So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

an aging man's truth

well, kids, it's almost my birthday, and i'm not sure what to say.

i know you all look to me for advice and wisdom and golden nuggets of hope, but some days i don't have all the answers.  i know, i look like i do.  

because you rely on me, i will dig deep inside my heart and soul to offer up a life lesson.  give me just a minute.

well, all i can tell you after twenty-eight (28) years on this earth is this:  you never know.

you never know where you'll end up, or what you'll be doing and not doing, or whether your plans will pan out.  i can't say that, a year ago or five years ago, i would've expected to be here just wondering and trying daily to stomach uncertainty.  

twenty-seven year old Matthew knew exactly what he was doing, and he was usually smiling.  he had secured a good enough job before he graduated law school, had been quite successful at the education parts of life, and was confidently, if somewhat smugly, prepared to be just as successful at the next step.  of course he would be, he'd always gotten exactly what he wanted.  

twenty-three year old Matthew was even more confident, excited, hopeful.  he had just moved to a new city for a fresh start, was celebrating one last birthday with old friends before returning to his new home where he had only one friend, a curly-haired ginger who spoke of art and things that Matthew would never understand, but who was always there to have coffee with the lonely yet happy boy from the Midwest.

now at twenty-eight, i really don't know.  the toughest part is not that i'm not getting what i want, as i'm accustomed to doing.  more frustrating is that i no longer know what it is that i want.  it's getting hard to hope for something i can't name, but still i remain hopeful and thankful and i am usually smiling.

so there you have it, a gift of wisdom from an aging sage.  i know it's not much, but you asked, and i --- what?  you didn't ask? 


Colleen said...

ever tried doing everything you want? from eating a whole pan of brownies to whatever else extent? maybe I'm still young, but it helps me a little at times. plus its kinda fun. :]

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

I'm with Colleen! Although I pretty much always know what I want. Or I'll figure it out pretty damn fast. Or well do enough things I like until I figure it out ;)

JP said...

And in a year you'll feel completely different. You're right though. You never know.

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday, bud!