resolved to come up with a resolution

since brunch with T and MP this morning, i've been contemplating a New Year's resolution.  


thus far, i've come up with nothing solid.


of course there are the usual, "lose XX lbs" and "find a job i don't loathe" resolutions, but i need to think bigger.  or "Dream Big," which was the theme of my urban family's New Year's To-Do List just a couple of years ago.  


the curious thing is that, back when life was pretty perfect and i had few to no complaints, i could come up with so many resolutions and to-do's, including big ones.  now that i need to be dreaming big and coming up with new goals and new plans, i am having trouble coming up with them.  maybe life follows the principle of inertia -- i.e., a life in forward motion tends to stay in forward motion; whereas, a life that has slowed down or stagnated tends to stay in that state.  


and just like that, my resolution occurred to me.  


gain momentum.  move forward.  stay in motion.

but first i need to find an outfit for a friend's NYE party, and i need to ring in 2011 with a bunch of great people, a little too much vodka, and maybe even a bang.*



*like fireworks, or whatever.

weatherford says...

We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.

 
Christmas weekend at home was perfect.  i got to see family members who i like; i didn't have to see many i don't like.  my family and i got to share the holiday with two of my long-time friends, Cassifrass and Kim.  i got a few nice gifts, including gift cards that will keep me in lattes and new sweaters for a while.  

moreover, i appreciated the holiday so much because past holidays weren't always enjoyable.  i used to dread going home for Christmas.  there were several years when i wished that i could stay in my dorm room or my apartment and share the holiday with myself.  no amount of gifts could make up for fighting parents, estranged siblings and guilt trips from family members who i didn't make time to visit.

so much has changed.  my relationships with my Ma and my brother have improved and have even become fun.  i enjoy time with them now.  a house that was once full of anger and bitterness is now a home full of love, a warm home that welcomes guests, both family and friends.  it's amazing and encouraging to see such drastic changes.  i wish i had known, when i was younger, how much better it would all get.  i'm glad that i now know to appreciate quality family time while we still have it.  


of course there were a few low points during my visit to the homestead.  for example, a lot continues to go unsaid between me and my family members, such as why i haven't brought a special someone home for Christmas like everyone else at the party did.  also, spending time with my cousin and neighbor, both of whom are only a few years older than me and both of whom have the most beautiful children, made me somewhat envious.  and of course there were reminders from my Ma that she'd really like grandchildren soon.  cue me pointing at my older brother, who simply shook his head "no."  not going to happen, Ma.  sorry. 


all things considered, it was a very lovely holiday.  one of my best ever.

now i'm back in Philadelphia, buried under 6 or 8 inches of beautiful snow, and enjoying the day off before i return to work tomorrow.  it's surprising how productive you can be without getting out of bed.  Mr. Finch and i are comfy and warm and surrounded by pillows as i write this.  what did people do before the advent of laptops?  

brighter than yonder star

fireworks on the farm.  fortunately, nobody caught on fire or lost fingers, as i warned the family they might.

do you know how difficult it is to capture fireworks on camera?  i do, because i failed at it. 

thanks to Casshole for snapping this one.  the other 103484 photos we took didn't turn out well. 
 

maher says...

The irony of religion is that because of its power to divert man to destructive courses, the world could actually come to an end. The plain fact is, religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having in key decisions made by religious people. By irrationalists, by those who would steer the ship of state not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken.

George Bush prayed a lot about Iraq, but he didn't learn a lot about it. Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about. And those who preach faith, and enable and elevate it are intellectual slaveholders, keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction. Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do. Most people would think it's wonderful when someone says, "I'm willing, Lord! I'll do whatever you want me to do!" Except that since there are no gods actually talking to us, that void is filled in by people with their own corruptions and limitations and agendas.

i heart Bill Maher.  i really do.  


and while it may appear that my mood is contrary to the mystical Christmas spirit in which we all should be this time of year, i assure you that it's not.  after a lovely weekend of shopping for gifts, drinking whiskey, and spending quality time with great friends, i truly am in the Christmas spirit.  i'm just not in the Christianist spirit. 

so upon seeing the headline, "Religious Group Puts Out 12-DVD Series on Environmentalists' 'Spiritual Deception'" this morning, i became freshly enraged and couldn't help but think about, and want to share, some of Maher's rants from his documentary Religulous, which i HIGHLY RECOMMEND if you haven't yet seen it.

post(ing) secret(s)

this is exactly how i feel about my job.  


  

quote of the week, thus far

We are all just one, small adjustment away from making our lives work.

from a movie trailer.  i heard it tonight and for whatever reason, it brought tears to my eyes.


and i know what you're thinking.  but no.  i had only had one vodka drink at that point.


at this point, on the other hand...
  

i weep

i felt as though i personally was being attacked today as i read Gawker's article entitled 'The 10 Most Annoying Christmas Songs.'


despite being one of the best blogs/news media in existence, Gawker exhibits its scroogery and poor taste in holiday music today.  included in its list of most annoying Christmas songs are three of my favorites, which i am currently listening to on repeat every morning and evening as i travel from and to my home at the North Philly Pole: 


2. "Baby It's Cold Outside" (though i currently, and ashamedly, prefer the Glee version, with the ELF version, sung by Zooey Deschanel/Katy Perry, coming in second.)

