So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Monday, August 30, 2010

outta my, outta my head

this song is heavenly.  haven't stopped listening for the past week.

that reminds me: i watched 500 Days of Summer again.  so good. also, you guys never answered my question on that post.   

Saturday, August 28, 2010

in this life

note: my blogger buddy LB@30 decided that the blogosphere was getting sleepy this summer, so she took control of the situation and started a Secret Santa project to get us all talking.  she randomly matched up her blogger friends so that we'd give one another assignments. (thanks for all your hard work, dear.  such a fun idea.) today i'm completing my assignment.

Ten Things I Want To Do Before I'm Pushing Up Daisies
1.    i want a baby.  i'll share it if necessary; i just want one.  ask my roommate, i'm baby crazy.  
     unfortunately, Shaunice refuses to get pregnant while she's in law school. selfish.  i always do nice things for her.

2.     i want to live abroad again.  as i was discussing with a few people at a party i attended last night, i think that adults should be able to "study" abroad.  some of the most amazing moments of my life occurred while i lived in Italy and Costa Rica.  i want more.  i have wanderlust so bad.

3.     speaking of that party last night, i want a surprise party at some point in my life.  friends, get on it!  i want to be truly surprised.

4.     i want to go to Ireland with my bff Danielle.  we've been talking about it ever since we were in London back in 2005.  wow, five years already.  where does it go?

5.     i want to completely change my profession.  not just because being a lawyer is boring, but also because life is too long to do just one thing.  

6.     i will, at some point, turn this blog into a book.  not to sell, not for anyone else.  just for me, so that i can remember what i was doing and feeling on, for example, May 20, 2007.  that'll be really fun to read on May 20, 2027.  
     i take trips down memory lane with my travel journals (because i don't date entries in my main journal), and it's so great to read what i was doing and where i was doing it on this date minus five years. 

7.     i want to enter into a legally binding contract that commits a man to me 'til death do us part.

8.     i want to celebrate Atticus Finch's 20th birthday.  he turns 4 in a month and a half, and i think i'm going to throw him a huge party.  

9.   i want to own a boat.  i love boats.  the tough part will be deciding what to name it.  

10.    i want to send my ma on a lavish vacation to Australia.  

    i could go on, but my Secret Santa limited me to 10, and i always follow the rules.

    rumi says...

    Wherever you stand,
    be the soul of that place.


    Wednesday, August 25, 2010

    "On Wednesdays, we wear pink."

    that's me at my new job.  

    "How's that going?" you ask?   welllll i'm going to beg my doctor for Xanax the next time i see him.


    Monday, August 23, 2010

    you always remember your first time.

    A.Sull. over at The Daily Dish was talking about people's first kisses the other day, and it got me thinking about mine.

    my first kiss didn't happen until i was 18 years old (i don't count the years that i spent kissing girls).  i was a freshman at my pretty little Bible college, where i was trying hard to be a GCB.  that's a Good Christian Boy, for those of you who aren't hip to the lingo.   despite all my trying, i failed.  i ended up being a BCB before my first semester of college even ended.

    i blame B.  he was fun and nice to me, and he was so gregarious.  i needed friends like him, even if he was a temptation.  because B was "bi." and one autumn night bi B and i took a walk off campus and talked about our lives. and we stopped by a building along the train tracks. and he pushed me up against the building. and he kissed me.  and i started to cry.  

    what a little mess i was.  i thought that Jesus was watching me and disapproving.  silly, silly boy.  looking back, i'm glad that my first time was with a GCB on a chilly fall night along the train tracks.  i think it was a good kiss, too, though i was shaking and scared and busy manufacturing tears.

    okay, i showed you mine, now you show me yours. i want to know about yours.  seriously, this means that you need to post a comment (anonymously if you wish) and tell me about your first kiss. 

    c'mon, guys.  i don't ask you for much.  do it.

    Sunday, August 22, 2010

    Friday, August 20, 2010

    sad but true

    one of the most embarrassing moments of my life was when my mother walked in on me and my friend Cass acting out scenes from The Little Mermaid -- or as Cass and i used to call it, we were "playing mermaid."

    this unfortunate incident occurred when i was home from college for Christmas break.

    that's all for now.

