So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Friday, September 25, 2009

my morning smile

i've mentioned it before, but this will serve as a reminder of the fun blog, Passive-Aggressive Notes. i have to go back and check this site occasionally, as it's a great distraction from a busy or stressful day.

let me share just a few of my recent faves, like the passive-aggressive yet loving christian (aren't they all?):

i can't get enough of the passive-aggressive office mate notes. you know you've worked with people like that...

also, the blogger's commentary is often chuckle-worthy. definitely worth checking out some afternoon when you're bored. especially if you enjoy guilt trips from grandma:

or people who say sorry when they really aren't sorry. at all.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

coupland says...

And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older, as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it has already happened.

a deep, though hauntingly pessimistic, thought that i timely came across and that i had to share.

and a strange coincidence. i very recently had a conversation with friend X about friend Y, who's been going through some tough ish. we discussed how some people get down and don't ever quite come back up to where they were, with regards to levels of happiness or positivity. you know, if set levels existed.

i'd like it to be absurd. i'd like to think that anyone can find ways to regain his or her past state of childlike innocence -- joy, even. simplicity.

buddha gives us many helpful hints, but at the end of the day, i believe, the secret is different for everyone.

in the meantime, i'm telling myself that -- whatever it takes, however it happens -- for the broken people among us, eventually hope will just... float up.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

dostoevsky says...

We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.

Monday, September 21, 2009

rule for life #854

life is about choices. sometimes life requires us to make difficult choices. and the decisions we make speak volumes about our values and priorities.

as an example, this afternoon i wanted a snack. i have, in the office refrigerator, some nice apples. i was going to have an apple. but then i saw, on the other side of the room, a plate of birthday cookies. huuuuge birthday cookies.

difficult decision. the huge choco chip cookie is so tempting, but my apple is healthy and would tide me over until dinner.

so i ate an apple. then i ate a cookie. problem solved.

that's life.

Friday, September 18, 2009

for the bible tells me so

new hero

move over, Chelsea Handler.
i finally saw The September Issue, and i've found a new bitch to place on a pedestal. and her name is Anna.

as for the film: it was good. really good, actually. so subtle. contextual, i guess. if you hadn't heard about AW or hadn't seen TDWP, you might not know what to look for.

i highly recommend it.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

gotta get through this

two weeks. that's what i'm reminding myself.
hang in there for two more weeks, and then you'll be here:

it's no time at all, two weeks. the time will go by quickly, i think, because i'll be chained to my desk.

no time at all.

rule for life #114

When the managing partner comes into your office and says, "I have some news that's going to ruin your day," you better brace yourself.

The proverbial substance is about to hit the fan.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

some guys have all the luck

alone in a crowd on a bus after work, and i'm dreaming

the guy next to me has a girl in his arms
my arms are empty
how does it feel when the girl next to you says she loves you
it seem so unfair when there's love everywhere, but there's none for me

i'm sorry, but you know i just eat this melodramatic ish UP.

and ever since i heard K.Clarkson has been covering this classic at her shows, i haven't been able to get it out of my head, or to stop playing it repeatedly on iTunes.

perhaps a side effect of growing up with a single mother in the '80's: my affinity for Rod Stewart's music.

check out Kelly's take on it, linked above: Some Girls Have All the Luck.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

you still don't get Gossip Girl?

well, i didn't either. for a long time. despite being late to the game, i caught up really quickly. problem is, now i can't stop gushing.

do me a prop and read this NY Mag article, The Genius of GG and why it's CHANGING TELEVISION FOR-EV-ER. this article obviously isn't the same as watching (and imminently falling in love with) the show, but you might gain a better understanding of the craze.

some highlights of the article that struck a chord with me:

Technically, we’re a little old for Gossip Girl—our own high-school experience was kind of a while ago. Like, 90210-was-still-on-the-air a while ago. But it’s not just tweenage girls who are hooked on the show.

