a break-up note

this is difficult for me to do, but i need to say good-bye to you for a while.  

i can't sleep with you any more.  not for a while.  i'm usually so comfortable when i'm with you, but lately you're getting me all hot and bothered.  i'm tired of tossing and turning.  i'm tired of sleepless nights with you.  i need to cool off a bit.

maybe this is premature.  am i going to wake up cold and alone tomorrow morning?  maybe.  this is a transition period for me.  am i going to miss you?  maybe.  but for now, this seems like the right thing to do.

i love you.  

i'll see you later, down comforter.

xoxo

    

post(ing) secret(s)

nerd of the day

hi.  my name's Matthew.  and i'm a closet nerd.  maybe not so closeted about it, come to think of it.


every morning Dictionary.com sends me a new word of the day.  i really like today's and hope to be able to use it in a spoken sentence soon:

Word of the Day

 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

kismet

\ KIZ-met; -mit \  , noun;

1.  Destiny; fate.

 

 

yeah.  i really like that. 

 

   

recommended biblical reading

i'm sitting at a table in the ever-crowded Reading Terminal Market, where a large coffee and i have spent the afternoon reading, and finally finishing, The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver.  i was lucky to find the large, hardcover novel used, lightly worn, and on sale for only $1.95 a few weeks ago at a Salvation Army.  the book probably sells for $16 or so at B&N.  i love finds like this.  


in fact, i had been meaning to read The Poisonwood Bible for the past seven and a half years, ever since i found Kingsolver's Prodigal Summer -- also used, lightly worn and on sale for only a couple thousand colones at a second-hand bookstore in el Parque Nacional de Manuel Antonio in Costa Rica, where i was spending a weekend during my own prodigal semester abroad in 2003 and failed to bring along enough beach reading material.  Prodigal Summer was amazing, one of the first novels that i would add to my ultimate favorites list.  i have a lot of lists.  upon finishing PS, i vowed to read the author's first, and better known, novel as soon as possible.  somehow i never got around to it until now.


The Poisonwood Bible tells the tale of a Baptist missionary who drags his wife and four daughters along with him to spend a year evangelizing in the Congo -- unbeknownst to him, on the eve of the Congo's first of many civil wars and coups d'etat.  i know little about American history, let alone African history and geography, so the foreshadowing through the first half of the book was likely lost on me.  i had no idea what hell was coming to the poor white family in the jungle.  i'm sure it's all very meaningful and important, in its historical context. to me, the novel ultimately told a different story.


as the lives, health and spirit of the minister's wife and daughters crumble (while other missionaries flee the country for their safety and in order to heed the warnings of U.S. government officials, the minister refuses to give up "the Good Fight"), so does each one's faith in God and in their father.  the teenage daughters struggle with inconsistencies and hypocrisies in the Bible that had never bothered them when they were clean and comfortable -- and safe -- in the U.S. suburbs.  suddenly life, and the arbitrary rules of the Jesus-God, seemed terribly unfair as applied to life in Africa, from which some of the daughters would never leave.

All my life I've tried to set my shoes squarely into his footprints, believing if only I stayed close enough to him those same clean, simple laws would rule my life as well.  That the Lord would see my goodness and fill me with light.  Yet with each passing day I find myself farther away.  There's a great holy war going on in my father's mind, in which we're meant to duck and run and obey orders and fight for all the right things, but I can't always make out the orders or even tell which side I am on exactly...

If his decision to keep us here in the Congo wasn't right, then what else might he be wrong about?  It has opened up in my heart a sickening world of doubts and possibilities, where before I had only faith in my father and love for the Lord.  

i haven't become so engrossed in a novel in quite a while.  i highly recommend TPB, as well as Prodigal Summer, which is entirely different from TPB, as it is a love story of sorts, set in Kentucky.  Prodigal Summer is now back at the top of my To-Read list and will be a welcome relief from civil war and foreign politics.  as i pluck the worn, used and used copy off my bookshelf, i see so many dog-eared pages.  i can't wait to re-read them.  as with all books, i'm sure that it will tell a different story with the next read than it told more than seven years ago.  

   

neruda says...

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way.

te comprendo completamente, Pablo.


  

post(ing) secret(s)

life's a beach

yesterday my girl T and i had a lunch date.  neither of us had anything better to do for the day, so we decided to lunch somewhere on the Jersey Shore.  

the somewhat creepy beach town of Asbury Park is just a short drive from Philadelphia, and it's much more peaceful this time of year than the neighboring town that we see on MTV. 

outta my, outta my head

these days i'm listening to only two albums: the first is beautifully written and sung by an amazing vocalist; the other is more or less a spoken-word album with a bunch of auto-tune and high-priced production that rocks me so hard that i can't be bothered to stop dancing and criticize the "singer."  the albums are Adele's "21" and a leaked copy of Britney's "Femme Fatale." (shhh -- don't tell! i swear i'll buy it once it's released. and on sale.) 

i strongly suggest that you buy Adele's album, by the way.  there are several ridiculously good songs on it, one of which i've already listened to one vagillion times because it breaks my heart so good:

really into women right now

not, like, all women.  or any real women, for that matter.


just these two:

i'm in love.

after enjoying the first three seasons of WEEDS during the past two weeks, i'm currently engrossed in the fourth season, thanks to TV on DVD and a great lending service that i like to call CassieFlix.  everyone on the show is great, but i really love Elizabeth Perkins and Mary-Louise Parker -- though i'm more drawn to the comedy and tragedy of Celia (Elizabeth Perkins).


this is a lot like my obsession with Ally McBeal in high school.  it's okay to like women who aren't real.  to like a real woman, on the other hand, would be unnatural and inappropriate.

thanksgiving

occasionally i find myself thinking about personal blogs and the nature thereof.  blogging is an excellent means of venting anonymously, whether about work, dating, a lack of dates, or politics.  it's fortunate that so many people find comfort in putting down their semi-automatic weapons and picking up their laptops as an alternative.  


but we complain a lot.  don't we?  like... a lot.  


no judgment!   like i said, it's fortunate that blogging offers such a peaceful outlet, and one that is often (until something goes horribly wrong *cough* Pennsylvanian teachers) possible to accomplish anonymously and harmlessly.


but for today, if only once and even if i'm alone in so doing in the blogosphere, i'd like to take a few moments to a) offer thanks for a random few of life's many, many blessings and b) remind you that, if you're sitting in front of your nice computer reading my blog, chances are you are very blessed, loved and surrounded by reasons to be thankful.  it's your choice whether or not you actually be thankful.


here are my random blessings:

• my hair.  yeah, that is the first thing that comes to mind.  so?? i'm thankful for a full head of naturally highlighted hair, for which i got a compliment from a stranger this week.  my brother went bald at 20, and i'm nearing 30 with my hair intact.  hallelujah.
• lovely friends who support me despite my craziness, my ups and downs, and an occasional rash life decision for which i expect unconditional support.  
• my Ma learning (and liking) to text, which has greatly decreased the need for long telephone chats.
• travel.  i've found myself thinking lately how lucky i was to travel to and live in multiple places around the world at such a young age.  i'm glad that i made travel a priority before tedious concerns such as money, career and personal relationships could prevent me from packing my bags and flying away.
• Mr. Finch. how could i make a list like this without mentioning that little demon of whom i am so fond?
• you, probably.  if you're reading this, we're probably either friends in real life or blog buddies, meaning i take the time to either hang out and/or talk to you in reality, or to check in on and keep up with your life via the internets on a regular basis.  if you're a total stranger, this bullet point doesn't apply to you. yet. (i just creepily and very gayly said out loud, "Potentiallll.")
• gummi vitamins.   

i'd love to hear a few things for which you're thankful, regardless of how random they may be.  
  

straczynski says...

I have this theory that the more important and intimate the emotion, the fewer the words are required to express it. 

