So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

a few of my favorite things

i've shared my favorites lists in the past, but this time i'm sharing just one favorite thing, a thing that is bringing so much joy and humor into my life. that thing is called a Richard Lawson.

if you're a fan of reality television, and you like to laugh until your hidden abs ache, you should keep up with Gawker writer Richard Lawson's tv show re-caps. his reviews of this season's American Idol performances and performers have been spot-on and hilarious; he had me laughing until i cried after every installment of High Society; and now i find myself with tears in my eyes as i read his review of Bravo's Real Housewives of New York. normally i just talk about Lawson's comedic re-caps with A, but since A is out of town and doesn't watch RHONY anyway, i have to share with you.

i could post pages and pages of my favorite Richard Lawson quotes, because he's full of brilliant golden nuggets, but for now there's one example i simply must share. it comes from his review of Thursday's truly mind-numbing RHONY episode. if you didn't see it, ohhhhh it was a doozie! in a nutshell, Kelly loses her mind. the end. watching the scene unfold was somewhat frightening to me at the time, but RL's review turns the terror into laughter. if you saw the episode, you'll notice that RL doesn't have to exaggerate much when tv is this insane.

Ramona had passed out on the table the night before so she just kind of seal-shuffled her way off'a there and into a chair. Sonja had just finished washing the blood off her hands when she heard the breakfast bell and came running. Bethenny was checking her email on a tiny computer, and Kelly... Well, Kelly didn't want to eat breakfast because she'd just eaten a bunch of pills in her stateroom, so she wasn't hungry. But she came to the breakfast room anyway, crashing her way through walls the whole way there, and was all jumpy and squiggly and itchy. This did not spell good things.

At first the breakfast was going fine — Ramona was vomiting up pinot grigio in interesting shapes, Sonja was rubbing at a dark red spot on the cuff of her white shirt, Bethenny was getting some good tiny emails — but then Beth had to go and sit down and start talking about how Kelly had called her a hobag the night before and then she mentioned that she was a chef and Kelly darted in, blurted, "Cook!" Meaning Bethenny is a cook, not a chef. (Like Rachael Ray.) Bethenny was all "Oh helllll to the no," and started mixing it up with Kelly, who was just opening and shutting her jaw continuously at this point, turning her head back and forth and saying "Gnyah gnyah gnyah..." And then of course she would say "Cook! Cook. Cook. Coooook...." just to bother Bethenny and the other girls sat there being all "WTF?"

later that day
While the girls were off on their really professional swimshoot, Bethenny was home in the creepy mansion putting together SkinnyGirl giftbags. They were cute canvas giftbags with all the girls' initials on them. She even made one for Kelly! Isn't that nice? Well, no, apparently it's not. When Kelly came back to her room she saw the bag sitting by the door and made a grunting sound and brought it inside. "The fuck is this??? The fuck is this?????" she bellowed. She rooted around in the bag, saying "Where's the pills? Where's the powder??" but there were no pills, and there was no powder, there was only booze and a SkinnyGirl brand men's grooming kit. Kelly was horrified. Kelly was horrified to tears. Yes, she started crying.
and later, at dinner
At one point Bethenny got up to go cry or vomit or both, leaving someone else vulnerable to a Kellyattack. That person happened to be Alex. Poor, unwitting, turnip truck Alex. Alex started talking about the day's photoshoot and how Kelly had made her a little nervous with the camera and Kelly was just full on full-body buzzing at this point and she just lashed out at Alex. "You're a vampire!" she declared, teeth falling out of her mouth like hail. "Huh?" everyone in the world asked. "A what?" "A vampire," Kelly declared again and then started dancing in her chair. Sonja and Ramona both took big lumberjack gulps of Patio Pinot (lumberjacks love that shit) and prayed for a lightning strike or something.

you should definitely keep an eye out for Lawson's news posts and tv show re-caps, which are more entertaining than the actual programs themselves, on Gawker.

No comments: