So, this is my life.

And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

no, really. EVER.

remember the shock and horror i expressed after wasting two hours of my life on "Lady in the Water," one of the most recent pieces of total shit coming from M.Night.Shamalamadong?

well that was nothing compared to the rage i felt last night after suffering through THE FOUNTAIN.

i should know better than to pick a film off the shelf the moment i see it and think to myself, "hmmm, i've never heard of this before." yeah, there's a REASON you've never heard of it before, jackass!

but the box was interesting. and i was in the mood for something fantastical.
and, let's be honest, my primary motivation was that it stars Huge Ackman.

it was all downhill after the dvd cover.

and just to ensure that you never capriciously pluck it off a rental store shelf or click on the title on your On Demand list, i'll tell you what happens. in a nutshell.

the film follows three stories in one.
1. HugeAckman is a brilliant brain surgeon or something who is fighting to save the life of his fug wife, Rachel Weisz, who I have never really liked to begin with, and so I wasn't terribly sympathetic to the huge tumor eating up her brain as her studhorse husband raced against the clock, slaughtering monkey after monkey to cure tumors. mmm... monkeys...

the only redeeming quality of the film pops up in this story-line, and this is it: manstud with zac efron hair in all his scenes.

2. Huge also plays the role of the fictitious Conquistador in the manuscript written by his dying tumor-head wife. When he reads his wife's manuscript, he slips into a trance (AKA falls asleep out of boredom) and becomes the main character. the Conquistador is roaming through the Mayan jungle to find the Tree of Life, the sap of which is actually the fountain of youth.

3. The third story-line is disjointed and utterly confusing. the entire film would have been better without this part. basically, a naked, hairless, albino Huge Ackman lives in a bubble that is floating through the heavens toward a star. when he and his bubble reach the star at the end of the movie, he bursts into flames. until then, he survives by eating the bark of the tree that is, actually, his dying wife. SICK, dude.
not to give away the ending or anything, but EVERYONE DIES, basically. the brilliant surgeon fails to cure his wife, and the tumor just EATS HER BRAINS! and he goes crazy. the Conquistador finds the fountain of youth, but when he drinks its sap, he turns into an eternal bush (seriously, WTF?). and like i said, naked man in bubble bursts into flames.

for the love of god, don't rent this crap. i know i'm not Roger Ebert, but you've gotta trust me this time. you'll regret wasting your time watching The Fountain.

in fact, you've just wasted several minutes of your precious, ever-trickling-away life just reading about it. and if you wish you could get these past few minutes back, just imagine how i felt about the two hours i wasted last night.

i hate everything!!!!

to sum it up, WORST. MOVIE. EVER.

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