is always the least attractive move you can make), i realized that i needed to have the JF talk with NASA post-haste.  

to make my to-do more awkward, NASA hadn't noticed that our dates were boring or that we had no chemistry.  apparently i just had no chemistry.  NASA had lots of chemistry.  over the course of the next few dates, he made abundantly clear that he liked me and saw me as a potential husband.  way sooner than he should have made clear anything of the sort.

then i got an idea, which NASA supported eagerly, mostly because he supported eagerly everything i ever suggested or decided, because he had no personality of his own.  i wanted to make one final attempt.  my idea was that we needed to drink together -- not just a beer or a few happy hour cocktails, but an actual drunken night.  the level of fun of that event, and that alone, would finally determine whether NASA was dateable.  

did you know that it's possible to be bored while you are also intoxicated?  i, sir, did not.  until last week.  now i know.  it was boring.  that's what i'm getting at here.  drunk date was boring.  for me, i should add.  not for NASA.  while waiting for his cab to arrive, dude attempted to finally get physical.  i'm not exaggerating (which i rarely do on here, believe it or not) when i tell you that i literally pushed his mouth away from my face by reaching up a hand and exerting physical pressure against his face.  it was time to have the talk.  

i tried several of my tactics: we have great friend chemistry, i have a lot of fun with you as a friend, i'm just not feeling romantic chemistry, yada yada yada. NASA was not having any of it.  not responding well.  and here's where we get today's rule.  

"I had a fun night with you.  I'm just more interested in hanging out as friends."

"I have no interest in being friends with you."

verbatim.  can you belie'dat?  being the kind-hearted, Gandhi-ish person that i am, i gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn't give up on him.  i decided that i should try again when NASA was sober, such as the next morning.  when i asked about his day, his response was arctic:

"I respect that you don't want to date me. Please respect that I don't want to be your pal."

ver-ba-tim.  24 hours prior, he was planning to introduce me to his friends and had even asked me what i was doing on the following two weekends.  24 hours later, NASA wanted nothing to do with me. 

do you think this is acceptable?  is it understandable?  to me, this simply doesn't make sense.  how can you like a person romantically but want absolutely nothing to do with him or her once romance is no longer on the table?  i'd like to know your thoughts.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Thursday, March 1, 2012

weedn says...

If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again.