blog of the week

continuing my favorite blogs series, i am delighted to direct your attention to another awesome blog:

texts from last night

as you know, i cherish text messages and the memories they sharpen. here are a few of my faves:

(508): So how was he last night?
(617): Five-minute foot-long.


(617): Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name


(347): weddingsv make me drug and hornr


(248): If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.


(773): Taylor Swift is so right about you.


(908): the vacuum is drunk
(703): what?
(908): i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk


(925): so explain again why im purple
(617): no


(512): I pooped in a mop bucket.
(1-512): WTF???
(512): Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that


(619): Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!

just. brilliant.

i can't help but wonder: are we all living the same life, in varying degrees of alcoholism and fun? i think we may be.


thanks to m'gurl Aly for the heads up on this one!


p.s. i apologize for the intense linkage. i went overboard.

cummings says...

Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.

hmm... do we believe in this yet?

an interesting editorial on bisexuality in the current Philadelphia Weekly:

“The difference between a straight guy and a gay guy,” I was once reliably informed by the owner of a London all-male m*sturbation club, “is about two pints.”

I was drinking my third pint at the time.

An awful lot of people think I’m gay. By which I mean an awful lot of people think the only reason anyone would ever write about sexuality is because they’re gay.

“Why do you give a shit?” asked a gay pop star I was interviewing for an NME article about homophobia—shortly after my then-girlfriend brought him a cup of tea and some digestive cookies.

Then again, an awful lot of people think I’m straight. I’m married to a woman. I shop at the Gap. Most of the people I’ve ever had sex with have been female. Most of the people I’ve ever seen on the street who’ve made my eyes bulge out on stalks and my drooling tongue fall out of my mouth and my cartoon heart pound like a jackhammer have been female. And when (for research purposes) I look at straight porn, I probably spend more time looking at the females than I do the ubiquitous, enormous, r*ck-hard c*cks.

So I guess that makes me straight. Straighter than I was at 16. But, just for the record—to paraphrase that quintessential bet-hedging sexual toe-dipper Katy Perry—I have kissed a boy, and I liked it.

bisexuality... hm.

sure, i've had fun kissing girls (thanks to $5 pitchers of beer at McGillins, and the fact that i have some hot lady friends), but that doesn't mean i'm bi. ... does it?

and i know sexuality is a spectrum, and for some people it's fluid, especially for women -- yet i never have been able to wrap my brain around bisexuality.

have you?

outta my, outta my head

Fearless, with cape in hand
Conquer what I need to to mend
Little girls get so broken
But I sit so patiently
Drenched in what you want me to be
I can't see no escape

I'm ready now, oh I'm ready now
Oh I'm ready now
Come get me

Through with golden roads and perfect love
Too much of your mouth is like too much sun
How I burn, how I burn
I was so patient, waiting for my turn
Fly like stone... as I break every bone

Come get me

listen.

Ready - Kelly Clarkson

rain shmain

i don't care if the weather will be ugly.


is it wednesday yet??

the perfect gift

i can't wait until my friends start having children.

i feel you

i know this was a stunt to draw attention to global warming, yada yada yada...

but let's focus on ME.

it's hot out there.




... that's... pretty much all i had to say.

you're worth it

let me paint a picture for you.

you know my apartment, right? the apartment i have loved and lived in for a year?
you wouldn't recognize it if you saw it today.

in my entryway: a mattress leaning up against the wall. i hope it doesn't fall.
covering my fireplace: box springs leaning up against the wall. i really hope they don't fall when someone's sitting on the couch.
blocking the path to the kitchen: a chair and an ottoman. at least they match my couch.
in my bedroom: a huge brown sofa sits beside my bed. atticus likes that.
and scattered throughout the place: two huge book shelves, a massive flat-screen tv, a dresser, a wine rack, a cabinet, and about 80 J.Crew bags filled with books, pots, pans, headbands, shoes, and seemingly thousands of female undergarments.