At first we cloaked our adoration in irony. "It’s awesomely bad," we explained to friends. "You know, like Showgirls. Or a Bloomin’ Onion." But before long we were covering the show pretty much exhaustively on the Daily Intelligencer, the blog we write on And then a funny thing happened: E-mails and texts from fans of all ages began filling our in-boxes. "S. at Cafe Gitane, not with Lonely Boy!" read one text, from a 28-year-old marketing executive. "OMG!" we texted back. "Is she cheating?" "No, he is a gay." (Translation: Blake Lively, who plays Serena van der Woodsen, was spotted with someone other than Penn Badgley, who plays her onscreen boyfriend and whom she’s rumored to be dating in real life. The "he" who is "a gay" is just some guy who looked that way to the texter.) The more we wrote about Gossip Girl, the more its radically invested fan base began to reveal itself to us. We were like a support group for the fully grown, employed, non-pervert adult fans of the show.

But there should be no shame in a love of Gossip Girl. After all, it is (and we have come to this conclusion honestly) the most awesomely awesome show ever. And so on the eve of the show’s return from writers’-strike limbo, we are here to give you the six best reasons you should openly love Gossip Girl, even if you’ve never seen it before. Why waste so much time writing about something so insipid? Because, dear readers, it’s not.

the authors go on to give lots of insight into the hot stars (some of which is very surprising), as well as their 6 reasons why they believe GG is revolutionizing television.

one point i found fascinating is the CW's frustration with modern day access to their golden program. when you can watch online for free, why suffer through commercials? when no one's watching commercials, how does a network make money?

As the CW struggles to figure out how to make money off Gossip Girl, it’s overlooking what an amazing thing it has on its hands, which is a show that may foretell a future of multiplatform entertainment whose success is determined not by traditional ratings but by what Schwartz and co–executive producer Stephanie Savage call "cultural permeation." It’s not a new goal—as Us Weekly editor Janice Min puts it, "The best thing that could happen to a show is for someone to be able to say ‘Jen and Courteney’ and you know they are talking about the stars of Friends"—but it is an entirely new way of getting there.

gide says...

Believe those who seek the truth.
Doubt those who find it.

Monday, September 14, 2009

my new approach to life: defeatism, apparently

paralegal: Didn't you hear? I fell. When I went out to lunch, I just fell on the street. Right on my ass. Just like that.

me: If I were you, I would've just stayed down.


they're baaack!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

live-blogging the season finale

actual text messages i received during tonight's insane season finale of True Blood

[note: some language censored for the sake of my younger and/or religious readers.]

9:08, from C.D.

9:09, from C.D.
...Just prepping 4 rest of hour

9:22, from K.G.
LOL so f*ckin funny

9:29, from C.D.

9:30, from J.L.
NOW WHAT for the next 30 mins?

9:30, from C.D.

9:42, from J.L.
Jason needs to shut up and take his clothes off

9:45, from C.D.
Jason's logic is flawless

10:00, from J.L.
She'd rather be with Eric. Who wouldn't?

10:02, from C.D.
Can you say anticlimactic?

10:02, from K.G.
F*ck my life!

10:03, from C.D.
Not enough sessy times

i guess we'll find out in a year. but seriously, what the eff are this show's writers on?

true insanity.

*photo in honor of what this show offered last season.

Saturday, September 12, 2009


dear my new saturday uniform,

i thank J.Crew and, most of all, God, for creating you. or did you evolve from a lesser form of sweatshirt?

who cares, i love you and love being inside you.


Friday, September 11, 2009

nine eleven

since everyone else is talking about it...

eight years ago i was living in a bubble. actually called "the bubble" by its students, Grove City College sits idyllically inside a beautiful brick wall that runs along its physical periphery, and inside an invisible, yet very secure, wall that keeps the outside world a comfortable distance from God's chosen undergrads.

my roommate and i didn't have a television, nor did any of our friends. those few students who had television
, normally jocks, weren't even given the option of having MTV. as i understood it, the college had a formal agreement with the cable company regarding what should be offered to students.