    Thursday, August 19, 2010

    crash into me

    we'd all like to think of our dating lives as taking place in a vacuum.  

    we'll never run into friends while we're on a date.  we'll never unwittingly date a friend's ex.  and most importantly, we'll never date the same person that an ex-love has dated.

    tonight when i received the text message, "this is the second OkCupid date i've met who has already dated you," it felt as if my separate worlds were crashing in on me.  how could this be? my ex-love, who i loved for so long and who doesn't do online dating silliness like i do, is now being silly and dating, online, people who i've online dated.  ((gulp))

    couldn't he find some other dating website?  couldn't he find some other city?  

    but no, that's not how it works.  i am happy to have an ex-love near me to be a lovely friend, and i'm happy he's dating and meeting good people.  and it was only a matter of time until we overlapped, because there are only so many nice, cute, smart guys in one city.  and apparently i've dated all of them.

    fortunately -- thank Buddha -- both dates told ex-love that i was nice to them, that i am still a friend.*

    everyone is connected -- or will be, sooner or later.  Friendster (remember that site?!?! not if you're under 23!) taught us that.  it would take only a few people to link you up with that guy who was in that low budget movie you liked.  or your ex's ex from 3,000 miles away.  yeah, she's in your network!  and within one city, it's even worse.

    Philly is a small city.  it always happens, eventually.  and it isn't fun; however, i must admit that there's a small comfort in already knowing the person with whom your ex-love is going/has gone on a date.  you can tell yourself, "ohhhhh X won't like that Y does C" or "Y once told me that he likes A and X isn't at all interested in A."  those aren't codes, so don't try to figure them out.  (oh, all right, A was a code.  some people don't like asparagus.  like my friend S, who won't even try it with her boyfriend.)

    tonight the world seems just a little bit smaller than it did yesterday, but it's a nice reminder that what we do will not be contained in a vacuum.  how i treat Mr. Friday could perhaps matter some day, such as when he chats with Mr. Hopefully Next Saturday, or worse yet --- the ex-love. it's dating karma.  what you put out into the dating universe...

    it's a small world.  i don't like it, but that's just the truth.  the only solution is this: let's all try to be nice to one another.  OR just keep moving from city to city (you know i tried!).   

    *i'm glad i called THAT guy...

    Tuesday, August 17, 2010

    Wish List for August 2010

    things i wish:

    i wish J Crew made wrinkle-free shirts.  i wish i didn't have to choose between looking cute and looking professional.

    i wish Vicodin were available over the counter.  and in a chewable, flavored form, come to think of it.

    i wish i would get a job in New England. today.

    i wish the bathroom in my office weren't next to the bookkeeper's desk.  i feel like she's judging me for peeing 300 times a day. 

    i wish i were a little bit taller.

    i wish i didn't have a weakness for blue eyed boys.  

    i wish Frou Frou would make another album.

    i wish i could get rich by working as a barista.

    i wish i liked seafood.

    that's all for now.  thanks.

    Sunday, August 15, 2010

    quote of my life, thus far

    It's remarkable...  You're so obnoxious, yet I really want to kiss you. You're remarkable. Has anyone ever told you that?

    -a guy, to me, on our random and fun first date.  

    my response?  of course i told him, with a polite smile on my face, to fuck off.  i couldn't think of a more appropriate response on such short notice.  

    but on the inside, i was like :-D  and it wasn't just because i had consumed half a bottle of tequila.

    and no, nobody had.

    agree agree agree

    i've wanted to say this to so many boys, so many times. 


    Wednesday, August 11, 2010

    this summer

    It was a time I slept in many rooms, called myself by many names...
    I knew every kind of joy, ascents of every hue.  Mine was the twilight and the morning.  Mine was a world of rooftops and love songs.

    Roman Payne. writing about my summer.  of which i'm having such trouble letting go.


    Monday, August 9, 2010

    outta my, outta my head

    just don't fall recklessly, headlessly in love with me
    cause it's gonna be all heartbreak
    blissfully painful and insanity
    if we agree, you can hang with me

    i'm still listening to Dancing On My Own several times every day, and now i'm also obsessed with Robyn's new mix of Hang With Me -- from her album coming out next month.

    listen to this hotness:

    Sunday, August 8, 2010

    and the winner is...

    we all know that dating is akward.  and if you've ever tried online dating, you know that it can be just as awkward as dating in real life.  especially that First E-mail.

    i agonize over what to write when i first contact someone, though over time i've developed some guidelines that i find useful.  for example, i normally keep the first message short, because in the event that i am rejected, i don't want to have spent too much time -- or to have put myself too far out there -- for a person who had no interest in me.  normally i try to say something personal about that person's profile, so that it's clear that i put thought into the First E-mail and that i actually read what he had to say about himself.  finally, i try to avoid saying those few, hackneyed phrases that everybody says to everybody every time (i.e. "I liked your profile and I thought I'd say hi.") because all of those e-mails just run together.  it shouldn't be so complicated as to necessitate rules, but the First E-mail is probably the most awkward part of online dating.  

    i've both sent and received plenty of First E-mails, but i've never seen anything so random and socially retarded as the e-mail that i received yesterday.  starting with the ridiculous subject line, and finishing by calling me old, my admirer sure knows how to e-charm a guy.

    while i hate to make fun of a guy who's just trying to put himself out there and meet someone nice, this is too ridiculous to keep to myself.  i hereby present the winner of the award for worst First E-mail ever:

    and no, i didn't write back.  mostly because he misspelled "definitely."