but, shauna, you're worth it.

change is difficult. it's unnerving. but it's necessary if we're ever going to move on. to move up. and we're movin' on up -- i can feel it.

between now and then, i'm going to have the joy of once again living with a dear gal pal. we'll work out the furniture situation. and eventually i'll pack up my apartment and send it off somewhere to set it up again. there's a lot going on right now. hectic. but it's worth it.

revisiting an old fave

Sarah: [answers phone] Hello?
Natalie: Hi. Sarah? It's Natalie.
Sarah: Natalie... Tall, thin Natalie? or Natalie Bishop?
Natalie: Natalie Bishop.
Sarah: Ooooh. Hiiii...

my morning smile

mmm... sheet cake...

to-do list

in light of a dear friend's upcoming trek to visit me in always-sunny Philadelphia, i've put together a LIST of suggested advice and activities.

while not exhaustive, nor in any way mandatory, these are tips found to be helpful based on several years of experience with countless out-of-town guests:


things to do in philly when you're visiting matthew

1. always bring vodka and hugs
   
2. oh, and benadryl if you're allergic to catticus
   
3. be prepared for day-drinking any time after 12:01 PM
4. decide whether you want nachos/fish tacos or an awesome burger. eventually, i will ask
5. have you detoxed your liver lately? if not, too late. add your name to a transplant list
   
6. know your way around the 'hood at 2 AM. sometimes i am a bad host and wander home without you. if you're truly lost, you can probably find me at Wendy's
7. take a preemptive "break" from your significant other, so that you'll have a viable defense later
8. we will likely be eating gay pizza after 2 AM; however, you will not remember doing so
   
9. if you have any intentions of visiting historical sites or museums, please understand ahead of time that you will do nothing of the sort
10. don't plan to do any special shopping. this is not New York. any store we have here, you have at home.
11. wear comfortable shoes. in this economic climate, taking a taxi is hardly justifiable
12. please do not use phrases such as "in this economic climate" while in my presence; seriously, people, that phrase is beyond hackneyed
    
13. also, never say "clubbing." ever. not now or any time in the future; only people from New Jersey say that
14. we sleep with the windows open, even in mid-winter; ask for the unicorn blanket
    
15. day 2 will be difficult, but you will still be expected to go out and have fun
16. if you've fantasized about the amazing restaurants Philly has to offer, think again. think Qdoba
17. don't be alarmed by all the pill-popping; most of them are over-the counter, i just hate experiencing dizziness/headaches/congestion/pain/allergies/despair
18. numb your senses and emotions in preparation for all the homeless people
19. feel free to visit Love Park and the Rocky steps for a photo-op... while i'm napping at home
    

remember, these are only suggestions. and if you readers have anything to add, please let me know and i will be sure to add it to this list for future visits.

here's hoping for a fun upcoming weekend! for that matter, for a fun hundred weekends to come! just gotta make it through the week(s).

must-have

if you take one piece of advice from me this week, please go out and get yourself some of these delicious and relatively healthy treats.they're amazing.

honestly, they might be even better than popchips.
find out for yourself!

quote of the week, thus far

"That looks like what my dog threw up on the bed this morning."

-my co-worker, talking about the soup i just made.


fyi, it's delicious.

i can see spring from here, part II

april flowers.


captured by T during a road trip to princeton.
have you checked out her ponderings lately?

outta my, outta my head

It's all right, and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold onto your secrets in white houses

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I've come undone at the things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love, and we all got hurt

whatever happened to vanessa carlton? i still like.

i laugh at dumb jokes

Andrew: Where are you goin?

Me: I'm walking to hole foods.

Andrew: AKA Dunkin Donuts?

