fəɾ o̜ːl lɑŋ səin 2009

should old acquaintance be forgot,

and never brought to mind...

one year later, i sit listening to Auld Lang Syne on repeat. once again i wait at home alone for the night's party to begin. the calm before the storm. a time to reflect.

and surely you'll buy your pint cup

and surely i'll buy mine

and we'll take a cup o' kindness yet

for auld lang syne

i didn't make a to-do list in 2009, and i learned my lesson for it. the year passed by so quickly, and i'm not sure how many accomplishments i can tally. it was a year of settling in. it was a year of routine and work. it was a year of trying to focus and trying to find energy just to wade through the long days.

we two have run about the slopes

and picked the daisies fine

but we've wandered many a weary foot

since auld lang syne

a year ago i wondered if 2009 could possibly be as full of as much happiness, love, triumph, and celebration as 2008 brought with it. it wasn't.

it was... different. not just for me, either. it was a trying year for a lot of my friends and family.

and there's a hand my trusty friend

and give us a hand o' thine

and we'll take a right good will draught

for auld lang syne

the good thing is that 2009 has been a year of growth and change. i learned how to deal. i said good-bye a lot. i learned that i'm quite all right on my own. i kept my chin up.

i am absolutely certain that 2010 will be an amazing year full of happiness and new joys. and i think i'll appreciate it all the more thanks to what the past year has brought and what the past year has taken.

for auld lang syne, my dear

for auld lang syne

we'll take a cup of kindness yet

for auld lang syne

better in time?

One of the lies we always tell ourselves is that the pain will go away with time, that we'll get over it, that time heals all wounds, and it's not true. Every loss is forever raw, and we can feel it all again with just a thought or a reminder, like a Christmas phone call to the family. The older you get, the more of these moments of grief you accumulate, and they never leave you.

A.Sull. linked to an article about feeling sadness and lingering grief during the holiday season. i understand the sentiment, as my ma's mother died on Christmas - before i was born, but ma reminds us every single year that it's a sad time. debbie downer, right?

i appreciated the above portion of the original article not as it pertains to the holidays, but rather because it's true every day of the year.

time heals all wounds? false. time brings distractions and more immediate emotions.

the old wounds can be overlooked, the pain ignored. but in an instant - with the sound of a voice, the scent of a stranger's cologne in a corridor, or finding a photo you wish had been destroyed, rather than just filed away - a wound can be split open unexpectedly, reminding you what's inside and proving that time has but distracted you.

the flood of emotion leaves you feeling as if you've been set back months, years... if only for a few minutes, before something or someone else distracts you.


thank god for the distractions, especially - for many people, like my ma - during the holidays.

miller says...

The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware -- joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware.

daydreaming

here to remind you

as we close out 2009, i'd like to remind you of two of the greatest memes we got to enjoy this year, conveniently and brilliantly mashed together into this work of art:



this still makes me laugh. thanks, C.Bale's temper. thanks, David. thanks, painkillers.

christmas promise FAIL

last night i received the following e-mail message:

You have no follow through--I really was looking forward to this...and, yes, I am checking up on your performance over the last year...Christmas promise FAIL!

that's all she said. it's all she had to say.

and she's right, i broke my promise by gifting her only a serial killer book and some Twilight Saga chocolates. i didn't get her the A i promised. not even a hockeybortion.

maybe next year.

i hear that

let me start by saying that i do NOT hate the holidays.

but an article entitled "I Hate the Holidays!" caught my eye nonetheless, and i feel like sharing.

the author laments the worst aspects of this holiday season from the perspective of a single person. while i don't sympathize with most of her complaints, number 6 touched a little too close to home.

i won't go into my own complaints about this holiday season - of which i've had few, by the way! - but rather, i'll let the author speak for me and the many other single people looking for a special kiss to ring in 2010, and to ring in every other evening of the year, for that matter.



here's to 2010! and to guaranteed kisses, however long i must wait for them.

rule for life #720

here's a rule i wish the partners at my firm would obey: when you want something to be done, don't say "let's file a motion to ___" or "let's get in touch with ___."

you and i both know that YOU'RE not going to be doing any part of the task, so cut out the "let's," okay?


say what you really mean: DO IT. thanks.

in the city...

to do list

hi.

i want to go to Paris.

soon.

thanks.

soundtrack for life IV

like one moment

“Do you ever have those moments in life where everything’s okay? You know what I mean? Just for like one moment, everything is great.”

reality bites

text monster

Text from D: How's your weekend going?
Text from Me: Fine. So lazy. Just watching movies all day, haven't left the couch since 2.
Text from D: Then why didn't you answer when I called?
Text from Me: I was watching Intervention. And I wasn't in the mood to chat.

