So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


i've always felt that i have a firm grasp on who i am.  i'm very self-aware, i think.  as in, i may be a little bit crazy, but i know that i'm crazy, and i know in what ways i'm crazy.  'ya know?

so when a dear friend said to me recently, 

"I don't think you really want a relationship,"

i was stunned.  scusa?  of course i want a relationship.  we all want a relationship.  i love relationships.  i love love.  i love the prospect of a happy home with a hot husband.  i love alliteration, apparently.  

"Why would you say that?" i asked him, somewhat defensively.

"No offense..." i guess he picked up on that.  "You find a reason to end it with every man you date... It just seems like you don't want it to work."

i would have liked to retort to him that he doesn't know me, or at least that he hasn't known me long enough to make such grand proclamations about my life.  but he does know me.  he has known me for almost 5 years, and he has known me well.  he knows me more than my spoken italics could possibly trump.  not only did we know one another intimately about 5 years ago, but he has remained a close friend to whom i'd tell pretty much anything, without even sugar-coating or PR-ing it first.  so instead of arguing, i said the first thing that came to mind:

"I don't need a man.  I need a champion."

was it an original thought?  no.  but we saw Eat*Pray*Love together, so i was sure that he'd get it.  and sometimes that's half the challenge in wit.  

at any rate... lately i've been thinking that i wasn't just attempting wit.  i've been thinking that there's some truth to my own grand proclamation about myself.  maybe there comes a point when you've known so many suitors, you want someone to come along and storm the castle walls. to defeat the dragons. to start a revolution in the kingdom. i don't know -- just -- a champion.  

a conqueror.  a defender.  a hero.  a top dog.* a victor.  

that's what i've been thinking lately.

*thanks,, that one was kinda funny.   


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