i have lived so many lives, but i'm not old

i decided to move. my other space was getting a little old, and too many people knew where i lived. some people i had decided to leave behind were difficult to get rid of, and besides -- a little change can always be good for us. so here i am!

however, i didn't want, simply for the sake of ease in moving, to throw away all the stuff i've accumulated over the years -- all the baggage i've been carrying around with me. not to sound arrogant, but my baggage is, to say the least, color-coded and quite stylish. why would i want to dispose of it?

so here i am, and this is simply my "hello" entry. a storage entry. my attic, if you will. i'll be decorating the rest of this new space over time. come visit whenever you like.





Sunday, November 25, 2007


every season has its rhythm

regardless of how many times i write out the word "rhythm," it always looks like it's misspelled. but my spellchecker tells me that it's correct. and that "spellchecker" is not a word. which i guess it would know, if anyone would.

at any rate, here's el songo del momento, as our hispanoparlante friends would say. me encanta.


all at once

there are certain people you just keep coming back to
she is right in front of you
you begin to wonder could you find a better one
compared to her now she's in question

and all at once the crowd begins to sing
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

maybe you want her, maybe you need her
maybe you started to compare to someone not there

looking for the right one you line up the world to find
where no questions cross your mind
but she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
much longer for you to sort it out

and all at once the crowd begins to sing
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

maybe you want her, maybe you need her
maybe you started to compare to someone not there
maybe you want it, maybe you need it
maybe it's all you're running from
perfection will not come

and all at once the crowd begins to sing
sometimes
we'd never know what's wrong without the pain
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

maybe you want her, maybe you need her
maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
maybe you want it, maybe you need it
maybe it's all you're running from
perfection will not come

maybe you want her, maybe you need her
maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another

...to another


big ups to the fray for this lovely ditty (i know, they're so whiny, but whatta 'ya do?), and here's hoping radio doesn't get a hold of this and play it to death, causing everyone in the country to effing hate it. you know, like what happened to this band's other songs. and that overplayed snow patrol song. and 'hey there delilah' (which my friend cass sings as 'hey there vag*na,' giving it a fun twist. try it! you'll like it: "hey there vag*na, what's it like in new york city?") and every one of alicia keys' songs (i predict it'll happen with her latest release, btw. in fact, when radio overplays her songs, they overplay them for years, for some reason. enjoy it while you can.)

p.s. my song of the moment totally should have been featured on tonight's episode of bros & hos. it would have been uber-appropriate for when kevin told scotty he broke up with that other guy and that he wants to try again. becase he likes it hard. er, that he's up for a challenging relationship; because sometimes the hardest thing is the right thing.

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Saturday, November 24, 2007


running into an ex at a bar


Maybe I'll share my life with somebody... maybe not.
But the truth is, when I think back on my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.


The real truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content. Because, then what?
I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun.
The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to.

What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it...

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Sunday, November 18, 2007


you stink, justin matisse!

~
bernice: at home we had a pet skunk. mama used to call it justin matisse. do you think that's just a coincidence? all day long she would scream, "you stink justin matisse!" then one day she just picked up a club and killed it.
justin matisse: now that's a sad story.
bernice: if you liked the skunk... which we didn't.
~

isn't it funny how, as we change, we can read a book or view a film differently than we initially experienced it? a movie you didn't even appreciate five years ago can take on new meaning. because you're in a different place. because you've experienced new hurts and joys. because you're a different person...

~
beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.
try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning.
just give hope a chance to float up.
and it will.
~

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Friday, November 16, 2007


"how can i answer that??"

the other day, in mid-90's dishwalla fashion (wait, do any of you remember dishwalla's hit song 'counting blue cars'? me neither!), one of my best friends on earth asked me, "tell me all your thoughts on god."

* * *
he wrote to me and asked:
i wanted to ask you what your thoughts on God were - the other day i was thinking about a little place in time where we were both kind of innocent and i was curious about what you believe about God these days. i've been wrestling more with these questions lately... these days, it seems like every other day i'm flirting with atheism... anyway, i just wanted your thoughts.


my first inclination was to say "buddy, i haven't figured that out yet" or "mr. hall, how can i answer that?", but then i re-read. and he didn't say, "tell me your beliefs" or "tell me your scientifically proven, or at the very least tested, hypotheses." my dear friend asked for my thoughts. and at just that moment, my buddy hemingway whispered into my ear, as he tends to do, "all you have to do is write one true sentence. write the truest sentence you know." and so i did. i wrote back:


* * *
such a difficult question should be answered only after a great deal of thought, soul-searching, and certainty in the matter. i have, over the past couple years, given your question quite a bit of the first two of those... and have still not come anywhere near the third.

so my answer to you should be, "i'm not sure..." but come on, you know me. i'll talk even if i have nothing to say.

and i'll answer your question as best i can even if i'm genuinely not sure about the answer -- or, rather, about the truth. because i am certain of my answer, and i will be 100% honest with you about what i believe and where i still come up short. therefore, i should say i'm genuinely not sure what the truth is, but i believe

*that there is a God. i will never be an atheist because i know there is something more than what we see and touch. there absolutely must be. i think you, too, feel this way.
*but i believe everyone experiences God in a different way and meets with God through different means and experiences. for some, it's meditation or chant. for some, it's ritual. for some it's music *winks at you* and for some it's simply love and giving of oneself to others.
*i believe that hindus and muslims and catholics and buddhists all believe in the same God. i really do. we all know that there's SOMETHING out there.
*i'm kind of becoming buddhist. (i know, right??) but i read buddhist teachings every single day. it's part of my morning ritual now, along with saying the prayer of jabez. sometimes the buddhist teachings/meditations seem crazy to me. but other times i stare at the words as if someone had just answered a question that i asked years ago but which the arrogant college professor couldn't answer.
*if i have to say something descriptive about God, i believe God is extremely - beyond comprehension - loving and understanding and good. i do not believe God is angry or wrathful, i truly do not, despite what we've been taught in our presbyterian churches with beautiful stained windows and vaulted ceilings and 45 minutes of guilt per serving.
*despite this abounding love, i believe that we are still responsible for ourselves, for our lives and for our futures. we attract into our lives what comes into our lives. we are independent and have free will, and we are the only ones to blame when it all goes bad. because our hearts have asked God for it. i don't mean our hearts are asking for horrible tragedies like hurricanes and tsunamis and britney shaving her head; BUT on the other hand, when i focus on and dread the inevitable demise of my romantic relationship, he eventually will hurt me. and when she focuses on sadness and depression, she soon sinks into a depression.
we receive what we call out to and what we hold onto. sometimes for the worse. hopefully for the better from now on.


now for the holes i'm still trying to fill:
*i don't know what to do with Jesus. i'm not sure who He was and how He fits into the whole grand scheme. it's clear where he fits into the "Christian" scheme, but what about the other 2.5 billion people on earth? how does He fit into their lives/rituals/legends/histories/beliefs/fears/hopes? i don't know if He had ALL the answers. i'm working on this one.
*i don't know how to react to the Church and the destruction that it is doing. i don't like that i've stopped going to church here in philadelphia, because i have always loved the ritual of it. it is calming and it centers me like few other things (one of which is vodka... just kidding! or am i?) but seriously, i feel healthy when i'm sitting before an altar. i feel grounded. i feel the smooth flow of energy from my mind through the pew..
that said, the Church as an organization is so exclusive (and not in the cool, "that vest was disgusting" way) and, i believe, is genuinely confused about the truth due to centuries of politics and decisions made by men who have polluted the truth and selectively incorporated what they, personally, humanly, fallibly, believed to be "good" for the people. who decided which books to include in the Bible? what if the answer to MY question is in one of the scrolls that was tossed aside so many centuries ago?

that will have to do for now, buddy.
so, i showed you mine. now you show me yours.


* * *
so... tell me all YOUR thoughts on God. i'd really like to hear them.

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Thursday, November 08, 2007


humming around my head

oh in a dream my father came to me
and made me swear that i'd keep what's sacred to me
and if i get the choice to live in his name
i'll pray my way through the rain singing, oh happy day

i don't mean to close the door but for the record my heart is sore
you blew through me like bullet holes
left stains on my sheets and stains on my soul
you left me broke down begging for change
had to catch a ride with a man who's deranged
he had your hands and my father's face
another Western vampire different time same place
i has dreams that brings me sadness
rain much deeper than a river
sorrow flow through me, tiny waves of shivers
corny movies make me reminisce
they break me down easy on this generic love sh*t
first kiss frog and princess

ima shake you off though
get up on that horse and
ride into the sunset
look back with no remorse...

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Sunday, November 04, 2007


seriously, there’s one a block away

$2,002.50 = the amount of sur-charges i've paid at bar ATMs this year.



$2,002.50 = the amount i would've saved had i just gone to the PNC ATM before going out.


it's actually less than a block from my apartment. but in the wrong direction.

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Wednesday, October 31, 2007


go ahead, make my day! my week, even!

in the historically optimistic yet culturally manipulative church tradition of turning evil pagan rituals into Christian holy days, i am taking some time this halloween, the darkest of all holidays, to give thanks for all the blessings in my life.

my friend oprah and i share the belief that expressing gratitude is an important and edifying practice that should occur daily. she's said many times on her show that she thinks everyone should keep a gratitude journal. then again, she also thinks everyone's wardrobe should naturally include a Burberry tweed trench coat, which retails for an affordable $1,495.00. now that's gratitude. *updates Christmas list*

with all this talk about gratitude, i can't help but wonder: why doesn't our society have a holiday dedicated specifically to giving thanks for all the blessings in our lives? because i think we should!! i propose that we should have a national holiday for just this purpose! and i'd call it Givingthanks Day!! but until such a holiday exists, this gratitude blog will have to suffice.

* * *

this Holyween i'm grateful for:

Candy-grams! i received two, and i didn't even send any! bwahaha!
"I don't send them, I just get them. So you better send me one, biotch. " (mean girls. obv.)
thanks, jamma! as soon as i got the "you've got a candy-gram waiting for you" e-mail, i thought it might be from you. you totally made my day. my week, even!


Please don't stop the music. after hearing this pulsating tune on the dance floor a hundred times and again last week in dr. ben's automovil, i wondered why i didn't have this song in my personal collection. i had to get over my annoyance with rihanna due to that effing umbrella song and just download this un-released gem.
since downloading it sunday night, i have listened to it 42 times. in 2.5 days. that's approximately 50 times per day, or something like that. i'm not good at math.
during periods of high stress and low energy (AKA this semester for me), it's music like this that keeps me moving. gets me out of bed. keeps me regular. what?

anniversaries. even if it's not my own ((someday)), i'm genuinely happy for the couple. for example, the g-parents of one of my friends just celebrated their 35-year anniversary, which is tooootally awesome. i want in on that action!! ...wait. that... i didn't mean it the way it sounded. i don't want in on their action. just... my own. you know?


gmail and gchat. oh, google, the only way i know to express my love for and appreciation of you is through the medium of song: how do i live without you, i want to know? how do i breathe without you, if you ever go? how do i ever, ever [e-mail or chat]? how do i..? oh, how do i live? ew, leeanne rhymes, your husband is a homo! then again, so is my friend _name redacted out of respect_'s husband, and she doesn't seem to mind or even notice.


last, but not least, today i'm thankful for
friends, both near and far i'm not sure what it is about the fall, but it's definitely a nostalgic and very emo time of year (see e.g. my "stings a little" post. friends-only).
i'm sad that i missed el sandorado's birthday celebration in new york. i just had sooo much going on that weekend. or was that the saturday i slept until 4 pm? i don't recall.
also, around halloween i always think back to the most fun halloween of my life, dancing with my fireman at sanctuary, that crazy church-turned-insane-nightclub in pittsburgh. where are you, firefighter? i miss you. (don't think i'm not keeping tabs - i know you're in south america. the facebook photos are v. cute. come home safely, and without malaria!!!)
i'm even thankful for friends who sleep in the room adjacent to mine. you light up my life and entertain me to no end. i <3 style="font-weight: bold;">

Tuesday, October 23, 2007


if God had a face, what would it look like?

and would you want to see, if seeing meant that you would have to believe..?

i've written before about it. i've probably talked to you about it in person. maybe i've even told you that you need to read it. and since i know you haven't done so yet, i'm going to share just one piece of it that i find beautiful. maybe you, too, will appreciate it -- even if you are one of those who claims to not believe. hehe. that's funny. but i'm not here to argue. that's another post entirely. i'm just here to share.

eat * pray * love

faith

Faith is a way of saying, "Yes, I pre-accept the terms of the universe and I embrace in advance what I am presently incapable of understanding." There's a reason we refer to "leaps of faith"–because the decision to consent to any notion of divinity is a mighty jump from the rational over to the unknowable, and I don't care how diligently scholars of every religion will try to sit you down with their stacks of books and prove to you through scripture that their faith is indeed rational; it isn't. If faith were rational, it wouldn't be — by definition–faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity, it would just be … a prudent insurance policy.

I am not interested in the insurance industry. I'm tired of being a skeptic. I'm irritated by spiritual prudence and I feel bored and parched by empirical debate. I don't want to hear it anymore. I couldn't care less about evidence and proof and assurances. I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water.

. . .

religious ritual

This is what rituals are for. We do spiritual ceremonies as human beings in order to create a safe resting place for our most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don't have to haul those feelings around with us forever, weighing us down…And I do believe that if your culture or tradition doesn't have the specific ritual you're craving, then you are absolutely permitted to make up a ceremony of your own devising…If you bring the right earnestness to your ceremony, God will provide the grace. And that is why we need God.

So I stood up and did a handstand on my Guru's roof, to celebrate the notion of liberation. I felt the dusty tiles under my hands. I felt my own strength and balance…This kind of thing--a spontaneous handstand--isn't something [God] can do, but a human being can do it. We have hands; we can stand on them if we want to. That's our privilege. That's the joy of a mortal body. And that's why God needs us. Because God loves to feel things through our hands.

. . .

happiness

People universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, you strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.

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Friday, October 19, 2007


evolution

the trouble with love is, it can tear you up inside
make your heart believe a lie


and if i try to save him, my whole world could cave in
it just ain't right, and i don't know what he's after


and i know i let you have all the power
and i realize i'm never going to quit you over time
it's like i can't breathe
it's like i can't see anything
nothing but you


sometimes shattered, never open
nothing matters when you're broken
that was me whenever i was with you
always ending, always over
back and forth, up and down like a roller-coaster
i am breaking that habit
today


my heart can't possibly break
when it wasn't even whole to start with


what do you do when you look in the mirror
and staring at you is why he's not here


and i don't know, i could crash and burn
but maybe at the end of this road
i might catch a glimpse of me
so i won't worry about my timing
i want to get it right
no comparing, second-guessing
no, not this time


i would never wish bad things
but i don't wish you well...
never again will i love you
never


i don't want to be tough
and i don't want to be proud
but i don't need to be fixed
and i certainly don't need to be found
i'm not lost


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Wednesday, October 10, 2007


love today

* * *
we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really.

how many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? perhaps four or five times more. perhaps not even that.

how many more times will you watch the full moon rise? perhaps twenty.

and yet it all seems limitless.

* * *


paul bowles. author.

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Friday, October 05, 2007


it stings a little

over three months, and i'm still sober. i feel good about the decision i made in june. honestly. and with that in mind, i feel safe admitting to you that i have never felt more single.

in the past i've spent longer periods of my life without a love interest, but this time it's different. i feel siiiinnnngggle. you know what i mean? well, i'm certain that some of you understand, because some of my friends are always single. i don't know how you do it. and i don't mean for this to depress you, because the truth is that you are such strong people, to get by on your own the way you do. i don't know if i have it in me. not that i'm completely pathetic -- like i said, i've been single for much longer periods of time. but this time it feels different.

i think the difference is that, in the past, even when i was single there was always someone lingering in the back of my head - or my heart - albeit, the same person for 4 years. and by "person" i really mean "mistake." but still, in the past that void was always filled, and when it was vacant, there was a runner-up whose memory or image could easily and temporarily be fitted into the space. again i should assure you that i write this with no regret. i'm just esplainin'.

and i'm not trying to be negative, and i'm not depressed. the truth is that i'm quite happy. really, y'all! i am! i'm just taking this opportunity to express my thoughts/feeling. yes, singular. although, now that i think of it, despite my happiness, i've had some depressing moments as of late.

like this morning on my daily commute: 'great escape' began playing on the m'ipod and it was a really good thing that every surface inside the train car had beveled plastic edges, or else i may just have cut myself. it's a great song, though, and i should thank patrick, who passed it along on the so-called "depresso" mix cd. for that matter, i should thank kelly, who put together a really wonderful mix cd and gave it to patrick, even though we all know he doesn't listen to that genre. in college he thought i was insane because i listened to john mayer and other bands that weren't the spice girls. (i jest. a little)

so there i was, listening to patrick watson's 'great escape,' sinking low - and so early in the morning! - thinking about the sadness of my life, from which i wish i could escape... but i quickly recovered by hitting shuffle. thank the lord for shuffle!!! and *poof* i was saved by trainwreck britney's GIMME MORE. and i danced the rest of the way to school. more or less.

back to what i was saying: my intention is not to be negative or to whine, but when you're alone the world does feel different. when your mind doesn't have anyone to drift off and think about, you're forced to look at what is around you. and sometimes it's ugly. especially in philadelphia. don't get me wrong, i love this city. it's my home. but lately it has been looking pretty ugly. a little more grey. a little more square. a little more stinky.

oh, that reminds me -- the other day on the train, a man with the worst B.O. i've smelled since italy was standing about 3 feet from me (i believe that we, as civilized humans, have an innate sense of who in the room has the B.O., so YES, i am absolutely certain it was that guy), and my eyes were stinging as if cpg were cutting onions in the kitchen. i almost got off a stop early. and walked. 5 entire blocks. that, my friends, would have been an act of desperation. it's partly my fault, though. i mean, my ophthalmologist told me to wear my glasses all the times. and if i had, the burn wouldn't have been so terrible.

i guess i should stop whining. i should enjoy this time alone. aallloooooone. i should get to know myself. yes, that's it! and all those other trite sayings to make single people feel better about themselves as well! and for my theme song, i choose the most obvious '80's self-empowerment anthem there ever was! sing it with me!