Andrew: ... get it?

i can see spring from here

quote of the week, thus far

a friend to me: "It means a lot when you're nice."


for the record, i'm ALWAYS nice!

bouncing

...it's like crashing, except you get to do it over and over again.

dear me

sometimes you can't wait around for someone else to say what you need to hear.



in other news, i'm an independent woman, y'all. i may even be an island.

misty water-colored mmrs

forgive my sentimentality this morning, but i'm facing a sad day. the sky weeps for me as i take a step i've been putting off for more than a month.

it's time to get rid of my cell phone. i haven't used it since the Blackberry was invented approximately one month ago, but i've been holding onto it for a different reason.

you see, sometimes late at night when all the world is sleeping, i stay up and click through old text messages. some are funny, some are sweet, but most of them are my primary reminders of important or exciting events. and so i save them.

don't judge. you probably do it, too.

so as i get ready to pull the SIM card out of my cute little Lauren Conrad LG phone, i'd like to share with you, as well as keep on record, just a few of my favorite received text memories:

minutes after i found out i passed the bar exam and texted everyone who cared:
Oct 08, 11:19 AM
Omg omg omg omg! I'm in classss but ill call you in 40 mins!

true blood kept us on the edge of our seats last fall:
Oct 12, 9:44 PM
Bitch gon eat that whole pie!

called out on my slang:
Nov 02, 10:08 PM
u r SO NOT ra.zoe.

her mother knows best:
Dec 19, 12:26 AM
I told my mom where I was going and she said I should be at home reading my bible. HA!

a rare moment of weakness and recognition:
Jan 15, 12:14 AM
I just want to see your face and smell your skin. And to hold you. Delete this, by the way.

just another night out. eric always gets lost:
Feb 07, 1:22 AM
Wwhere ate u?

after eating indian food with a friend, then informing her i did a number 3:
Mar 19, 9:50 PM
I just did a 2. Stomach is still rumbling though!

and we did:
Jan 07, 9:29 PM
When u come visit me, i think we should really get our drunk on.

valentine's day:
Feb 13, 4:43 PM
Waited for the mailman.

and my favorite text of all time, which kept me and the drunky sender laughing for days:
Mar 14, 1:40 AM
Mdmng... 33 555666lost Shaatnas qhone


goodbye, little cell phone. we've had some good times. thanks for the reminders.

whitman* says...

Don't ask yourself what the world needs - ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

*not walt, by the way.

my own little archuleta

ash, you're lovely.

on the upswing

yesterday i googled 'how to improve my karma.'

i've been at the end of my rope, and i think it's about time that god cut me a break. in the past week, i have:

-experienced the shame of a baaad drunk night and having to be put to bed by dear friends
-gotten a mystery bruise that almost left me with a black eye
-cut my right foot while moving furniture
-eaten something that gave me --- er -- stomach issues for an entire day
-had two separate arguments with two separate exes, for zero real reasons
-lost a chunk of my left ring finger while sorting recycling (while i was trying to do something good! that ain't right.)
-had a fight with atticus, which left me bleeding and him once again the ruler of my house
-experienced a dreadfully awkward first (and last!) date at Valanni, a lovely restaurant that i must avoid for a while, long enough for the aura to improve
-accidentally called a long lost high school friend's mother a "fat whale," more or less, while catching up with that old friend over the phone

and that's only in a week. don't get me started on the past couple months.

apparently it's time that i start smiling at strangers, giving my granola bars to homeless people, and allowing only kind words to roll off my tongue. at least for a little while until i'm back on top.

happy holiday, everyone. may your god bless you and keep you. be well. pray for me.

namaste.

rainy day wish

it's gettin' better

Yeah, I got to work on time again this morning
This old job is all that I got left
And no one even noticed I'd been crying
At least I don't have whiskey on my breath.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna make it
'Cause God won't make a mountain I can't climb
It's getting better all the time.

...my inborn affinity for country music rears its ugly head.

let's go back

way back when.

stick it to the hole!

Dear Roger Ebert,

You sexy, sexy man! I thought I knew you, yet I knew you not.