[two hours later]

Text from Me: What r u doing? I tried to call you.
Text from D: I wasn't in the mood to chat.

people, this is why i was averse to texting for the longest time. because once i get comfortable communicating through text, i no longer want to talk on the telephone. and it's hurting the people i love.

also, some of the people i love need an attitude adjustment. sassy.

don't go back

He misses you? Good. He should. You’re sexy, pretty, fun, outgoing and fun to be around. Guys that haven’t met you yet -- miss you.
But don’t get back together with him, because somewhere out there, there is a guy searching really hard for you. He’s the one who deserves someone as amazing as you, so wait for him. Give yourself to him and don’t go back to the asshole who left you.

it was a lazy weekend, and somehow i ended up watching that stupid chick flick again. maybe it's growing on me a little. like a rash. or ear hair.

dust of snow

the way a crow
shook down on me
the dust of snow
from a hemlock tree

has given my heart
a change of mood
and saved some part
of a day i had rued.

Frost.

soundtrack for life III

camus says...

In the depths of winter, I discovered in myself an invincible summer.

new kid on the blog

in case you didn't notice, i added a new favorite blog to my daily blogroll over there --->


my friend, former law school classmate, and birthday twin Colleen is a fun blogger and a great writer. she writes a lot about life in Manhattan, the joys of being a stay-at-home housewife, and her pet peeves, which are often grammar- or language-related. *sigh* a blogger after my own heart.

check out Collology when you get a chance.


that's all.

c.s. lewis says...

Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea... until they have something to forgive.

ever expanding

as we grow older, we expand in so many different ways.

we grow physically, of course. we become larger, taller. we men become bulkier and sturdier (well, most of us do).

and our worlds constantly expand as well. new friends, new places, new favorites, new adventures. i think this is a necessary part of maturation and personal evolution. "enlarge my territory," i phrase it in one of my mantras. i've been repeating the same mantra off and on since freshman year of college, and to this day it is faithfully answered when i focus on it.

with time and effort and a sense of investment, our friendships become more sturdy, more reliable. the less are weeded out from the more worthwhile. our social circles grow and encompass, and often they stretch a bit to include some great people who otherwise might seem like outliers.

lately my territory has been enlarging quite a bit. my world has been expanding through the help of new friends and acquaintances, new experiences and adventures. let's just say i've been doing a lot of "social networking" recently. it's the part-time job of every single man.

my recent social expansion has taken me to some unexpected places. after years of joking about Fishtown hipsters (for you New Yorkers, i'll point out that Philly's Fishtown is like NY's Williambsburg: it's inconvenient, hard to get to, none of the mainstream bars are located there, and of course it's full of dirty hipsters... but it has the potential for so much fun, it's usually worth the trip), i've recently begun hanging out in Fishtown and other areas of too-far-north Philadelphia.

for me, hanging out in a hipster neighborhood in Philly is like traveling to the UK. i speak the language, but i don't fit in. the beers are all brewed locally but are completely foreign to me, and you'll get the side eye for asking for anything "light." the pants are all so much tighter than mine, even though i'm gay and wear some pretty tight jeans. no one wears button-down shirts. ever. unless they're genuine flannel. which makes me feel awkward, since button-downs have become a staple of my wardrobe these days. finally -- well, no. don't get me started on deodorant.

in the end, i feel out of place. slightly insecure. the strange thing is that there was a time, long before i ever found myself unexpectedly hanging out in the Northern Liberties, that i would've fit in and felt comfortable there. during my early 20's there were a few chameleon years when i would've worn anything and felt comfortable. i was skinny and self-confident enough - cocky, even - to feel good in any situation with any number of new people.

then i became a lawyer. i gained weight like a 30-year old man. i became set in my ways and resistant to anything outside my comfort zone. i became borderline uncool (please, just humor me with the "borderline"). i started wearing "slacks" every day, leaving my collection of favorite jeans sitting alone and emotionally wounded in my closet. i have more ties than i have pairs of casual shoes. what happened to me?

but that's a discussion for another time...