3. "Last Christmas"  
 
4. "River" (because Joni Mitchell never lies.)


despite my love for favorite number 3, i admit that i chuckled at Gawker's appropriate synopsis of the tune:

Another entry in the "creepy lyrics" category is this song that is basically about date rape. A man is convincing a woman that she should stay at his house to cuddle and canoodle, but she really wants to leave. He doesn't think no means no and is basically saying, "I won't lend you a coat so your choice is to stay here and let me paw at you or try to get home and freeze." By the time she sings, "Say, what's in this drink?" we want to scream, "It's a roofie!" and call the police.

i shall continue to read Gawker, of course, so long as its writers stay far away from my number one favorite Christmas song ever:


1.  "My Only Wish This Year" by Britney "The Voice" Spears


yeah.  every morning.  'cause i'm still wishing.

 

letter to a friend

* * * 

Dear [friend],

How do you eat alone in a restaurant?

Tonight I accidentally arrived at dinner 30 minutes early. They seated me. (Sat me? I dunno.) I sat (definitely not seated) alone for 25 minutes before T arrived.

I tried to relax. Tried not to fidget with my phone. Tried not to update F-book again. It was difficult.

I thought of you. You travel so much. I know you end up in restaurants and bars alone. How do you feel?  How do you get through it without feeling lonely?

Last winter I went to see a romantic movie alone. First time alone in a theater. It was a test, and I passed it okay -- once the previews began. Alone at a table for 6 at a crowded restaurant was less "anonymous," or so it felt.  Less okay.

Thoughts?

* * * 

what about you guys? thoughts? 

not on the corner of First and Amistad, part IV

where did i find god today?


a man in the elevator of my office building with me this afternoon kept laughing at the podcast/whatever he was listening to on his iPod (it was loud enough to hear, kinda, and it wasn't music).  he didn't seem to care that there were several other people in the elevator with him, as he was so enjoying his listening material. his laughter made me smile a bit, it was so genuine.


i've experienced this before with books.  laughing out loud while reading a funny book in public should be embarrassing, but i never care at the time.  when i read David Sedaris's 'Me Talk Pretty One Day,' as well as with Chelsea Handler's 'My Horizontal Life,' i caught myself L-ingOL wherever i was reading.  i didn't care if people around me looked at me as though i were crazy.  i just wanted to read more.  that's a good feeling.


good for the guy on the elevator.  you go, boy.

 

i want a snowfall kind of love, the kind of love that quiets the world
i want a snowfall kind of love that lights up the sky from below
i want a snowfall kind of love that brings people to their window
i want a snowfall kind of love, the kind of love that keeps you in bed all day

most days, Ingrid Michaelson's voice is as close as i get to feeling any holiday spirit. 

maybe i need to go to Macy's every day. that always reminds me that it's Christmas time.

 


p.s. *please snow already*

  

post(ing) secret(s)

quote of the week, thus far

a friend, after i told him that i had a good date the other night:

"Finally. I mean, I'm happy for you."

no hard feelings or anything.  he means well... 

and i think it's quite telling that my friends are so interested and eager for my dating life to revive.  the day after my date, three people texted to ask how the night went.  as if i've never been on a date before.  

should i be concerned for myself?

nobody has used the words "frigid" or "old maid" yet, but if this drought keeps up, i'd give it six months.


 

i won't even wish for snow , part II

for years now, i've wanted only one thing for Christmas.  i ask, yet i do not receive.  alas, i continue to want. 

thanks a lot, "friends."


i might have to go get that baby panda myself, using a disguise like this one:

Sunday to-do list

1. wake up early without an alarm
2. feel glad i didn't go out last night
3. make coffee
4. drink coffee while reading a dear friend's recently-finished book (congrats!) on the couch
5. laundry
6. chase crazy cat around house
7. make and devour grilled cheese on good, grainy bread
8. call mom, talk about how cold it is
9. download more F+TM songs, none of which are as amazeballs as Cosmic Love (see below)
10. get chased around house by crazy cat now out for revenge
11. wish i had more groceries, decide Hole Foods is too far to walk in the cold
12. try not to think about work tomorrow/the week ahead
13. yoga
14. consider buying cold weather running gear, decide i wouldn't use them even if i had them
15. call Cassifrass to discuss next weekend's visit
16. take much-needed shower
17. decide what to do with the evening and how many vodka cranberry ginger ales (the new house special this winter, by my decree) will be acceptable for a Sunday evening

i'm almost through my list and it's not even 11 AM.  


happy Sunday, y'all.


 

outta my, outta my head

that silly Bruno Mars song has been stuck in my head since Tuesday's ep of Glee.  (Shaunice forces me to watch it.  i hate it.  really, i do.)


my plan for getting it OUTTA my head is to listen to this awesomeness on repeat:




this song rocks my world.

commence downloading F+TM songs in 3...2...

  

shout-out, y'all

i'd like to give a shout-out to my girl B'Lisha Jonez because she can make a night of rinsing her weave the way i make a night of a magnum of wine and whatever's on DVR.

  

plath says...

Some things are hard to write about.  After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you overdramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones.  At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to.

which explains my writer's block as of late.  in part, at least.  in part, i've just been working long hours and have felt as though i have nothing to share or offer to the internets.  i've felt, at times, that i'm drowning.  

in addition to that, and more relevant to Sylvia's words above, something has happened, and continues to happen, and i'm not yet able or ready to put it down on not-paper.  i'm going through something that i can't explain easily, as it's unprecedented in me.  i am caught in the middle of a struggle between my own pride and ambitions, and my happiness and well being.  


what do you do when that which you've worked for, and strived for, is the thing that makes you miserable?

in my heart i believe that discontent and sadness can be cathartic.  they can also motivate us to do something exciting but scary, to strike out blindly for something unknown.  sometimes it seems that the unknown must be better than the status quo, and i can't help but wonder if that is sometimes beginning of great progress.  


once i figure out what i'm doing with myself, maybe i'll be able to write it the way i want to.
  

it's the season

today it became winter.


really, just today.  some time around noon, i think. i walked to work with a light fleece jacket, sweating in the unseasonably warm and humid air.  i walked home from work shivering despite my scarf and fast, butt-firming pace. 

It's the season of cold, making warmth a divine intervention.

i smiled as the lyrics came through my iPod.  i love this song,* and it's finally appropriate -- though i've been listening to Christmas music for almost a week nonetheless.  irregardless!!  

i have a case of the Christmas spirit.  i'm ready for some time at home (believe it or not.  mostly just because it's an excuse to take a few days off work).  i'm ready for some much-deserved gifts from my family.  i'm ready for a new year.  i'm ready for a change.

a big change.  



*does that make me an athiest? either way, thanks, T. 

    

post(ing) secret(s)

FYI

i received a cute housewarming gift.

i think that's -- PRETTY COOL.  i have really nice friends.*  cute.  lovely.  thoughtful friends.


that's all.


*thanks, stud. 
   

living underwater

"I'm living underwater.  Everything seems slow and far away.  I know there's a world up there, a sunlit quick world where time runs like dry sand through an hourglass, but down here, where I am, air and sound and time and feeling are thick and dense."

-Audrey Niffenegger in The Time Traveler's Wife


i know that feeling.  

    

post(ing) secret(s)

aged a bit today

today was my law school class's 2.5 year reunion.  


not officially, of course.  who would have a 2.5 year reunion?  no, we reunited today for a funeral of one of our classmates, one of our friends.  one of our own.  


it was clear that we weren't accustomed to funerals of our peers.  sure, we've said good-bye to grandparents, relatives.  but we're not used to saying goodbye to one of our own.  our parents might be. our grandparents certainly are used to doing so.  

are we allowed to say, "It's good to see you"?  are we allowed to say, "Things are good"?  are we allowed to ask what's new with work, and boyfriends, and to give good news? 

i don't know.  most of us didn't seem sure about what was appropriate, because but we're not accustomed to the situation.there was so much love in the room, but we didn't feel comfortable smiling.  we were happy to see each other, but too sad about saying good-bye to a lovely friend to enjoy the reunion.  i guess we're not used to seeing the same people who we usually see drinking at engagement parties now crying into tissues.  we're not used to seeing our old beer pong partners acting as pall bearers.  

we're too young for this.  or at least we were.  i think my friends and i aged a bit today.
 

walsch says...

Your light is seen, your heart is known, your soul is cherished by more people than you might imagine.  If you knew how many others have been touched in wonderful ways by you, you would be astonished.  You are far more wonderful than you think you are… Rest with that. Rest easy with that. Breathe again. You are doing fine. More than fine. Better than fine. You’re doin’ great. So relax. And love yourself today.

 
some days you just need a self-indulgent pep-talk.  or is that just me?

*breathes*
  
   

post(ing) secret(s)

shine for no reason

i often notice people -- well, usually lawyers.  older lawyers, especially, because those are the people around whom i spend my days -- who smile only when someone important is looking at them.  whether that important person is a client, a juror, or more often a prospective client or business associate.  smiling as they hand over their business cards.  hoping to drum up new business.  hoping to make money.  hoping to appear to have charisma.  hoping to appear as more than an empty, workaholic shell.  

i don't ever want to be like that, for the record.  'ya hear me?  

i don't want to ever be the type of person who only shines, who only smiles, as a performance.  i want to shine most when i am around people i see every day.  i want to shine when i'm giving directions to an old woman on the street, when i'm asking a paralegal to do something for me, when i'm ordering a coffee at starbucks. 

everybody deserves a smile, not just those people from whom we want something.

and sure, some days it's tough to smile.  sometimes it takes a little extra effort, and you may have to force a little bit of light.  but the surprising part is, when you do try, before you know it, it becomes genuine.

just something that's been on my mind.

post(ing) secret(s)

why i'm SUCH a good person

do you think that you're a good person? 


just curious.  i don't mean to pry.


i've never thought to myself, "I'm a good person."  although i do occasionally say, "Because I'm *such* a good friend."  but yesterday morning i found myself thinking that i might be a good person, in a way, perhaps, just a little bit, possibly.

i was leaving a subway train, heading toward the stairs toward street (aka non-urine-smelling) level, when a voluptuous black woman rushed past me down the stairs toward the imminently departing train.

i wanted her to make it.  
i wanted her to breathe a sigh of relief. 
i wanted her to make it to work on time.
i wanted her big boobs to fit onto the train.


i turned back to check.


she made it.

i smiled.


i was unreasonably glad. 


does that make me a good person? is the sky blue?  there is only one answer to questions such as these.


 

to be a jerk or not to be a jerk

how bad does a zit have to be before i can guiltlessly cancel a date? 


here are the factors:

1) it's bad. similar* to:

2) he's nice, and it's not our first date.
3) he's not the type to care about certain things, but
4) i am. 
5) i really am. 


:-/  this is tough. 


p.s. i made it through my adolescence without acne, so why do i get random zits now?  stress?  not washing my face for 12 hours during the day? not enough vodka during the week?


most likely the latter.


*please rest assured that i looked through thousands upon tens of photographs of zits before i came to the conclusion that this was the most similar to the one currently plaguing me.

an update

tonight my Ma asked if i'm coming home for Thanksgiving.  my response was, "Wow, that's almost here?"  time flies.  and the real answer to the question was, "Probably not."  i want to sleep that weekend.

work stinks, but i tell myself that everybody feels that way.  remember that old joke, "Oh, you hate your job? There's a support group for that.  It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."  yeah, i tell myself that. and i chuckle.  i chuckle so much :-/

it's cold in the morning.  my bed is heaven.  have i told you lately that i love my bed?


speaking of which, my Pottery Barn faux fur throw feels exactly like my catticus.  i never know which one i brush against in the middle of the night.  neither of them purrs.  

i can't think of anything that i want for Christmas/Chanukah.  my Ma keeps asking.  i told her that vodka is a safe bet.


i'm ready for that trip to Ireland. time to start thinking ahead and convincing my BFF it's time. 

i bought Ricky Martin's memoir, entitled "Me" most likely because the title "Yo" was already taken by Julia Alvarez (love that libro).   am i ashamed to be reading something that sounds so vapid? NO!  though i did turn it face down at the check-out counter.    because it would've made me look gay or whatever.


i have a bunch of new music on my iPod, including new Ke$ha and Rihanna and Nelly.  but every morning on my way to work all i want to listen to is This Ain't A Love Song (below, see?) and La Belle et Le Bad Boy.  over and over again, on repeat.  i should just make a playlist of those two songs and call it, "Grumpy Mornings."  ask my roommates.  i'm not a morning person after all.


i have to go watch Vampire Diaries now.  it's my guil--- no.  it's just a pleasure.  all pleasure.

ask me what difference

paramore says...

        

Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts. And we’ve got to find other ways to make it alone or keep a straight face. 

  

advertisement

i'm not sure who paid for this beautiful, wordless billboard that's on my walk home, but this is one ad that i can get beh--- um --- one ad behind which i can GET. 


of course there's a part of me that fears that i'm real life Like-buttoning just one ad in a creative series of if-you-wanna-go-to-heaven billboards paid for by some fear-mongering Christianist organization, buttttttt i can live with that uncertainty.


for now i'm choosing to keep my chin up and enjoy what i see.  



that was totally a short-story-long kinda post.  sry.
 

my morning smile

my buddy Dominican gave me a book of gay haiku, entitled Gay Haiku, as a moving gift.  love it.  

some are funny.  some are kinda sad.  all are gay.  i have to share a couple. 


 

This orgy is lame.
But I am, alas, in no
Position to leave.




How can we fix us? 
The fights, the silence... I know!
Let's get a puppy!



It's Dorian Gray
In reverse: you aged, and yet

Your photo stayed young.

Your lips are so soft,
Your conversation graceful.
It's just -- you're not him.

  

outta my, outta my head

this song from a commercial on HBO has been spinning around my head for days.  this morning i had to figure out what it was and then had to download it immediately.


thank god for the internets.  instant gratification.



strange video, though. 
    

post(ing) secret(s)

quote of the week, thus far

"I feel like I just got home, and it's time for bed."

"Welcome to my world," i responded.

"But that's not LIFE."

it doesn't feel like life, some days.  why didn't we choose careers that involved only a few hours of work per day?  wait, do such careers exist?  please tell me.

 

post(ing) secret(s)

i hear that.


at my conservative Christianist college, i'd listen to Lil' Kim on my iPod and work out while silently singing about designer p*ssy.  


by my senior year i could play it loudly in my dorm room.  that's what i call spiritual growth.
    

hayek says...

I keep waiting to meet a man who has more balls than I do.

amen, Salma.  i hear you, girl.

     

smart people drink more.

yeah, we DO.

an important scientific study that found in Brits a positive correlation between intelligence and alcohol consumption, just made my morning a bit brighter.

LOVES IT!

hat tip: A.Sull's Daily Dish.

if these walls could talk

they'd say, "I'm naked.  Stop staring."

i sit and stare at the apartment around me.  it's my last night at 505, and it's empty.  it looks like we never lived here, save for some nail holes in the wall and some scratches in the paint.  tomorrow night i'll go to bed in a completely new home.  i'm excited.

but you guys know me well enough to expect that i'm spending tonight thinking back.  this place, where i've lived for about a year and a half, is so full of good memories. oh, let me count the ways.

