what are you, person?

dear danity kane -- or, dear aubrey o'day, rather. since you're the only one who seems to have a personality or the ability to speak on your own:

i'm writing to let you know that, despite good intentions and strong motives, i cannot dislike you. i've tried. i've explained to myself why i should not listen to your saucy singles, why you're not real artists, why the titties are probably faaaake. and yet i've failed.

as you well know, you are a musical group with no depth whatsoever. you were thrown together into a mixing bowl reality tv show and whipped up for the sole purpose of making money. music is simply a byproduct of that process for you and your creator-god, to whom we shall refer as diddy. because i guess that's what he wants to be called these days. praise his name in the highest.

you girls have no interpersonal relationship aside from what mtv has captured/scripted/produced. you've weathered no storms together, except a couple break-ups (which were bound to happen, because that's how mtv deals with ex-boyfriends back home. we all know that, after 98 seasons of the real world).

and i'm pretty sure that each of you girls has just as much personal depth as the group itself. i mean, you haven't survived a meth addiction like fergie ferg! and you didn't have a painful childhood and the resulting yo-yo weight loss/gain problems with which janet struggles every month (during which time she gains, and subsequently loses, approximately 75 pounds). same goes for my gurl kelly clarkson; i love that bulimic angel. and you're not well-rounded like karina (see below!), who -- well, i don't know anything about karina, except that she's got some hot pipes and probably a very incredible story to tell on oprah someday.

and then there's danity kane. you girls came from middle class homes where the worst problem you faced were alcoholic, workaholic fathers and mothers who were extremely critical of everything you did. even when you succeeded. well, welcome to the dollhouse -- er. i mean, welcome to america. you're just like every other young woman in this country: total sluts.

so, as you see, i've come up with many reasons to dislike you. yet i listen. and this summer i have gotten addicted to songs like "damaged" and now "bad girl." speaking of which, it was so nice of you little kids to ask missy elliot to sing with you. who would've thought an old grandma could be a star somewhere other than the church choir? i bet it's the gastric bypass. that's why diddy asked missy to sing wichoo sluts. and that's nice. i like that about you/diddy. god, i want gastric bypass soon... anyway....

so i'll continue listening to your music and walking around my apartment singing, "DO -- DO YOU" and not finishing it (only to hear A in another room singing, "got a first aid KIT" if i'm lucky). and i'll watch aubrey's silly interviews and cleavage, which seems to have a publicist of its own.

but i will never be a groupie the way i am with kelly clarkson. and i promise that i will never swoon when i see you at a bra signing at victoria's secret PINK! rather, i will do my best to wonkily look you in the eyes and ask, in true vapid whore paris hilton fashion, "what are you, person? you remind me of something...?"

love,

mattity kane


p.s. aubrey: please tell jesse mccartney i frickin' luv him! thanks!



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