regardless of where life has led thus far, we all need to keep evolving, keep expanding, keep enlarging our territory, if you will. which reminds me of a deeply philosophical discussion i had with my bff when we recently attended a high school friend's wedding:

me: "Wow, she really hasn't changed since she was 19. That's sad..."

bff: "Is it? Or is it good, that she's still the same person?"

me: "No, that's not good. We're supposed to change, to have new ideas, and to evolve as we get older."

bff: "I guess you're right. If I hold my glass under the table, can you pour some vodka into it?"

me: "Sure. But the flask is almost empty. Can you re-fill in the car?"

i snapped this for you

my morning smile

remember when

remember when we first met
and everything was still a bet in love's game

you would call, i'd call you back
and then i'd leave a message on your answering machine

hatm.

god is awake

Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.

-Hugo

somehow

i forgot to check postsecret until last night.

it was a hectic weekend.

after a thought-filled weekend

don't sleep... i know what you're thinking.

i love sleep.

i know you know that, because i've said it time and time again on this blog. sleep is one of my favorite things. i once feng shui'd my room so as to sleep better. i whine like a girlchild when i don't get enough, and i require a lot of it. my nightcaps help. sometimes it hurts to get up because i enjoy sleep so much.


hemingway said it best when he wrote, "I love sleep. My life tends to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"

given my love for, and apparent fixation on, sleep, you might be surprised to hear that i'm trying not to do it as much anymore.

for the past week, i've been staying up much later than usual. shaunice might think it's because i enjoy spending the evenings with her, having a glass of wine and watching Chelsea Lately when it's actually on, rather than a day late. and i do enjoy all those things. but that's not why i'm staying up until midnight or after.

it began accidentally. last week, as i geared up for the approaching holiday, i stayed busy and just forgot to go to bed at my usual 9:30 or 10. it surprised me to find that, the days after staying up later, i felt just fine. in fact, i might have even had more energy.

sunday night my experiment began. it continued all week long. now, on thursday, i look back at a week full of energy and productivity -- not only at work, but also in the evenings. i've had no trouble getting out of bed any morning this week. i haven't found myself on the verge of dozing off at my desk. i feel great.

could getting fewer hours of sleep actually give me more energy and leave me feeling better rested?

seems so. maybe i don't need 10 hours of sleep per night after all. who knew??


okay, maybe you knew. i have plenty of friends who sleep only 5 or 6 hours per night. i once thought this a dangerous, terribly unhealthy lifestyle, despite reading various reports over the years about personal sleep needs being different for everyone.

i'm not yet sure what my perfect number of hours is, but i'm working on that. and i'm feeling great. JSYK.

rule for life #238

Love knows no virtue, no merit; it loves and forgives and tolerates everything because it must. We are not guided by reason.

-Leopold von Sacher-Masoch

one of the most true and most unfortunate things i've ever read. you can't choose who you love, and what's worse -- you can't choose to stop feeling something for someone despite dozens of reasons why you shouldn't feel that for that person.

no news there, i guess. i just like how that other guy said it.

probably not. because i'm stubborn.

brown says...

Someone’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.

good to remember.

ha

shouldn't be funny, but...






postsecret.

wilde says...

If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.

say "thank" again

2009 hasn't been my best year ever. in fact, it's been quite - what's the word i'm looking for? something not too melodramatic. umm - trying. yes, the past year has been a trying one. i'll save the ins and outs and ups and downs of 2009 for my New Year's Eve wrap-up post, or not. for now i want to focus on thankfulness.

every year at Thanksgiving dinner, my family goes around the table and each of us shares at least one thing for which we're thankful. this morning when our tradition came to mind, i couldn't immediately think of an answer. i never had this problem in years past. and i don't like that i had any hesitation in coming up with an answer.

i think in times like this it's more important than ever to say "thank you" and to acknowledge those blessings and good things for which i'm thankful. for that reason, i give you:

10 things for which this guy is thankful

1. A.P. Finch.
2. a happy - and nice - home. Shaunice and i take care of each other.
3. reliable drinking buddies and friends who know how to have a good time.
4. my awesome hair. thanks, mom.
   
5. vodka. thanks, Russia.
   
6. Chelsea Handler.
   
7. my bed. especially with a good book.
   
8. my computer's 5th birthday came and went, and it still works like magic. thanks, Apple!
   