-drunken New Year's Eve party, singing Britney into Shaunice's hairbrush until 5 AM.

-birthday celebrations with friends from out of town.

-smoking Salvia until our teeth hurt from Perco--- um. moving on.

-days on the couch watching the Food Network on tv and a blizzard out the window.

-that night that my friend who moved to Colorado and i spent --- totes inappropes.  nvmd.

the point is, we've had so many good times here, in such a short period of time.  in a year and a half, life has changed drastically.  loves became ex-loves, jobs became former jobs, clothes became too small.  i finally settled into being a late-20-year-old who realizes that he's approaching adulthood and needs to grow up.  so Shaunice and i are moving out of our luxurious loft and into a homey home.  a bi-level walk-up that feels like a place where you might raise children (i hope we have a baby soon), and where we can save money.  turns out, Chinatown apartments are super cheap.  and each one has a dry cleaner next door.  win-WIN.  

here's to more good times in the Chinatown walk-up, and here's to enjoying the last 2 years of my 20's.  remember what Carrie said in the movie?  

"Enjoy yourself.  That’s what your twenties are for.  Your thirties are to learn the lessons. Your forties are to pay for the drinks."

two more years before i need to start learning the lessons.  hm, i wonder what lessons i have to learn?  in the meantime, let's drink!*

*no, really.  we bought a case of beer and a handle of wodka to drown the pain of moving tomorrow.  in our thirties, we'll pay someone to do this shiz.

 

my morning smile

i can see how happy you are

heard this through a tinny sound system at a furniture store today.  


love it.


how did this get past me 'til now?


 

chodron says...

When you begin to touch your heart or let it be touched, you begin to discover it's bottomless, that it doesn't have any resolution, that this heart is huge, vast, and limitless.  You begin to discover how much warmth is there as well as how much space.

a nice reminder that reminded me of this.

 

hipps says...

Bittersweet October. The mellow, messy, leaf-kicking, perfect pause between the opposing miseries of summer and winter.

every year around this time, i fall in love.  just before seasonal affective disorder makes me sad for the cold, dark duration of winter, i find myself in a transitory state of bliss and calm.  i think i'm waiting for the leaves to fall.

in the meantime, i'll be enjoying the 1.2 mile walk to work each morning, sans sweat or humidity.  i'll be enjoying a couple pumpkin spice lattes per week (i've had only three so far).  and i'll be enjoying sleeping with big blankets on the bed while my window remains open post-season.


i kinda wish i enjoyed football. but.  never gonna happen.
  

it gets better.

in case you haven't yet heard of the It Gets Better Project, i have to tell you about it.  in response to increased attention being paid as of late to the always high rates of depression and suicide among LGBTQ teens, gays of all kinds and from all over the place are putting videos on YouTube to spread the message to teenagers that IT GETS BETTER!  most of the videos are made by normal people who have stories to tell and encouragement to share.  some celebs and public figures are also now making videos.  this is a very important project, and i hope that the young gays find these videos.


i feel so proud and encouraged as i see these videos.  i wish that when i was a 15 year old struggling with depression, my sexuality, and what to do with my hair, that someone had said to me, "Hey.  It gets better.  It's actually pretty great being gay, and when you leave this small town, everything will change for you.  For the better.  Now cut your hair.  It's too long."


most of the videos are inspiring and emotional, but here's a unique and funny one featuring Guy Branum, one of the writers on Chelsea Lately:





maybe i'll make a video.  maybe all you gays out there should as well.  first i need to find some photos of myself with hair hanging down past my chin.  
   

i decided, part II

no more Ikea.  just no more.  Ikea and i are f*ckin' done, professionally.  


after spending two and a half hours today putting together one little cabinet for my new apartment bathroom, i really wish that i had spent the extra $200 and bought the similar shelf from Pottery Barn.  


i'm too old to be putting together my own furniture that's not even made of real wood.  that's why, last weekend, i bought a real, wooden trunk in Central PA made by a real, live Amish man.  and that's why i'm just done with Ikea.


i will continue to visit the store when i want a hot dog.  because it's sometimes really difficult to find a hot dog, especially on weekends when the street vendors aren't around. 
 

it's the string

 lately everything's been coming up roses in my house.  great new apartment, exciting changes, etc.  so yesterday, when one little issue presented a potential setback, my dear roommate had to remind me not to be so worried about the little things:

Shaunice: "We're positive people, and things are going great for us lately.  We need to start thinking positively and expecting good things."


me: "You're right.  Things have been going great.... ever since I started wearing this Kabbalah string on my left wrist!"

 

the law of love

A consequence of this law is that love can neither be created nor destroyed: it can only be transformed from one state to another. The only thing that can happen to love is that it can change form..."

  

it's true because i read it on Wikipedia.  well, kinda....


  

my morning smile

pausch says...

