So, this is my life.
And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
love me more
i'm starting to realize that there comes a point in every relationship when we're asked to compromise ourselves. inevitably there will come a watershed moment that, big or small, determines our commitment to the cause. to the relationship.
it might be a "big" issue, such as whether you will move for a partner or whether you will move in with him finally -- a huge life choice that should never be made capriciously, and should never be made for someone else, but one that will most likely be made to please that someone.
or it might be a "small" issue, such as being asked for a simple commitment, for a promise, or for effort. these are the compromises that get me. they're seemingly so easy to oblige. just to see someone smile. just to make someone happy for one more day, to steady the rocky boat just a little while longer. yet i have a track record of being bad at the small compromises. it's difficult for me to say the words that will make someone else happy when i know that i don't truly mean them. it's painful to make promises that i suspect i won't keep. in the end, i appear to be the selfish guy or the bad guy; but i mean no harm.
you see, the decision not to compromise isn't intended to hurt anyone, or to be a reflection of the love between two people. it's simply the result of a balancing test that doesn't quite add up, a rational consideration of whether this is the appropriate time or place at which to compromise. or the appropriate person for whom to do so.
my few loyal readers know that i am a romantic. i love love, and i'm a fan of relationships, in all their ugliness and beauty. i want to be and find a husband just as much as -- if not more than -- the next guy, and i'm willing to do just about anything in the pursuit of that truly great relationship. but in addition to being a silly romantic, i'm also an idealist. compromises are difficult for the hopeful, for the idealistic.
some day, at the correct time and place, when the scales are tipped far enough in favor of doing everything to make it work with someone too special to risk losing, i hope that i will make the appropriate commitments and compromise everything. but until i'm sure...
in the words of the great Samantha Jones, "I love you. But I love me more."