* * *

on the floors of tokyo
or down in london town to go, go
with the record selection
and the mirror's reflection
i'm dancing with myself

when there's no-one else in sight
in the crowded lonely night
well i wait so long
for my love vibration
and i'm dancing with myself

oh dancing with myself
oh dancing with myself
well there's nothing to lose
well there's nothing to prove
and i'll be dancing with myself

if i looked all over the world
and there's every type of girl
but your empty eyes
seem to pass me by
leave me dancing with myself

so let's sink another drink
'cause it'll give me time to think
if i had the chance
i'd ask the world to dance
and i'll be dancing with myself

oh dancing with myself
oh dancing with myself
well there's nothing to lose
and there's nothing to prove
i'll be dancing with myself

if i looked all over the world
and there's every type of girl
but your empty eyes
seem to pass me by
leave me dancing with myself

so let's sink another drink
'cause it'll give me time to think
if i had the chance
i'd ask the world to dance
and i'll be dancing with myself

oh dancing with myself
oh dancing with myself
if i had the chance
i'd ask the world to dance
if i had the chance
i'd ask the world to dance
if i had the chance
i'd ask the world to dance

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Saturday, September 29, 2007


in the deep



if you want to be given everything...



give everything up.


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Tuesday, September 25, 2007


a song for the lonely

well, it's not really a song. and it's not really for the lonely. and i'm not even into cher.
rather, it's for those of you who need to say good-bye to someone -- the person in your past who hurt you. the person you can't seem to let go of. maybe you're holding onto anger... but you're still holding on, aren't you? you should know that you're not alone. not by far. so this one's for you.

i'm currently reading eat * pray * love elizabeth gilbert's autobiographical tale about her post-divorce, post-depression sabbatical, and before i even finish it, i'm recommending it to you. i love it. cpg loved it, too. it's that fantastic. and you can be sure that i'll tell you all about it some other time.

but for now i have to share with you just this one section. i read it last night. it struck me. it kept me awake. it's self-explanatory. it's for you.



* * *

What I had wanted for so long was to have an actual conversation with my ex-husband, but this was obviously never going to happen. What I had been craving was a resolution, a peace summit, from which we could emerge with a united understanding of what had occurred in our marriage, and a mutual forgiveness for the ugliness of our divorce...

I climbed to the top of the tower... the sun was going down right now. The breeze was warm. I unfolded the piece of paper the plumber/poet had given me.
He had typed:

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FREEDOM
1. Life's metaphors are God's instructions.
2. You have just climbed up and above the roof. There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now, let go.
3. The day is ending. it's time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that was beautiful. Now, let go.
4. Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God's response. Let go, and watch the stars come out - on the outside and on the inside.
5. With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.
6. With all your heart, forgive him, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and let him go.
7. Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.
8. Watch the heat of the day pass into the cool night. Let go.
9. When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.
10. When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy.


... And then, to my surprise, still in meditation, I did an odd thing. I invited my ex-husband to please join me up here on this rooftop in India. I asked him if he would be kind enough to meet me up here for this farewell event. Then I waited until I felt him arrive. And he did arrive. His presence was suddenly absolute and tangible. I could practically smell him.
I said, "Hi, sweetie..."

* * *

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Sunday, September 23, 2007


big ups to my 5000 readers*

my blog is officially the most-read blog in the WORLD!!

well... okay, not really. not at all. but this is a landmark day. because at some point today, as i studied and drank coffee and generally scowled at anyone who looked like he or she was enjoying a sunny sunday afternoon of relaxation, my blog got its 5000th hit! and I DIDN'T EVEN WRITE ANYTHING TODAY! let alone anything interesting!

*note: by 5000 readers, i actually mean 5000 hits. for all i know, i have only 5 readers, and one of those readers is compulsively reading my blog and maybe even stalking me by hiding around the corner of the kimmel center and watching my every move. that... would be.... awesome. the sincerest form of flattery, as they say. ((dear lord, please let someone be stalking me. it's been a rough week.))










September 18, 2007 - Tuesday

black magic woman

it's no secret that i love my job. i've probably told you all a million times how great my office and my coworkers are. there are so many reasons why i look forward to going to work, but i'd like to tell you about one of them. her name is lois.

lois is seventy years old, but you wouldn't know it. you might guess that she's around 50. i swear she has some secret elixir in her spice pantry. lois spends her free time figuring out her daily lucky numbers, and then she plays the lottery. every. day. and i'm telling you (like jennifer hudson), at the end of the week, she has never lost any money. the woman just entertains me constantly. she likes to tell me the crazy things she did in the '70's. basically, lois is the highlight of my work day.

i sometimes worry that lois is crazy. well, not just sometimes -- often! but lately i've been wondering, maybe lois is onto something. maybe she knows something the rest of us don't...

like i said, sometimes i think she's just crazy. like when she told me that if someone on the subway asks me for a quarter, i better give it to him, because we don't know what Christ will look like when He returns -- to which i replied that i doubt the Son of God will return to earth and walk around philadelphia reeking of bottom-shelf, bankers' club gin. He would at least drink tanqueray, right?

anyway, i told her to her face that she's crazy, and she just laughed at me and said she may be -- which immediately makes me think that she's not insane. because crazies don't know they are crazy. (i'm reminded of the film proof, in which gwyneth tells her dad that if he were really crazy, he wouldn't be able to admit it. jake gyllenho was also in proof. mmmm. jake.) i'm throwing the word 'crazy' around so much i feel like gnarles barkley. but thinner. at any rate, i guess lois isn't crazy. in fact, she might be right about some things.

i really am beginning to think that lois is onto something - something we could all plug into. how do i explain this?

for instance, the other day she came into my office and told me i needed to go buy a light bulb. why? because a lamp went out in the reception area, and it was draining the boss's energy. she could hear it in his voice when he called in from court. he was upset. an important hearing wasn't going well. he needed all the energy he could get backing him, and the energy in his office was weak. she was completely serious.

i walked the two blocks to cvs. the truth is, i wanted to take a walk in the beautiful fall morning. besides, you can't argue with crazy. you know i tried!

lois changed the light bulb. and -- i promise you this -- within hours, good news came from the courthouse. i know you don't believe me, but i don't care. i don't front, ok?

i never liked to be called "religious," even when i was studying the Bible as part of my college education at Holier Than Thou University. i think it's a term that connotes self-righteousness and spiritual superficiality. but i am a believer - in a lot of things, really. i believe in daily prayer, whatever that means to you. i believe that mantras quiet the soul. i believe that positive thought is powerful, even if my roommate and i are slightly disgruntled about 'the secret.' (but we're still trying, oprah!)

i believe that, whatever it is, if it helps - do it. if it brings you peace. if it calms your anxiety. if it gives you hope. then believe. (unless we're talking about scientology. that's just bullsh*t.) and if changing a light bulb can send energy out to empower someone, then i will do just that.

lois inspires me. maybe i'll even give my spare change to a homeless person tomorrow. even if they smell like cheap gin. but not whiskey. oh, no. not again.

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September 16, 2007 - Sunday


rule of thumb

i bet you've heard it more than once. it's become almost a cliche. but these words hold such power. they comprise the simplest of statements but deliver a sophisticated punch of wisdom. for that reason, the phrase is worth repeating. in fact, it's worth reminding yourself time and again:


when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

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August 23, 2007 - Thursday


the truth about dogs and cats

last week a friend of mine told me that my catticus is poorly-behaved and arrogant. while i neither disagreed nor even bothered to feign surprise at this notion (because i know my puss better than anyone else does, and i realize he is... um... strong-willed), i began to ponder my kitty's attitude. i don't think i've done a terrible job of raising him or training him -- but then, i think the idea of training a feline is absurd. you simply cannot train cats. and here's why: because cats have no sense of shame. and that's what sets dogs and cats apart.

when i scold my puppy nephews, they pout and lie down quietly for a while, because they know they've done something wrong to deserve such discipline. on the other hand, if i attempt to discipline atticus in any way - be it by screaming at him or spanking him or pointing my finger - he reacts quite differently. often he tries to bite me. on a good day he hides under the futon, but only so that he can lie in wait until i walk by and he jumps out and attacks me. but never has he ever expressed any remorse for his bad behavior.

i grew up surrounded by cousins of all ages, but one of them was my age, and we did almost everything together, including getting into a lot of trouble from our parents. but when that parental wrath came, we reacted very differently. with as little as a stern look from an adult, my cousin would lower his head and begin pouting. he cried a lot. whereas i would fight back and argue. once i retaliated by packing a bag and running away for several whole hours, which i spent eating snacks and reading in the forest behind my house. another time, i hid the paddle my ma used to spank me and my brother (note: in the early 80's, paddling/spanking was still a technique used by some conservative parents and was generally not considered abusive, nor did it lead to overly masochistic fetishes in adulthood.... i swear..... i'm not into spanking. at all. i don't care what you heard.) years later, when we moved, that paddle was found covered in dust in a corner of the attic. job well-done.

thinking back to my un-discipline-able childhood self, i couldn't help but wonder: am i poorly-behaved and arrogant, like my cat? and if so, is that such a terrible thing?

maybe i chose atticus because he is strong-willed. maybe that's something i admire, something to which i am drawn. i am a leo.

maybe each of us is attracted to personalities like our own. and in the simplest of worlds, we would compare to either the defiant, autonomous feline or the loyal, submissive canine. we either have or lack that sense of shame. some of us think we're always right, no matter what. some of you will admit defeat and cooperate, no matter what.

but what's most important here, the true moral of this story is this: i just didn't feel like doing any more work until after lunch, so i thought i'd sit in the office and blog a bit. thanks for reading, bitches.

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August 13, 2007 - Monday


hand out the window, floating on air
Current mood: calm

just a flip of the wrist and i'm waving summer good-bye. time for lasts: last chance for a getaway, last weekends of last weeks, last trip to the beach, last year of school. as usual this time of year, i'm ready for what lies ahead. all things go. friday night felt like autumn. did you feel it? i wore a jacket, and as dominican and i walked home from our friendly neighborhood bier haus, it was actually chilly. and it was lovely. i hope you walked outside and felt the air. so long, so long summer.

but first, a bang. because that's how summer should go out. the summer has been fantastic thus far, or at least the second half has been. i forget the first half.

even law review cite checking couldn't keep me indoors this weekend. despite the work weighing on my mind, i felt in my soul that this was a weekend for meeting up with friends, for train rides, for leisure reading. the witch of portobello was fantastic. you've done it again, paulo coelho. just magical...

~i can see the storm approaching. like all storms, it brings destruction, but at the same time, it soaks the fields, and the wisdom of the heavens falls with the rain. like all storms, it will pass. the more violent it is, the more quickly it will pass. i have, thank God, learned to weather storms.~

where do we go from here? what is there to do but jump back into the maelstrom that is being twenty-five years old? and prioritize, of course. always make time for the important things: the dinners, the dancing, the relaxing moments in the park. it has always been about priorities. if you want something to happen, you will find the time to make it happen. or let it happen, as it were. my story was long, but i tried to explain that to you last week. the fact that i made it about myspace indicates that my reality has been warped by my being over-connected. speaking of which, i said i wasn't going to bring my laptop along home this week. a few days without e-mail or perez would be nice, i thought. then i caved and packed it. so addicted.

~does he love me?~ ~you're asking the wrong question. what you need to know is, are you in the position to give him the love he needs. and whatever happens or doesn't happen will be equally gratifying.~

time to sleep now. because here at home, we call it a night pretty early. plus tomorrow i have a little road trip. i already made mix cds. and pretty sweet mix cds at that.

as i bid you buona notte, i leave you with one last coelho quotation. just because.

~the truth is that with each step we take, we arrive. repeat that to yourself every morning: 'i've arrived.' that way you'll find it much easier to stay in touch with each second of your day.~

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July 30, 2007 - Monday


the way you make me feel



I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday,
And I know that I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?
And in a wide sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize

And I know that I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you.

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife, she stayed for a couple of days and passed away
I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong...

That I know
That I am
The luckiest

* * *
dear ben folds, i appreciate you putting all that down in words. because you did, i don't have to. and that's good, because i'm really busy lately. oh, hey, call me sometime. we'll sit around writing lyrics. but none of that morbid stuff like you were writing back in the 90's. i'm not really into that. no offense or anything... anyway, talk to you soon. love, matthew

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July 27, 2007 - Friday


dirty hipsters....

it was the first day of law school - i remember it like it was yesterday. i was wearing flip flops, a green polo and my favorite summer jeans, which i've had since freshman year of college and which are currently performing two miracles: 1) they still fit my fat *ss, seven years later and 2) no matter how thin they are, they haven't yet fallen apart. anyway, what was i saying? oh yeah... it was the first day of school...

the professor split us up into small groups, and there she was in my group: the antithesis of me. big holes in her ears, tattoos covering her arm (and god knows what else), wearing worn-out vans and a logo tee that (i wasn't sure, but i thought it was a safe guess) bore some veiled reference to illicit drug use, and lugging around a big dirty messenger bag.

i had two questions: first, what was this person doing in law school, which i had envisioned to be a professional setting where students wore lacoste polos or j.crew button-downs (depending on the severity of the air conditioning) and cute slacks from banana? second, why was i placed in a small group with this grubby, tattooed bike-messenger-turned-law-student? her kind are already taking up all the good seats at the last drop -- now they're crowding my study group!?

little did i know that this crazy girl would become one of my favorite people in philadelphia, and two years later i would be so very sad to say good-bye as she moved back to the left coast, hipster heaven. i think i fell in friend-love with andrea at the end of that first, hellish week of school. we were standing outside at the first-year picnic when, in front of a group of strangers, she announced that i was her new gay boyfriend. sure, i was surprised at her sixth sense, an uncanny ability to spot a mo. because most people don't know. but i was also touched that someone so very different from me considered me so likeable, and so quickly. and the sentiment was mutual.

oh, the memories... the gallons of coffee we drank, the weekends of studying, the countless events andrea promised and failed to show up at... more imporantly, though, i owe this friend a big 'thank you' for opening my mind to new ideas, new culture, and new fashion choices. she was the one who encouraged me to buy my first pair of vans. she was the one who explained to me that the clothes hanger pin i found and stuck on my backpack wasn't a fun reference to mommy dearest - "NO WIRE HANGERS...EVER!!!" - but rather that it was a trinket of pro-abortion propaganda. silly me, walking around the city, unwittingly supporting choice...

isn't that the way with real friendship? anais nin said something along the lines of, 'each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive...' i have the quote on a card in my box of wonderful that mrs. sussman gave me years ago. (that makes you sound like my teacher, you know that? you're so... married.) friendship is expansive. friendship is having little in common with someone but enjoying his or her company nonetheless. friendship is disagreeing on almost everything but still discussing it. friendship is finding common ground, which was there all along, despite your not seeing it.

well, here's to friends... to those we see every day, to those who have moved away, to those from whom we've moved away, and to those who are about to come into our lives and expand our universe. be ready. be open. it'll be great.

with love to you, andy, and to all the rest of you as well. what would i do without you?