    Friday, August 6, 2010

    quote of the week, thus far

    I am watching the willy wonka movie and all I want to do is take the poor bedridden Buckets'es thinned out cabbage soup and EAT IT!!!! THAT IS ALL I WANT! TO TAKE FOOD FROM THE MOUTHS OF THE POOR AND HOLD IT JUST OUT OF THEIR REACH!!! I AM SOOO HUNGRY FOR THEIR CABBAGE sOUP!!!!

    -a short excerpt from a drunk e-mail i was so lucky to receive this week.


    Wednesday, August 4, 2010

    trying to be unfaithful

    i prepared for it as i would prepare for any date, basically:  

    1. i picked out my clothes a day in advance, doing a test run to make sure that everything would fit right.  
    2. after that i trimmed my hair so that my side-swoop would look perfectly neat.  
    3. the day of, i shaved with a fresh, extra sharp razor.  if i'm bleedin' while shaving, i will look baby-smooth shortly after.   
    4. i picked out a super cute pair of underwear (Calvin Klein Steel trunks, if you must know) -- even though i'm fairly certain no one will be seeing them, i like to know i look good on the inside. of my clothes. 
    5.  i decided not to eat the everything bagel that i really wanted to have for breakfast, so that my breath wouldn't offend the person judging me.
    6.  i arranged for a cab to drive me so that i wouldn't be sweating when i arrived for the big meeting. 

    it might sound like a lot of work, but it was worth it.  because i really want this.  

    the only strange thing is that i couldn't shake the feeling that i was cheating.  because i already have a job, as of a few days ago.  call me greedy, but i don't care.  like i said, i really want this other job, and i put a lot of energy into the interview.  down to my underwear.  yeah -- that's how bad i want this.

    "Beggars can't be choosers," a friend of mine told me the other day, after i told him that i was still going on the big interview even though i accepted an offer from another firm just days ago.  "I'm not a beggar anymore.  I already have a job, so there's no more begging.  I'm just greedy," i told him.  

    and i think that i have a right to be greedy.  i've applied in vain to so many jobs in the past few months that now, when i finally get an interview for a job that i really want, i deserve the opportunity to explore it. 

    the interview went well, by the way.  now it's in god's hands.

    Tuesday, August 3, 2010

    belated postsecret

    such a thing is still possible

    I don't know how the world broke.  And I don't know if there's a God who can help us fix it.  But the fact that the world is broken -- I absolutely believe that.  Just look around us.  Every minute -- every single second -- there are a million things you could be thinking about.  Our world -- don't you just feel we're becoming more and more fragmented? I used to think that when I got older, the world would make so much more sense.  But you know what? The older I get, the more confusing it is to me.  The more complicated it is.  Harder.  You'd think we'd be getting better at it.  But there's just more and more chaos.  The pieces -- they're everywhere.  And nobody knows what to do about it.  I find myself grasping...

    You know that feeling?  That feeling when you just want the right thing to fall into the right place, not only because it's right, but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible?  I want to believe in that.  

    -from the book Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist, by Rachel Cohn & David Levithan.  

    one of my dear, thoughtful friends gave me the book as a birthday gift, along with a box of the only candy i'll ever love, *Baci, and now i'm spending one of the last quiet mornings of my sabbatical reading through NNIP and marking my favorite parts with *Baci wrappers.  love, love.

    OH and the best part is that my dear, thoughtful friend took the liberty of going through the book before giving it to me and dog-earing pages holding some of the best parts.  i. love it.  

    sometimes i worry that when somebody borrows a book from me, he or she might get annoyed at all the dog-eared pages and highlighted sections (i always was every English lit. teacher's pet).  but finally somebody has done it to me, and i. love it.  it's almost a game, to figure out what was so special on this page to warrant folding down one of its corners.  i guess highlighting wouldn't be so much fun.  maybe i'll stop doing that.  

    and in case anyone is curious -- while the novel is much more chaotic and music-snobby and teen angst-y, the filmmakers did a pretty amazing job of translating it from page to screen.  very impressive.