The key question to keep asking is, "Are you spending your time on the right things?" Because time is all you have.

lately, i feel as though i have no time.  life is hectic.  i won't allow myself to complain too much, because 1) i'm  coming off a long sabbatical that most people don't get and 2) i am grateful.

life is busy.   work is hectic, and the days are both long and exhausting.  i'm moving to a lovely new home over the next few weeks, and i am dreading packing and hauling all my ish.  in order to make up for lifeless, workful weeks, i've been having a lot of fun on weekends not getting a lot of rest.  and i'm exhausted.  but back to being grateful.


i have to remind myself to come back to gratitude, regardless of where my mind and my feelings wander.  i've been meaning to tell you something: two weeks ago i had to rush to divorce court to fill in for a senior attorney at my firm.  (an emergency situation arose, and while i am not a divorce attorney, i can handle pretty much any type of hearing in a pinch, with little prep time.)  i introduced myself for the first time to "my" client, who is going through a devastating divorce after more than thirty years of marriage.  i know it's devastating to her, because i've read her file.  surprisingly, legal files can hold so much information about people, including their heartbreak.  

i guess i expected the old woman to be sad and stressed.  but when i asked the lovely woman how she was, on what i already knew was a very stressful court date for her, her response was, "I'm grateful," she said to me.  "I'm not happy to be in court, but I'm happy."  


i've been thinking about that client often. she and i had a nice connection that afternoon -- partly because she is an old woman and old women love me (especially black women. you have no idea. i told you before that i think in a previous life i was a sassy black woman, right?)  also, partly because we sat in the back of the courtroom and chatted about gratitude and perspective.  i told her about my new job, which is running me ragged.  i told her that i'm happy to be working and learning a lot.  we really got each other, and she's not the first old lady who really gets me.  (remind me to tell you about Dianne from Pittsburgh.)

last week, our lovely client visited the office for an appointment, and she popped into my office to say hello.  "I was hoping to see you, Matthew!" she said with the loveliest smile i had seen all week. also, her skin is gorgeous. 70 years young.  black don't crack. "I just wanted to check in and see how you are."  she's checking in on me?  my firm is supposed to be taking care of her.  


i'm grateful for that lovely old lady.  i want to be like her.  well -- not an old divorcee, but -- you know.  keeping gratitude in my heart and on my face despite challenges.  despite an insane job, despite the stress of packing and moving, despite the ups and downs of everyday life, despite just a hint of loneliness since i've had neither the time nor the patience to date in the past two months.  TMI? whatever.


i'm also grateful for the Pottery Barn Outlet, which is amazeballs.  i got beautiful new bedding for my new apartment today, including a ridiculously posh faux-sheepskin throw blanket that is to die for (and that Atti will probably try to murder because it's so life-like).

so that's how i am.  i'm grateful.  and when you ask me how i am, i hope i remember to tell you so.  because sometimes life is so busy that gratitude is really all you have.

     

watch it again. part III.

more than a year later, this song still quiets me. one of those songs that has the power to change your mood with just a few chords. 

and this video is too lovely.  you've probably seen it, but watch it again.  it will make Monday better.

sinatra says...

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

 

the grumpy old jew says...

yesterday my boss was talking about some trial prep that he wanted to get done over the weekend.  as today is Yom Kippur (in law school my dear friend CPG taught me all about the Jewish holidays) and he and his family observe all the holy days, i said to him jocularly, "Remember, you can't do work tomorrow."


his response: "I can do whatever the fuck I want. There is no god."

"Okay," i said.  "Will you be fasting?"


his response: "Yeah, I'll be fasting. Look at me. I'm a fat fucking pig. It'll do me some good."




that's my leader and my mentor, folks.  teachin' me the ways of the world.

   

self-awareness

i've always felt that i have a firm grasp on who i am.  i'm very self-aware, i think.  as in, i may be a little bit crazy, but i know that i'm crazy, and i know in what ways i'm crazy.  'ya know?


so when a dear friend said to me recently, 

"I don't think you really want a relationship,"

i was stunned.  scusa?  of course i want a relationship.  we all want a relationship.  i love relationships.  i love love.  i love the prospect of a happy home with a hot husband.  i love alliteration, apparently.  


"Why would you say that?" i asked him, somewhat defensively.


"No offense..." i guess he picked up on that.  "You find a reason to end it with every man you date... It just seems like you don't want it to work."

i would have liked to retort to him that he doesn't know me, or at least that he hasn't known me long enough to make such grand proclamations about my life.  but he does know me.  he has known me for almost 5 years, and he has known me well.  he knows me more than my spoken italics could possibly trump.  not only did we know one another intimately about 5 years ago, but he has remained a close friend to whom i'd tell pretty much anything, without even sugar-coating or PR-ing it first.  so instead of arguing, i said the first thing that came to mind:


"I don't need a man.  I need a champion."

was it an original thought?  no.  but we saw Eat*Pray*Love together, so i was sure that he'd get it.  and sometimes that's half the challenge in wit.  


at any rate... lately i've been thinking that i wasn't just attempting wit.  i've been thinking that there's some truth to my own grand proclamation about myself.  maybe there comes a point when you've known so many suitors, you want someone to come along and storm the castle walls. to defeat the dragons. to start a revolution in the kingdom. i don't know -- just -- a champion.  

a conqueror.  a defender.  a hero.  a top dog.* a victor.  

that's what i've been thinking lately.