For instance, in dating, “Will you go out with me?”  Six words.
“I think I care for you.”  Five words.
“You matter to me.”  Four words.
“I love you.”  Three words.
“Marry me.”  Two words.
So what’s left?  What’s the most important and intimate word you can ever say to somebody?  It’s “goodbye.”

post(ing)secret(s)

 

sick, dude.

the space between

"Matthew, what are you doing here?" a familiar voice squealed from across the bar at the cafe where i've been working since leaving the job from hell.


i looked up to see Claire, one of my law school classmates who i hadn't seen for months.  maybe a year.  i explained to her that i quit my firm job and am now enjoying working at a bustling cafe.  i love when friends come in to visit.  i make some mean drinks and am always eager to show off my skills to Philly people who didn't know me back in my Starbucks days.  

despite the busyness and clamor of a coffee shop that seemingly never sleeps, Claire and i were able to catch up.  it turns out that i'm not the only one who had to escape law firm life.  Claire quit her job and moved to another city to go back to school to get her Master's.  that explains why i haven't seen her walking her dog in Rittenhouse or jogging along the river.  Claire was in town for the weekend and wanted to spend the afternoon in the cafe, which used to be her neighborhood go-to spot.  so we chatted.  we shared our war stories.  we agreed that, five years ago, we never would've guessed that she and i would be a student and a barista, respectively.  we also agreed that life was good and that we were happy, despite plans not always working out the way we, um, planned.

i've been spending my days smiling at customers, helping old women make up their minds about their soups and salads, and generally being quite happy and energetic.  it's nice to smile at people and to not have to fight and yell over a phone or a courtroom.  i've been spending my nights reading again and sleeping like a baby.  it feels so good to be physically tired after a day of work, rather than being mentally and emotionally worn down.  maybe it's the farmer gene in me, but working hard on my feet for 8 hours agrees with me much more than sitting on my ass in an office all day.

i'm not sure how long this transition period can last, but i'm enjoying it for now.  thank Buddha. 

  

post(ing) secret(s)

quote of the week, thus far

   
"You were a lot of work."

confused, i looked up from my phone and may have even looked around the restaurant to find the source of those words.  they certainly couldn't have come from the mouth of the ex-boyfriend who was sitting across from me.   


"What?!" i asked, with a sharp, tight T that barely pushed air between my tongue and the roof of my mouth.  it was more like, "whaTT?!" i was confused: how did this subject suddenly come up?  maybe it had organically. i'm not sure.  i had already forgotten what we were talking about, because his statement was so jarring.


"You 'have a lot of feelings,' you've said it yourself."


i just heard my sassy black girl readers (please tell me i have at least one) exclaim, "Dayyyummm," while shaking their heads in disbelief.  i know what you're thinking, and oh YES he DID. 

i'm sure that you all agree that to hear such a soul-punching, knife twisting pronouncement would be jarring, but add to this the fact that, while we were a happy, stable couple, this ex and i had what was my most successful and content relationship. i was far from "a lot of work" in that relationship.  and if i am so tiresome in a relationship that is generally fun and happy, what kind of torture do i inflict upon the poor, unfortunate souls with whom i have rocky relationships?  yikes.


i could blog here before you and attempt to derogate my ex's harsh words by telling you that he's never had any other serious relationship; therefore, he has no one with whom to compare me.  i could also explain to you that the end of our relationship got rocky and ended somewhat dramatically (don't they all?), and at that time i really did have a lot of feelings. but i won't make excuses.


rather, i'll take this lemon and try to turn it into a lemon drop shot (i'm not a huge fan of lemonade, or any citrus without vodka added to it).  i'll take it for what it's worth.  every relationship should be a learning experience, and my horrible habit of keeping ex boyfriends around as close friends, a habit for which i am notorious, should serve to edify me and make me better for my future husband.

relationships can be a lot of work, especially during rocky periods.  we each have unique expectations about what should  happen in a relationship.  do i, personally, expect a lot?  do i complicate what should be simple?  i never thought so before.

it's clear what i need to do now: systematically poll the hundreds of other ex boyfriends with whom i'm still friendly... i'll report back with my findings.