i left my patience at 16th and walnut.

i'm a streetwalker. it's what i do. it's part of me. it's not just how i get around. this isn't about commuting. it's about being good at something. i'm good on the street.

if streetwalking were a profession, i'd be CEO. or at least partner. Streetwalking, LLC.
because i approach walking down the street like i'm running a gauntlet.
pedestrians are unwitting hurdles i have to jump, slalom flags i have to avoid. no one is walking fast enough. ever. everyone is in the way. probably including you.

a wheelchair up ahead? i have to cross the street. i'm not dealing with that. not today.
hungry men crowded around a lunch cart? no thank you, i'll walk around. you won't slow me down. you think you're getting a cheesesteak, but some of us are trying to walk on this flat, cement surface provided for that very purpose. not for lunch. see any tables here? it's not a cafe.
otherwise reasonable women, walking in a group, turn into bumbling idiots, walking side-by-side, afraid to break rank. you want me to step to the curb and wait for you to pass? i'll walk right through you bitches. i'm 'bout to throw an elbow.
the elderly? are you kidding me? stay to the right. STAY TO THE RIGHT!
don't get me started on black teenagers. they think they own the entire street. hang up your celly and watch where you're walking!

none of you will slow me down. i'll walk in traffic if i have to.
can't you see i'm in a hurry? a huge hurry. i've never been tardy for anything, ever. you know why? because i walk like i'm already late.

if you don't know how to walk down the street like a rational adult, you need to learn. i'll teach you myself. free lessons for the good of society.
you still can't do it? can't keep up the pace? stop in the middle of a crowded sidewalk to bang out a message on your blackberry? you fail. you're no longer allowed to walk. buy a segue.



UPDATE: i'm not alone. blogger rob up in the big apple felt a similar urge to comment, new york style. check it out. and thanks for the link, patrick.
.