So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Monday, June 20, 2011

outta my, outta my head

basically, i wish that you loved me
i wish that you needed me
i wish that you knew when i said two sugars,
actually i meant three

Kate Nash plays so often on my Pandora stations, regardless whether i've punched in Robyn or Flo+TM.  the first few times i heard her, i thought that Lily Allen was finally singing something nice and not using the f*ck word in a song.*

the more Kate plays, the more her voice and her lyrics grow on me. 

currently, this is my jam.  i'm developing a crush on the idea of having a crush.  


*to be fair, Kate also sings this song.  so basically all British gals have filthy mouths, eh?


Thursday, June 16, 2011

shaw says...

It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.


Monday, June 13, 2011

Debbie is my dream date.

thanks so so much to Colleen for sending this link to me.  it's truly truly truly outrageous.  


Sunday, June 12, 2011

post(ing) secret(s)

no postcards today, as they're all about Father's Day.

instead, my own "secret." on this Hallmark holiday, i send Father's Day cards to my mom.  she was both.  

she always thanks me, but she never expresses how the cards make her feel.  i hope they make her feel strong and good about the job that she did with us boys.  i really don't know.


something different

You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant. It happened to me. 

 -from Life as a House.  <3 that movie. watched it again yesterday, which may have been the laziest day of my life.

Monday, June 6, 2011

post-conversion perspective

tonight i'm thinking way back to the days that i spent writing and re-writing college admissions essays in hopes of being one of the few, the proud to be accepted to study at God's Concentration Camp, where only 20-odd percent of applicants are accepted and where the Lord himself hands you your diploma at your commencement ceremony.  

i wanted to attend GCC for so many reasons, not the least of which was that attendance would guarantee each male alumnus a fulfilling career as either a poor but ecstatic missionary or a wealthy elected official who would represent strong family values but who could still maintain a very private personal life.  the female alumni are promised marriage and pregnancy -- IN THAT ORDER, MIND YOU!-- within months of graduation.  i wanted so badly to be accepted at that particular college that my church family and i prayed over my application.  

i recall writing in my admissions essay about the horrors of growing up personally devoted to Christ while living in a heathen family and attending a secular school.  i thought that i was born into the wrong family.  only by attending a Christian college could i set myself on the right path, could i correct the Lord's unfortunate mistake.

tonight i find myself thankful for being able to grow up free from the shackles of religion, even though i voluntarily chose those shackles for most of my teen years.  i just watched a documentary called "Sons of Perdition" on Oprah's OWN network.*  the docu-film focuses on the lives of several young Mormons (
of a very specific and fanatical sect, i should clarify) who flee from their family compound, are aggressively hunted down by parents and church members who want them to return, and struggle to adjust to life in the real world.  the young men and women learn that once they fall out of grace with their church, they will forever be exiled from not only their communities but also from their own families.  

watching this documentary after watching "Latter Days" (coincidentally, a film about a sexy gay Mormon who is shunned by his church and family.  it was, like, Mormon weekend on tv or something.) over the weekend has reminded me to be thankful for my upbringing.  while my childhood wasn't perfect and though my parents made plenty of mistakes, no one indoctrinated me with religious beliefs until i sought out religion on my own as a teenager.  it was just a phase, and one that my family and close friends were content to see pass -- mostly because i made them feel very uncomfortable when i insisted that we all bow our heads in prayer before meals, despite my being the only person at the table who believed in God.

*that's redundant, i know.

not right now

Do you ever read the Sunday comics?  Well, when I was a little kid, I use to put my nose right up to them. And I was just amazed because it looked like this mass of dots, and none of it made sense until I pulled back. Life looks like that mass of dots to me sometimes. None of it makes any sense, but I like to think that, from God's perspective, life, everything - even this - make sense. It's not just dots. Instead we're all connected, and it's beautiful and funny and good. This close we can't expect it to make sense, not right now. 

-from Latter Days, which i recently watched again after many years.  gay movies are mostly terribly low quality, but this one has its moments.  just a few.


Sunday, June 5, 2011

outta my, outta my head

new Robyn.  i love this girl. 

i also love the way she's rolling around and dancing like a little monkey.  sometimes when i'm home alone i do the same thing.  it's a great way to get amped up before a night out. 


post(ing) secret(s)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

andreas says...

"There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling rain and remember it is enough to be taken care of by myself."

it's been a long short week.  i'm impatient with life, though i am having lots of fun here and now.  

i hate that i can't sleep in past 6:30 on a Saturday morning when i have nothing for which to wake up early. 

also, i have a cold.  my throat hurts.  vodka helps only temporarily, but at least i have that.  

i'm going to spend today taking care of myself.