So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

to-do list

in light of a dear friend's upcoming trek to visit me in always-sunny Philadelphia, i've put together a LIST of suggested advice and activities.

while not exhaustive, nor in any way mandatory, these are tips found to be helpful based on several years of experience with countless out-of-town guests:

things to do in philly when you're visiting matthew
  1. always bring vodka and hugs
  2. oh, and benadryl if you're allergic to catticus
  3. be prepared for day-drinking any time after 12:01 PM
  4. decide whether you want nachos/fish tacos or an awesome burger. eventually, i will ask
  5. have you detoxed your liver lately? if not, too late. add your name to a transplant list
  6. know your way around the 'hood at 2 AM. sometimes i am a bad host and wander home without you. if you're truly lost, you can probably find me at Wendy's
  7. take a preemptive "break" from your significant other, so that you'll have a viable defense later
  8. we will likely be eating gay pizza after 2 AM; however, you will not remember doing so
  9. if you have any intentions of visiting historical sites or museums, please understand ahead of time that you will do nothing of the sort
  10. don't plan to do any special shopping. this is not New York. any store we have here, you have at home.
  11. wear comfortable shoes. in this economic climate, taking a taxi is hardly justifiable
  12. please do not use phrases such as "in this economic climate" while in my presence; seriously, people, that phrase is beyond hackneyed
  13. also, never say "clubbing." ever. not now or any time in the future; only people from New Jersey say that
  14. we sleep with the windows open, even in mid-winter; ask for the unicorn blanket
  15. day 2 will be difficult, but you will still be expected to go out and have fun
  16. if you've fantasized about the amazing restaurants Philly has to offer, think again. think Qdoba
  17. don't be alarmed by all the pill-popping; most of them are over-the counter, i just hate experiencing dizziness/headaches/congestion/pain/allergies/despair
  18. numb your senses and emotions in preparation for all the homeless people
  19. feel free to visit Love Park and the Rocky steps for a photo-op... while i'm napping at home

remember, these are only suggestions. and if you readers have anything to add, please let me know and i will be sure to add it to this list for future visits.

here's hoping for a fun upcoming weekend! for that matter, for a fun hundred weekends to come! just gotta make it through the week(s).


Rick said...

Oh Matthew! I adore you! This post had me laughing so much ;-)

Anonymous said...

goddammit matthew. you know i hate setting foot in that wretched city you choose to call home, but your list makes me want to come visit you.