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July 18, 2007 - Wednesday


second verse, better than the first
Current mood: restless

we decided the other day that this summer isn't quite cutting it. that's right, WE did. i mean, this summer has had its moments of fun, but -- look -- for many of us, next summer at this time will be miserable. we'll be studying for the bar, we'll be stress-eating, maybe even stress-dating... so this summer has to be fantastic. the rest of this summer, rather. do you realize it's well past half over?

at any rate, the rest of summer must be FUNNER than the first half has been. who's with me?

i'm learning that fun isn't difficult to find, if you just get off your fat junk and seek it out. like the way cpg has become a happy hour scavenger! if there's a good happy hour, with drink specials and free hors d'oeuvres, she'll find it. and we'll be there. and maybe they won't all be as fabulous as today's happy hour at the prime rib (i actually had to come home from work and dress up MORE for it), but happy hour is like pizza - even bad happy hour is good happy hour. my top hora feliz pick of the summer, thus far? tavern 17. it's all about the sliders.

you know what else is fun? finally, after two years living in this city and going out in the gayborhood (for any oblivious hetero readers, that's the homo-ful section of the city, AKA washington square west), i finally found the remix (again, for you guys, you should know the gays love their remixes. they remix everything - even dance tracks already mixed for dancing) of neil diamond's "sweet caroline" (now i REALLY feel like i have some explaining to do, but if you were to go to tavern on camac [gay bar] on a friday night, you would hear this awesome remix, and everyone around you would sing along and literally laugh with enjoyment. maybe you have to be there...) so i finally found it, and it's one of my new running mix favorites. i'm even learning the lyrics, which have long eluded me, much like the lyrics of footloose. in the mood for a little diamond?

* * *
but now i look at the night
and it don't seem so lonely.
we fill it up with only two
and when i hurt
hurtin runs off my shoulders.
how can i hurt when i'm with you?
* * *

thanks, neil. that was great. but back to the fun... ooh, if you haven't seen harry potter yet, or twice, then i recommend you head on over to your friendly cinema de luxe and watch it. t recommended it to me, saying "it's the best one yet." and i second that emotion. i thought it was fantastic. that hermoine is so damn hot. she's like a female version of keira knightly. and don't even get me started on harry. am i right, ladies?

...too soon?

parties. let's have more parties. more parties all around! cpgb and atticus and i are planning one for mid-august to celebrate our joint birthdays (exactly one month apart). speaking of birthdays... i'm a week away from being half a century old. 25 years. old. 25. and what do i have to show for it? nothing more than a hot car, a mansion shared with all my friends, and a nice rack -- oh, wait, no. i was getting myself confused with 'the girls next door.' again.

slightly off topic, is nicole richie really pregnant? is that physically possible? can substance-abusing anorexics carry children? it seems so wrong. though i have to say, i think she'd be a very fun mom. she's got wit, which is more than i can say for that other blonde coke whore - what's her name? oh yeah - kirsten dunst. yeah, you thought i was going to say paris. but i hate kirsten more. waaay more. so even when she's completely irrelevant (always), i will find ways to bring up her name, and my hatred thereof, in conversation. or blogs. blog, i guess. singular.

oh, speaking of fun - ENTOURAGE - it's my world. i haven't yet finished season 2, but i started at the beginning, and i can tell you already that i am in for the long haul. yee-haw! this is quality tv. oh, wait --- it's not tv. it's HBO. i think ENTOURAGE is the antithesis of Sex and the City, but something about it has me (and the roommate) completley hooked.


that's all for now. i should be in bed.

what more do you want? the lyrics of footloose? even i can't help with that... just be content with neil diamond!

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July 6, 2007 - Friday


breaking up is easy to do
Current mood: optimistic

"what is going on?" my roommate asked the other day. "it seems like everyone is breaking up!" she's right, you know. she's right. in the past month, five couples in my friend-circles alone have called it quits. is it the summer heat?

another friend said to me yesterday, "breaking up basically just... sucks." now, i know that doesn't sound like much. but you should know that it came out of a straight guy's mouth. so it was actually pretty deep. it does "suck," doesn't it? and every one is unique. every end (or hiatus) has its quirks and charms, masked by heavy but ephemeral emotion.

one of my best friends ended a long-term relationship, and i know she's strugglin'. but she's honest enough with herself to admit that it probably isn't over for good. when you've been with someone for a couple years, it's difficult to just let go. and you don't have to if you're not ready, dearest. just make sure it's a healthy situation. (hint: it rarely is).

another good friend had a sort of friend break-up. what is a friend break-up, you ask? it's saying, "i don't think we're friend material, let alone dating material. let's see films with other people." like walking through a mine field. but i think my friend executed it gracefully. you gotta do what you gotta do.

come to think of it, i myself went through a break-up not too long ago -- on valentine's day, quite ironically. (though i bet if we polled enough people, we'd find that quite a few relationships stall out on the v-day hill, and it's not so surprising after all). but yes, it occurred on that most romantic of days, which made it just a little more emotional. fortunately, just as tears were welling up and the sadness settled in, my iTunes in the background began playing laura branigan's "how am i supposed to live without you?" immediately, glum faces begain laughing hysterically. a romantic comedy couldn't have been scripted with better timing. and as we laughed, i knew we'd be good friends. ((p.s. don't judge me for having laura on my laptop. you know you have some embarrassing ish on yours, too!))

as i go through these stories, it occurs to me that they're not sad. hm. well, what do you know? maybe that straight guy was wrong. maybe they don't suck so badly. in my favorite of all his plays, billy shakespeare wrote, "the course of true love never did run smooth." sometimes i think billy was onto something, but other times i disagree totally.

call me a romantic, but i think true love is effortless, like a petal falling from a flower (thanks, kelly). i think true love is silly and happy, like staying up all night quizzing one another from the english-spanish diccionario - or night sledding turned into snow wrestling and hugging - or finding a deserted parking lot to kiss in like innocent middle-schoolers. that's true love, and it was as smooth as smooth can be, shakespeare.

all this nostalgia reminds me, i enjoyed this year's hot, humid independence day in a cool and clean (well, somewhat clean - effing gum everywhere) movie theater watching EVENING, starring claire danes (AKA ugly crier), meryl streep (she was in it for only 2 minutes. booo), and the unknown but absurdly beautiful hugh dancy (i repeat: beautiful. only because i have the parenthetical thing going on here). at any rate, the reason my july 4th activities are relevant is that as the main character is dying (i didn't just give anything away, so don't freak out), she says to her daughters that there are no mistakes in life.

hmm.... if i had to sum up what i got from the movie, in a nutshell, i would tell you this: in the end, a lot of what has transpired won't matter. but it's still very important that a lot transpire while you live. capice?

life is for the living, as i've said for years. so enjoy your so-called mistakes, and enjoy your break-ups. it's all in good fun.

and when true love comes along, you'll know it. it will melt like ice cream and taste just as sweet.

mmmm ice cream...

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June 27, 2007 - Wednesday


buddha says...
Current mood: okay

i really need a moment of zen right now, or i might set something on fire. do you know that feeling?

let's take a moment and meditate on a few positive thoughts:

Live your life in happiness, even though those around you lead lives which are unhealthy, and wish to spread their illness to you. Be happiness itself. - Buddha


But if you do not find an intelligent companion, a wise and well-behaved person going the same way as yourself, then go on your way alone, like a king abandoning a conquered kingdom, or like a great elephant in the deep forest. - Buddha


thanks, buddha. i feel better now.


* * *


in other news, i love kelly's new album. and so does everybody else. they told me so. i think it is genuinely very good and very different (though you'll still taste a subtle hint of bitterness reminiscent of BREAKAWAY). if you're a downloader, i suggest you snag MAYBE and HOW I FEEL. they're my initial favorites.

i'm assuming you've already downloaded SOBER. oh, you didn't? well, then... do it. NOW.



how i feel

...

oh, another dead end - again
oh, I'm getting tired of believing
even sicker of pretending
that it's not so bad, just wait it out
oh, I think you're feeding me lies again
the only good man left wasn't him
and that's how I feel right now

bitter pill that I've swallowed
just how low can my heart sink
fairy tales from so long ago
save them for someone that's not smart enough to know
...


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June 21, 2007 - Thursday


sober, but rambling as if i weren't
Current mood: satisfied

sober.
she sang, "and i know it's never really over." but sometimes, kelly, it is over.whether you like it or not. and you just know it. sober after all these years.

my city.
tonight, as i sat at a table of people from the west coast, listening to them complain about philadelphia (of course they're entitled to their own opinions, and i love them despite their b*tching :-), i realized how much i love this city. this is my home. and with the exception of the last few months, these two years here have honestly been the happiest time of my life. for now, this is my city. anyone who doesn't like it should probably move. except you, andrea. and you, fejes. you kids should really consider staying.

the old college try.
what is failure? it's embarrassing, that's for sure. it's hard to admit failure when you've told people of your success, when you've built up an idea of the future based on success, when you wish you hadn't tried to begin with. but who would we be if we gave up without trying? (the first answer that comes to mind in this case is SMART, but that thinking won't get me anywhere.) we would be weak people. we would never get anywhere. sure, it's humiliating to fail. oh, and you had such high hopes. you convinced yourself that this time you would be successful. but trust me: you are a better person for having tried. maybe you were on a losing team, but you really did give it your all, and you took a lot of hits. get back in the game... on a different team this time.

karaoke.
speaking of humiliating... that was the first and the last time i drink too much, jump up on stage, and make a fool of myself in front of strangers. but the truth is.... the truth is, it was so fun. me and my best bud singing kelly clarkson and asking the MC for more fog. i love those nights when everything makes complete sense AT THE TIME.

furball.
i shaved atticus last night. not bald. not bare. not mr. bigglesworth. i shaved atticus's back and belly with a number 5 buzzer -- same length as his daddy's hair! as fur flew everywhere, atti behaved surprisingly well. i think he even enjoyed it a little. hopefully his shedding will slow down significantly.

excited.
going to visit patricio in 2 days. it's been so long -- 7 months!? that's ridiculous. don't let it happen again.

sleepy.
that's what i'm going to be when i have to wake up for work in 7 hours. i should be in bed.

end.


p.s. danielle reminded me of the saddest and most (only?) memorable moment in the mexican...

"I have to ask you a question. It's a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?"

---"Never."

it's a nice thought, and i agree wholeheartedly - but only where the two people actually love each other.

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June 12, 2007 - Tuesday


ketchup.
Current mood: good

It has been brought to my attention recently that I haven't blogged in quite a while. We all go through slumps, you know? And some days I just have nothing to say -- well, that's not true. I always have something to say. I guess lately I've just been saying them out loud, rather than writing them on here.

So when someone reminded me that I haven't blogged recently, I popped on here to see what's happening. And despite my not having written a word for a month, I can see that people are still reading my blog. NO, i do NOT attribute that to utter boredom at summer job desks. Au contraire! To me, those blog hits mean that there's a need. A desire. A DEMAND for my product. So here I go again on my blog.

I wanted to catch you all up on my life, but the details as of late are too dirty, too nitty gritty, too real-life for you all to handle. So I decided to just do this survey that my buddy P posted. That'll catch you all up.

SURVEY SAYS:

1. Do you still talk to the person you FIRST kissed?
NO, but I still get news from the ONE high school friend with whom I've maintained ties, and from what I've heard, that little girl I kissed in 5th grade is now a fat slut.

And speaking of high school, I'm going home this weekend for the first time since December! I'm excited to see my Ma, my grandma, and Cass (the ONE person from high school who I didn't want to see burned in a tragic late-night post-football game car crash).

2. Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
Well, that's tough. I think I've seen Danielle cry a few times in all these years, but I'm not sure I've seen Eric cry... OH WAIT. Yeah. That's right. There was that one time. And by "one time," I mean EVERY EFFING TIME HE WATCHES OPRAH. But the truth is *blushes* we cry together. That's why we're friends.

3. What kind of vitamins did you take as a kid?
Generic Flinstones, I think. My Ma was always a very thrifty shopper. (Read: we was po'.) We had fun cereals like Rice Cracklies and Honey Nut O's and Lucky Mallows.

4. What was the last food you ate?
Beanless Turkey Chili. What made it chili, I have no idea. Hm. Now that I think of that, I'm kind of p*ssed off. WHERE'S THE CHILI?!?! It was just TURKEY. RED TURKEY. SICK!

5. Did you get any compliments today?
The lovely receptionist in my office compliments me every single morning. Some days I'm really flattered, like when she asked, "Have you been lifting weights?" I blushed and told her my shirt was just tight. (It looked gooood though.)
And some mornings it's more of a commentary, like "Matthew, you look smart with your glasses on."
But she always makes me feel noticed. And that's what I really want: 55 year old women noticing me, and occasionally winking.

6. Did you ever go to court?
Hel-LO. I'm in court all the time. Depositions, mediations, hearings... The courtroom is my third home. Qdoba is the second.

7. Whats the fifth text message in your inbox say?
I absolutely do not have the energy to pick up my phone.

But I will take this opportunity to remind you all that I HATE TEXT MESSAGING. There are a very limited few instances in which receiving a text does not infuriate me and in which I might, if I'm in the best mood of my year, even respond. Those situations are
a) you're very drunk and want to tell me how you really feel
b) you absolutely cannot call, but you need to tell me where to meet you
c) you just deposited $50K into my IRA, because you feel like I deserve a treat
d) you are legally deaf

8. Are you friends with your neighbors?
Don't get me started on the neighbors. About 4 of mine go to Temple Law. They're nice enough, I GUESS.

Where's 9?
I DON'T KNOW, PATRICK, WHERE IS NUMBER 9????? MAYBE YOU COULD FIGURE SH*T LIKE THAT OUT BEFORE YOU NEGLIGENTLY POST INCOMPLETE SURVEYS ON MYSPACE!

10. What languages do your parents speak?
Aw, that reminds me, Patrick, I'm really looking forward to hanging out next weekend. Let's go to the Bronx zoo! Oh, right, you did that without me. Hmmm. Still, totally looking forward to it!

11. What towns have you lived in?
Q: You know what I really hate about Philadelphia?
A: People from New Jersey.
BWAHAHAHAAAA.

12. What's the last piercing you got?
I was 20. Living in Costa Rica. It was before I knew my character. I took it out. END OF DISCUSSION!

14. Do you get distracted easily?
No. I'm not a half-wit.
(No offense to those of you whose doctors told you that you have ADD or ADHD in the ever-growing movement to over-medicate the youth of America in order to sell more prescription drugs.)

16. Do you get jealous easily?
I'm on my sixth consecutive listen of Kelly's new song, SOBER. I like it very much. So chill. I don't think she's ever actually had a drinking problem. (Eating, maybe.) I don't know what this song is really about.

I have a feeling that the alcoholism and sobriety alluded to in this song are actually metaphors for addiction to a person and the release of finally letting go and moving on. Wow. That came out of nowhere. But it actually makes sense, especially considering her ADDICTED song on her previous album, which was about being addicted to a person.

Now I love this song even more.

*three months, and i'm still standing here
three months, and i'm still breathing
three months, and i'm still remembering
three months, and i wake up*


18. Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?
Yes, but with girls involved. WASTE!

19. Have you ever toilet papered someone's house?
Remember how I said I wished almost everyone in my high school would die in a fiery auto accident? Those were the people who toilet-papered people's houses. In a way, I don't really wish they had died. In a way, I get my justice every time I go home and see another one of them working at the supermarket. Wait, does that make me sound like a bad person? Because it's true.

20. Have you ever had a crush on your brother or sister's friends?
Yes. My older brother had some very attractive buddies.

21. Have you ever gone to a beach?
No. I have never been to the beach. Heard about it? Sure. Dreamed about it? Every night! Been there? Never. Because I'm Amish. Stupid.

22. Have you ever had a stalker?
I think I have a stalker right now. You know who you are. *Putting on my new tie.*
Totally joking. 100%.

23. Do you remember your music teacher's name from elementary?
Oh my gosh. I should. I must. The woman loved me because I could sing back then. I sang WE THREE KINGS and RAINBOW CONNECTION in the 4th and 5th grade plays, respectively. I think her first name was Rose. Bless her soul.

24. How good is your eyesight?
I'm squinting to read this. My glasses are about 9 feet away on the counter.
*reaches, unsuccessfully*
*gives up*




Still squinting.

25. Have you ever gone to a party?
I can't keep answering questions like this. Patrick, I blame you.

26. Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
I'm on my 8th listen of SOBER.

27. What would you say if I told you I was in love with your brother?
I'd tell you, SORRY but he's dating a woman who is old enough to be his mother, and it seems as if they're pretty stable after all these years, which makes my Ma feel better, because you KNOW that weirded us all out when he began dating her.

28. Have you ever been out of the country?
Yes.

29. Have you seen one of your best friends naked?
The boys, yes :-) The girls, no thank you. Well, then again, I have seen CPG almost completely naked, if not completely. And last week she accidentally saw my after I got out of the shower. DON"T TELL ANYONE! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! (or so she claims).

30. What's the best wedding you've been to?
Last summer, the wedding of my friends Ed and Danielle. It was a lovely, charming day :-) and I got some play. SLUT I know. I'm just such a romantic...

31. Would your parents be mad if you got arrested for fighting?
i'm a lover.

32. Where are your sibling(s)?
In their respective homes, having dinner, watching tv, playing video games (my brother acts like a 16 year old. what's with adult men playing video games? i think it's absolutely ridiculous).

