So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

for old time's sake

the other day, completely out of the blue, came a pleasant e-mail from a long lost friend:

Subject: Was just...

Text: ...thinking about our first date and smiling. Hope all is well with you.

that's all. short and sweet. i hadn't seen or heard from him in so long. it was surprisingly nice to know he was thinking of me. i had to respond immediately. in typical short-but-never-very-sweet Matthew fashion, i replied:

How's that scar I left on you?

his response:

Still there. But it's an intimate reminder of you. Tell me again why we aren't married?

i didn't tell him again why we aren't married, but i admit that i took a moment to remind myself.

and i know he won't read this, because he doesn't read my blog, or know that i have a blog, or care about silly things like blogs, probably. this afternoon he's probably in his garage building a car engine from scraps, or feeding his neighbor's horses just because he enjoys the hard work.

but those are reasons why we should be married, which caused me to digress in my internal monologue reminder. because that's the type of guy with whom, in my mind, i'd be perfect. like the second time Carrie dated Aiden, and it was really quirky and fun and beautiful.

for that reason, i'll call him Aiden.

the first date, the one he was thinking about and smiling, was amazing, and i can take absolutely no credit for it. it was all his idea, from the rollerblading on an abandoned paved road, to driving the entire way to West Virginia to ride four-wheelers in the muddy forest. Aiden was kind enough to tell me beforehand to bring several changes of clothes, my rollerblades, shoes i could throw away, and swim trunks -- because once we were covered from head to toe in mud, and he was bleeding (oops, my bad!), we'd have to go swimming to wash off.

let me just point out that i didn't intend to run him over with my four-wheeler and put a terrible gash into his otherwise perfect, muscled torso. we were trying to get my ATV un-stuck from a fallen tree i had somehow run partly over, and instead of hitting the break when he said "hit the brake!," i hit the gas. it was an honest mistake, and he didn't even bleed that much, thanks to the mud. nature's tourniquet...

the swimming that followed was fun and refreshing. i weighed, like, 100 lbs back then so i didn't know yet what insecurity was. and he was nice to look at. dinner was great, and we had earned the 3000 calories of Italian food we ate. then a movie. then i conveniently felt too tired to drive back to my place. unfortunately, whether or not i was being honest about my inability to drive home, i actually was so tired after our marathon date that i fell asleep immediately upon crawling onto his bed. drat!

so why aren't we married, other than because it's illegal here?

well, Aiden was lovely-- IS lovely, i should say. i was young, though. although he was only a few years older, he was much more mature than me. he had no patience for my games or selfishness, which i would spend the next few years getting out of my system in a tumultuous on-again-off-again relationship with someone equally immature as me.

as i sit now and smile at the thought of that fantastic, bloody date, i can't help but think that if Aiden and i were to meet today, and have a totally fresh beginning, and live in the same area code, it all might end up very differently.

but no good can come of that kind of thinking, can it?


Anonymous said...

It's for posts like this that I've become such a fan of your blog. Apologies if I'm totally stalking but I really enjoy reading these personal little monologues of yours. Thanks.

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

I totally love this post as well! And the fact that you mentioned Aiden from SATC. lol.

Cases of the right person at the wrong time are always the hardest to get over. Because that 'what if' will always be staring us in the face! *sigh*