So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

post(ing) secret(s)

my own secret: 

my mom didn't tell me or my brother when she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  i was away at college, and my brother was distant back then.  

she told us later, after everything had been "taken care of."  when she told us, i was initially upset.  in retrospect, i respect her strength and resolve.  it takes a lot of both to keep secrets, and we were all better off for it.  

i'm a firm believer that most secrets, if kept, hurt no one.

Friday, February 24, 2012

jobs said...

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.  Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking.  Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.  They somehow already know what you truly want to become. 

Saturday, February 18, 2012

my baby wrote me a letter

Dear Matthew,

I know you're trying to cleanse and eat healthy foods and not drink, but I really miss you.  I know you miss me.  I've heard you telling co-workers how much you miss me.  I've seen you staring longingly at the liquor cabinet while you sip sleepytime tea before bed.

Let's hang out tonight.  Just for one night.  I know you have to wake up early.  Honestly, it might hurt in the morning, but you used to think that I'm worth it.  Remember the fun times that we used to have?  

I'll be waiting for you at the bar.




Wednesday, February 15, 2012

palahniuk says...

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.

just putting this out into the universe. to see what it might bring.

'tis the season, right? but then, that's also how i justified buying the bag of amazing, coconut-filled Hershey's kisses that i will finish by the weekend.

Monday, February 13, 2012

post(ing) secret(s)

i'm unable to read letters, e-mails and even texts without mentally covering them in red ink; however, i've never returned an edited love letter to someone.  i've done plenty of other dick-ish things, but not that.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

rule for life #119

When your romantic relationship with a person has come to an end, stop sleeping with that person.

you would think that i would've/should've/could've learned this lesson from my previous two break-ups, but apparently i did not.  one of those break-ups was a tough, tumultuous, 8-year off-and-on debacle, and the other was a year-long experiment in loving a newbie.  in each case i made the almost fatal mistake of continuing to sleep with the person i loved after the relationship ended.

now i'm doing it again.  ugh.  sometimes, i really hate me.  not often, though.  

let me back up.  if you haven't been reading my blog since i moved to the city of Baltimore, you might not know that i've been dating a truly lovely foreign surgeon who told me on our second date that his program was ending within the next year and that he most likely would not be staying in the DC/Metro area.  

now you're caught up, and NO, this is not the plot of a stupid rom-com.  it's real life, y'allz.  oh, also, my new drunkover favorite has changed from P.S. I Love You to The Wedding Date. (i mention this because a lot of my readers e-mail and comment on PSILY posts, regardless of how many times i write them, and i still heart that movie, but, i'm kind of moving on.)

this week we finally had the emotionless, realistic, logical conversation that has been coming for a while: 

D: I'm not going to be staying in Baltimore. 
Me: I assumed as much.  Drat!  Awful.  Do you have any attractive co-workers with whom you might set me up?

that's not exactly how it went, but it's close.  i omitted some tears and also a trip to Hole Foods, during which i spent $40 and after which i had nothing to eat.  isn't that the way with that grocery store?  yes, is your answer.

where was i? oh, we're going to be great friends.  at least until he moves back to whatever country from whence he came.  but there's only one problem:

the sleepovers. 


how do you let go of that thin string of comfort onto which i have a horrible habit of holding?  h h h alliteration is cool.  

why have i not learned my lesson by now?  i'm fully aware that, despite my single and ready to mingle status, i absolutely will NOT mingle while there is the prospect of coming home to a bed filled with him.

in my mind, i'm perfectly free and open to meeting new people.  my body, on the other hand, wants to return to the spoon position to which it has become accustomed in the past 5 months, the annoying snores and nightfarts (mine, not his. just being 100 here) that have become commonplace in either bed, the early morning wake-ups and pager noises that are foreign to anyone outside of the medical field (seriously, why are they still using pagers?  pagers go hand in hand with leeches and blood-letting.  both of those are from the 1990's, right?).  it's comfortable.  why would i expend time and energy on something new?

but then, comfort kept me in an unhappy relationship for 8 years.  comfort kept me from talking to strangers in networking and social situations.  comfort killed the cat (not Atticus. nothing could kill that recovering bulimic).  comfort is a cage.

it's time to get uncomfortable.  i'm going out dancing tonight, and i'm gonna get uncomfortable with some unlucky guys.  wait.... that doesn't sound right.