34. What's the last dream you can remember?
I had a sexy dream about Morgan, who I haven't seen since before I moved to Philadelphia. But she did just post some fun photos on Facebook, and let's face it - she's hot - so I guess that's how it all happened. I'll talk to my therapist about it tomorrow.

35. Who was the last person who called you?
Dooti

36. What time did you wake up this morning?
7:30. It hurts more and more every single day.

37. What are you doing this weekend?
Going home to Honey Grove! Visiting family! Going to a wedding in Johnstown! Doing all my laundry for free! Bringing my car back to Philly.

38. What does the 13th text message in your inbox say?
I... don't have... time.

39. What is the last item of clothing you bought?
Ties. Two of them. Returned one of them the next day. teehee...

40. When was the last time you were really sick?
This spring. For a few days. I blogged about it, unless that was a hallucination.

41. Who's the last celebrity you touched?
Unlike Lee, I didn't see 50 A-Listers last night at the Tony Awards. *gay*

42. What's in your back pocket?
I'm wearing running shorts. I like to pretend that I just got back from a run, but I've just been lounging on my couch.

43. Who is the last person you took a picture with?
CPG. It's my default photo right now. LOOK AT IT!

44. What is the last thing you drank?
Water. Before that? Diet coke this afternoon. Before that? Vodka with lunch. Kidding...?

45. Do you wear colored contacts?
I don't need *squints* contact lenses.

47. What were you doing at 4am this morning?
Probably getting up to use the loo without waking Atti, who was sleeping on my feet and who is currently sleeping on the coffee table beside my propped-up feet. I think he has a foot fetish. Or narcolepsy. Or both.

And on that note...

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May 6, 2007 - Sunday


bouncing...
Current mood: thoughtful

...it's like crashing except you get to do it over and over again.

Your company... the pleasure of your company. I want your input on video rentals. I stand there for hours, I can't pick anything out. I want someone to say goodnight to, a last call of the day.
I don't have a last call of the day. Do you?

*You only took 2 puffs of your last one.
---That's cause I don't really smoke. Yeah, well, last year I started chewing the gum, you know? Because my friend, Donna, she was trying to quit smoking and she found that the gum was soothing to the nerves. So I started chewing it, then I got hooked on the gum and then I got TMJ from the chewing. So this is just to get me off the gum. I'm 10 days off the gum.
*Sounds like a good plan. Next week you'll be on heroin.

* * * *

Bounce.
If you haven't seen it, you should. I love it.
Happy summer.
The end.

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April 23, 2007 - Monday


ranting and raving
Current mood: energetic

je suis desole. i realize i haven't blogged for quite a while. i also realize that some of you HAVE been holding your breath...

it's finals time again, which means i have all the time in the world to blog, or at least it would seem that way looking over my past entries. the moment i'm expected to sit and focus on something, i come up with so many important things to blog about.

i'm probably just feeling blog-deprived, because once again i gave up celeblogs for the duration of finals. that's right - i'll have NO CLUE what is going on with britney's comeback, or whether nicole has actually kicked that little bucket, or anything of the sort (unless, of course, you TELL ME IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING!!!please). i just can't be spending (notice i didn't say "wasting") so much time on blogs this time of the semester. i can't be distracted. i just have to STUDY STUDY STUDY! nothing but study. focus focus focus.

so my new thing is craigslist. i'm obsessed with it. i spend hours a day just looking at people's ads. isn't it amazing what people are buying and selling and looking for and having sex with these days? well, i think so! i mean, anything you want or need - you can find it on craigslist.

well, sir, i'm in the market for entertainment, of which there is a hearty supply on craigslist. i have two favorite categories: *missed connections and *rants and raves.

missed connections are not a new obsession for me. for many moons i have read them religiously, and i am very proud to have found two listings on there about friends of mine. it's fun to call someone and say, "were you at starbucks on 12th last night? because this sounds just like you..." i was right both times. although some of them are painfully generic, i'm occasionally surprised how thoughtful people can be and what emotions a quick glance on the street can stir in a man's romantic little heart. one of my recent favorites read:

***i put something in your pocket. a name. a number. a request. i would love to go have a coffee or just meet up. if one doesn't try, one never knows what could be. i think you are beautiful.***

that's just lovely. and a little spooky, sure, but lovely nonetheless.

oh, but rants and raves are the real fun. ooohhhh yes they are. thousands of people every day have some thought, some criticism, some joke inside of them that they absolutely cannot hold in long enough to tell a real person - or, on a sadder note, maybe these people have no one real to tell - so they rant or rave on craigslist. some are funny. some are terribly pessimistic. many are posted with the obvious and seemingly sole purpose of stirring up dissent (which, if you're idealistic, you'd probably call discussion/ideas/dialogue).

today i read a great one. a man posted all the things he's "OVER" - a long list that included seafood, getting married, American Idol (who isn't?), his brother, the Mighty Mighty BossTones, and white women. his post made me laugh out loud. strangely, i agree with him on almost all of those. bless his heart, the guy just needs a blog.

i was going to come up with a list of rants, but i just decided to stay on the sunny side today, so here are my raves:
*warm afternoon in rittenhouse square with T - lying on a blanket
*qdoba. ohhhhhh qdoba, how i love thee. let me count the ways
*flip flops have officially replaced shoes!
*atticus, my furry little love
*new spring music (thanks P)
*birthday dancing at l'etage
*wearing sunglasses
*summer plans
*SUN


what do YOU have to rant or rave about today?

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April 6, 2007 - Friday


oh happy day
Current mood: excited

hello and good friday to you all!

this is the season of good news, for more than just religious reasons, which are valid but will not be addressed in depth due to the rich, varied spiritual views of my readers, as well as my appreciation and respect for almost all beliefs (i say "almost" because i have a really hard time respecting ridiculous cults - like scientologists - and baptists.) on that note of respect and inclusion, i'll keep my holiday cheer to a minimum: yay Jesus! Hallelujah! that is all, thank you.

i have so many reasons to praise the Lord, but the one i'm most excited about right now...

and i am so delighted to share this with you...

because i've been waiting for it for two years...

two long years of waiting - hoping - praying

and finally the time is here

april 11th - less than one week from now


kelly clarkson will release the first single from her new album

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Friday, March 23, 2007


matthew's favorite things
Current mood: mischievous

YOU get a car! and YOU'RE getting a car!!! and YOU'RE GETTING A CAR!!!!!

okay, we all know i'm a lot like oprah, right? i mean, the poor, deep-southern upbringing, the continuing struggle with my weight, the rise to fame and global popularity, the deep yet effeminate voice... people have told me time and again that oprah and i are practically the same person.

so i thought, iiiiii should do a "favorite things" show, too! because, you know, people are genuinely curious about how we live, what we find interesting, how we spend our money...

needless to say, channel 6 wouldn't give me a time slot, so here i am! MyBlog!

*MATTHEW'S FAVORITE THINGS RIGHT NOW*

MUSIC
first on the list because it pervades every part of my day. i think i would cut myself if i couldn't turn on my iPod and drown out the world for about 2 hours a day while i commute, work out, ignore people i don't want to talk to in the hallways, etc. so there are a few faves here:
1. Lily Allen
bless her heart, she's so cute and unassuming, and the profanity that spews forth from her sweet british tongue really lights up my day. you should download "littlest things" or "everything's just wonderful." i think if anyone could bring the word "twat" back, it's lily.
2. Keith Urban
even though we broke up a couple months ago (because i canNOT date an addict, no matter how sweetly he sings to me), i'm still pretty much obsessed with his music. i haven't gotten bored with his album Be Here in 8 months. that's true love. true love gone bad, but still true love
3. Fergie
okay, first of all, don't judge me. judge yourself. because you know you're feelin' her, too. and can i just say that whoever decided to take a chance on her and play russian roulette with the music industry deserves mad props.
fergie ferg's songs are catchy and fun (fantastic to work out/run to), and people are just eating it up! no one seems to care that the songs are over-produced and fergie spells out everything she sings. g-l-a-m... o-r-ou-s. furthermore, i believe it is a true testament to the open-mindedness and advancement of our society that a transsexual can sell so many millions of albums in the u.s.

BOOKS
i'm a re-reader, so i don't have a who lot of new material for you. in fact, i've got some old material:
A Moveable Feast
Hemingway wrote this when our grandparents were young, but it remains a readable and even relatable book. i think it's full of so much beauty and sensory titillation. as i read it, i'm suddenly strolling through the streets of paris. i'm writing my heart out in small cafes and praying my work pays off in the end. i'm taking the very little money i have in my nearing-poverty-level life and spending it on cheep wine, good beer, and countless books to read. oh, wait, that actually IS my life. but it was Hem's, too, so maybe that's why i relate to it.

IT GIRL
paris is out. nicole is on the verge of death and getting thinner by the minute. britney lost her ish. so who's left?
1. Mary-Kate Olsen
2. Ashley Olsen
since these two are the same person, i'll just do them together. but not in that college boy fantasy sort of way, which probably doesn't happen anymore, since they've become ghostly pale and bobble-headed, but you know it was every dude's fantasy back when the twins were 15 and on some zany vacation-gone-awry in rome or egypt.
everyone has an eating disorder, but these girls are the best. because they stay just on the line, without overeating (like britney, whose purging eventually stopped working) or nicole (whose starvation has turned her into one-eyed willy from the goonies). the olsens know what it takes to stay alive: soy lattes. all the nutrition you could ever need, in a handy, portable white and green starbucks cup. poof! you're still alive!
i think these two have genuine potential for not only staying power but g-l-a-m.... o-r-ou-s power. they're going to rule the world. they just have to get through senior year of college first. BUM-BUMMM.

TV
i don't actually haaaave tv, but i have my ways of keeping up with anything worth watching.
oh yes.... i have my ways....
1. Brothers & Sisters
if you haven't been watching this show, you are a total retard and will kick yourself when you realize how fantastic and engaging it is. i think it will be even better next season, but it is great now, too. i mean, sure, calista flockhart is getting a little thick, and there's only a moderate amount of boy-on-boy love scenes (often involving smith jarrod from sex and the city!), but it's still a fantastic premise, and sally field is in it. who doesn't love gidget?! i mean, right? it's GIDGET!
2. The Sarah Silverman Program
heaven. i'm in heaven when i watch this show. the season was short, but it may have been the highlight of my year. not christmas eve. not my new kitten. definitely not new years' eve. but sarah silverman was pretty much as good as it got. does that make me pathetic? maybe. but you're a whore.
so, as i was saying, even though i LOVE Brothers & Sisters, if both it and TSSP came out on dvd the same day and were the same price ($13.38 at target - and WHY does target do that with its prices? why not round it out with 99 cents like a normal store would?!?! i hate the world!), and i had only $13.38 remaining on my AmEx balance, i would buy TSSP. because it is so funny that anyone who has a heart condition or is carrying a fetus is advised not to watch it.

FOOD
you knew this would be a category, considering my love/hate relationship with anything edible.
1. avocado
it's soft, it's buttery, it's spreadable. it's GOOD FAT! not all fat's bad! cpg has painstakingly taught me how to tell when this succulent little fruit is ripe and what to do with it when it is ripe. her advice: use 1/4 of the avocado to garnish a salad. i hear: make 4 pieces of toast, spread on avocado, salt heavily, and enjoy! wash down with vodka. be fat.
2. chocolate-covered macadamia nuts
you thought choco-covered almonds were as good as it got? well i submit that they are NOT! the much-appreciated caterers at last friday's barrister's ball bought wonderful desserts from philly's beloved Termini Bros. (located in s.philly but also conveniently stationed at reading terminal market!). one of those desserts was my number two food. best thing i've ever eaten. maybe.

PROCRASTINATION TOOLS
of course for this one we all rely on blogs, normally celeblogs, but perez and pink have left me feeling empty and even slightly superficial as of late, so i found a NEW blog:
Towleroad.com
it's mostly gay-oriented, so if you're straight, don't even bother. they won't give you a password until you've PROVEN yourself. it's totally worth checking out, though. it's a little bit entertainment blog, it's a little bit talk soup, it's a little bit anderson cooper 360. i find the combination of politics and hollywood very fulfilling, like a salad that i feel good about eating but that, given all the dressing i just poured over it, is actually not so wholesome in the end. the photos of ricky martin in a speedo doing push-ups add to that feeling.
for all you heterosexuals who feel left out by my treatment of this favorite things category, well... i dunno... don't you have... like... natural reproduction websites to look at or something? maybe something having to do with taking for granted your civil rights? no judgment.

WORDS
there isn't much more to say about this category beyond informing you that my absolute favorite word EVER, this week, is:
SKANK

ACTORS
Jake Gyllenho
although we are no longer lovers, jake and i continue to be the best of friends - - and NOT in the way that tom craze and nicole "botox" kidman are "truly close friends who will always love one another. but actual, close friends.
...back to the point, i saw Zodiac. i liked it. i have no idea what to tell you was the point of the film. i don't know why it was made. it left a lot of questions and after 3 whole hours, had to be wrapped up by a few paragraphs of "updates" telling us where all the characters are NOW. you'd think that, after spending 3 hours in the same seat at the ritz, i might have some sort of closure about at least one character or storyline in the film. WRONG!!!!

ACTRESSES
1. Anyone who is NOT Kirsten D......
anyone who is NOT Kirsten Dunst.
sorry that took two tries, but i threw up half-way through saying it the first time. i know i used to call toni collette "fugmo," but that position on the cabinet of disturbingly ugly, don't-know-why-they're-actresses list has been overtaken by kirsten. she used to be kinda cute. i loved interview with the vampire. i even kinda liked bring it on. but since then, the fugly has been broughten on by the dunst.
and it's getting progressively worse. i think soon her job opportunities will be reduced to "gollum's sister" in the ABC Family spinoff of Lord of the Rings: The Teen Years and "disabled adult female #3" in a low-budget documentary about the effects of fetal alcohol syndrome.
2. Nicole Kidman
i know i called her "botox" above, but i did not mean that to have any negative connotation. in fact, there's such little stigma to cosmetic medicine these days that we would hold it against her if she DIDN'T buy a little botulism every now and again. and no matter what eric says, i think she is absolutely beautiful. i don't think it GETS much more beautiful. is that even possible? probably not. if she were any more beautiful, she would immediately break through to the ugly side, like a runaway 8-year-old tunneling his way to china. and once she arrived on the other side of pretty - namely, UGLY - she would look exactly. like. kirsten dunst.


YOU get a blog! and YOU get a blog and YOU get a blog!!!!!
join us tomorrow, when the cast of "Wild Hogs" flies in on travolta's huge, long, hard jet and all four actors pretend to be heterosexuals so that middle america will still buy their films on dvd!

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Sunday, March 11, 2007


"what's it like not to feel anything?"
Current mood: sleepy

* * *

let's say there was a little girl, and from the time she could understand, she was taught to fear... let's say she was taught to fear daylight.

she was taught that it was her enemy, that it would hurt her.

and then one sunny day, you ask her to go outside and play... and she won't.

you can't be angry at her, can you?

we are who we are. people don't change.

* * *
great expectations.
haven't watched it in so long that i almost forgot how much i love it. i almost forgot why it's one of my favorite movies. ever.

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Tuesday, February 27, 2007


the one you feed
Current mood: mellow

*********************************************************
An old man is teaching his grandson about life.

"A fight is going on inside of me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves.
One wolf is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other wolf is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you--and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old man replied simply, "The one you feed."


***********************************************************
from the book Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life - by Wendy Mass.
i haven't read it, but T has, and she shared this with me.
i am so glad she did.
and i wanted to share it with you.

thanks, T. *baci*

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Wednesday, February 21, 2007


paper cuts.
Current mood: inquisitive

and when it does, those cuts hurt. no matter how small or even invisible they are.

but what i want to know is, who are the people who write those long, redundant, sometimes-thematic myspace surveys that silly myspacers like me and you copy, paste, fill out, and post as bulletins?
please tell me if you know who is doing that.
someone has to know.

i know one thing: we've all heard countless admonitions and lifetime channel tales of the importance of loving yourself. oprah says it almost daily. so does everyone else. according to dr. robin smith (oprah's new favorite guest and dr. phil's replacement), "what self love means is that if i love myself, i'm able, i'm capable, i'm equipped with what it requires to love somebody else." even horse-mouthed closet-case sheryl crow is in on the act. she says, "loving yourself— i think that's so key and that's really what love is. it begins inside." who knew she was a philosopher.

the point is, we hear constantly of the need to love self before loving - in fact, before being capable of loving - another.

but what if that's not the problem? what if you love yourself... a lot? you're okay sleeping in bed alone. you enjoy being with yourself. you love yourself enough that it's ... well... enough. what bearing does that have on your relationships? you can't be accused of not loving yourself too much.

seems like a really appropriate time for an, "i couldn't help but wonder..."


more questions than answers, really. but i never said i had answers.

i do know 3 things, though:
1. i love my catticus
2. i'm ready for spring break (even though i'm not planning a fun vacation)
and
3. my new favorite food is avocado on toast

and i want to know 3 things from you:
1. why do paper cuts hurt so much?
2. who writes those silly myspace surveys?
and
3. who was the last person who texted you and why?

