"where's my dinner, bitch?!?"

dear old roommate who used to cook for me,

i thought of you this evening because i decided to make a nice dinner. i made fish, and -- oh my cod, let me tell you -- it was disgusting!

first i decided i was too hungry to wait for it to bake, so i would just fry it (ha. fry.) the way you used to do sometimes. but the long scaly shards were too long to fit into my pan, so i had to cut through them with a knife. i was literally gagging. rubbery. wet. cold. schnast me out!

there's olive oil grease all over my stove and counter. the fire alarm started going off because my 14th century house doesn't have a hood fan over the brick oven hearth. i may as well be cooking saber-tooth tiger over an open fire in a rock pit and then dragging my woman by her hair into the cave to make-em baby (probably just cuddle).

i seasoned the cod with the only spice i have in my kitchen, which is the garlic sea salt i used to use on my eggs in the morning, until i realized that stank wafted off of me all day. oh, and butter. lots of butter (it makes everything better!).

THEN, after all that, i didn't think the fish was fully cooked -- because it is a thick piece (that's what she said), and you KNOW how i am about jello-y fish. i KNOW you know. so i put it in the microwave for 1 minute, 11 seconds.

and now it's overcooked. and over-fried, so i can actually pick up the thin tail-y pieces and eat them like nacho chips. i wish i had some guac. the thicker piece isn't bad.

true story. and i should add that my salad turned out great, so that made me feel better. (store-bought, unwashed spring mix + sunflower seeds + oil&vinegar dressing = salad. and matthew = master salad chef! cookbook forthcoming!).

i guess this is all just my way of saying.... thanks for cooking my fish for the past 2 years. you are a fantastic cook.

...


...


...wanna make me dinner sometime soon? cpgb? please? you miss me.


love,

the naked chef


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