at any rate, it is with this preface that i admit to you that when the twin towers (or is it "the two towers?" i always get 9/11 confused with Lord of the Rings) fell, i was too busy to notice. i was studying for a very difficult and very intimidating Spanish Lit. exam in the student union (remember the Geedunk?) when people began crowding around a television.

it was a strange crowd, i remember. usually when two or more GCC students are gathered together, it's impossible to block out the screams of "Yahtzee!" or, alternatively, the songs of praise they spontaneously burst into (yes, i'm serious). but this crowd wasn't screaming or singing anything. they just stared at a television set.

i guess i understood that something bad was happening, but i'd been studying for that exam non-stop for 3 days. i woke up at 5 AM to do last-minute cramming. i was sick to my stomach with fear that i might forget one of the 10 pages of Spanish quotations and literary criticism jargon i had learned by rote memorization (how do you explain a 'controlling metaphor' in Spanish?). at the time, i absolutely had no concern for what newsworthy event was unfolding live on Fox News. did Billy Graham die? or Pat Robertson, maybe? either national tragedy would've explained the looks of shock and sadness on my fellow grovers' faces.

whatever was going on, it didn't affect me. until i got to class. as my fellow hispanoparlantes and i sat down to take another of Senorita Forrester's dreaded exams, all shaking with anxiety and praying to Jesus to help us all get A's, i noticed that quite a few desks were empty. where was everyone?

and so it was la senorita who broke the news to me and the few other students who made it all the way to our 10:30 class
oblivious to what had happened in Manhattan. she assumed that most people already knew; she understood that some of us might not be emotionally able to sit for the exam; she would hold a make-up exam for those students who were too distraught by, or at least fixated on, the morning news to do last-minute studying. before i knew it, i was one of those people. i found myself packing up my Jansport and leaving the class, while about half the students who had shown up that morning stayed behind and took the exam.

of course, i hadn't spent the morning distraught or staring at a television. i was prepared for that exam. but who could pass up the opportunity to study a little more? i would go on to graduate with a 4.0 in my major, which might not have been possible had i sat for that exam. does that make me a bad person?

the next few days on campus were a mess of impromptu chapel services, candlelight prayer vigils, and - thank the Lord - canceled classes. i felt safe inside the bubble. childish and ignorant, i didn't get, at the time, what 9/11 meant.

it was only months later, when my first love decided to move to New York for grad school, that the tragedy hit home. once i had loved ones in the city, and now that many people i love live there, the thought of such a thing happening again is terrifying. but 8 years ago, ignorance really was bliss.

what's YOUR story?

a reminder from dolly

Leave something good in every day.

plenty more Smoky Mountain wisdom on Dolly's Twitter.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

prohibido: no buscar tu felicidad

gracias a manuelito por este.

a nice reminder to "follow your bliss." eh, CPGB?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


It's no crime to change your mind, and a believer might of course doubt his belief. There's a lot to be said, though, for just getting on with life, and in particular for resolving your doubts.

Having come to doubt you're on the right path, weigh the evidence as best you can. Then either stay on the path or (as in my case) get off it onto some other. What seems unconvincing to me is the claims by some believers to have wrestled with doubt for years or decades.

To people making those claims, the only thing I can think of to say is: "Isn't it time you, like, made up your cotton-pickin' mind?"

more here.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


daydreaming about dreams

You know that place between asleep and awake? That place where you still remember dreaming? ...That's where I'll be waiting.

this romantical quote from one of my favorite childhood movies, HOOK, just popped into my head as i was telling a friend about the crazy night of dreams i had.

maybe i still haven't snapped back to reality after the long holiday weekend's craziness and laziness; or maybe the Tylenol PM just hasn't worn off yet... i don't know. but i'm definitely still in a fog.

start with a dreary tuesday morning, throw in a wandering mind, and you'll find me daydreaming about being back in my comfy bed with fresh white sheets after the weekend's laundry ritual. what i wouldn't give to be back there...

at the same time i continue thinking about the vivid dreams i had last night. were they, too, the product of my OTC sleeping pills? did my 10+ hours of sleep leave my mind so bored, it started making up stories?

i won't go into the craziness that went on in my head last night, but i will say that now i have a strong urge to decorate an old attic and to sleep in it, as well as to drive back home to amishville with some random law school classmates who i haven't even seen for months.

dreams are so weird. often mine are a sort of compilation, or greatest hits, of my day beforehand. but every now and then, like last night's dreams, they come out of nowhere. places i haven't been in years, people who aren't even in my daily life, sometimes there are giant snakes involved. don't even get me started on my recurring dreams.

i know one thing: it's unusual to remember dreams this well several hours after waking.