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Friday, February 02, 2007


can't hold me down
Current mood: relieved

date: february 2
weight: 149 lbs (*dancing in my chair)
calories: 560 (bad, since it's only 10 AM)
days of suffering now come to an end: 3

********

I'm sure most of you realized and were quite upset by my absence around these parts over the last few days. First, I would like to assure you that everything is all right, so please calm down. It's okay now. Second, I must say that no one was more upset by the past few days of myspace-less life than myself.

It all began Tuesday morning. I went through my normal AM routine: evacuate, take multivitamin, cuddle atty, check myspace. That's when the day got CRAZY. I tried to log in and NOTHING HAPPENED! I tried again and again and again. Worried that someone had pirated my password, I sent myspace a password request and, sure enough, I was using the correct e-mail and password. I was simply being denied access to my own space.

I felt impotent and out of control. I had been brutally rebuffed by the second or third biggest internet whore, out-used by only Google and Youtube these days. What was going on?

It took 3 days, two pleasant but firm e-mails to myspace customer service, and one ALL-CAPS, frantic e-mail to myspace customer service asking them to stop giving me the same instructions and "troubleshooting tips" over and over again as if I were an illegal immigrant struggling to find the Power button on my laptop. But we finally resolved the issue. Thanks, Myspace customer service! Sorry for the threats... hehe... I guess I got carried away... *uncomfortable smile*

This all seems so tedious and even a bit petty today, since last night I FINALLY was able to log onto Mydearsweetspace - EUREEKA! - but let me tell you: for 3 days, I was strugglin'.

Oh, hm, what else is going on?

Restaurant week = Fun! Twenty Manning. Good. Nice place for a date. School = Okay. Same old. New Job = Very good. I like it. All is well. And how are YOU today? I missed you guys...



Okay, my friend Erin showed me this and I thought it was hilarious and wonderful enough to post on the blizzog...

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Saturday, January 20, 2007


for your information
Current mood: hopeful

date: january 20
weight: 150 lbs (progress!)
calories: 1450 (v. good)
kitty scratches on body: 4 (i trimmed atticus's nails :)
********

"Times can blind us to certain truths and later generations can see that laws once thought necessary and proper in fact serve only to oppress."

marinate on* that for a minute. really. do it. those are the words of the u.s. supreme court, and i think they are some of the most poignant words i've ever read, especially in a homework assignment!

it's rare that homework has an emotional effect on a student, i assume. at least it is rare for me. but a it has occurred a few times: one or two tragic torts cases that brought tears to my eyes first year. a couple groundbreaking civil rights cases that have caused me to feel angry and even hurt by injustice in this world that barely even applies to me. and again this week.

my family law professor loves the gays. we've studied probably 10 cases in the past couple weeks in that class; i think 7 of them have been gay-related. seriously. and this week we read the big one: lawrence v. texas. this is the supreme court case that changed the world (at least in the minds of millions of men and women in this country) in 2003 when it declared to the u.s. that it is no longer acceptable to discriminate against gays. but it didn't stop there.

you see, less than 2 decades earlier, the supreme court held in a case (bowers v. hardwick) that two men don't have a right to have sex. there it was. written in stone, it seemed at the time. they may as well have slapped every gay person in the face while screaming, "your love is invalid." the first time i read that opinion, it hurt. a lot like the first time i read the supreme court case romer v. colorado. did you know that the state of colorado actually passed a constitutional amendment forbidding laws that protect homosexuals from discrimination? when i read that, i thought, "why? why would you prohibit protecting people? why would you purposely send the message that it is okay to discriminate against someone?"

the supreme court struck down that amendment in romer. and then it struck down its own decision in bowers when it decided lawrence v. texas. the court said, "bowers was not correct when it was decided, and it is not correct today. it ought not to remain binding precedent.... [it] should be and now is overruled." and just like that, i believe, the world changed. when the highest court in our nation admitted, "we were wrong," when they said, "we take it back," the world changed.

i'm going to repeat it, just for good measure: "Times can blind us to certain truths and later generations can see that laws once thought necessary and proper in fact serve only to oppress." every time i read this, i can't help but feel that some day, not TOO far into the future, we will look back in disbelief at the unjustified denial of rights to certain minorities. okay, that's all. i just had to share that with you. because some of you might not have know.

you may also not have known that today is dolly parton's birthday!!! it should be a national holiday, but it's NOT. ugh. facist state in which we live! IF YOU CAN EVEN CALL THIS LIVING! okay, truth: i don't even know what facist means, but it sounds like a fitting response to my having to sit in class when a national hero turns 61 (and most of her body parts turn anywhere between 10 and 25 years old, depending when she had the respective jobs done). at any rate, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOLLY!!!

i'm currently listening to the dolly tribute cd "just because i'm a woman" on which female vocalists including melissa ethridge, norah jones, joan osbourne, and even some non-lesbians like shania twain and emmylou harris sing dolly's songs. then again, who isn't singing dolly's songs? you're aware that dolly wrote most of the songs you know the words to, right? like collective soul's "heaven let your light shine down." just one example. one out of thousands. maybe millions. no, probably just thousands. or A thousand. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

okay, it's suddenly very late/early in the morning, and i should be sleeping. i'll leave you tonight/this morning with the lyrics to a wonderful dolly song, one of my new favorites that even borah jones couldn't ruin by singing it on this tribute cd. note: i found these lyrics on cowboylyrics.com - SICK!!!!

************
The Grass is Blue

I've had to think up a way to survive
Since you said it's over
Told me good-bye
I just can't make it one day without you
Unless I pretend that the opposite's true
Rivers flow backwards
Valleys are high
Mountains are level
Truth is a lie
I'm perfectly fine
And I don't miss you
The sky is green
And the grass is blue

How much can a heart and a troubled mind take
Where is that fine line before it all breaks
Can one end their sorrow
Just cross over it
And into that realm of insanity's bliss

There's snow in the tropics
There's ice on the sun
It's hot in the Arctic
And crying is fun
And I'm happy now
And I'm glad we're through
And the sky is green
And the grass is blue

And the rivers flow backwards
And my tears are dry
Swans hate the water
And eagles can't fly
But I'm alright now
Now that I'm over you
And the sky is green
And the grass is blue
And I don't love you
And the grass is blue

************


*although used inconsistently with the literal meaning of marinate, this phrase is one of my new faves ever since t and i watched 'kissing jessica stein'. so i will use it. incorrect as it is. even though i'm normally against that sort of thing :-)

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Wednesday, January 10, 2007


"and just like that, i lost my head"

date: january 10
weight: 154 lbs (good)
calories: 1120 (v. good)
kitty scratches on body: 720 (better than last week)
********

how early does senility usually set in? because i think it has.

yesterday i sat down to do homework for my first civ pro class and realized that i simply hadn't bought the book. i bought books for all my other classes. just not this one. totally skipped my mind.
this morning i left home without my phone. just imagine all the calls i've missed today! my phone's just lying there, in my bedroom. still. just LYING there. ALONE! while i'm at school. for those of you who must have called me today, i apologize. i'll try to get back to all of you within the next couple weeks.

and the final straw came today, as i sat eating lunch. peaceful day. i was just relaxing with my sandwich (turkey, which i'm eating now. but not all meat. mostly because i didn't like the term "vegetarian." it's so 1994.) when an IM popped up on my screen. it basically consisted of:
melanie: where are you? i don't see you in class.
me: what are you talking about? i don't have class
melanie: yes you do! family law
me: *punches self in face for being a complete obliviot*

i told carey that i forgot i had class, and she wasn't the least bit surprised. she added "along with lights and water." i have this horrible habit of leaving home with all the lights on. worse yet, i walk away from the kitchen or bathroom and leave the water running, often full blast. i honestly do not hear it. some nights i lie in bed listening to water running, only to get up and walk into the bathroom to find that i left the faucet on. this isn't normal, is it?

i can't imagine what i'll forget next. i'll probably forget to feed atticus for a few weeks, or i'll lock carey in the refrigerator somehow. my great uncle started peeing in the living room when the alzheimer's set in. i'm scared that peeing on my futon could be my fate. does anyone know where to buy plastic furniture covers?

i should probably get them even if my senility doesn't progress, because atticus is destroying everything in the apartment. i've completely rearranged the furniture, packed away the rugs he was slowly tearing to shreds, and put all household and decorative items on top shelves and in closets. it will be another month before the vet will even consider declawing him. "he has to weigh four pounds," the vet said. i pleaded, "but don't you have mittens or tape or something i can put on his paws for now?" thirty percent of my body is covered in scratches. i'm afraid to tie my shoes for fear of an attack launched from a dark corner. if you have ever had a kitten (or, i guess, a baby with really long, sharp fingernails, or something) then you surely understand. atticus is like a cheetah, but with sharper claws. God love him.

speaking of pain, school is back in swing - and back with a vengeance. there's no easing into spring semester. no way. not for 2L's. first day of school: did you read those 80 pages assigned? second day of school: you have a presentation to give! third day: you should have already started outlining for the final exam. fourth day: i want to die. can it be summer already? or retirement? i'm already senile.

what else is new? um, the new year's diet - excuse me, LIFESTYLE CHANGE - is going really well. it's kind of a complicated regimen, but to sum it up for you: i'm hungry. all the time. and poof! i'm skinny by summer!

but seriously, i just have to break myself of old habits, like eating when i'm hungry. and consuming calories when i eat. today for dinner i had 2 pieces of trident WHITE and a diet soda. (calm down, i'm kidding! i wish i had that kind of will power.)

also, i'm really into 'sam's town' even though i don't really like the killers. hot fuss made my ears bleed. literally. that one time, there was blood. but my long lost love patrick sent me this cd, so i listened to it, and i like it.

but you know what i didn't like? little miss sunshine. will you explain to me what was so great about that movie? because i didn't get it. it's like an inside joke between 150 million people, and i'm left standing there, looking confused, asking, "what? what happened?" it's like that time in elementary school when someone put a note on my back -- it didn't say "kick me." rather, it said "smear the queer." looking back, i see that it was probably meant as a compliment. because that was a popular game. and they wanted me to play, too! i was a very popular 10 year old. i was friends with ALL the girls in my class.

okay, time for trial ad. the fun never ends around here.

by the way, what's new with YOU?

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Monday, December 25, 2006


Christmas in sarajevo
Current mood: cheerful

***************
date: december 25. merry Christmas!!
mood: very merry
weight: 155 lbs (have stopped drinking water b/c adds too many pounds)
cookies eaten: 19 (good, compared to yesterday)
times dial-up internet disconnected today: 4 (v.v. good)
****************

i was going to make a joke about spending Christmas in the middle of nowhere, but it just won't work. because anywhere in bosnia is like new york city compared to honey grove. i always make fun of this little "town" where the roads have no lines on them and the nearest stop light is 20 miles away and "stuck in traffic" means you got caught going 8 m.p.h. behind an amish buggy in a no-passing zone. but the truth is that i love it here. it's quiet and wonderful, and nowhere have i seen stars shine more brightly and clearly than on the top of my little hill, with no lights around for miles.

ma and i spent all day yesterday making cookies and peanut butter fudge. i thought that if i decorated them v. beautifully, i wouldn't want to eat them and, in so doing, ruin the festive cookie display in the dining room. plan worked magnificently. however, there are always a few reject cookies. you know, the ones that stick to the cookie sheet, the ones that don't rise perfectly, the ones that break when you try to put stack them... it was my duty to eat these reject cookies, and i take every job with which i am trusted very seriously.

today my grandma asked me if i have a girlfriend in philadelphia. i told her i am far too busy to have such a thing, as girls are but a tedious frustration to an intellectual such as myself. then the old broad threw me an unanticipated curve ball. mind you, my family members normally aren't ones to push. if we aren't satisfied with an answer, we make up our own minds as to the truth and don't bother inquiring further. that's why i was caught off guard when grandma, sly old fox, asked: "will you still be too busy for a girlfriend after you graduate?"

when i got home this evening the house smelled of shrimp and snow crabs. *gags* my brother's live-in lover reminded me that she made her stuffed mushrooms. yay! i had to explain once again that i can't eat stuffed stuffed mushrooms because they are on the vomit list. the list of foods that have erupted out of my stomach and shall never again be wittingly placed inside my mouth. also on the list: popcorn shrimp (partly explains above gag), maraschino cherries, and mojitos. i shudder at the thought of such foods. i am lucky enough to have strange and generally unpleasant foods on my vomit list. patrick's VL, for example, includes lettuce. just imagine! never eating lettuce again...

today i saw a commercial for an men's electric "body groomer." i guess straight men are now shaving their jiggly bits, which gay men have been doing for decades. to all my straight female readers i say congratulations! for all the hair removal you monkeys do, you deserve a little consideration in return. however, to all my straight male holly-come-lately-shavers out there, don't be fooled by this commercial for an expensive Philips body groomer. you can get just as effective a shave by using common appliances you already have in your house, such as your brother's mustache trimmer, your roommate's scissors, and the family hair clippers. just be careful and think before trimming.

i was hoping for snow this Christmas, but i guess i shouldn't be greedy. i've gotten so many great gifts this year, including a lot of wonderful friendships. *awwwww* but seriously, i'm the luckiest. and i hope YOU have a merry Christmas!

*alternatively, for my jewish readers, whose holiday is equally valid, though not quite as ostentatious or, presumably, fun, as the Christian holiday, i wish you a belated happy chanukah! love and latkes to you!*

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Sunday, December 17, 2006


insomniac's wish list
Current mood: nerdy

date: december 17.....weight: 156 lbs (ok, considering)... calories: 2938 (studied at home all day, elastic-waist pajamas, ice cream. v.v. bad.)... times checked myspace while should have been studying: 39 (v. good)... days since have given up celeblogs, cold turkey: 21 (v.v. good).

exactly one week until Christmas, so i have decided to make my wish list. because if i don't ask for what i want, i almost certainly won't get it. because 'tis the season for wishing. because it's 2 AM, i'm completely wired, and i know that going to bed right now would be a waste of time.

carey and i studied tax all day. really... allllll day. didn't bother changing out of pajamas or doing hair; just sat with outlines and highlighters for 14 hours. my apartment reeks of nerd. just one more exam, though - on monday. although finals aren't over yet, in my imagination i'm already a million miles away. one second i'm fantasizing about monday night's celebration, whatever that may include (taylor, lesley, what are you ladies doing monday? get at me.), the next i'm at a crazy dinner table in jersey (oh gosh, wednesday night!), and the next i'm mentally shopping for gifts (am thinking of getting ma a rice cooker, which i've been wanting, because i know she'll never use it, and within a year i can surreptitiously remove it from her home and bring it to mine). and right this second, i'm watching the devil wears prada. again. meryl streep is fantastic. i'm working on a plan to be the male miranda priestley. i realize it may involve a contract for the sale of my soul. "by all means, move at a glacial pace. you know how that thrills me." just wonderful.

in other news, have replaced water with sprite zero, and skin looks fantastic - imagine that!

the point is, i'm excited about the holiday season. this evening when i ran down the street to buy the largest container of ice cream that i could find ( it was 1/2 the fat, so naturally i ate two bowls), there were so many people out and about, on their ways to the kimmel center or to dinner, and i suddenly remembered: today's saturday! it's saturday and it's almost Christmas! so i began putting together a list, just a few, simple things.

All I Want for Christmas is... *One all-expense paid trip to Paris (really should've gone in july); *my effing package from amazon.com (i ordered something almost a month ago, and it's lost in mail world); *A stairmaster in my apartment; *A's on two finals (that's not asking much, is it???), To lose 45 lbs; *A nice, cute Jewish boy - not for me, but for my roommate; *Peace on earth; *A roaring good time with the urban fam on new year's eve; *A fourth Starbucks within 2 blocks of my apartment, just for good measure; *Carey to finally make me quiche; *Ally McBeal to be released on DVD; *Botox for the brow wrinkle; *Curly hair, just for a couple months...

that's all.