9. Ben & Jerry's fro-yo. and not because i'm racking my brain to think of things to list here. it's legit amazing.
10. the promise that tomorrow will be better than yesterday, and 2010 will be the best year yet. i believe.
    

now you tell me some things for which you're thankful this year. thanks.

Lois, the wise black receptionist says... part III

"Matthew, I got home last night and I thought, 'Ooh! I need a drink!' But then I asked myself, 'What would you be doing if you didn't have nothing to drink?' You know?"

"Well, what did you say back to that?"

"I said to my mind, 'Why don't you mind your own business!?'"

sweetest downfall

durrell says...

I had become, with the approach of night, once more aware of loneliness and time - those two companions without whom no journey can yield us anything.

reminder

i think there is infinite happiness to be had. an infinite number of blessings to receive. the territory is boundless, and each of us deserves the whole of it. while that math may be confusing for our psyches and especially contrary to what we've been taught all these years, it is simply the truth. goodness will not run out. fortune will not dry up. and love will never be in short supply. so eat up, i say. take it all in. drink more than you should. there's more where that came from.

just a reminder to myself, but also to anyone else who would like to hear it.

soundtrack for life II

love.

stop talking

you got me again, stars III

You are in the mood to play your cards right out in the open, for you really don't have anything to lose. You know what you want and you have the integrity to back up your intentions with a full demonstration of what you are willing to do to make your dreams come true. Fortunately, your current enthusiasm and clarity is an effective combo. Just don't push your luck too far or you'll be wishing you had an extra ace up your sleeve.

my whoroscope for today was right on the money. i better ride this wave while i allegedly (astrologically?) can.

time to get busy. but how do i know when i'm pushing my luck too far? have i already done that? do i believe in luck? am i a pusher? like, a drug pusher?

hafiz says...

I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.

soundtrack for life

love.

whether you like it or not

Eric: listen

i owe you a big apology

Sent at 9:08 AM on Friday

Eric: i just watched Twilight and i am obsessed

the acting in twilight is horrible. and its written really badly but i dont know.. im like pulled in.

and ive always thought robpatz was gross until i saw him as edward. now im in LOVE

you're next.

The Road, part II

i was about to return this fantastic novel to its owner when i came across another devastating part that i have to share.*

Just take me with you. Please.

I can't.

Please, Papa.

I can't... I thought I could but I can't.

You said you wouldn't ever leave me.

I know. I'm sorry. You have my whole heart. You always did. You're the best guy. You always were. If I'm not here you can still talk to me. You can talk to me and I'll talk to you. You'll see.

Will I hear you?

Yes. You will. You have to make it like talk that you imagine. And you'll hear me. You have to practice. Just don't give up. Okay?

Okay.

in other news, the film adaptation is scheduled for release this Thanksgiving and, according to wiki, was filmed partially on a creepy, abandoned stretch of the Pennsylvania Turnpike, which is just outside of my hometown.


*edited slightly so as to not give away the ending.

longfellow says...

Every man has his secret sorrows, which the world knows not; and oftentimes we call a man cold when he is only sad.

let's go now

MP: I need to get out of the city. Let's go somewhere.
Me: I told D I might come visit saturday.
MP: That'll be fun. Let's go.
Me: We can get up and leave early tomorrow morning.
MP: No, let's go now. Whenever you leave work.
Me: But tonight I was planning to--
MP: Just say okay.
Me: .... Okay.


i think Baltimore gets a bad rap, but it's a lovely little town in which to spend a weekend shopping, drinking, and walking around with two of your oldest friends -- especially when your bff just moved into a sexy downtown apartment located only two blocks from all the fun.

to-do list

i believe the children are our future

looking for a way to waste time today and cruise toward 5 o'clock? check out the blog Lamebook, which is a comical, slightly discouraging, too-true look at real Facebook posts.
we all have a Facebook friend (or two) who tends to over-share or post far-too-personal status updates. i, for one, am always tempted to LIKE the depressed cries for attention.
there was a time when an emotional rant would get my annoying Fbook friends swiftly deleted, but these days i graciously use the HIDE feature so that i don't have to see their craziness every time i log on.i think we can all learn some very important, if unsettling, lessons from Lamebook. for example:

1. our generation cannot spell, nor does anyone care about grammar these days,
2. teenagers have some serious drama going down, and
3. some stupid kids need to remember that their parents are their Facebook friends.

depressing or funny?

you decide.

big ups to Mike for alerting me to this site. you're responsible for so much time wasted.

this my jam

this song been stuck up in my head for weeks. daaamn.



hat tip: casshole.

payne says...