I assumed that you spent all your time watching movies and providing supportive and unjustifiably optimistic DVD box quotations like "This one will keep you smiling!" or "You'll hear about this one at the water cooler!" for even the worst of the lot, like El Cantante or P.S. I Love You (the guiltiest of my pleasures). I assume the movie studios slip you a wad of cash every time you go against human instinct by supporting one of these travesties. If so, good for you!

What I didn't know about you is that you have a hot passive-aggressive side and a quick wit. I didn't know you're a closet politico. And I didn't know you had the balls to publicly and loudly stick it to the asshole that the rest of us want to see die in a firey plane crash off the coast of Provincetown, providing a romantic glow to all the clam-baking homos that bigot-for-pay hates so much. Of course I'm talking about Bill O'Reilly. Ohhh, even his name makes my blood boil.

In case you forgot, here's the verbal spanking you gave that a-hole:

Thoughts on Bill O'Reilly and Squeaky the Chicago Mouse

By Roger Ebert / April 7, 2009

Dear Bill: Thanks for including the Chicago Sun-Times on your exclusive list of newspapers on your "Hall of Shame." To be in an O'Reilly Hall of Fame would be a cruel blow to any newspaper. It would place us in the favor of a man who turns red and starts screaming when anyone disagrees with him. My grade-school teacher, wise Sister Nathan, would have called in your parents and recommended counseling with Father Hogben.

Yes, the Sun-Times is liberal, having recently endorsed our first Democrat for President since LBJ. We were founded by Marshall Field one week before Pearl Harbor to provide a liberal voice in Chicago to counter the Tribune, which opposed an American war against Hitler. I'm sure you would have sided with the Trib at the time.

I understand you believe one of the Sun-Times misdemeanors was dropping your syndicated column. My editor informs me that "very few" readers complained about the disappearance of your column, adding, "many more complained about Nancy." I know I did. That was the famous Ernie Bushmiller comic strip in which Sluggo explained that "wow" was "mom" spelled upside-down.

Your column ran in our paper while it was owned by the right-wing polemicists Conrad Black (Baron Black of Coldharbour) and David Radler. We dropped it to save a little money after they looted the paper of millions. Now you call for an advertising boycott. It is unusual to observe a journalist cheering for a newspaper to fail. At present the Sun-Times has no bank debt, but labors under the weight of millions of dollars in tax penalties incurred by Lord Black, who is serving an eight-year stretch for mail fraud and obstruction of justice. We also had to pay for his legal expenses.

There is a major difference between Conrad Black and you: Lord Black is a much better writer and thinker, and authored a respected biography about Roosevelt, who we were founded to defend. That newspapers continue to run your column is a mystery to me, since it is composed of knee-jerk frothings and ravings. If I were an editor searching for a conservative, I wouldn't choose a mad dog. My recommendation: The admirable Charles Krauthammer.

Bill, I am concerned that you have been losing touch with reality recently. Did you really say you are more powerful than any politician?

That reminds me of the famous story about Squeaky the Chicago Mouse. It seems that Squeaky was floating on his back along the Chicago River one day. Approaching the Michigan Avenue lift bridge, he called out: Raise the bridge! I have an erection!

Good job, Rog! Just lovely...

Love,

M

my morning smile

thanks, felines. you + captions always bring joy to my life.

(me and every single, 45 year old woman. ugh.)


thousands more at this classic site, if you're into this sort of thing.

big things. HUGE.

unless you've been living under a rock, you're probably aware that BIG things are happening these days in the advancement of equal rights for the gay and lesbian community -- so many good things that it's becoming difficult to keep up!

fortunately, my buddy Athas and his pal Karissa are doing a great job keeping us all informed with their LGBT Law Blog.

one of my favorite things about this blog is that its name ALWAYS makes me think of Bob Loblaw from Arrested Development. HA! that show gets me every time...

anyway, stay focused, this is serious business: keep checking in on the LGBT Law Blog (accessible via my handy LINKS list to the right --> ) for updates and for, i trust, more good news every day.

things are happening, y'all.