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Monday, December 11, 2006


i needed a fix
Current mood: scared

date: december 11....mood: zombie.....weight: 155 lb... calories: 2100 (stress eating: 1/2 a digiorno pizza for breakfast, qdoba for lunch. again. ugh.)... times checked myspace while should have been studying: 1945.

just minutes until my first final. i'm in the room. i'm in the chair. i will spend the next 4.5 hours here. good thing this chair is well-padded, because my fat gadunkadunk falls asleep really quickly. must go to gym after final. must go to gym after final. want to take nap after final.

in these last few minutes, you might expect that i would, or at least should, be studying - some last-minute cramming, maybe? one last skim through my crim pro outline? quizzing myself on miranda warnings and 5th amendment rights? no. nothing of the sort. while the girl to my left frantically highlights cases in her text book, poor dear, i sit here blogging. because this is what i need. because i am different. because if i don't, i could effing lose it.

these moments of zen and avoidance are what keep it all together, at least for me. there really is no benefit in panicking, or even in last-minute cramming. i always say to myself, "listen, handsome, if you don't know it by now, you're NOT going to know it. so pack it up!" and then i feel better. because hopelessness is so much more comforting than wondering if i could have done more. i refuse to spend my life questioning what more i could do, because that leads to endless cycles of hope and persistence and, presumably, quite tiring aspiration. i don't... have... time.

i slept about 2 hours last night, and i'm more awake than i normally am after sleeping 10 hours. what do you think that's about? is it just the effects of my hot green tea (which my starbucks thermos promises to keep warm for at least 5 hours)? no. is it the buzz i get from a qdoburrito? no. well, maybe a little bit. but mostly, i think it is the adrenaline-pumping reaction to primal law student fear.

this blog, by the way, is coming to you from T's laptop, instead of mine... in case you wondered why it smelled different. i am not used to the positioning of the mouse pad, and i keep scrolling up and typing in the first line of the blog. why did HP put the mousepad directly under my right thumb? i have no idea. but BIG UPS TO T for letting me borrow her baby! wait, if this is her baby, i think she's having an PC-abortion and trying again for christmas, because she's getting a new laptop. but whatever, this blog isn't about her.

okay, kids, i'll see you all on the other end. for you other law students, i hope your exams go really well (unless you're in my classes). for you non-law students, i hope you're enjoying this christmas season. someone needs to.

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Wednesday, December 06, 2006


it's the most wonderful time of the year
Current mood: lethargic

date: december 6
mood: lazy but good
weight: 154 (ugh. spontaneously gained 2 lbs during the night.)
alcohol units: 0 (v. good. finals abstention!)
calories: 450 (healthy breakfast of raisin bran... and popcorn)
minutes wasted when should be studying: 70
***
oh, the beauty of finals time. no classes to attend. no reading to do. nothing between you and a thousand pages of outlines to learn in the next week. it's a beautiful thing, putting all your energy and focus into preparation for the cold-sweat-soaked, anxiety-filled, chew-your-fingernails-to-the-cuticle, four hours of glory we call a final exam.

i.... am.... excited.

actually, i'm trying not to be stressed about finals. i mean, it's just an exam, right? at this point in our academic careers, we've taken hundreds. i can't figure out why every test seems twice as terrifying as the last. so our first jobs, maybe even our futures, depend on these grades - the grades from these exams - as in, how hard we study right now will determine our professional success - future - job - how do you feel NOW?

so back to not stressing out: i think the the key is good time management, along with a healthy diet (i, for one, find comfort in burritos), lots of exercise (i skipped the gym last night), and a strict focus on school work (i mean, when i'm not updating my blog).

for example, instead of studying this morning, i watched almost every dolly video on youtube. there are 1478 of them. i may have missed one or two. some of them were fascinating because they were from the late 60's and 70's, when dolly was chubby and looked about 30 years older than she does in 2006. some of them were bizarre, like dolly singing with boy george (she loves the gays). a few of them i thought were just great, so i've added them below... in case you, too, are in the mood to procrastinate.


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Thursday, November 30, 2006


if this is the end
Current mood: optimistic

date: november 30
mood: very upbeat.
weight: 152 lbs (owe loss to a combination of IBS-inducing anxiety over trial and happiness in personal life).
alcohol units: 1 (unless you count vodka sauce on pasta, which you DON'T, because it doesn't even give you a buzz, no matter how much you drink. you KNOW i tried.)
calories: 1234.


i probably don't have to tell you this, but the world is coming to an end. i predict that this will occur very soon, and for several good reasons:
1. as i sit in my living room, christmas lights lit up and wrapped around my banister, listening to my second favorite Christmas song ever (britney's 'my only wish this year' - which may have been the most wonderful thing she has ever produced, not excluding her two children and an amazingly trashy and effective media frenzy every time she takes a step), it is almost 70 degrees outside. december first, and people are wearing shorts and t-shirts outside. i had to sit in class today and listen to two chicks squawk about one of them wearing flip-flops ("OMIGOSH i was GOING TO but just couldn't BRING MYSELF TO, i mean, it's DECEMBER!") this is all wrong. next week it's supposed to snow. the week after that, fire will rain down from the heavens.

2. i thought my life was over today because Qdoba (AKA heaven on earth) was giving away free anything-you-want for their grand opening, and i had to go to class. i seriously thought i would die of a broken heart, but somehow i made it through. still, i grieve.

by the way, hanson - 'baby please come home' - is now playing in my ears. and, no, that is not a sign that the world is ending. i really love my christmas playlist and am glad that in july, when i bought my iPod, i had the foresight to create it. my third favorite christmas song has got to be 'last christmas,' either the george michael or the savage garden version. just beautiful. of course my first is 'o holy night,' almost any version i hear, but not enya's - oh, no, not enya's. not this year. *shudders*

3. i have decided to give up celeblogs ---------- i know, right?! what am i thinking?!?! maybe for lent.

i was distracted in criminal procedure today by the very attractive man who sits in front of me and looks just like a less-nerdy version of carlton from fresh prince, if you can remember back that far. the thing is, the background/desktop on his laptop is a photo of his son, a boy of about 7 years old, smiling. the cutest photo ever. this daddy is so proud of his little boy; i just think it's beautiful. he's married. *rolling eyes*

4. despite the fact that i looked completely gross today, someone told me "you look nice today" out of the blue. i swear i wasn't fishing for it! i was wearing old, faded jeans i got for christmas '01 (NO JOKE! they're my favorite pair), a zippy, and my favorite t-shirt, which says TOO FAT TO FUNCTION.

the point is that the world is going to end.

now i have a confession, or maybe a concession, to make:
i had an amazing workout today - cardio. first i did the usual 40 minutes, but then i thought, "hm... i could try the stairmaster."
now... this is the machine that i make fun of carey for using, the machine i say is a waste of time, where girls go to bounce for a few minutes and not move too much while they read US Weekly (not that there's anything wrong with that, eric). i thought it was a completely useless joke of a workout machine and that, because i do not have big boobs, i would barely even feel the machine move.
i did 10 minutes.
i almost died.
okay, roommate, i can admit when i'm wrong. it was an amazing workout. i supposedly climbed 52 floors and burned 120 calories in only 10 minutes. you were right.
then again, i did a level 7 workout, and for all i know, you girls do a level 1... and maybe that's why it was actually effective. in other words, maybe i CAN'T admit when i'm wrong :-)

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Thursday, November 23, 2006


Happy Thursday
Current mood: thankful

it really does feel like a holiday, even though i'm not in holiday mode - or at least i'm trying not to be. no traveling for me, no homecoming. no family dinners. not yet. like last year, i am attempting to delay holiday gratification until after finals.

yet the feeling of holiday is unmistakable and proving impossible to ignore.

i first felt it yesterday at school. the entire law building was quiet. people were around, but it was as if everyone was waiting to be somewhere else. i think that's the way the holidays feel: everyone is preparing for something big in the near future, and some part of them isn't really present. it felt the same way at the grocery store yesterday afternoon. whole foods was frantic in a way i haven't seen since my mom took me to wal-mart just days before the apocalyptic farce that was Y2K.

i thought today would be a quiet day. my apartment was quiet this morning - warm with the glow of christm-- er -- holiday lights i put up. (i "jumped the gun on that one," according to carey.) i expected to continue with my quiet afternoon of studying at starbucks, which should definitely be empty on thanksgiving day, right? because everyone is eating with family, right? i might even have the coffee shop to myself, right? wrong. the line was out the door when i arrived. every table and every comfy armchair was taken. i ordered my soy latte and then hovered over an increasingly uncomfortable lady until she finally packed up and left. score! i got a window seat.

around me people are working on lap-tops. i am one of three law students in the cafe: one is a 3L at temple, the other i recognize as a law student only because he's reading from one of those notoriously ugly, large, red law books no one except a law student would own.

the baristas seem annoyed; each one has somewhere else to be, for sure. i asked one of them what time the store is open until today, and his reply was "for-ev-er," which made me think of the sandlot, which i haven't seen in probably 10 years. i remember being in their place, working on thanksgiving, wishing i were home, asking, "who the eff comes to starbucks on thanksgiving?" i gave a big tip just to make myself feel better about being one of THOSE people i never imagined i would become.

since i haven't done well at avoiding the holiday spirit, i may as well just indulge. here goes:
this thanksgiving i am thankful for:
my brilliant life, full of lovely friends (some of whom i had so much fun with last night)
an urban family i love
a mom who is understanding enough not to give me a hard time for staying in philly to study instead of coming home
my new brown sweater, which i love
a precious roommate who is a fabulous cook and will spend hours today preparing a traditional thanksgiving feast (yams, quinoa, banana bread, corn, tofurkey, and stuffing)
the prospect of snow, which could arrive any day now
and last but certainly not least, champagne to toast a quiet but definitely holiday dinner this evening :-)

now i'm going to get back to outlining. happy tofurkey day to you all!


*side note: tomorrow we can begin listening to christmas music (as if some of us haven't already done so in the past few weeks. you know who you are.)

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Thursday, November 16, 2006


better to have loved and lost
Current mood: thoughtful

how trite. it's probably one of my least favorite cliches. yet in the back of my mind, i continue to think, 'how true.' i mention it only because the phrase keeps coming up. it came up last night in conversation over wine. then today i was in the shower, my mind wandering; i became warmly nostalgic, and the phrase dripped into my head. and just about an hour ago i was chatting with a friend who used the expression. now rent lyrics are floating around my head:
~
so you think, might as well
dance a tango to hell
at least i'll have tangoed at all
~
so here i sit, contemplating love lost...or tossed away.

whatever happened to it, you should never regret love. it wasn't a waste of time, though i'm sure we've all wished we could get some of that time back. okay, maybe some relationships deserve a tiny bit of regret - like the tumultuous, on-again-off-again kind, where years were seemingly wasted and nothing has even come of it. but every now and then, even one of those crazy relationships turns into a beautiful friendship between two people who know one another better than anyone else around them. that's the kind of love that should never be regretted.

and i refuse to regret falling in love, silly as it may seem in retrospect, such as when a summer fling ends and the parties involved part ways. it was still worth it. falling in love on il ponte vecchio is worth every ounce of frustration that follows. i promise. just remember that rush of air, those daydreams, those "what ifs." that's quality time - with yourself, sure, but still quality. not wasted at all. you were happy. and that should never be regretted.


i have so much work to do right now. outlining, reading for classes tomorrow. it's 10:30 and i have at least 2 more hours of reading. so, naturally i decided this was the right time to pull out some old journals. flashback to november 16, 2003. only 3 years ago - feels like a lifetime. i was keeping a journal while living in costa rica. i was having a bad day, it just so happens. emotional over love and missing home. what a coincidence. what silliness. but it's not worth regretting. that's what i'm here to say.

love is what we do, and it's what we live for. i have a sneaking suspicion that, in the end, we'll realize that it's all that mattered the entire time.


but then, i really don't know love at all.

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006


"i just have a lot of feelings"
Current mood: discontent

five minutes until class begins, and i am currently filled with a foreign substance that i understand to be called emotion, mostly because i'm tired of school and work, and i'm ready for christmas and staying in bed until noon, just for a couple of days, i'm not lazy, i just want a vacation, but who doesn't, and who do i think i am for voicing a desire that everyone in his or her right mind must have, as if i think i'm so entitled... and i'm so sick of tofu wraps at school, which reminds me: this morning the train car smelled so terrible that carey and i actually got off at the second stop and walked back to another car, and i'm honestly still gagging a little at the thought of that hot ham and cheese on rye, regurgitated, smell - ew - i just threw up a little bit in my mouth, which is how i feel when i think of trial advocacy, too, even though it's supposed to be FUN and exciting, but i want to be GOOD at it, and i don't want to waste precious time in front of my judge, so i will work on that reasonably diligently tonight, after i vote, and NO, you don't KNOW me, and you don't know for whom i will be voting, just because i am a registered republican, and just so you know, i am not voting along party lines, and i see myself as a moderate.... some of you scoff at that, but some of you are obese, and i haven't said anything because i'm SUCH a good friend, and i could lose a few pounds myself, but then again, who couldn't - even the olsen twins could stand to lose a few - i laugh when i remember eric saying that he wanted to be so thin that 'people were concerned' about him, at least then you'd know you are thin, which even the thinnest person refuses to believe, and another thing that makes me laugh is any word that comes out of sarah silverman's mouth, since she is my life's only happiness right now - OH, and you'd think that having a ridiculous amount of work and outlining and studying to do would prevent you from eating a lot, but you would be wrong, because the morningstar farms tofu chicken wings are so delicious that you MAKE TIME for things like that, but it's really difficult to make time for people, and it shouldn't be, but unless that person wants to do something you were planning to do anyway, he or she just can't be a priority, which is what school work and sleep and the gym and class are supposed to be, and right now, that last priority is beginning.

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006


I <3 style="font-weight: bold;">Sunday, October 22, 2006


Via Chinatown Bus
Current mood: mellow

You've got a 50% chance of wanting to kill yourself if you decide to take the budget-friendly Chinatown bus to New York or D.C.

I've ridden it on four occasions, and two of those were good experiences. You really can't beat 10 dollars, and it's really not that different from Greyhound, which is almost as cost-effective and almost certainly equally disgusting.

Two of the bus trips, however, were terrible. I won't go into the literally dirty details, but some of the highlights included a 3-hour-late bus, someone asking me if he could borrow my cell phone (i am pretty sure he called Beijing), a sore neck from trying desperately not to let my hair touch the head rest, and staring in horror as the person beside me flicked something that fell out of his hair.

But, you know, it's all worth it, even with those 50/50 odds. This weekend I Chinatown bussed it up to New York to visit Patrick, one of my best buds from back in the day who has remained one of my favorite boys ever. It was a quick trip, but it was filled with meeting lovely new people, running (and riding) around the city, and enough vodka and cupcakes to keep everyone involved very happy.

Many of you know that I, for one, do not heart New York. But I don't hate it, either. When I begin to get frustrated or disgusted with New York, I just need to get to Central Park and sit for a minute, and the feeling passes. This afternoon Patrick and I grabbed sandwiches and grabbed a bench in the park, sat, ate, chatted, and watched. New Yorkers are vivacious - no doubt about it. They run in the morning, they party until 4 AM, and they are loud. I don't want to live there, but it's a great place to visit and to play. I knew that years ago, but this weekend's visit was the best, by far. It is a beautiful city... in many ways.

I'm glad to live in Philadelphia. I think we residents of this beautiful city take for granted the history, the quiet streets, the reasonable traffic, and the lovely parks. Most of all, I love being able to walk from one side of the city to another. I don't roam around the city enough, I know. I am really lazy and prefer to go to bars and restaurants within 3 blocks of my apartment. The 5-block walk to Eric & Adam's house sometimes makes me wish I had a bicycle. Just laziness. But it's nice to know that, on any given night, there's something going on just a few minutes' walk away - whether on Walnut, on South Street, or in Olde City.

My point is... I had a lovely weekend, yet I am glad to live in Philadelphia, and I'm excited for the day when I don't feel guilty about paying Amtrak's ridiculous fares to get me to the people whom I love (and really would like to visit more frequently). Oh, oops. That's three points.

It's been a long weekend, and I just realized that I haven't done any school work since last Wednesday. I really need to get busy. But not now. Not tonight. I'm tired now. Tomorrow I'll get back to reality.

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Sunday, October 15, 2006


Walking In Memphis
Current mood: nostalgic

Dear friend,

This song always reminds me of you -- not because you introduced me to it ( although you did introduce me to so much of the music that I have loved, like Damien Rice, The Cobbletones, Guster, Dashboard, and pretty much every rap song I've ever known the lyrics to). In fact, I introduced you to this song. But it reminds me of you because it makes me nostalgic for how young and silly we were back at Grove City.

I am sure it reminds you of some sad times, like the night I had it playing on repeat as you cried in my room. But I hope it reminds you of good times as well. Just think -- how many times did you crawl through my dorm room window? We were like a Mariah Carey video, minus the romance. If the wrong person had seen you crawling through my window or sneaking out of the building in the morning, we both could have been expelled. I think that's what made it so special. Boys and girls weren't supposed to be as close as we were -- not at GCC.

So this song reminds me of those days, that spring, the photography studio, working at Pier 1, where the song played every hour or so on the store soundtrack. It reminds me of going for night runs and that disturbingly long bike ride we took when we got lost. Remember that?

How young were we!? They told us to enjoy college because we would miss it later. For a couple of years I thought that was just ridiculous. Who would miss the stress, the studying, the communal showers (which were only fun if the right person was shaving at the same time as me), or the enforcement of religion? Who would miss the rules and the expectations? But I do.

I miss the carefree weekends when there was barely any homework to do. I miss living within a two-minute walk of my close friends. I miss cheap, second-run movies at that weird old theater. I really miss having a meal plan and a gym right beneath where I lived. I miss having time to appreciate a walk at night or a 6-mile run in the afternoon. I miss studying in the most random places, like Ketler Rec, until 4 AM. I miss you.

