in the beginning was the word:

CHOICE.

that was the word that got under my skin back then.

i was young and impressionable (and even self-loathing) enough to take their word for it that homosexuality is a sin. i mean, the church wouldn't lie to me, would it? i didn't think so.

so i went along with it. i attempted to abide by and abide in the doctrine i was taught.

but when that word was used -- and you'd be surprised how often the topic came up -- my mind and body rebelled. as a model student at GCC (lovingly referred to as God's Concentration Camp), i expressed rebellion only in ways that allowed me to maintain the appearance of a good boy: i internalized. i questioned silently. i struggled.

of course every teenager, and especially the average GLBT-questioning teenager, experiences this internal struggle. but not every teenager is required to sit through hours and hours of sermons per semester, any one of which may happen to focus on the sin of homosexuality -- quite a poignant message for a captive audience of countless, closeted young men and women, all of whom seeking to be all that God wants them to be.

the internal monologue, loud as a pipe organ inside my head as i sat on the hard wooden pew, often began with a but.

"but i didn't choose this. when did i even have a choice? if i chose, i must've been young. 2 or 3, maybe. and if i did choose, i take it back! i change my mind. my prerogative. so... any day now. but i didn't choose this... it's just the way i am."


well, times have changed. i've given up the ghost -- the holy one, that is.

choice is no longer the word that upsets me, that sets me off, that sets my mind reeling with the fire of Sodom and Gomorrah. the new word:

TOLERATE, and all variations thereof. tolerate, tolerance, toleration (believe it or not, "toleration" is a real word. i checked.).

when i hear calls for tolerance, i get the same feeling that "choice" once gave me. when i hear politicians, religious leaders, or even homos urge tolerance, my chest tightens.

it used to seem like a nice gesture, especially coming from the "hate the sin, love the sinner" religious zealots. not anymore. they can keep their empty gestures.

i'm not interested in tolerance. i don't want your acceptance. i'm not a public nuisance, and i'm not an annoying baby on an airplane. i'm not disturbing you in any way, and i'm not asking you to tolerate anything.

if anyone could rightly urge tolerance, it's the GLBT community. "folks, we need to show a little tolerance of our backward society. we need to be patient as the ignorant and irrational attitudes and prejudices die off, giving way to logical thought and equality."

but just as i'm not asking that someone tolerate me or my community, i'm not suggesting that prejudice and inequality be tolerated either. i will never urge my community to be patient.

it's too late for tolerance, and now the only acceptable option is equality.



in completely unrelated news, to all of my readers in California (i know for a fact you're out there!), take this as a friendly reminder to vote NO on Proposition 8 on Tuesday. Prop 8 is wrong. it's unfair. and it's a step in the wrong direction, not just for California, but for equality in this nation.