*thanks, thesaurus.com, that one was kinda funny.   

  

as fall nears

just thinking back...  




little did i know, it would be 2010, almost 2011, before we knew it.

  

post(ing)secret(s)

not on the corner of First and Amistad, part III

where did i find god today?


well, not today.  last night.  in a dirty dive bar, where beers were only $2 and i had a grilled cheese sandwich made with real Kraft singles. that's almost heaven, but it got better.

a David Archuleta song (is it real or just another CRUUSHHH) came on.  followed immediately by K.Clarkson (Because of You).  i was swooning like a teenage girl.  i should be ashamed, but --


thank god for dirty dive bars with jukeboxes and cheap beer. 

skarsgard says...

Sometimes I wish I had never met you.  Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there.

  

new mantra

Wherever You Stand
Be the Soul of that Place.

this is my new mantra, which i read the other day and which i needed to hear this week.  

you see, i'm working in a place that has no soul.  or -- i should say -- in a place where it's hard to see any soul. (yes. that will look much better on the transcript of today's proceedings.) maybe because everyone at the firm is too busy to have soul. 

my new office is vastly different from my last one, which i'm starting to view as a good thing.  it just takes a little time to get used to the huge change.  my last firm had a lot of soul.  and i had a lot of freedom. to blog, to take long lunches, to go to the gym in the middle of the day.  but the place had a little too much soul, with an office alcoholic causing commotion next door and an egomaniacal boss trying to rule the world three offices away.   every day was a new load of crazy.  nothing of the sort in my new office.


there's just no time for that brand of craziness nowadays.  too much work piled up.  not enough time in even a 12-hour day.  which is amazing and very good news IN THIS ECONOMY.  but the place moves so quickly and has such a buzz to it that nobody takes time to smile or to get to know anyone else.  until i came along, i'm not sure the words "thank" and "you" were put together much.


my first week, i thought that everyone at the firm was just rude.  nobody asked me how i was. nobody said "good morning."  rude.  the second week, i realized that nobody takes time to eat lunch, unless they can do it while doing work.  people who have worked together for months don't know each other at all.  where is the friendly banter? where is the water cooler talk?  there just isn't any, i've realized.   and there's no soul.

yet there has to be some hidden soul in the place, i've decided, because i work with three gorgeous 20-something paralegals and a bunch of old Jews. that's a recipe for a lot of personality.  i know the Jews are overworked. and the paralegals are pretty young sluts, so maybe they're just tired and hung over from partying the night before. every day. 


at any rate, back to my mantra.  i've decided to Be The Soul of the place.  first, there will be no more walking past me at 9 AM without hearing a "good morning."  second, i've spent all week asking people how they are, what they've got planned for their long holiday weekends, etc.  and they're responding well.  they're smiling.  give me a week, and they'll love me the best.  especially my 20-something paralegals.  they will be my work harem.  i charmed one of their kind at my old job, and she loved me so much that she moved in with me and now cooks me dinner.  i may have to get a bigger house.


i know that the office is a place to do business and be professional and focus.  but i can't do that with strangers and without smiles.  and sometimes jokes.  like today when i told my boss that he needs Xanax.  (did he laugh? no, but he will later. maybe over the weekend.)  jokes are important during a stressful day.  i think it will continue to get better, and maybe someday i'll have a personal conversation with a person who works there.  or at least i'll witness such a conversation between two persons who work there.  


for now, it's just me. i'll be the soul.
 

post(ing)secret(s)

outta my, outta my head

this song is heavenly.  haven't stopped listening for the past week.




that reminds me: i watched 500 Days of Summer again.  so good. also, you guys never answered my question on that post.   
 
  

in this life

note: my blogger buddy LB@30 decided that the blogosphere was getting sleepy this summer, so she took control of the situation and started a Secret Santa project to get us all talking.  she randomly matched up her blogger friends so that we'd give one another assignments. (thanks for all your hard work, dear.  such a fun idea.) today i'm completing my assignment.

Ten Things I Want To Do Before I'm Pushing Up Daisies

1.    i want a baby.  i'll share it if necessary; i just want one.  ask my roommate, i'm baby crazy.  
     unfortunately, Shaunice refuses to get pregnant while she's in law school. selfish.  i always do nice things for her.

2.     i want to live abroad again.  as i was discussing with a few people at a party i attended last night, i think that adults should be able to "study" abroad.  some of the most amazing moments of my life occurred while i lived in Italy and Costa Rica.  i want more.  i have wanderlust so bad.

3.     speaking of that party last night, i want a surprise party at some point in my life.  friends, get on it!  i want to be truly surprised.

4.     i want to go to Ireland with my bff Danielle.  we've been talking about it ever since we were in London back in 2005.  wow, five years already.  where does it go?

5.     i want to completely change my profession.  not just because being a lawyer is boring, but also because life is too long to do just one thing.  

6.     i will, at some point, turn this blog into a book.  not to sell, not for anyone else.  just for me, so that i can remember what i was doing and feeling on, for example, May 20, 2007.  that'll be really fun to read on May 20, 2027.  
     i take trips down memory lane with my travel journals (because i don't date entries in my main journal), and it's so great to read what i was doing and where i was doing it on this date minus five years. 