world's greatest mysteries

did i walk the entire way to work unzipped?

or, within those ten blocks, did my zipper jump slowly downward, notch by notch, link by link, until it rested at the bottom?



in completely unrelated news, i would posit that tighty whities are likely the warmest style of male undergarment.

go away

promise me something.

promise me that when you're having another average, orderly day, one of these days that leaves you feeling ever so slightly suffocated, that you'll just go away.

it won't take you much time at all.

i want you to go to a bookstore, but B&N just won't do. if you're in center city, go to this messy, stale-aired, little bookstore on Sansom called Joseph Fox Book Shop. if you're not in my neighborhood, please try to find an alternative. they're everywhere (though less abundant as time and recession wear on), and i trust you can find one of your own. in Shadyside, try the back aisle at Kards Unlimited, one of my favorite places in the 412.

promise me you'll find one.

and in return i promise you that within a minute of walking in, you'll have gotten away from it all, from whatever day you were trying to get through. there's something about Joseph Fox's creaky wooden floors, its utterly disorgenized shelves, and the epitomic bookworms waiting patiently behind the counters to lend a hand when you ask - and you almost certainly will ask - for help finding what you're looking for.

and if i may ask for one more, tiny act on your part: find one of many Pablo Neruda books, pull it out of the wall, try to have faith in the translations, and breathe deeply as you read something sharp and intense.

it's exactly what was missing from your idle afternoon. missing from this dreary season. you just hadn't realized it.

here's what i found:

I do not love you except because I love you; I go from loving to not loving you, From waiting to not waiting for you My heart moves from cold to fire. I love you only because it's you the one I love; I hate you deeply, and hating you Bend to you And the measure of my changing love for you Is that I do not see you but love you blindly. Maybe January light will consume My heart with its cruel Ray, stealing my key to true calm. In this part of the story I am the one who Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you, Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

who knows what you'll find?

mmhmmm

more secrets.

bitter, party of one

an old fave. this one was stuck in my head for the better part of 2004.

you promised me.
you promised me

you are *#&$^#@.

in the mood

just because it's that 'blah, i need a nap' time of the day, when lunch is settling and everyone is quiet and everything exciting that will have happened today already did, and because it's a super dreary and rainy april day (though, remember! may flowers...) and it's already cloudfully dark outside despite being only in the 3 PMs, and let's face it i am just not in a great mood despite my 4-day work week and fun little debaucherous upcoming trip, and by little i really do mean little, it's a quick trip, i'm still a mood head today, maybe because i hurt my back on saturday and thought it was all better so i lifted (weights, obvi) today and re-pulled that ish doing military press, which i've even pulled my back doing before and really should have expected or - hello, idiota - prevented, and also maybe because people on gchat are being annoying, and also because there is another me in philadelphia who is trying to steal my identity and use it in a less attractive way and with a less attractive middle initial, and also because i'm totes sick of the 5,983 e-mails i'm getting from match dot com (i've honestly gotten three just while typing this) telling me to pay them money to connect with the love of my life they have already found for me, when really all i wanted was to look around a little and see what sluts this homoful city has to offer, and honestly if someone isn't smart enough to use his or her AIM name as their Match name or at least to realize that i've already done that so as to avoid paying, then that person probably isn't smart enough for me to be going on a date with anyway so i'm not paying to find out who he is, but like i was saying, just because of all that, i wanted to share with you this pretty photo i took on a day that was neither dreary nor moody nor grumpy but rather was warm and sunny and was just on sunday, as A and i were walking around Society Hill and wondering aloud how all those festival planners could possibly know when the cherry blossoms are going to blossom and in the event that no blooms bloom, does DC cancel its festival, or are they chemically induced like an overdue baby? do you know?

spring in austria

so clear, apparently, that you can see toward forever.

note: not my photo,
rather, it's from A.Sullivan's "The View From Your Window." posted about a month ago, but i can't stop staring at it.



let's go to Austria. thanks.