Monday, September 7, 2009

and then you wait

What do you do when someone stops loving you?

--Well, you cry a little, and then you wait for the sun to come out. It always does.


Friday, September 4, 2009

things change, just like the weather

or at least i wish they would.

by "things," i mean actual things. objects. nouns. you see, i have a little problem. and i'm pretty sure it's not an uncommon one.*

i don't shop very often. i can walk in and out of clothing stores without feeling compelled to buy anything. i recognize when i have far more jeans and shoes than i need. but when i walk though a home furnishings store... i lose my mind.

drop me off in front of a Crate & Barrel, a Pier 1, or even the housewares sections of Macy's and Target -- and i stop thinking logically. suddenly i want a new duvet - and now i'll need new throw pillows - let's redecorate the bathroom - i hate my nightstand - i want more kitchen accessories. my problem is that i want to constantly redecorate my home. again and again.

in this one instance, i guess it's fortunate that i am not wealthy enough to indulge my craving for ambient change. had i money enough to do so, i would be extremely wasteful and capricious.

obviously, one potential outlet for this creative/discontent energy could be a profession in interior design and decorating. but i think i'd need, like, a special degree or something to do that. who's going to hire a lawyer who can barely match a tie to his shirt to decorate a room?!

at any rate... what was i talking about? oh. right. why this is relevant.

so tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn, Shaunice and i are embarking on a shopping marathon. first to KOP to hit up Crate & Barrel, then Restoration Hardware, then a million outlet stores at the Philadelphia Premium Outlets. i suspect that i'll make it out of Neiman Marcus and Ralph Lauren without a scratch (unlike my roommie), but i'm a little worried about the housewares stores. by this time sunday, i may have redecorated my entire apartment for no reason.

no, i don't have the money, but c'mon! they're outlets. how can i possibly pass up "a deal" if i find one?

*i'll leave it for another day to explore our societal urge to constantly spend, redecorate, and change our lives superficially. i don't have the brain power for such a task today, because i am contemplating new linens and high thread counts.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

never gave up hope

Maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy …
maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just… moving on.

Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing, after all the unreturned phone calls, broken hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope.

i guess i liked another little part of this stupid movie.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

just sayin'

i love you, Kashi, but your Triscuit knock-offs taste like reduced-calorie cardboard.

i'm sorry. you had your chance.

i hate your hair

no i don't.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

to feel safe always

So seeing as how I won't be around to thoroughly annoy you, I thought I would give you a little list of the things that I wish for you.

Well, there's the obvious. An education. Family. Friends. And a life that is full of the unexpected. Be sure to make mistakes. Make a lot of them, because there's no better way to learn and to grow, all right?

And, um, I want you to spend a lot of time at the ocean, because the ocean forces you to dream, and I insist that you, my girl, be a dreamer.

God... I've never really believed in God. In fact, I've spent a lot of time and energy trying to disprove that god exists. But I hope that you are able to believe in god, because the thing that I've come to realize, sweetheart... is that it just doesn't matter if god exists or not. The important thing is for you to believe in something, because I promise you that that belief will keep you warm at night, and I want you to feel safe always.

And then there's love. I want you to love to the tips of your fingers, and when you find that love, wherever you find it, whoever you choose, don't run away from it. But you don't have to chase after it, either. You just be patient, and it'll come to you, I promise, and when you least expect it... And remember, to love is to live.

and it's contagious

my new favorite morning song.