So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

to be that yenta

isn't it so much fun to watch a friend's relationship bloom, to vicariously experience the thrills of a first date, a first overnight, and the other hurdles through which every new "whatever it is" must pass?  i really enjoy watching a friend fall in like with someone nice --- especially when i'm the one who happened to set them up on a date. 

i know many people who refuse to set up their friends.  they're afraid of the fallout when the blind date goes bad, or when the relationship ultimately ends in an ugly way.  i'm not one of those people.  i don't care if the relationship results in marriage or a horrible trainwreck of a break-up; i LOVE setting my friends up with one another.  in fact, i'm considered, in my circle of friends, to be something of a matchmaker.  i've been called that for years, despite the relatively low success rate of my set-ups.  i've also been called a yenta, but - i'm been assured - "not in a bad way."

i just returned from a quick trip to Atlantic City (read: mid-week bender) with two young lovers who i introduced to one another a while back, and who are getting along quite swimmingly.  don't worry, i wasn't an awkward third wheel; another friend came along as well.  the four of us had a nice time sunning ourselves around the pool at The Water Club, having drinks in the sun, and wandering drunkenly around The Borgata casino.  all the while, i was patting myself on the back at how happy my two matchmakees seem to be with one another.  i got to witness their hand-holding in public, laughing with one another, and making plans for the next time they'll see one another.  this yenta could not have been happier unless i were walking one of them down the aisle toward the other.  patience...  

it's important for a matchmaker to lay a foundation and then to wander off and watch from afar, to not get involved.  it's best to not get in the middle of someone else's relationship, for the very reasons that many people won't play cupid with their friends.  best to stay objective.  but that's not how i work.  noooo sir-ree! i am a true yenta in that i meddle.  i pry.  i want to know the details. and however inappropriate it is, i push.  subtly.

take, for instance, a conversation i had this weekend: 

ME: "Have you had the DTR talk yet?"
Matchmakee: "The what?"
ME: "The Define-The-Relationship talk.  Is she seeing anyone else, or are you two ---"
Matchmakee: "Oh, I don't know.  We haven't -- Should I bring that up? Is it too soon?"
ME: "Well, you seem to like each other a lot, soooo..."

i know, i should mind my own business and focus on finding a good relationship of my own. i really am a yenta, aren't i?  i just -- well, it's just too much fun. moreover, i stick my nose in my friends' relationship business in the way that a loving Jewish grandmother would, because i really love my friends.  i want them to be happy, and if there's something that i can do to further that cause, i'll do it.  even if nobody asks me to do so.

finally, i should admit that there's a part of me that wants to live vicariously through others' dating ups and downs.  but that's just a tiny part of my motivation, and that part of me is often satisfied thanks to reading about my fellow bloggers' misadventures.

i guess i'll try not to meddle too much, but i'm keeping an eye on some of my friends' budding relationships.  at least until my own comes along and i'm too distracted to care.


Lifebeginsat30ty said...

You can be my Yenta any time :)

Shelly said...

question - when do you think is the right time to have the dtr talk? i'm going through that right now :-)

tobethatguy said...


In my experience, I think that when you realize you're emotionally committed, you're making yourself vulnerable, and you feel the need to make sure that you are both on the same page -- then you have to bring it up. For the sake of your personal well-being.

As for a time-frame, I'd say probably have the DTR talk before/by the 3-4 month mark of "seeing each other," but not within the first month/ month and a half.

But it's all circumstantial. How often are you hanging out? Have you met one another's close friends? Have you met family members?? Is he telling you that he expects you to take maternity leave and stay home?