So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

what dreams my come

today was one of those stay-in-bed-as-long-as-you-can-without-feeling-guilty mornings. dozing. waking. dozing off again for an hour. this is basically my favorite pasttime, and i rarely get to indulge. but it has consequences.

mornings like this always bring about the most vivid dreams/nightmares. well, maybe no more vivid than any other night, but the dozing/waking pattern helps me remember the dreams.

last night my dreams were bad. scary. one dream in particular: i was at lunch with boy and his friends. a lawyer i recognized showed up and asked me about bar applications. i showed her my almost-complete bar applications, and she began chastising me for writing, rather than typing, my answers. next she criticized my handwriting. then she started whiting out all the progress i had made. finally, she told me my bar applications would be late, if they were even accepted. at the very least, i'd have to pay thousands of dollars in late fees (which isn't far from the truth, actually).

livid, i stormed out of the restaurant to catch my breath and so that no one would see me cry. when i returned, boy and his friends had left. i was all alone. i missed the boat, and i had no idea where they went. and worst of all, someone had cleared away my lunch before i finished it.

as i walked down the street by myself, i realized i was wearing seersucker shorts and sneakers. in public. in daylight.

then i woke up.

i think dreams are loud, undeniable semi-subconscious manifestations of the fears and insecurities we spend all day trying not to be upset about. so i guess my most prominent anxieties as of late are a) being left behind, b) these horrible bar applications i keep putting off, and most horrifying is c) poor fashion choices.

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