It’s not that we have to quit this life one day, but it’s how many things we have to quit all at once: holding hands, hotel rooms, music, the physics of falling leaves, vanilla and jasmine, poppies, smiling, anthills, the color of the sky, coffee and cashmere, literature, sparks and subway trains... If only one could leave this life slowly!

it's big

by the pricking of your thumbs...

Crystal water turns to dark
Where ere its presence leaves its mark
And boiling currents pound like drums
When something wicked this way comes...


A presence dark invades the fair
And gives the horses ample scare
Chaos rains and panic fills the air
When something wicked this way comes...


Ill winds mark it's fearsome flight,
And autumn branches creak with fright.
The landscape turns to ashen crumbs,
When something wicked this way comes...


Flowers bloom as black as night
Removing color from your sight
Nightmarish vines block your way
Thorns reach out to catch their prey

And by the pricking of your thumbs
Realize that their poison numbs
From frightful blooms, rank odors seep
Bats & beasties fly & creep

'Cross this evil land, ill winds blow
Despite the darkness, mushrooms glow
All will rot & decompose
For something wicked this way grows...

from the obviously-titled 'Something Wicked this Way Comes,' by Ray Bradbury.

that ish used to scare me so hard when i was young (probably into my teens, honestly). the book, the animated film. ...shivers down my spine just thinking about it.

no cartoon should be that scary, and no parent should allow a sensitive, young (14-year-old) child to watch such a terrifying film.


at any rate...
as i'm sure you know, 'tis the night when the realm of the living is dangerously near to the realm of the dead.


happy halloweeeeeen. and good luck out there...

our time down here

Don't you realize? The next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school. Our parents, they want the best of stuff for us. But right now, they got to do what's right for them. Because it's their time. Their time! Up there!

Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here.

i can't find my copy of one of my favorite movies of all time, so i took to the ever-useful internets for help with my potential Halloween costume. while trying to find photos of the sexy sweatsuit worn by Brand Walsh (played by a young and studly Josh Brolin) in The Goonies, i came across this inspiring carpe diem quote by a misty-eyed young, pre-hobbit Sean Astin, who played treasure-hunting Mikey.






oh, and is it just me, or does he remind you SO MUCH of Eric from Entourage?












i feel like they're the same person, but maybe this is like my Emily Blunt/Katy Perry/Zooey Deschanel conspiracy theory.

at any rate...





i'm still debating whether to dress as a Goonie for Halloween, though the sweatpants-in-a-dance-club idea kinda turns me on. but in the meantime i wanted to share little Mikey's speech and remind you - and me, primarily - to live in the moment.

it's our time, down here. i know i'm not the only person who struggles to live in the present, especially when the present can be rainy and miserable and exhausting thanks to these things called jobs... so take it for what it's worth. and watch The Goonies again soon. it's a classic. and if you have my DVD, i want it back.

I WANT MY PINK SHIRT* BACK!!!!!


*Goonies DVD

thank you, mr. postman

arrived home last night to find my new Men's Health, and i was pleasantly surprised.

jobs says...

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work.

And the only way to do great work is to love what you do.

If you haven't found it yet, keep looking, and don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it.

understand that

word of the day, part II

well, expression of the day, more accurately:

tilting at windmills

one of the benefits of working for a prolix old man is that i pick up many new and mysterious colloquialisms and unique expressions.

i often have to google them to even understand what he was talking about, and this most recent is a fantastic find. i've read Don Quixote: El Hombre de la Mancha but had never heard this lexical golden nugget until yesterday.


thanks to The Phrase Finder for help with expressions like the one above, as well as 'jump the shark.' how did people find answers before the internets?

dahl says...

And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you, because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places.

Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.

lovely.