We grew up. We got apartments. We got jobs. (Though I have since quit mine and moved away.)

Just promise me one thing. Before you turn into an official adult and have a child or something equally unsettling, let's re-live the old days, just for a few moments, to the best of our abilities away from GCC. Promise?

Love,

Matthew

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Friday, October 13, 2006


On Friday the 13th, we could all use some magic in our lives...
Current mood: thoughtful

...some Practical Magic -- one of my favorites.

I'm sharing some of my favorite quotes from it. And unless you're emotionally deaf, they speak for themselves.


"Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean."

"I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for."

"There are some things I know for certain: always throw spilt salt over your left shoulder, keep rosemary by your garden gate, plant lavender for luck, and fall in love whenever you can."

"What are you doing?"
-- "I'm summoning up a true love spell called Amas Spiritas. He can flip pancakes in the air, he will be marvellously kind, and his favourite shape will be a star... AND he'll have one GREEN eye... one BLUE."
"I thought you never wanted to fall in love."
-- "That's the point. The guy I dreamed up doesn't exist..."

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006


Big ups to the nerds!
Current mood: geeky

Greetings from the nerdery, where I spend most of my days. Teresa posted this survey, and I think it's fantastic. I love recommending books to others, and I really appreciate when people give/lend me books they think I will enjoy. If I had more time on my hands, I would try to start a book club, but... you know... school and stuff.

1. One book that changed your life: A Separate Peace, by John Knowles. I saw so much of myself in the main character, Gene, and his relationship with Phineas - the book actually helped me understand myself. "Nothing endures, not a tree, not love, not even a death - by violence." I read it for the first time when I was in high school, but it remains new and readable every time I pick it up.
To a lesser extent, White Oleander also had quite an effect on me, as Astrid tries to overcome the cold-heartedness and games that her mother taught her. The movie is great, also.
Finally, ISHMAEL, which I've read a couple times, expanded my worldview and opened up my mind about issues I never thought to care about - never thought to think about, in fact. It's very philosophical, but an easy read.

2. One book that you've read more than once: Just like T, I have a list of books I've read repeatedly. I love re-reading books, because each time through, I find new things and even a new perspective, depending on where I am in life or where I am that day. As mentioned above, I have re-read A Separate Peace a number of times since high school. Also, I read The Little Prince at least once a year, either in English or Spanish. I know it almost by heart, but I read it anyway.

3. One book you would want on a desert island: I would want One Hundred Years of Solitude/Cien Anos de Soledad, because when I read it, I just wanted to get through the huge and dense thing, and I didn't appreciate it for what it is - amazing, intricate fiction. I think it could keep me entertained for months because it is so interesting and magical and, frankly, DIFFICULT. If you've read it, you understand.

4. One book that made you laugh: All of David Sedaris's books, but ESPECIALLY Me Talk Pretty One Day and, currently, Barrel Fever. I laugh out loud and actually cry - on the subway, in a waiting room, in my bed at night. He is a hilarious writer. I recommend Me Talk Pretty One Day for anyone who wants a fun book of short stories.


5. One book that made you cry: The Pilot's Wife, which is essentially a story of overcoming grief. The main character's husband died in a plane crash. I read this book on a flight to London, and I found myself teary-eyed a number of times.
Also, In The Time of the Butterflies made me cry, as did Cry, the Beloved Country. Those last two were assignments in African/Latin American Literature class, and I felt like quite a tool when my homework made me cry. They were both amazing, though.

6. One book you wish you had written: I wish I had the creativity and the open mind to write a book like Ishmael.
I wish I had the kind of life experiences of Ana Castillo, who wrote The Mixquiahuala Letters - about an amazing, spontaneous, and magical (possibly lesbian) relationship she had with her best friend over the course of several years.

7. One book you wish had never been written: Confessions of an Heiress. Because I die a little more inside every time Paris Hilton is called an author. How much effort did it really take her to hand over some of her childhood photographs while talking about her life to a ghost-writer who turned it into gramatically-correct, standard English and then was never even given credit for his work?

8. One book you are currently reading: Barrel Fever. Slowly. School takes quite a toll on my reading life. I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me.

9. One book you have been meaning to read: I wanted to read The Devil Wears Prada, and at some point I will still read A Million Little Pieces, despite the controversy. Finally, I have known for years that I need to read RUNNING WITH SCISSORS, and now that it is being made into a film, I fear I am going to be too late - same thing that happened with TDWP. I will read RWS over fall break. I WILL.

That's all, friends. Let's all borrow/lend books more often. Reading is fun! Knowledge is power!

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Friday, October 06, 2006


If I just lay here
Current mood: cold

I've spent the entire day in bed. Not for fun, though. *cough* I am sick. Earlier I had a fever, and now I am freezing despite the down comforter, sweat pants, socks, and that long-sleeve soft red shirt I wore to class yesterday and always get compliments on for some strange reason, even though it's not nice at all and cost almost nothing when I bought it on clearance at Urban. My point is, I'm cold. And I have a headache.

I just called my mom, who told me to take a shot of brandy and I would feel better. No joke. The woman probably put it in my bottle when I was young.

I'm not big on medicine, and I think that if I just LIE here all day, I'll get better.

Speaking of lying here ("lay here" is gramatically incorrect, by the way, so if any member of the band Snow Patrol is reading this, SHAME ON YOU!) it always upsets me when a genuinely good song is overplayed and everyone gets sick of it. Chasing Cars is a very good song. You know when every gay boy around puts the same song lyrics in his profile, that song has to be good, if a little melodramatic.

Speaking of songs and melodrama, I'm currently listening to one of the most beautiful songs ever sung. You should download it immediately -- but only if you're in the mood for a moving love song. If you're single and bitter and can't relate to love songs right now, I understand. BELIEVE ME. I UNDERSTAND. The song is A LOVE THAT WILL NEVER GROW OLD by Emmylou Harris. Just download it and tuck it away for some day down the road, when you can listen to it and think of someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. That's what I plan to do.

I don't blog much, I know. Life has been hectic as of late, but I think it's about to slow down. The interviews have passed, moot court is over, and school is calm for a few more weeks until the outlining begins. So now I have to slow down and actually look at my life. It's nice to have time to breathe, but it's a double-edged sword, isn't it?

My apartment is located right beside a law firm's office. When I look out my living room window at night, there are always people sitting in their offices working - at 7 pm, 9 pm, 11... This scares me just a little bit. I know what the future holds, and it's what I want, but I can't help but wonder what life will be like when I'm working 70-hour weeks and don't have time for a spouse or a puppy or prime time television. Actually, it will probably be a lot like my life is now.

My left ear just "popped." All day long I've felt like I am on an international flight, but add constant ringing in each ear and take away the unnervingly yummy food and 8 gay men asking me if I want headphones. So I can finally hear clearly out of one ear. Riddle me this: How do I get the other one to do the same?

I finally got a new phone. My little old Samsung phone had been on the verge of death since the 190th time I dropped it and it rolled under my car in a parking lot, losing a chunk of metal that looked like it was probably necessary. After that the phone still lasted for two months, but this week the screen stopped lighting up, and I couldn't see who was calling me. I had to take my chances and answer blindly, my voice trembling just a little bit, hoping it was someone I actually wanted to talk to. NOT THAT I SCREEN CALLS OR ANYTHING. I hate razrs, but I got one. So far it's the best phone I've ever had. We'll see how long it lasts.

I think it's time for a movie or a nap. Enjoy your weekend. I know I'll enjoy mine... in bed.

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Tuesday, September 26, 2006


it fell

last night was the most beautiful that i have experienced in a while.
it was borderline lovely, which would have put it right up there with that last night in london, running back to piccadilly, holding hands.
except last night i was alone, and that was quite all right.
i say it only because therein lies the distinction between lovely and beautiful.
which brings me back to my point.
i left 1817 and wandered quietly down pine, leaves crunching sporadically beneath my cold feet.
too cold for sandals.
the air was so crisp and clean.
i.
was.
happy.
because i was so over summer.
and it's finally fall.

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Friday, September 22, 2006


i am an idiot

I thought my class this morning was at 9:30... turns out on FRIDAYS it's at 11. I looked like a total douche sitting in the class, looking around and wondering where my classmates were. Plus, I didn't need to get up at 7 AM!!! FOOL!

At any rate, my work is done, I'm ready for class, and I have some time to kill before class begins. Sounds like a perfect opportunity for a survey, no??

I like surveys because (a) they break up the monotony of venting/ranting/raving on a blog and (b) they often give an accurate account of a person's mood and what is going on in his life at the time of the post. So here's a survey my old GCC buddy Jen (who recently found me on Myspace despite my best efforts to hide from people like her :-) posted:

1. How tall are you barefoot?
5'8.5" according to the receptionist at my doctor's office, but she could be on crack. I feel like I'm 5'7"

2. Have you ever been unfaithful in a relationship?
When I was in Costa Rica and carrying on the charade of a long-distance relationship, I kissed a number of Ticos, but they were all gorgeous, so I don't think it counts.

3. Do you own a gun?
I don't like guns. That said, YES. I do happen to own a gun, but only because it is somewhat of a family tradition, and it was my dad's. (Big ups to the NRA!) DON'T JUDGE ME!

4. If you had a mental disorder, what would it be?
I would definitely be bi-polar if I had to classify myself, but that would be an overstatment. Wait, is that what the question meant? If the question means, "if you COULD have a mental disorder, what would it be?", then my answer is clearly anorexia. Gosh, I wish I had the willpower.

5. How many letters are in your crush's first name?
I'm choosing to bypass this question out of its lameness
I just left Jen's answer, because it was perfecto.

6. What do you think of hot dogs??
I haven't had them for a while, but they are one of the very few true loves of my life, right up there with Jacob and Ally McBeal. But a couple weeks ago I found amazing Tofu Dogs at the supermarket, and I ate the entire package within 3 days. Mmm..


7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
Rebecca St James' version of "O Holy Night" - just amazing in every way. Or almost any version of O Holy Night, actually. Oh, and I also love Britney's "My Only Wish This Year," which I should be (but am not) ashamed to admit.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Water, for several reasons. Great for a hangover on the weekends, great for the skin, necessary for taking vitamins, and speeds up the morning BM :-)

9. Do you do push-ups?
Often... but no longer daily.

10. Have you ever done ecstasy?
I've never done any such thing.

11. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
I wish./Sick!

12. Do you like the rain?
Very much so, as long as I can stay inside. Preferably in bed. Preferably with windows open. Preferably somebody brings me pizza and a bed pan, and I never ever have to get out of my bed again. Oh, wait... I went too far.

13. Are you sweet?
I don't trust "sweet."

14. On a scale of 1 to 10(ten being the best) what do u rate yourself?
I don't know what we're talking about. Looks? Intelligence? Ice-skater? I cannot answer this question.

15. Do you have A.D.D?
Not at all. I have great concentration and focus. I sit and read for 9 hours every day.

16. full initials?
MAF

17. Name 4 thoughts at this exact moment.
1) I don't really sit and read for 9 hours per day. Maybe 4 or 5
2) "KILL THE PRIME MINISTER OF MALAYSIA"
3) I could be studying tax.
4) I need a vacation

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought in the past week.
1) Margaritas at el vez last night
2) A decaf grande soy latte yesterday afternoon
3) Dress socks - 6 pairs

19. What CD is in your car right now?
A mix cd I made for my mom to listen to, since I left my car at home and KNOW she's going to be driving it, because it's more fun and better on gas than her beast of a huge SUV.

20. What time did you wake up today?
7 AM because I thought I had class at 9:30 and I WAS WRONG, OKAY!? But I had such a productive morning!

21. Can you spell?
Yes. Always could. It's intuitive. I used to think my classmates were disabled because they couldn't remember/figure out HOW to spell words that made sense to me. Like aardvark and narcissistic. And that was in 4th grade.

22. Current worry?
I... Need... A... Job.

23. Current hate?
Leggings under skirts. WHY?
OMIGOSH JEN I LEFT THIS ANSWER THE SAME BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! And my girlfriends don't get it, but I just can't STAND it. Sorry Teresa and Carey, but everyone thinks that's gross. They told me.

24. Favorite place to be?
Anywhere with my close friends, but preferably a bar or really great restaurant

25. Least favorite place to be?
Waiting for the subway. KILLL ME NOWWWW.

26. Where would you like to go?
Greece. And I might like to go back to London with someone special. I love that city.

27. Do you own slippers?
Yes, comfy grandpa slippers I can't wait to wear in my apt this winter. With pajama bottoms.

28. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
Slaving away in a law firm, having no life, and wearing fabulous clothes to make myself feel better about it. Hopefully I'll be in a relationship, but at the rate I'm going...

29. Do you burn or tan?
Burn burn burn. I haven't been tan for years. I hate the sun.

30. Yellow or blue?
I don't... what?

31. Would you be a pirate?
If one more person says the word "pirate" to me this week I am going to drop something, ask that person to pick it up, and kick him or her in the face while he or she is down there picking up the article that I dropped. WHAT IS IT WITH PIRATES, PEOPLE? DON'T BE MORONS.

32. Last time your phone rang?
It might be better to ask, "Last time your phone DIDN'T ring?" Eh? Get it? Mmhmm.
19 people called me yesterday.

33. What song do you sing in the shower?
Depends. Right now it is probably from Justin's new cd. "lovestoned/Ithinksheknows" is great. Just great. Download it NOW.

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Sasquatch. No joke. After I saw Harry and the Hendersons, I was filled with trepidation for years, and my bed was against my windows, and I grew up in the wilderness with dense trees outside my house, so I would stare outside and think I saw bigfoot walking!!! I'm a little scared just remembering it. But I don't think bigfoot could live in Philly, so I know I'm safe. At least while I'm in the city.

35. What's in your pockets right now?
chapstick. one subway token. my temple ID. and a lot of hope and idealism.

36. What's the last thing that made you laugh?
I LOL'd a few times last night with T and E. About what? Inappropriate comments and my tactlessness. But they love me, so they are very forgiving.


37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
Oscar the Grouch. No joke.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
I have never been hurt. EVER. Nor will I be...

39. Last email?
From a friend, asking about an interview I had this week. I have really great friends

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
One. Any more than one means you are a completely depressed, empty person who iis trying to fill the void with fiction.


41. Favorite song of all time? I have decided that this is a very personal question, and I am no longer going to tell any tom, dick, or harry who comes along.

42. Coke or Pepsi?
NEITHER. Soda is LIQUID SATAN. Read "SKINNY BITCH" - Running Press, 2005, and you'll know what I mean


43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Um.. YEAH. Obviously.

44. Do you wish on stars?
I used to.

45. what is your favorite book?
El Principito/The Little Prince

46. What song did you last hear? "Irreplaceable" Beyonce

47. When were you last kissed?
That is so personal.

48. What is your favorite cereal?
Kashi GO LEAN!

49.What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping. No doubt.

50.What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
What to eat for breakfast and wondering whether Carey was home :-)

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Friday, August 04, 2006


Friday Afternoon Laziness Survey
Current mood: bored

1. What does your MySpace headline mean?
It's a bitter toast that I remember Carey saying one night. I just wanted to add a little attitude to mysweet, nice-guyprofile, I guess. Oh, and I hold grudges. Yes. Serious grudges. ?

2. Elaborate on your default photo:
OH. Okay, well, so... so in this photo... yeah, I was in Rome? And Carey and I were climbing these steps to a cathedral in Capitoline. I guess they're special steps because pilgrims from all over come and walk up them on their knees. But there are SO MANY, right!? It seriously took like THIRTY MINUTES or maybe four minutes to get to the top. Yeah, that's the photo.

3. Who was the last person to make you smile
Wow, I hate to keep saying her name, but Carey e-mailed me at work today and made me laugh. Any time she calls someone a bitch I think it's hilarious.


4. What's your current relationship status
Oh... well, I'm single, as always. But you know... I got ho's in different area codes. As always.

5. What EXACTLY are you wearing right now?
My glasses. And light grey banana republic chinos, brown belt, green banana republic button-down, grey and green socks from the gap, brown dress shoes, grey trunk undies (i totally match, all the time) and NO TIE because it's CASUAL FRIDAY. So TAKE A WALK, BITCHES!!!

6. What is your current problem?
I want to go home, but I have to stay at work for a while longer, and I have lots of obligations coming up in my life, but all I really want to do is lie around for a month, maybe become a shut-in and just lie around forever, until I weigh 1000 lbs and a wall of my home needs to be knocked down to get me out of my bedroom. Yeah, that would solve all my problems.

7. What do you love most?
Sleep. Maybe the cool morning air at 6 AM, before the summer heat drops like a pile of shit onto my day. I'm SO not a summer person.