7.     i want to enter into a legally binding contract that commits a man to me 'til death do us part.

8.     i want to celebrate Atticus Finch's 20th birthday.  he turns 4 in a month and a half, and i think i'm going to throw him a huge party.  

9.   i want to own a boat.  i love boats.  the tough part will be deciding what to name it.  

10.    i want to send my ma on a lavish vacation to Australia.  

i could go on, but my Secret Santa limited me to 10, and i always follow the rules.
 

rumi says...

   
   

Wherever you stand,
be the soul of that place.

  

"On Wednesdays, we wear pink."

that's me at my new job.  


"How's that going?" you ask?   welllll i'm going to beg my doctor for Xanax the next time i see him.

 

you always remember your first time.

A.Sull. over at The Daily Dish was talking about people's first kisses the other day, and it got me thinking about mine.


my first kiss didn't happen until i was 18 years old (i don't count the years that i spent kissing girls).  i was a freshman at my pretty little Bible college, where i was trying hard to be a GCB.  that's a Good Christian Boy, for those of you who aren't hip to the lingo.   despite all my trying, i failed.  i ended up being a BCB before my first semester of college even ended.

i blame B.  he was fun and nice to me, and he was so gregarious.  i needed friends like him, even if he was a temptation.  because B was "bi." and one autumn night bi B and i took a walk off campus and talked about our lives. and we stopped by a building along the train tracks. and he pushed me up against the building. and he kissed me.  and i started to cry.  


what a little mess i was.  i thought that Jesus was watching me and disapproving.  silly, silly boy.  looking back, i'm glad that my first time was with a GCB on a chilly fall night along the train tracks.  i think it was a good kiss, too, though i was shaking and scared and busy manufacturing tears.



okay, i showed you mine, now you show me yours. i want to know about yours.  seriously, this means that you need to post a comment (anonymously if you wish) and tell me about your first kiss. 


c'mon, guys.  i don't ask you for much.  do it.

post(ing) secret(s)

sad but true

one of the most embarrassing moments of my life was when my mother walked in on me and my friend Cass acting out scenes from The Little Mermaid -- or as Cass and i used to call it, we were "playing mermaid."


this unfortunate incident occurred when i was home from college for Christmas break.


that's all for now.
 

crash into me

we'd all like to think of our dating lives as taking place in a vacuum.  


we'll never run into friends while we're on a date.  we'll never unwittingly date a friend's ex.  and most importantly, we'll never date the same person that an ex-love has dated.


tonight when i received the text message, "this is the second OkCupid date i've met who has already dated you," it felt as if my separate worlds were crashing in on me.  how could this be? my ex-love, who i loved for so long and who doesn't do online dating silliness like i do, is now being silly and dating, online, people who i've online dated.  ((gulp))


couldn't he find some other dating website?  couldn't he find some other city?  

but no, that's not how it works.  i am happy to have an ex-love near me to be a lovely friend, and i'm happy he's dating and meeting good people.  and it was only a matter of time until we overlapped, because there are only so many nice, cute, smart guys in one city.  and apparently i've dated all of them.

fortunately -- thank Buddha -- both dates told ex-love that i was nice to them, that i am still a friend.*


everyone is connected -- or will be, sooner or later.  Friendster (remember that site?!?! not if you're under 23!) taught us that.  it would take only a few people to link you up with that guy who was in that low budget movie you liked.  or your ex's ex from 3,000 miles away.  yeah, she's in your network!  and within one city, it's even worse.


Philly is a small city.  it always happens, eventually.  and it isn't fun; however, i must admit that there's a small comfort in already knowing the person with whom your ex-love is going/has gone on a date.  you can tell yourself, "ohhhhh X won't like that Y does C" or "Y once told me that he likes A and X isn't at all interested in A."  those aren't codes, so don't try to figure them out.  (oh, all right, A was a code.  some people don't like asparagus.  like my friend S, who won't even try it with her boyfriend.)




tonight the world seems just a little bit smaller than it did yesterday, but it's a nice reminder that what we do will not be contained in a vacuum.  how i treat Mr. Friday could perhaps matter some day, such as when he chats with Mr. Hopefully Next Saturday, or worse yet --- the ex-love. it's dating karma.  what you put out into the dating universe...


it's a small world.  i don't like it, but that's just the truth.  the only solution is this: let's all try to be nice to one another.  OR just keep moving from city to city (you know i tried!).   



*i'm glad i called THAT guy...
  

Wish List for August 2010

things i wish:


i wish J Crew made wrinkle-free shirts.  i wish i didn't have to choose between looking cute and looking professional.

i wish Vicodin were available over the counter.  and in a chewable, flavored form, come to think of it.

i wish i would get a job in New England. today.


i wish the bathroom in my office weren't next to the bookkeeper's desk.  i feel like she's judging me for peeing 300 times a day. 


i wish i were a little bit taller.

i wish i didn't have a weakness for blue eyed boys.  


i wish Frou Frou would make another album.


i wish i could get rich by working as a barista.

i wish i liked seafood.


that's all for now.  thanks.