my hero, part III

i'm currently laughing my way through my hero Chelsea Handler's third book, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang, making every attempt to read slowly and savor, but having a hard time putting it down.

Chelsea's books have brought so many laughs and laughter-induced tears into my life, and the lives of my friends who borrow my books.

as i approach Chapter 8, entitled "Dear Asshole," i'd like to look back and share a few favorite excerpts from earlier chapters. here's one that had me laughing but also amazed how similar Chelsea and i are. the people who know me well wouldn't be surprised that i totally relate to Chelsea's choice to spend a Saturday night drinking alone and crying over a movie. except my movie of choice would be Marley & Me:

My friend Sarah called me at around seven-thirty to ask me what time I wanted to go to our friend's barbecue. "Not happening," I told her. "Shit's really hit the fan over here big-time."

"Are you crying?"

"Yes. Have you seen Sex and the City?"

"Really, Chelsea?"

"Yes! Really! You were left at the altar, Sarah. Hello! Have some compassion for Sarah Jessica Parker!"

"So you're going to stay in bed on a Saturday night crying? Is that your game plan?"

"That's my plan, but it ain't no game, girl."

"Have fun. Call me tomorrow if we're all doing happy hour."

"I'll be there for happy hour." I hung up the phone.

My Bloody Mary from earlier had evaporated, so I went to make myself another one and was glad to see the sun had gone down. "Thank God."

As I was stirring my drink, I asked the Clamato juice container, "What is Clamato juice exactly? It sounds like a yeast infection."

"After reviewing the label and coming upon the words "clam juice," then spitting out my drink, I moved on to my next drink of choice when resting. A scotch neat with a splash of Crystal Light Hawaiian Punch.

Back in the bedroom, I pressed "play" on the remote, and in doing so felt like I was finally taking control of the situation. Now the girls were in Mexico, and Sarah Jessica Parker was listless and slept and didn't eat. Conversely, I was in Marina del Rey, in my bed, crying into my scotch. I wished Sarah Jessica Parker and I could be in bed together so I could roll over, brush her cheek, and assure her that everything would be okay.

i highly recommend her two previous books, My Horizontal Life and Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea, as well. to read a hilarious bit from MHL, click here.

likely more to come from CCBB.