Lois, the wise black receptionist says... Part II

"I play internet poker. I don't need no internet porn. I don't even belong to MyFacebook or MyTube.
I took a test that said I'm doin' good for my age, so I'm fine. I told my sister that and she asks, 'Lois, have you been drinking?' I said to her, 'It don't matter if I HAVE been drinking, because I'm telling the truth.' "

she's still the light of my life, and a wellspring of wisdom in an uncertain age.

outta my, outta my head

the first time ever i saw your face
i thought the sun rose in your eyes
and the moon and stars were the gifts you gave
to the dark and the empty skies, my love
to the dark and the empty skies

the first time ever i kissed your mouth
and felt your heart beat close to mine
like the trembling heart of a captive bird
that was there at my command, my love
that was there at my command

cannot get Roberta Flack out of my head today, but i'm not complaining. it's one of the most calming, soothing songs i've ever heard.

do yourself a favor and take a mental break by listening here, while also enjoying a ridiculously cheesy homemade slideshow that accompanies the song.

Leona Lewis's kinda amazing cover here.

my morning smile

one of my favorite dogs dressed up as Whitney for Halloween.


Me: WELL? Did she win?
Manuel: No and there were 15 prizes!!!!! I don't think that they liked that we dressed our dog as a messy hooker, what with all the children participating in the contest...


this dog, by the way, is very tolerant of her fathers' antics.

accuweather

everybody's got their something

as i lay in bed, about to be lulled to sleep by the soft and steady tap of rain on my wall o' windows, i heard a shout.

"WOO!"

then some clapping, followed by what i assume is the very sound advice of a lifelong fan: "No, don't do that!"

more clapping.

a few "Yeah!"s.

i'll admit that, in general, i've never really understood peoples' love of watching televised sports. this phenomenon has never made sense to me, despite growing up in a family full of sports-loving men. but i feel like even if i were a sports fan, i'd still find it strange that a fairly normal twenty-five year old girl would sit alone in her dark living room and hoot and clap and even give advice to the Phillies.

i don't care that this same oddity was occurring all over the city; i'd never be caught engaging in that sort of silliness.

though as i stared at my ceiling, chuckling to myself and listening to the claps and excited utterances coming down the hall from my living room, i realized that my judgment was just a little bit hypocritical. i'm a pretty big fan myself -- just not of sports.

it probably began in high school, when i'd talk to Ally McBeal on the screen. i don't know if i've ever given advice to the tv characters, but i've definitely yelled, cried, and reacted in shock at times, like when Serena on Gossip Girl confessed that she "killed someone," or gasped in disgust when we found out Justin was dating his own sister on Bros 'n Hos.

i guess i'm starting to sympathize with sports fans. in the end, what's the difference between (1) an engaging plot line involving well-known characters on a dramatic series and (2) a suspenseful reality-based storyline involving well-known players on a sports field? the guy on the edge of his seat watching a playoff game isn't that different from my grandma, left in suspense from day to day about the latest plot twist on The Young and the Restless.

eventually both series end, and the fans' lives aren't affected in any way, regardless of the outcome. your team is the world series champion? so what, they're just going to do it all over again next year, and once again it will have no effect on your life. an Emmy-winning performance on your fave show? who cares, your life is still the same boring mess, and YOU have no award on your mantle.

sports fans, soap opera addicts, and those of us obsessed with anything on the CW alike, we're all after the same sense of drama and suspense. does that give anyone an excuse to hoot and clap and -- by the sounds of it -- celebratorily bounce on the sofa while totally alone in front of a television? i submit that it does not.



if shaunice catches me clapping some night while watching Vampire Diaries, i'll humbly retract the above submission.

my morning smile

kafka says...

You need not do anything.
Remain sitting at your table and listen.
You need not even listen, just wait.
You need not even wait,
just learn to be quiet, still and solitary.
And the world will freely offer itself to you unmasked.
It has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.

The Road

He was a long time going to sleep. After a while he turned and looked at me. His face in the small light streaked with black from the rain like some old world thespian.


Can I ask you something? he said.
Yes. Of course.
Are we going to die?
Sometime. Not now.
And we're still going south.
Yes.
So we'll be warm.
Yes.
Okay.
Okay what?
Nothing. Just okay.
Go to sleep.
Okay.
I'm going to blow out the lamp. Is that okay?
Yes. That's okay.


