i will always love you

dear ms. parton -- dolly, if i may,

i'd like to offer you my sincere thanks for a truly fantastic show tonight. your voice is amazing, you look great, and you made us laugh so much. further, it always amazes me how many instruments you have mastered. tonight alone you played about 10 different instruments, from the fiddle to the celtic flute, or whatever that was.

as e and i drove home, we remarked that so few people truly appreciate your talent and your grandeur. people know you for those big boobs (wow, they are absolutely huge) and honky tonk personality, but they don't realize how your voice fills a performance hall. maybe we should be thankful for this, because if the general public realized how amazing you are, we couldn't have gotten 5th row tickets for only $100 each. you are a musical gift.

how is it that i am lucky enough to know your music? my ma listened to you all my life, probably even while i was floating around in her womb. i was most likely born with a taste for your smoky mountain blues and fabulous wigs, and not just because i'm a big mo. it's in my blood.

if i could offer one tiny suggestion, i would advise you just to keep the racial comments to a minimum. when you were talking about your chinese imported wigs and said "you never can trust asian hair, so thick and coarse... and once you bleach it, who knows what it's gonna do," e and i looked at one another in shock.

we had a good laugh, as did all the other white people (and the one - really, i counted - one black person) in the audience. i genuinely think you're sweet and so funny, but i wouldn't want some uppity korean to take this the wrong way. you know how uptight they can be. (no offense to any readers, of course! my best friend is asian. just kidding, she's black. just kidding, she's a dirty irish. just kidding, they're not dirty. just kidding, everyone knows they are.)

at any rate, it was an amazing show. 2 hours of non-stop laughs and tears. just like the last time i saw you in concert, "i will always love you" brought tears to my eyes. you truly have a way with music. thank you for sharing that with me, and with the rest of the world. one day they'll all appreciate you.

very truly yours,

matthew