8. What makes you most happy?
Hm, MOST happy? A lot of things make me happy, but being surrounded by people I love, maybe at a restaurant or bar, just laughing... that's really when I am happiest. Like that night when Eric was visiting from Philly and T and Carey and Jam and PK and Andrea and Bryan and Cat all came over to my apartment just to chill and talk and drink... I was revelling! Now I have an even larger apartment, so there's room for MORE ;-)

9. Do you think someone from the same sex likes you?
I think a lot of boys like me. So what? You wanna fight about it? I can't help that I'm popular, and I don't think I should be punished for being well-liked. I don't think my father, the inventor of toaster strudel, would be too pleased to hear about this.

10. If you could go back in time, and change something, what would that be?
My underwear, this morning, because they are totally riding UP. Oh, and I might have been nicer to some people in high school so that I wouldn't have had to apologize later. Oh, and I might have kept that piercing, just because now I'm like "it would be cool to have a piercing" like the one I had. But you shouldn't live in the past!

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day, what would you be?
Oh, definitely a cat,because I could lie in the sun all day... that would be purrfect. Also, I wouldn't mind being able to lick myself all over... for cleaning purposes, of course. As a bed-ridden shut-in, self-cleaning ability would come in quite handy.

12. Ever have a near death experience?
I was in a terrible car accident and wrecked my little Jetta. I loved that car.It was a total death accident for the car, and I wasn't even scratched. *looks up* Thanks to m' GURARDIAN ANGELS! YEAH. BIG UPS!!!


13. What did you do last night?
Oh here's where it gets depresso. I went home, ate dinner, sat and chatted online, washed the windows in my car, looked at dirty photos online, read ISHMAEL, showered, talked on the phone with Chicago, helped my mom pack for Vegas, made a cd, and went to bed. Yes, okay, my life is BORING and FAT.

14. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head?
The last song I heard this morning before getting out of my car -- WHO KNEW by Pink, which I D/L'd last night before BED. I think it's good, even though it comes from Pink, who is a total closet lesbo and has bad hair.

15. Last thing you ate?
Oh, I packed a fun lunch: yogurt with cereal mixed in (but not mixed until right before I ate it - I didn't want to slurpupa soggy mess), broccoli and ranch dressing, a cheese and broccoli sprout low-carb wrap, and a banana. I'm now burping up broccoli-scented air.

16. Name someone with the same b-day as you?
Amelia Earhart - spooky. J.Lo., who just turned 36 and is looking HOT unlike herfugmo esposo Marco Antonio. Also Coleen Mulhern.

17. Have you ever vandalized someone's private property?
Yes. I was an impressionable child with a delinquent older brother.

18. Have you ever been in a fight?
I fought with my brother. AND in 5th grade I beat up a girl named Katie on the playground because she made fun of my hair. I had a bowl cut, which was TOTALLY COOL back then, and she called me "mushroom head." That bitch. If I ever see her again, I'll CUT HER.

19. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience?
"We Three Kings" with 2 other boys in 4th grade. I was Gaspar, i think. Oh, and my cousin Michaela and I did a duet in 5th grade - it was some extremely gay song, like "a few of my favorite things" or "the rainbow connection." I was GOOOOOD before my you-know-whats dropped and my voice changed.

20. What are you doing tonight?
Dinner with the owner of a restaurant where I used to work. Then maybe watching family guy and finishing Ishmael.

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
I'm not longer drinking caffeine, after reading Skinny Bitch. But normally a grande, nonfat, no-foam, 3-equal latte is the call.

22. Do you have a crush on anybody?
Yes. Very much so. On your MOM. :-) But seriously, yes.

23. Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?
Do 6 months of drunken nights in costa rica count? Dancing until 5 AM, kissing random "Ticos," somehow finding my way home... that was fun.

24. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? Yeah, I used to get "Matt Dillon" a lot, but now I just get "Maggie Gylenhaal" all the time. I've definitely lost my cuteness.

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV show?
I watched SHREK 2 nights ago. Does that count?


26. Did you have braces?
Yes, but only for 8 months to pull my buck teeth back to a more human angle in my mouth.


27. Are you comfortable with your height?
No. It pains me to be freakishly tall. 5'9" is a curse. A CURSE, I tell you!

28. When was the last time you spent the night somewhere?
like... anywhere? I spend the night somewhere every night. Somewhere different? I guess in my new apartment in philly last weekend, or in someone else's new apartment in philly the weekend before?


29. Do you speak any other languages?
Spanish, just enough Italian to point and grunt and get by, and I can read French ( AKA the most illogical language in the world, even worse than the hoots and clickscommon to sometribes in Papua New Guinea)


30. Whats your favorite smell?
any smell that conjures up a good memory or a pleasant emotion - and there are many! smell is very closely linked with memory. did you know that?

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Thursday, July 27, 2006


"Flying while black." WTF??

I thought I should share this article from a Philadelphia newspaper because it is hilarious. The ridiculous puns alone should get the writer beaten until he cries, but that's the not why it is hilarious. Just imagine big, beautiful Monique standing in the aisle of the plane screaming about her hair dryer while a tiny little flight attendant - either the gayest man you have ever seen or a tiny white woman with a sheepish smile and thick ankles - stammers on about post-9/11 safety. HA! Sure, it's a potential case of racial discrimination, but Monique makes everything funnier. Oh, and if you are black, you should no longer fly with United. But what about the rest of us? What about MY hair dryer?? Anyway, read the article.



Mo'Nique is booted off United flight



Philadelphia Daily News

July 26, 2006

WAS Mo'Nique a victim of Flying While Black?

The friendly skies were not too friendly for the "Showtime at the Apollo" host, who got booted from a United Airlines flight Sunday at Chicago O'Hare International Airport, according to a story in the New York Daily News.

She says her ouster was due to racism.

"I felt like I was being treated like an animal," she said. "This happens to black people all the time, and they don't have a voice. I have a voice."

The altercation started, reports the News, over a hair dryer.

Mo'Nique was flying first class. Her stylist was flying coach. But the stylist put the hair dryer in a first-class overhead compartment.

Flight attendants first questioned the stylist, but pressure in the cabin really began to rise when a second flight attendant refused to believe the hair dryer was Mo'Nique's.

"Tell your people that the next time they have an attitude, they are being thrown off... . Since 9-11, we don't play around," one flight attendant allegedly told Mo'Nique.

"Are you equating my hair dryer with 9-11?" Mo'Nique allegedly responded.

Soon after, Mo'Nique was escorted off the plane and Chicago police were called to deal with a "disgruntled and belligerent passenger."

"It was humiliating," she said.

Mo'Nique was flying to New York to co-host "The View" Monday, and she eventually got on the next United flight out of O'Hare.

But she's till peeved.

"I won't (fly United again), and I hope no other black person will fly them either," she told the New York Daily News.



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Thursday, June 29, 2006


new diet

Just two weeks until I return home, and I have failed miserably at my goal of returning to the states less corpulent than when I left. I had such good intentions to exercise and eat sensibly, but my plan was thwarted.

Did you know that the Italian food pyramid includes only 4 food groups? It does; they are: refined carbohydrates, olive oil, gelati, and pork. If I were eating meat at this stage in my life, I would resort to Atkins, but that is really not an option. I can't even fill up on diet soda, since Skinny Bitch brainwashed me and I haven't had a drop of it since the first week of May.

I know what you're thinking -- I should just crash diet for a few weeks once I return home. I will be in Honey Grove an entire month with nothing to do but run on the treadmill and watch E! True Hollywood Stories. But I don't want to wait that long to drop these last, pesky 30 lbs.

Therefore, my only option is to subsist on mineral water and laxatives for the next two weeks. Wish me luck!!

Also, remember to check the Italia blog every now and again. DO IT.

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Monday, June 05, 2006


il blog

Hi, kids... My friends and I are blogging about our time in Italy; also, we'll share digiphotos, so check the blog to see photos and to hear what's up over here. www.camajalini.blogspot.com

Matteo

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Tuesday, May 23, 2006


strollers

as i was running today i crossed paths with 3 mommies pushing 3 babyful strollers around old city

my 10-year plan includes pushing my baby in a stroller on a sunny spring afternoon

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Thursday, May 18, 2006


CH-CH-CH-CHANGES

Life is moving so fast right now, and so much is going on that I can hardly keep up.

Carey and I found an apartment.
After a couple days of frustration, the matter is finished.
And the place is fantastic. Maybe the nicest apartment I've seen in Philadelphia, and that includes a classmate's apt in a high-rise on Rittenhouse Square. No joke. Oh, and I'm not bragging because it's not MINE yet, I'm just telling you all about this beautiful apartment that we saw. So I'm not boasting :-)

But we already put in the deposit, and the apt has been taken off the market, so it's ours.

It's just one block from where I am now, sits directly across Spruce St. from the Kimmel Center, and is half of the top floor of a huge brownstone. It's technically Rittenhouse, because it's on the west side of Broad, so I guess I now live in Rittenhouse instead of the lovely little gaybhorhood.

Okay, about the apartment: First of all, the place is huge. Too much space, maybe. I'll need to buy more furniture. Two big bedrooms. Big living room, nice bathroom with actual counter space, which will be a welcome change. Everything in the apt is new - appliances, granite countertops, ceramic tile bathroom, all of it. All hardwood floors, but carpet in the entryway and up the stairs to the breakfast nook - an actual separate space for a little table, right off the kitchen. Really a cute, interestingly designed apartment. Very nice building, too. Same management co. that Claire rents from, and she says they're fantastic.

This may seem like an exaggeration, but I'm being totally honest: the new apt makes my present apt look like a dirty little hole. So I want to move NOW.

I
AM
EXCITED

The only thing weighing me down is this 10-page piece of crap that's due Tuesday - blah.
But there's too much good stuff going on to focus on that one bad thing, so I'm smiling.

That's all.

My next update will probably be from Rome.

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Saturday, May 13, 2006


the dangers of vodka

First of all, if i were one of the X-Men, my name would be Dehydro. My special powers would be peeing really yellow pee and taking advil.

Second, I woke up with a gash in my left ankle, and I genuinely have no idea where it came from.

Third, last night when I got home I fell face-down onto my hard-wood floor in my living room, a lot like the time that a certain person who shall remain nameless but who will almost certainly read this tripped me at GCC and I flew face-forward to the ground with my arms wide open.

Fourth, I'm beginning to remember making a huge fool of myself by flirting with Tim James, who is straight and is very nice but not even my type in any way.


Liam throws the best parties.

That last one isn't one of the dangers of vodka.

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Thursday, May 11, 2006


i cry freedom!

at this time tomorrow

i will be

finished with my first year

i will be a 2L (TOOl, as Carey would say)

i

am

excited

but there's still one exam in the way of that freedom, so here goes! it's time to show my WHOOP DE WHOO energy and my HEY! HEY! HEY!

you know how it is.

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Thursday, May 04, 2006


it turns out

not even halfway through finals

i'm tired

i'm stressed

i'm sick of studying

but underneath it all, i just realized, i'm really happy

i am the luckiest

and in the spirit of thankfulness, i'm going to follow T's lead and make a 'good things' list. oprah used to call it her gratitude journal

Good Things:

still being in pajamas at 3 pm

finally learning to appreciate the flavor of V8 (so healthy, it's worth the effort)

knowing in a few weeks my best friends ever will be coming to visit

lunch with some lovely girls yesterday (carey, jamila, andrea, liam)

the one really fantastic employee at the starbucks on my block -- the red-headed girl (she encouraged me to try the new papua new guinea - manders, i'm not that impressed, just so you know. though it does taste chocolatey, i think)

watching one of my favorite episodes of w&g, because T's desktop photo made me crave it (the one where grace refuses to get out of bed after her breakup, and everyone crawls into bed with her)

seeing carey be calm and not stressed about finals - reminds me to chill out

running over to penn's landing and back has been a fantastic escape this and last week!

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Saturday, April 29, 2006


gloomy?

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I simply need to spend an afternoon at Starbucks. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons making a quick stop on their way somewhere, mothers and daughters taking a shopping break, husbands and wives stopping in after a show or a nice dinner, boyfriends flirting, girlfriends gossiping, old friends meeting up for coffee...

I spent Friday afternoon sitting at Starbucks with my friends, studying Property, and the place seemed to be the center of the universe. UArts kids were celebrating their final classes. An old woman sat reading the paper and sipping coffee. An old friend stopped in to chat with me and Andrea. A little boy with Spider-Man sneakers waited patiently while his mother got her latte. Outside, couples enjoyed the sun, strolling leisurely. Just an ordinary afternoon, and not a gloomy face in sight.




*some words taken from Love Actually

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Saturday, April 22, 2006


Feelings

It's finals time once again. I foresee in the weeks ahead many long days in the library, many anxious nights, and many trips to 7-Eleven and Starbucks.

So now I'll share my feelings:

I'm a little worried about grades. They just... matter so much! These grades determine our futures, people! Not to freak you out or anything.

I'm also concerned that finals will jack up my Roma diet. So I am promising now, in front of all of you, not to sit and eat all day while I study. I also vow to go to the gym 4 days a week from now until the end of May. There. With myspace buddies as my witness...

Above all, I think I'm excited. The next month is going to be action-packed! 3 weeks of finals! Then a week of the write-on competition. Then Adam and Eric will be here the weekend of the 26th. Ed and Danielle's wedding is the 29th - I'm excited for my first Jewish wedding. And the next morning Carey and I hop a long flight across the Atlantic to Roma. And that's only the beginning. I'm so excited for the adventures ahead. I'm excited to scour Italy for a perfect wedding gift for Manders. I could go on, but I won't.

Now you know what's going on in my life. If I don't talk to some of you for a little while, give me a call. Surely I'll miss you.


"And in case I don't see ya... good afternoon, good evening, and good night."

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Tuesday, April 18, 2006


it turns out...

the ladies in the disco club
ain't the ones to be fallin' in love with

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Friday, April 14, 2006


some thoughts

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life. Unfortunately, as it is finals time once again, the concept of weekends temporarily does not exist. It's okay, though, I'll have a weekend in the middle of May.

This morning I ate a piece of white chocolate strawberry torte for breakfast. It'll probably end up being the highlight of my day.

I think it's time to actually diet. Really, actually monitor and control my eating habits. Exercise really is not enough. Besides, I told Eric that when he lost 8 lbs, I would go on a diet. At this point he's probably lost 10.

I'm going to apply for jobs in DC for next summer. If I summer in DC and get an offer there, then maybe it was meant to be. Or something.

Last night I drank two beers and watched TV before bed, instead of reading Contracts and going right to sleep or running home from the gym, showering, and trying to get my requisite 10 hours. Last night I slept so much better than I normally do. Was it the relaxation or the beer?

I think I like too many people at school - it's distracting. There are too many guys and gals I enjoy talking to, hanging out with, going out with... My grades would be so much better if I didn't have friends.

Yet when I look back at undergrad, I can't help but wish I had not studied so much. Maybe we should have taken more trips, done more shopping, been to Rachel's a few more times. Because when I look back, aside from a few Spanish studying moments with Amanda, I remember not the studying or even what I learned, but rather the fun times, the trips to Canada or Ohio or even Pittsburgh...

I wasted a lot of time in College worrying about having a boyfriend. Ima try not to do that anymore.

I miss Patrick and Zachary a lot. I'm not sure why those guys are in the same category, other than they're both accessible by bus yet I've seen neither of them since the Dec./Jan.

My mom sent me a postcard from Oklahoma, but I haven't gotten it yet. I'll bet money that the postcard is of a) a sunset b) some kind of livestock or c) a studly cowboy wearing chaps with no pants underneath. -HAHA Just kidding!!! (my mom knows I hate livestock)

Here goes Friday...

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Friday, March 24, 2006


sick eric

1. sick

i thought i had the flu
i called my mom crying (more about the fact that rite aid was sold out of cadbury cream eggs than about being sick) and she told me she heard of a 3-day bug going around.
i called her effing crazy (okay, not out loud. she'd slap me through the phone).
turns out the thing lasted only 3 days. moms always know best.
yeah, my throat is still scratchy, and i had a headache all day, but it sure beats the flu!

2. eric
i'm so excited that i want to clench my fists really tight and shake them while squealing.
eric will be here in about 16 hours.
yeah, i know what you're thinking - i get tons of visitors. and it's true. zachary and danielle visit me now and again. ash and dimitri visited me. even my mom's made a trip to philly.
but there's something about one of my very closest buds ever coming for the first time.
you're thinking 'it's about time' -- i know, right?.
i was beginning to re-consider his best-bud status.
i'm questioning whether i'll even refer to amanda as a friend any more, but that's another blog entry. (she's planning her wedding, blah, blah)
but people are busy, and i'm just thankful for the time we have

so here's to a fluless, funful weekend!



just catchin' y'all up!

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Monday, March 20, 2006


What's happening to the world?
Current mood: amused

I've refused to use myspace for so long

I've been vehemently opposed to blogging for so much longer

Today I got myspace, and I think right now I'm blogging

I am a weak, weak man So weak. So so cute -- I MEAN weak!

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