So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Friday, January 11, 2008

please apply within

a full-time position has opened up at our organization, and applications are being accepted.

qualifications:
the ideal candidate is, above all, socially awkward: hates saying hello to people around the office, refuses to chat about anything except complaints about the work, dislikes attending social events when there is other work to be done, would rather use extra time to double-check research and re-dot all i's and re-cross all t's. the ideal candidate is "book smart" while being generally clueless about the important things in life, such as friendship and weekends and sleep. the ideal candidate will hate his or her personal life so much that all weekends and holidays will be spent in the office doing work.

requirements:
to be considered, one must meet an academic performance threshold , and he or she must be able to both write sentences and understand how to robotically conform citations to a step-by-step manual which describes how to create citations. no other requirements will be expected of you.

work environment:
all work will take place in a poorly-ventilated and extremely warm allergen hot-bed in the far corners of the law building. while work could be done from any location using the unstable medium called "the world-wide web," such behavior is explicitly prohibited, as everything on the internet is new and, ipso facto, should be distrusted.

opportunity for advancement:
if, after one year of what most mentally healthy individuals would consider to be frustrating, thankless hell, you are interested, for some reason beyond sane comprehension, in continuing with this organization, you may apply for an even more torturous position overseeing new recruits. that anyone would desire one of these positions (and the prolonged suffering attendant thereto) is baffling.

how to apply:
the application process has been thoughtfully designed to be as painful as possible. it is purposefully scheduled to occur at the end of what will likely be the worst two or three weeks of applicants' entire year. the application process lasts for ten (10) long days and nights, culminating in a written work product based upon which applicants will be judged, scrutinized, and potentially mocked.

please apply within. if you have any questions or comments, please contact us at the law review. we look forward to ruining your second (and potentially your third) year of law school. buh-bye now.

1 comment:

Patrick said...

Man, you are a total grumpster!

I can't wait to see you this weekend and cheer you up!