taking inventory

yesterday i received a performance review by my clinical supervisor. i got all "excellent"s across the board. my supervisor told me, matter-of-factly, that she had tried to think of something i could have done better, so as to offer me suggestions and constructive criticism, but that she had failed. she said i was a fabulous intern, and i made the world a better place for fags and lezzies and trannies. well, okay, i added that second part myself. but she DID say that i was fabulous. and lesbians don't just throw that word around the way the boys do, so i think she really meant it.

continuing in the spirit of constructive criticism, i've decided to give myself a performance review. i should start off by saying that, thank Universe, my life is quite pleasant. things are going really well. that said, there is always room for improvement.

what's going well in my life:

1. my positive outlook
i still maintain that positive thinking is immeasurably powerful. in my life, this extends to positive music and uplifting mantras as well.

2. my new diet
given, today is only the second day, but it's still going great.
i'll admit that my soul cried when i ordered a lettuce wrap "unwich" at jimmy john's for lunch, but it turned out to be delicious. apparently, if you put 4 tablespoons of real mayonnaise on anything, it will taste like heaven. even vegetables.

3. preparing for the summer
listen dawg, it's all figured out. i bought my regalia (gayest word ever) for graduation, i paid all my bar prep program bills, i got my bar apps in on time (kinda.... $100 gets you an extension), and my summer trip is planned, y'all.

4. my romantic relationship
that's right, kids. i've taken a lover. or, as SJP would say, "a luvvah." too gay? sorry.

um, i guess all there is to say is that things are going well. i'm sublimely happy. boy seems to be happy. we have fun. i still laugh at his Borat impressions. who could possibly ask for more?

5. adventures in the gym
a few months ago i had a serious conversation with luke, my friend circle's token muscular gay, about branching out, trying new exercises, and experimenting. it's sometimes difficult for me to try a new technique, because i feel like people will watch me and judge my form. luke assured me that no one was watching me, because every buff hunk in the weight room of the gym is looking only at himself.

since that conversation, not only have i noted the proud stares and doting looks the gym hunks cast into the mirror at their own reflections, but i've overcome my anxiety about experimentation. and i feel good about it. i've even begun showering at the gym, though that's an entirely different discussion of overcoming anxiety.

what needs improvement:

1. my addiction to blogs
this one i've been trying for years to kick, and still i haven't made a dent in it, with the exception of during lent, at which time i abstained (almost) completely from the blogosphere. i will re-assert that i, myself, never accessed a celeblog. if others happened to be viewing such material on their monitors, i may have been prone to glancing in the general direction of -- YOU KNOW WHAT? i don't have to defend myself. eff you pigs!

but lately the blog viewing has gotten out of hand once again. how can i possibly study if there is the possibility that heidi and spencer were photographed in public for the 2038th time this month, and i might not have seen the latest pics? life is hard.

2. focusing on studying in general
again, life is hard. i'd rather do anything right now than study for monday's final. eff.

3. giving up beer
in the beginning of the night, i behave intelligently. i get seltzer in my drinks, rather than sugary tonic. i stick with fairly harmless vodka. then after a few of those, i get out of hand. first i order tonic, which is like sucking down an entire bottle of Sue Bee's honey.
next i'm ordering beer, because at 1 am, that's really all i want to drink, and because it's less likely to spill on the dance floor, unless i get it in a big mug and then drop it in the middle of the floor, like that time at sister's with E and T. mortifying. i can't even -- whatever.

4. teaching Atticus a little French
i feel so embarrassed sometimes by how un-cultured my only child is, so lately i've begun speaking french to him. only in small doses, because - let's be honest - my own command of the language is at about a three year old's level.
but when i say "bonjour le chat!" or "oooh, mon chat noir!" he barely responds. is it possible that Attipuss shares our nation's unwarranted disdain for the birthplace of champagne and croissant?

5. eating fruits & veggies
last week i ate a rotten banana just to prove cpg wrong, because she says i never finish the produce i buy before it goes bad. apparently frozen vegetables don't count?
cpg remains correct, despite my eating that banana, because it was so rotten that i spread it onto bread as if it were butter. and then i gagged it down. anything to prove a point. i mean, what? i didn't just admit that.
starting TODAY, i'm going to eat more fruit. well, no. that requires going to the grocery store. but i will eat more fruit-flavored trident, and when i finally make it to rittenhouse mark-up, i'll buy some fruit. and i may even eat it.


okay, that's enough criticism for now. i feel totally deflated. and you know, it's amazing that there's so much room for improvement, considering how flawless i undoubtedly appear to everyone who knows and/or encounters me.