And then later in the darkness: Can I ask you something?
Yes. Of course you can.
What would you do if I died?
If you died I would want to die too.
So you could be with me?
Yes. So I could be with you.
Okay.


there's something about this novel. it's heartbreaking. it's bleak. it's strangely lovely. it's about a father and son. it's about holding someone you love and knowing that he or she is all that matters. it brought tears.

just promise me you'll read it, okay? okay.

outta my, outta my head

when you're young, you have this image of your life
that you'd be scrupulous and one day even make a wife
and you make boundaries you'd never dreamed to cross
then if you happen to, you wake - completely lost
but i will fight for you
be sure that i will fight
until we're the special two once again

this beautiful but totes depressing song has been stuck in my head for almost a week.

no matter how many times i play I'M IN MIAMI, TRICK or Run This Town, my brain keeps coming back to The Special Two.

the crazy thing is, the old song isn't even on miPod or computer. i haven't heard it in ages, but it's on an old Starbucks soundtrack that may or may not exist somewhere in my apartment. isn't that the way with a favorite song? you don't need to listen to it regularly, but you often hear it in your head.



tonight i'll look for that cd and hopefully put the very talented Missy Higgins onto my iPod. you should, too.

if i just breathe

When you’re young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun; then you grow up and learn to be cautious -- you could break a bone, or a heart. You look before you leap, and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there is no safety net.

When did it stop being fun and start being scary?

oh carrie... you always know the right questions to ask.

this episode comes to mind every time Breathe plays on my iPod, and then i re-play the trapeze scene in my head, every time.

quote of the week, thus far

"Alcohol doesn't really count as a luxury item - - it's like feeling bad cos you spent too much on bread."

-a very wise bloke i know.

bliss

–noun

1.	supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment

2. crawling into bed in a chilly room, thanks to open windows letting in the autumn, then getting up to grab a quilt to throw on top.

let's go somewhere

i have to agree. well, obviously -- otherwise i probably wouldn't share this photo.

after the past few months of going about life half-heartedly, taking it day by day and primarily trying to get by, i don't feel very content. something's gotta give. i gotta get moving.

so this morning i'm challenging myself to go forward wholeheartedly, take risks, and maybe lose a little of my security in order to gain something much more important in this very short, sometimes incredibly sweet life.

thank you all for your support.

stop before you fall

Do you ever put your arms out and just spin and spin and spin?

Well, that’s what love is like.

Everything inside of you tells you to stop before you fall, but you just keep going.

but what?

my morning smile

i've mentioned it before, but this will serve as a reminder of the fun blog, Passive-Aggressive Notes. i have to go back and check this site occasionally, as it's a great distraction from a busy or stressful day.

let me share just a few of my recent faves, like the passive-aggressive yet loving christian (aren't they all?):


i can't get enough of the passive-aggressive office mate notes. you know you've worked with people like that...


also, the blogger's commentary is often chuckle-worthy. definitely worth checking out some afternoon when you're bored. especially if you enjoy guilt trips from grandma:

or people who say sorry when they really aren't sorry. at all.

coupland says...

And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older, as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it has already happened.

a deep, though hauntingly pessimistic, thought that i timely came across and that i had to share.

and a strange coincidence. i very recently had a conversation with friend X about friend Y, who's been going through some tough ish. we discussed how some people get down and don't ever quite come back up to where they were, with regards to levels of happiness or positivity. you know, if set levels existed.

i'd like it to be absurd. i'd like to think that anyone can find ways to regain his or her past state of childlike innocence -- joy, even. simplicity.

buddha gives us many helpful hints, but at the end of the day, i believe, the secret is different for everyone.

in the meantime, i'm telling myself that -- whatever it takes, however it happens -- for the broken people among us, eventually hope will just... float up.

dostoevsky says...

We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.

rule for life #854

life is about choices. sometimes life requires us to make difficult choices. and the decisions we make speak volumes about our values and priorities.

as an example, this afternoon i wanted a snack. i have, in the office refrigerator, some nice apples. i was going to have an apple. but then i saw, on the other side of the room, a plate of birthday cookies. huuuuge birthday cookies.

difficult decision. the huge choco chip cookie is so tempting, but my apple is healthy and would tide me over until dinner.

so i ate an apple. then i ate a cookie. problem solved.

that's life.

the power of HBO

postsecret.

for the bible tells me so

new hero

move over, Chelsea Handler.
i finally saw The September Issue, and i've found a new bitch to place on a pedestal. and her name is Anna.



as for the film: it was good. really good, actually. so subtle. contextual, i guess. if you hadn't heard about AW or hadn't seen TDWP, you might not know what to look for.

i highly recommend it.

gotta get through this

two weeks. that's what i'm reminding myself.
hang in there for two more weeks, and then you'll be here:


it's no time at all, two weeks. the time will go by quickly, i think, because i'll be chained to my desk.

no time at all...