paulo says...

There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control.


and there have been a lot of those moments in my life as of late. i have lost control. i can't catch my breath. i need to take a moment but don't have one to take. and it's lovely.

in a frenzy of change, i graduated law school, began studying for the bar, found a new apartment, threw a wild and crazy party (couldn't have done it without the help of my lovely friends), and -- wildest of all -- rearranged my breakfast nook. i know, right!? crazy.

the past week is a blur, but here's what i know for sure:

i am loved. and i love. i want to hug my awesome friends and squeeze each one of them until he or she drops dead from being loved too much, or suffocated in my soft, curly chest hair. haha just kidding... i trim that off. but for real: squeeze to death. love. suffocate.

*t makes the best pizza ever, and because it's made with fresh ingreeds and whole-wheat crust, it is a negative-calorie food. it actually burns more calories to eat and say "mmmmm" than are contained within the food item itself. win-win.

sitting on top of my refrigerator and within it are: 5 entire bottles of vodka, incl. 1 handle, 1 belvedere, 1 skyy, 2 smirnoff regular sizes. 1 bottle malibu, 2 unopened red wines, 1 huge bottle of white wine and approx. 40 beers. if you're reading this, stand up. walk to my house immediately. knock on my door. come in. have a drink. or five of them.

i am skilled at willful blindness, mostly regarding the future. as i sit on my futon in my sunny living room, feet propped up, atticus asleep on the chair beside me, i allow myself to forget about the million and one things i have to do next week, next month, before the bar, blah blah blah. some might say this is "living in the moment," or tapping into "the power of now." that's a little different, but i'm trying to get better at that, too. in little ways. by breathing deeply. by relaxing my propped-up legs and feeling my feet tingle a little. by paying attention to the sunlight getting brighter and then disappearing as a cloud must be passing overhead.

i can be moody. irrationally moody. and i occasionally need reminders, like A telling me, "matthew, all your friends are here and everything is great. what are you upset about?" or cpgb reminding me that i'm being negative and/or allowing my ego to get the best of me. thanks for the reminders, bitches.

i need to buy enough furniture to fill a big apartment, and i neither the funds nor the time to do it. i've been thinking about not decorating. not right away. usually when i move into a new place, i can't sleep for a day or two because i won't sit down until everything is in its place, unpacked, decorated, cleaned, and organized. maybe this time can be different. maybe i can live in an empty apartment until august, when i'll have time to shop, decorate thoughtfully, and max out my credit cards. fun.

i am still the luckiest.