So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Alaskan dreams

the other night as i was watching tv, a Brawny paper towel commercial came on and i noticed that the old, familiar porn-stached Brawny man from my childhood has been replaced by a new, slightly metrosexual woodsman.

i immediately appreciated the change. instead of being reminded of one of my rapey-eyed uncles, i now think of my 6'2" 250-lb future husband every time i see these paper towels.

i thought about asking you guys, "Has anyone else noticed that there's a new Brawny man in town, and that he might be gay?" but then i searched for photos of the new logo, and i quickly learned that, yes, people had taken notice. several bloggers beat me to the punch by more than a week. nothing goes unnoticed in today's media-connected world. if i knew how to work Twitter, i'd search for #@&Brawny or whatever and i'm sure a million twats would come up.

i guess i hadn't noticed the paper towel commercials, probably because i have DVR and fast forward through every pre-recorded show, rather than watch commercials. we've got it down to an art in this household: we wait until 18 minutes past the hour before beginning hour-long shows. that way, we needn't watch any commercials, but we're caught up before the show's final moments, which is especially important when watching reality television.

or maybe i finally noticed the commercial because i was sober that evening. i've been sober a lot lately, i'm not sure why. i think i need a new drug, as beer and vodka are getting old. (anyone have access to horse tranquilizers? let me know!) but i digress...

the new Brawny man is on my mind a lot today because my dear friend Casshole wants us to move to Alaska and meet big burly men and raise babies and/or reindeer together. ever since i told HER that MY mom told ME that in Alaska, men outnumber women 10 to 1, she's been eager to move there. i'm not sure how my mom knew that factoid. i should ask her about Alaska's homo population, since apparently she's knowledgeable about Alaskan demographics.

in order to better inform me about starting a great new career in Alaska, Cass sent me this "helpful" article published by the AK Dept. of Labor. it's actually quite humorous. in a nutshell, it says:
A lot of people attempt to fulfill their American dreams by moving to gorgeous Alaska to find an exciting job in an exotic locale. Unfortunately, many of those people starve to death. Our unemployment rates are super high, the oil has dried up, and the fish are all poisonous or already floating belly-up. Many of our cities can't be accessed via highways, so absolutely you need a boat or a helicopter to get around. The weather is harsh, and unpredictable even in the Summer. We recommend that you vacation here instead. LOVE YA! --AK

soooo yeah... i don't think i'll be stealing my roommate's extensive collection of Patagonia fleeces and moving out of the lower 48 to find my own Brawny man any time soon. that said, i remain open to the whole wide world of possibilities. i just require a little bit of certainty, and preferably medical and dental coverage, before making a huge leap.

p.s. Cass, i checked the AT&T coverage map, and AK residents can't get phone service. so, basically, i'd be able to make the same number of successful, uninterrupted calls from the tundra as i am able to make while here in Philly.

No comments: