Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Saturday, May 5, 2012
we're bad people, part XIX
for years, i've been using this blog as a sort of confessional, where rather than a priest sitting on the other side of a screen, i've trusted that you non-judgmental blog readers were withholding judgment while sitting in front of your own screens. for example, i've confessed awful, awful secrets about my musical preferences. over the years i've confessed many strategic secrets about my dating life. today i have to confess a truly heinous secret.
by now, you know a lot about the doctor. we're no longer dating, but we are developing a very nice friendship while he remains in the country. what i may have failed to mention to many of you is that the doctor is Muslim and has never imbibed a drop of alcohol in his life. believe it or not, i didn't have much of a problem with this while we were dating (i know, right? this would usually be a deal-breaker, but when you fall for someone...). he's a fantastic designated driver, and he was always able to dance and have fun with nothing more in his system than a Redbull. i've always found that impressive, since i need at least 9 oz. of vodka in my body to even look toward a dance floor.
last night, D and i decided that we weren't impressed. for whatever reason, after a few drinks, we decided that it was time for the doctor to experience alcohol. we were determined to make this happen. when he arrived at our apartment to "pre-game" before going out, i offered him a cocktail. no dice. D, our buddy Mike and I had lots of wodka while the doctor drank water.
when we arrived at the bar, i once again offered to get the doctor a drink. no dice. he said he'd have his usual, a Redbull. it was at this point that D lost her patience. she went to the bar, ordered drinks for me, Mike and herself, and then asked the bartender if she'd pour some vodka into a Redbull can. the bartender, who has had a crush on D for a while, was happy to oblige. events like this are just one of the reasons that D is my BFF and the love of my young life.
i'd like to take a moment to again ask you to please withhold judgment. if you believe in Allah, that's fine. mazel tov. i'm sure he loves you with a firm hand and makes every day special for you. personally, i believe in a loving god who wants us to enjoy all of the fruits of the earth, including wine, which the prophet Jesus drank, presumably in excess. i don't like to drink wine, because my teeth are very white and i want to keep them that way; therefore, clear and pure vodka is my drink of choice. my point is, i don't think the doctor will burn in hellfire for drinking alcohol unwittingly. i'm sure he'll still receive a dozen young virgins at heaven's gates, as promised in the Quran. too bad he won't want to touch any of them.
back to my story: i can't believe that the bartender did it, but three times throughout the night she poured out half the can of Redbull and filled it with vodka, after which she swirled it to mix the caffeine and sin, and then inserted a straw for the doctor. and he never even noticed.
by the end of the second Redbull, he was dancing energetically. i laughed uncontrollably as we danced. by the end of the third, the doctor was having a heartfelt conversation with D about life and dating. somehow he never noticed that, for the first time in his life, he was drinking alcohol. i guess if you have no frame of reference....
this morning i texted the doctor to make sure that he was alive and not in prison. he's fine. a bit of a headache, and he has no idea why, but he's fine.
like i said, we're bad people. too bad i'm incapable of feeling what you people call "guilt."
it was a fun night. allegedly, we had hot dogs in the wee hours of the morning. and i feel better after confessing this evil deed. the end.
by now, you know a lot about the doctor. we're no longer dating, but we are developing a very nice friendship while he remains in the country. what i may have failed to mention to many of you is that the doctor is Muslim and has never imbibed a drop of alcohol in his life. believe it or not, i didn't have much of a problem with this while we were dating (i know, right? this would usually be a deal-breaker, but when you fall for someone...). he's a fantastic designated driver, and he was always able to dance and have fun with nothing more in his system than a Redbull. i've always found that impressive, since i need at least 9 oz. of vodka in my body to even look toward a dance floor.
last night, D and i decided that we weren't impressed. for whatever reason, after a few drinks, we decided that it was time for the doctor to experience alcohol. we were determined to make this happen. when he arrived at our apartment to "pre-game" before going out, i offered him a cocktail. no dice. D, our buddy Mike and I had lots of wodka while the doctor drank water.
when we arrived at the bar, i once again offered to get the doctor a drink. no dice. he said he'd have his usual, a Redbull. it was at this point that D lost her patience. she went to the bar, ordered drinks for me, Mike and herself, and then asked the bartender if she'd pour some vodka into a Redbull can. the bartender, who has had a crush on D for a while, was happy to oblige. events like this are just one of the reasons that D is my BFF and the love of my young life.
i'd like to take a moment to again ask you to please withhold judgment. if you believe in Allah, that's fine. mazel tov. i'm sure he loves you with a firm hand and makes every day special for you. personally, i believe in a loving god who wants us to enjoy all of the fruits of the earth, including wine, which the prophet Jesus drank, presumably in excess. i don't like to drink wine, because my teeth are very white and i want to keep them that way; therefore, clear and pure vodka is my drink of choice. my point is, i don't think the doctor will burn in hellfire for drinking alcohol unwittingly. i'm sure he'll still receive a dozen young virgins at heaven's gates, as promised in the Quran. too bad he won't want to touch any of them.
back to my story: i can't believe that the bartender did it, but three times throughout the night she poured out half the can of Redbull and filled it with vodka, after which she swirled it to mix the caffeine and sin, and then inserted a straw for the doctor. and he never even noticed.
by the end of the second Redbull, he was dancing energetically. i laughed uncontrollably as we danced. by the end of the third, the doctor was having a heartfelt conversation with D about life and dating. somehow he never noticed that, for the first time in his life, he was drinking alcohol. i guess if you have no frame of reference....
this morning i texted the doctor to make sure that he was alive and not in prison. he's fine. a bit of a headache, and he has no idea why, but he's fine.
like i said, we're bad people. too bad i'm incapable of feeling what you people call "guilt."
it was a fun night. allegedly, we had hot dogs in the wee hours of the morning. and i feel better after confessing this evil deed. the end.
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